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Diary of a Poet
copyright 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023, and 2024 thomas beal
Dear Reader,
At the beginning of August of 2019 Little Linda Mae, my wife of seventeen plus years, retired from her quality control job at
Summit Packaging Systems, where she had worked for thirty-seven plus years. On September twenty-seventh she called me at work
to tell me the doctor had called saying she had cancer. Dana Farber told her they thought they could get her between two and
five years more life, using immunotherapy (they may have said that about chemo; she refused that). On January fourteenth of
two-thousand-and-twenty she had a seizure and I called an ambulance. Six long days later I held her hand while she stopped
breathing. My eyes filled with tears as I type that, today, the twenty-ninth of October, 2020... I wrote the following poem
the next morning, but forgot that I did, and started writing the poems in this book about two weeks later. I set aside four
hundred numbers for this volume, not knowing how long I might need to write about the love of my life. I think I am really
looking for one poem that says it all, but don't truly believe it can be written. I started a journal to her on the fifth of
October last year (2019), and had to write for the last time in it because it was full in August. That was tough because she
had been sleeping in the room down the hall when I started writing to her, and the new journal holds no such magic...
I have no idea how this all works. I am journaling to my Queen. Some prose, some verse. I am planting and tending to her
gardens (She did not speak much of aging, or passing, but did agree, rather quickly, that her ashes should go in her flower
gardens), and learning a lot as the contact with the Earth eases some of the pain. I am putting the verses into this online
volume of my poetry series, that she didn't really read, but wanted to be on the back covers of, so she was. I told someone
that commented on how nice they thought all this was that I thought she would have expected it, and i actually believe she
would. It seems far too little for how much she added to my living, but...
Originally this was to be a YouTube volume. Then I found I could not read the poems without breaking down. Maybe next year I
will be able to, and PoetryPalaceTV will honor her. Only time will tell. (Update, 12FEB23: maybe not!)
I do hope you find this worthy of your time!
21JAN20
It has been five arduous days since I have written
my dying wife who might have five years left now is gone
So by a soul reaching sadness I have been smitten
I have lost my rock from where my human strength was drawn
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#1187
4FEB20
The two week anniversary of your death slipped by
as a day late I flew in panic to the store for a paper your obituary was in
Already several days I woke up to no cry
and somewhere deep down in the caverns of this wretched lonely heart it feels as though that is a sin
I have put in order our house to say my goodbye
and am planning the note to the grandkids before our annual cruises from Jersey will begin
Taking ashes over the Caribbean to fly
hoping to rhyme my way into this grieving process and comfort my soul from your absense's din
Top
T o C
#1188
5FEB20
Two days before driving to Jersey with your ashes
the knot in my stomach tells me that there will be pain
Adjusting to life with a bleeding heart that splashes
and wondering if ever again I will see sane
Top
T o C
#1189
6FEB20
Last night I sat in my step-daughter's driveway for hours
because I just really did not want to be home alone any more
So how long is it before a love of the dead sours
or the heart recovers from a pain that has shaken it to its core
Top
T o C
#1190
7FEB20
I dropped off a thank you card at Dana Farber yesterday
the woman immediately said how sorry she was
With Or Without You
helped me to cry my ride home anyway
because i guess that is just what all of our music does
Tossing and turning the night before was exactly the norm
though I have never driven to Jersey on the same day
It seems that she is here in every way but form
but it also seems that she's infinitely far away
Top
T o C
#1191
7FEB20 #2
So I pulled up to the ship around eleven
they told me that today they would not sail
I do not think Linda would have handled that well
her patience with changing plans was quite frail
Top
T o C
#1192
7FEB20 #3
Twelve hours later I am at the IHOP for the second time
the hotel room is nice but it is just so empty there
Trying to avoid thoughts of you like they are some sort of crime
because this waitress does not need my swollen red-eyed stare
The fact that I am not ready to live without you is moot
while I drink more coffee in Jersey just hoping to sail
I have memories I do not want this horror to pollute
and I have a heart that without you is terribly frail
Top
T o C
#1193
8FEB20
(Because Midnight passed)
The sweet ICU nurse with the tattoo sleeve said my presence calmed you
it was good to hear because I had just spent a night dying in a chair
For all I knew holding your swollen hand had done nothing but harmed too
and I could not find my baby in that terrified Fentynal-soaked stare
Part of me was glad to see you without the tube knowing you would die
and I knew I was breaking things that would not mend as I helped you to go
I feel like the Roman soldier with a spear at the cross when I cry
like each successive second is forever spent in broken-hearted throe
Top
T o C
#1194
8FEB20 #2
Another text about maybe not sailing today either and I feel beat
good thing I know I do not want to be at home or I'd take the money and run
Hiding in a hotel behind IHOP off of route eighteen feels so complete
though I am not sure that even I would categorize any of this as fun
A young man with his birthday girl bought me lunch though I did bribe him with my verse
as a young lady possibly my senior paid for coffee last night just the same*
So seeing all eternity as sadness is a choice not some morbid curse
and because I decide to warm the bench for a while does not mean I lose the game
* (Just got notice we don't set sail for two more days...)
Top
T o C
#1195
9FEB20
Day one of waiting to cruise without you has finally passed
hopes of getting on the ship today were dashed just hours from the hotel
Took two more nights in the room where memories of you amassed
with hopes of writing some verse that will release my heart from this horrid hell
But I must salt the wounds with broken hopes our loves used to share
ripping off the scabs of time with the vicious claws of living all alone
Trying to survive the constant daymares of all the ways you showed you care
but not allow my fantasies of not feeling to turn this heart to stone
Top
T o C
#1196
9FEB20 #2
So I am sitting in the Pub where we sat with Richard and Lindsey a year ago
and it is not nearly as horrible as I thought that it would be
Joyce is playing accoustic though she says electric is the way she would like to go
so the Brass and Boch is starting to feel just like it is supposed to be
The cheer of weary travelers is drowning out my sadness if only for a night
Oh I can almost hear you whining about the casino being closed
And in some other universe where we are still laughing and everything is alright
you are sitting right beside me with all of your beauty and love exposed
Top
T o C
#1197
10FEB20
Sitting at the muster station waiting for that same ole same ole
only this time I am alone and you are never coming home
I guess this is part of nineteen years of loving taking its toll
pain appears to be the way a classic heart gets all of its chrome
Now angels and devils are battling to see which way to go
higher callings say open up while the forces of fear say close
I think now is the time I get to decide what I keep in tow
when I try out one thing at a time and simply see how it goes
Top
T o C
#1198
10FEB20 #2
In about thirty-five minutes they will open the casino up
and I will gamble for the very first time since you're gone
I will have the privilege of getting through another bitter cup
and then tomorrow will be just another bitter dawn
But I know at my core it is only because of the love you gave
that pieces of shattered heart cut me whenever I breathe
As I know that the part of my heart that you have taken to your grave
will forever in the deep sorrow of our parting wreathe
Top
T o C
#1199
10FEB20 #3
Back at the pub the lovely couple I met left to go eat
they both write sometimes together and sometimes alone
They were also downstairs to help make all my singing complete
I doubt I could repay all the love they've shown
I do not know if my faith in people hass gotten better
or if my belief in angels has taken the lead
But I am starting to see there is no spirit in the letter
and that there are those who can comfort when you bleed
Top
T o C
#1200
11FEB20
So Allen and Suzie just went to previously laid plans
chances of running into them has to be about one in three-and-a-half-billion
Surprises of spirit are as elusive as shifting sands
but the knowingness in each's smile as they left had to be worth at least a million
Just a couple on a prominade who were willing to hear
one of the saddest endings to a love story that a widower could ever tell
I could not have invented a scenerio half as dear
just as I could not have imagined that this cruise could possibly be going this well
Top
T o C
#1201
12FEB20
So I am introducing you to all kinds of people on the ship
and they sit and talk and look at pictures and feed my soul
It seems they lessen my bitter cup by each taking a little sip
and feels like they are putting my pieces right back to whole
Top
T o C
#1202
12FEB20 #2
First time in Bermuda and I really wish you were here
I spent two hours at a museum and a fort you would have hated
It was not until now by the pub that I shed a tear
and I am starting to think this whole greiving process is overrated
Should be celebrating the awesome life you helped me live
the plethora of loving memories you so graciously bestowed
Or practicing the many ways you taught me how to give
and remembering how even at the end the joy from your smile flowed
You said you were going to Nashville I hope you made it
but hope you stopped on this island to see me while you were on your way
I did not know how it would end but loved how you played it
and I will talk to you 'til the day I die I have so much to say
Top
T o C
#1203
12FEB20 #3
The Mr. Coffee does a cup in three minutes or four
you would love the big round shower head that makes it rain
This luxury is such a treat to a heart that is sore
there is probably no better way to be in pain
Over a grand spent in the casino to make you proud
and trying to find verses that do not make me cry
I am used to singing alone and I am singing loud
and I hope the love we grew is helping you to fly
Top
T o C
#1204
12FEB20 #4
On Valentine's Day I am having a poetry reading
it is at ten-thirty and I had not planned starting the day with you
I hope it is a morning when my heart is not quite bleeding
and I am really hoping that you will be there to carry me through
I can't believe I am missing you on back-to-back cruises
I can't believe I am spending my time alone with you in a suite
Still trying to deal with your passing and all of its bruises
without losing sight of all the years I spent with your kisses so sweet
Top
T o C
#1205
13FEB20
It is quarter of five in the morning and here we are
now living on the opposite sides of the veil
I feel your hand in mine like yesterday but it is far
in two days with shattered pieces of heart we sail
How a whole lifetime can crumble in three and a half weeks
how sorrow like an avalanche can bury me
So low in the valley I cannot remember the peaks
oh if only one look in your eye I could see
Top
T o C
#1206
13FEB20 #2
There are lots of empty tables to sit at at seven o'clock
seems maybe people are friendlier just after dawn
The hot tubs are empty probably because we are still at dock
it is the first time I have used them since you are gone
And maybe the Cars' song makes a little more sense to me now
that memory and imagination have your voice
And maybe, just maybe, our love can survive all of this somehow
and maybe the chance of survival rests upon choice
Top
T o C
#1207
13FEB20 #3
Stopped back in the Windjammer for coffee number five
I am pretty sure at quarter 'til nine you would be sleeping still
Is each new morn' I awake a little more alive
or has each long night I sleep alone a portion of pain to kill
Oh would that I suffer numb than feel another day
but would rather die a thousand deaths than forget a single kiss
I'll relive each moment shared no matter what I pay
crying a river of tears to remeber each moment of bliss
Top
T o C
#1208
13FEB20 #4
Two wicker recliners with footstools outside our door
I can picture you sitting in the other one as I write
Seventeenth cruise but I was never alone before
so this fantasy of you lounging really is out of sight
Maybe when the next cruise is over it will be real
but I do not know if I will be able to say goodbye
I am not sure that without you I know how to feel
though you did not leave without showing me how hard I should try
Top
T o C
#1209
13FEB20 #5
So I decided to read Merry Christmas, Lover Girl and Valentine's oh-four
I thought maybe this would fill in the back story of why I am so sad
This is the entire reason I tried to get you to write down your thoughts before
said it was for the kids but was thinking of the copy I would have had
There is a picture of each honeymoon that we took hanging upon the cruise wall
and almost as if it were coincidence it now happens to be full
I thought for a moment in the wind passing the ship I could almost hear your call
just like when I get close to the casino I know I can feel your pull
Top
T o C
#1210
13FEB20 #6
Watching Deep Space Nine mostly because you no longer care
in the suite because I honored you with nine hundred already today
Or because with a look across the room you are there
somewhere on a ship way back in two-thousand-and-two almost to the day
Such a beautiful woman I could not believe loved me
a wonderful wife whose primary purpose was taking care of her man
Who always inspired the best that a husband could be
and a compassionate mother with nothing other than love as a plan
Top
T o C
#1211
14FEB20
Happy Valetine's Day, Little Linda Mae!
I assume Darling that you are the one who made this reading become
if not now than throughout our eighteen years eleven months and six days
I know you are where the strength to grow into the man I am came from
just as I know now you are guiding me through this emotional maze
I say I honor you by spending money in the casino
and I believe that if you are on this ship it is most likely there
I could just go to Vegas not stopping for a massage
in Reno
though I feel I give you far more honor showing people that I care
This sudden separation that feels it was done by a jagged knife
cannot be allowed to blur the vision of your beauty and concern
I need to remember the energy you put into living life
as well as all ot the joyous ways you allowed your passions to burn
Maybe your being on the other side does not mean our love must die
could it be that the highest honor must come from my living alone
It seems now you may have been preparing me for the skies I must fly
and my duty is to share with others all the love that you have shown
I Love You
Top
T o C
#1212
15FEB20
Just like that our first Valentines as a ghost and a widower slides by
hope you did not mind going to Karaoke and meeting all my new friends
It is sad to see that someday I will live and not have to cry
but I guess I am finally glad that in this matrix everything ends
Top
T o C
#1213
15FEB20 #2
We just left the port again and I cannot thank you enough
I was wounding myself in that house without you there
I so hope your journey into thew beyond is not quite as tough
though the way that you left was almost too much to bear
Top
T o C
#1214
15FEB20 #3
I spent thousands of dollars in the casino last week
but I know from watching that that would not slow you down
I lost a great fortune and now do not know what to seek
and wonder if ever I can let go of your crown
I'll be almost five weeks alone when I get off this ship
it will be our anniversary of eighteen years
And I will try so hard not to cry as I bite my lip
to move forward with life as your absense my heart sears
Top
T o C
#1215
15FEB20 #4
Did Bad Company Feel Like Making Love for you again
then I spent two hundred at the roulette table too
I know I've done things without you but don't remember when
and still this separation feels like it is brand new
Trying to find a part of me that wants to breathe alone
is like looking for unpolluted land here on Earth
It seems as though this sadness chills me right down to the bone
like you alone were the total measure of my worth
Top
T o C
#1216
16FEB20
Good morning Baby Girl I really do not know what to say
twenty-seven days have passed since we held hands as you went
On this side of the veil it is simply just another day
there are billions who do not know you were heaven sent
While somewhere in America people are learning to live
without the cheer and laughter you always brought along
Just hoping that all the stones of sadness get caught in the seive
while sands of time and winds of change combine to sing your song
Top
T o C
#1217
16FEB20 #2
I booked two more cruises in a junior suite
I won four hundred in the casino this afternoon
So are you the one that is guiding my feet
and could you come and visit me and maybe do it soon
Got your picture behind two swans and a heart for your shrine
then here at the desk is Joan and Nani upon my wall
I assume that you are making me feel fine
that every step of the way you are guiding it all
Top
T o C
#1218
17FEB20
Today I continue taking pictures of all this ship's works of art
Daniela from Argentina sold me the camera and has been so kind
Her compassionate attention as she worked has truly soothed my heart
I have to wonder if these were all angels you sent to occupy my mind
So again I thank you for this journey here at the foot of your shrine
hoping to get to karaoke early enough to sing a song to you
Mostly this morning I am so grateful for the years that you were mine
and I am trying to remember that your love is why I do what I do
Top
T o C
#1219
18FEB20
Docked at Port Canaveral and you should be here
of course I say that as an ignorant man in pain
Life is just teaching me how I missed moments dear
and how it was never really meant to be lived sane
Top
T o C
#1220
19FEB20
I was standing on the balcony at five-oh-five in the morning
there was a thought of pouring your ashes out into the sea
I do not like that your end came upon us without any warning
and my heart feels I should keep your remains forever with me
People say that you would not want me sad and I do try to believe
but here in our home on board ship there is no way to forget
That part of me has been taken away with nothing in sight to relieve
and nothing I can do to release this great cloud of regret
Top
T o C
#1221
19FEB20 #2
You would SO love the Mr. Coffee right in the room
and you would be proud of my mild karaoke fame
Oh, I can see you at the lit mirror as I groom
but the joy of being here with you is not quite the same
Top
T o C
#1222
19FEB20 #3
I have entered into an unstable situation
totally feeling that customer service completely dropped the ball
Trying to avoid anger's possible saturation
a cruise late and abuse taken I got customer service's call
I told them as soon as I got on the ship that you passed
two days later I was asked at dinner if you were going to come
They said I should have called earlier and acted harrassed
when I complained and no follow-up just added to cruelties' sum
Imagine my surprise when it was about harrassment
with two selfies, a picture, a photo shoot, and I guess bring it on
Sold me a Cannon, picked out at watch, maybe entrapment
a copy of Collected Worx with a hand written poem she was gone
So I sit here on parole both abused and neglected
practicing poker face in the mirror so I can stay on the ship
Very aware that I must watch where love is directed
that attention misdirected can take me on a very bad trip
Top
T o C
#1223
19FEB20 #4
Now I am left with unresolved customer service nightmares
without protection from crew members who are unstable or worse
From reaping the harvest of friendships to choking on the tares
from believing in Godsent angels to fearing demonic curse
All this wretchedness heaped upon my disasterous mourning
trying to breath while they torture me with their cruelty and pain
And all along with their cynical politeness adorning
while twisting the joy of this healing journey into such distain
Top
T o C
#1224
19FEB20 #5
So this was a major distraction from the regular sadness I feel
of course it could not have happened if you were here
And not knowing what you would have me do is simply part of this new deal
again I am left with a path that is not clear
I truly believe the way I was treated should not happen to a soul
while complaints against me appear to be a lie
Their putting the blame for their failures on me has really taken its toll
so all I am left with is to sit here and cry
Top
T o C
#1225
20FEB20
I guess I can see why you kept your friends to a few
maybe the lessons you tried to teach me I can learn now
Yet I do not want to let others change what I do
I want to become more of the me that I am somehow
I think you would be flabbergasted by these events
fully disgusted by Royal Caribbean's actions
So not only am I going to seek recompense
but some new protocol as well as public retractions
Top
T o C
#1226
20FEB20 #2
Having an espresso shot with a cappuccino in the diamond lounge
I remember being SO proud to be seen in here with my beautiful wife
Then I will be off to Sorrento's to see what kind of food I can scrounge
Oh, wait here comes an elderly couple to share a little piece of their life
An hour later here with some pizza asparagus and heart of palm
I only have to get through three nights and two more days until we are at dock
Trying to hold on to these pieces of shattered heart and still remain calm
remembering a year ago together here in front of the Brass and Boch
Top
T o C
#1227
20FEB20 #3
I think of thirty totes at home that I must go through
and it feels so far away like it was in another world
Of course every new day I wake up this is true
as each moment of sadness I live in is a hope unfurled
Top
T o C
#1228
21FEB20
The wind is whipping by the balcony as we start our return
it will still be warm for most of another day
I have to try to turn our house into the home for which I yearn
your example taught me acts of love are the way
Top
T o- C
#1229
22FEB20
So tomorrow is our anniversary and I do not know what to do
of course I must get off the ship and get into my car
Do I still go to the store and buy beautiful bouquets of flowers for you
do I spread vases around the house like I did before
So now two cruises two weeks and four days ago was the worst day of my life
but did not see it coming as I had to let you go
Thought I had been hardened by the brutal beatings and emotional strife
I could not have imagined how much grief there is to know
This cruise line that we love has been doing nothing but rubbing my wounds with salt
and all the esoteric readings do not seem to guide
Their lack of concern and their casting of blame certainly make them appear at fault
and I cry for future guests traveling when someone died
Top
T o C
#1230
22FEB20 #2
So the first cruise with you in an eight by ten frame comes to an end
I hope the towel heart shrine with the swans was the appropriate thing
Thank you so much for the back to backs in a suite so I could mend
I hope on the other side you are not forced to listen to me sing
Playing the loudest slot machine sure did feel as if it were right
and sitting at the roulette table let me forget that you were gone
Now I must go home and try to remember that you were my light
and honor the ways that you helped me to grow as alone I move on
Top
T o C
#1231
23FEB20
Happy Anniversary darling nothing but you is on my mind
thank you again for the suite cruises to ease this pain
I booked two in a suite next February dispite all their unkind
and having lived in your sunshine eases all this rain
Top
T o C
#1232
24FEB20
At least our anniversary does not happen every day
today is change the Comcast account and get scrapbook supplies
Your daughter helped returning home have a little more play
maybe putting some happy wrinkles above these puffy eyes
I have those thirty totes that I must go through so they can be gone
and razor blade memories whenever I go into a room
I've no idea what I am supppsed to be placing hope upon
as even the sadness of wishing someday not to cry brings gloom
So I will just remember that it took your help to build this man
to do the best that I can to try each day to make you proud
And to keep family and vacation at the heart of the plan
to far exceed anything that my love ever to you vowed
Top
T o C
#1233
25FEB20
Going to Michael's to get what I need for gift surprises
I saved all the soaps and shampoos from the bath like you would
With bows and slot machine pictures that your love symbolizes
I hope labels from Meme, Mom and Fake Mom are all good
Cute little boxes the girls can hold whenever they ache
that can't take away the pain but maybe can relieve some
Next are the scrapbooks that I really do not know how to make
but there are planty from Brenda I can copy from
Top
T o C
#1234
29 FEB20
So I took a few days off Baby to go through your stuff
your daughter told me it would be better for the boys
It was emotionally exhausting but not as rough
I just want to get to remembering all the joys
Top
T o C
#1235
1MAR20
I am considering allowing someone else to coach with your things
making you proud has never been such a strong desire
Suddenly I am unaware of what emotion an action brings
as tears of your passing burn into my cheeks like fire
Top
T o C
#1236
2MAR20
I think the inhumanity of the computer customer service is pathetic
but I have found that pathetic and ridiculous can be pleasant distractions
The willingness of others to help is proving to be emotionally aesthetic
but it could be lifetimes before I can reconsile all these karmic transactions
Knowing that being with you was totally a gift of grace that I never could have earned
I may never be enlightened to the point where I can see all that you have done
Right now I am faced with the ludicrousness that never before have I severely yearned
for a taste of the love that can turn two strangers on this Earthbound trip into one
Top
T o C
#1237
2MAR20 #2
Bub got me an etched crystal with a three dimentional you and your dates
I got seventeen more for the children, the grand children, and Andy
Oh it does wonders for the heart in the midst of these emotional straits
and it makes me feel like a little boy with a handful of candy
Top
T o C
#1238
3MAR20
Little Linda Mae I am trying to do what is right
cleaning and laundry and building a life without you here
Although you are no longer by my side you are my light
and you taught me that actions are how we make our love clear
Top
T o C
#1239
4MAR20
It may take the rest of my life to realize all the ways your love helped
as every day there is something else about you I direly miss
Today I will sit in the afterglow of the loving things that we did
and remember that each time I got home you were there to give me a kiss
Top
T o C
#1240
5MAR20
Oh, Baby, how I miss you being here to give me a kiss
now you are in a lit crystal with your dates of birth and passing
But instead of mourning your absense I will remember bliss
all those joyous days when those moments of our love were amassing
Top
T o C
#1241
5MAR20 #2
I vacuumed and mopped the entire place
then I cleaned the bathroom the shower too
Then I decided I should shave my face
a little more now I understand you
Top
T o C
#1242
6MAR20
I am not sure using the poems for your prayer cards is good
but this is the life I am left with now that you are gone
And I do not want to be bogged down with could, would, or should
or use the sadness or lonely to make wishes upon
Top
T o C
#1243
8MAR20
Sorry if taking a day off bothered you my Darling
I was rearranging rooms to fit into the new plan
Memories of love and letting you go are so gnarling
I wonder if ever again I will be a happy man
Top
T o C
#1244
10MAR20
Went through all your totes with Bree who felt she knew you
she came with a scratch ticket and smoked out on the patio
She had the unemotional eyes to go through
the decisiveness of her mannerisms were apropos
Top
T o C
#1245
11MAR20
Baby I can almost feel you here but you are gone
some say I should go see a psychic to talk to you
Seems I would be better off walking in old San Juan
there are pieces of my shattered heart where your love is new
In pictures I see that smile and twinkle in your eye
and a part of me so wants to be able to go back
Then there is this part of me that just sits here to cry
that cannot begin to imagine getting past this lack
Top
T o C
#1246
12MAR20
I spend so much more time now trying to make you proud
I am told that is part of how we honor those we have lost
It is funny now I am so alone in a crowd
I did not know the love we shared would have a far reaching cost
Top
T o C
#1247
14MAR20
Today I am eating your chocolate covered cherries from Christmas time
your children were here yesterday to go through the totes of your stuff
Being in this house with that much love was like stepping onto the sublime
the porch is full of plants for your gardens I hope it is enough
Top
T o C
#1248
15MAR20
I think this Coronavirus may have been a bit scary for you
although you were already habitted to little outside contact
It is simply crazy how thoughts of you enter everything I do
my giving of my life to you was obviously of high impact
Top
T o C
#1249
16MAR20
Went up to visit Deb today and remembered you being there
I guess that is going to happen quite a lot in the coming year
And maybe this is what they meant when they said that life is not fair
never knowing when the next thing will come that will elicit a tear
Top
T o C
#1250
17MAR20
Apparently I was unaware of all the things you did for me
I had no idea that I was such a needy man
I did not think that I would be learning now how grateful I should be
or be the one left behind to carry out the plan
Yet your example is in my heart in a way I cannot unsee
so your touch through this impossible parting can span
It seems as if your love has tarried to show me that there will be free
subduing all the can'ts and won'ts with the act of can
Top
T o C
#1251
18MAR20
Got the supplies to do the roof so the porch won't leak
pretty sure you would be asking why I have not started yet if you were here
I really think that will put our lake house right on fleek
the kids knew when they saw that Lake House
duck on the door your influence was clear
Top
T o C
#1252
19MAR20
I just found the poem I wrote the morning after you passed
and it hit me again just as if it was brand new
Worked all day on the roof yesterday and that was a blast
so still I am here doing what you would have me do
Top
T o C
#1253
21MAR20
Got laundry going and cooked a meal
got up early to get back to the roof
Slowly living without you is real
I just wish that my heart was shatterproof
Top
T o C
#1254
22MAR20
I cannot possibly thank you enough for this beautiful cruise wall
in a moment each morning I can spend the last nineteen years with you
Like blowing kisses on this horrible gash left by our life's curveball
but even that pales in the shadow of our monument of love true
Top
T o C
#1255
23MAR20
I have to assume you would want me happy but it seems far too soon
not so sure this roofing is joyous but it does need to be done
With a house full of pictures and this crystal over which I can swoon
I suppose the long process of grieving has already begun
Top
T o C
#1256
25MAR20
A week ago yesterday I went to Lowes
the place needs a new roof so I got supplies
Two months after your passing your touch still shows
my body is busy but my heart still cries
The place
is duller and does not make me bleed
seems the ours and we-s have come to an end
Your love is still growing where you left its seed
little by little helping my heart to mend
Top
T o C
#1257
26MAR20
Yesterday the mail brought money from you
does that mean doing the roof was a good choice?
Just going with the list that we would do
learning all over to listen for your voice
Top
T o C
#1258
27MAR20
So I still get up every day and try to make you proud
at least in our kingdom there will always be work to be done
You may have moved on but here your echo is still very loud
though I cannot see the future I know that you were the one
Top
T o C
#1259
28MAR20
I guess your passing was my kick in the butt
I have done so much in these past ten weeks
I just have the do you must give me the what
trying to hold my love that sometimes leaks
Top
T o C
#1260
29MAR20
No leaks on the porch I can almost hear your about time
were you here you would be at the desk in the other room
You left with my rhythm so I have here is my rhyme
and sometimes what was our home seems as if it is a tomb
Top
T o C
#1261
30MAR20
I cannot imagine you being too happy with this virus that is going around
I suppose with your C. O. P. D. you would be sleeping in the living room on your chair
If you did have something to say it would probably be quite simple as well as profound
and then you would go about your business acting as if you really had no time to care
Top
T o C
#1262
31MAR20
Work did a couple false starts already this week
but today they say that straight out starts tomorrow
Friends and family have changed the outlook from bleak
and strength you taught me has minimized my borrow
Top
T o C
#1263
1APR20
So the first day of work during this pandemic has come
I am sure to be full of thoughts of you while i sit in the Mack
I don't expect all memories good but hope there are some
and hope your lingering fragrance of love is here when I get back!
Top
T o C
#1264
1APR20 #2
First day coming home from work without you here
I did the dishes and made totilla chips
The seconds that edge you away leave a tear
if only you could have left mer a few tips
Top
T o C
#1265
2APR20
So many thoughts of you fill my day am I haunted
there is no other ghost I would rather court
I will herd all these memories of you undaunted
not allowing any one or thing to thwart
Top
T o C
#1266
3APR20
Trying to be happy seems like a way to get rid of you
you left in January but it appears that you are not yet gone
Thoughts of your love and life are parts of everything I do
and the strength of your resolve is something I still lay my heart upon
Top
T o C
#1267
4APR20
Three weeks until your birthday and I do not know what to get
in this instance what that really means is not a lot has changed
Some day thoughts of you will not bring tears but that day is not yet
although the love we have can never die we have been estranged
The roots and bulbs for the grandkids to plant have begun to sprout
so maybe that is just another plan destroyed by the plague
Maybe me and your gardens is what the flowers are about
the messages from broken pieces of my heart can be vague
Top
T o C
#1268
5APR20
I just saw a camp we could afford on Craig's List
Oh how I could use another adventure with you
Is a roll of your eyes really what I most missed
or maybe just a chance of that when the day was through
Top
T o C
#1269
6APR20
So I posted the first poem from this book on the site today
hoping that sharing my journey without you can help others to heal
Maybe going through them again myself will help ease the fray
and celebrate the miracle of how you taught me the way to feel
Top
T o C
#1270
7APR20
I am beginning to comprehend how we worked so well as a team
just like I am growing to miss you more and more every day
How your chill was actually giving the process all of its steam
and how it seems to work out smoother when I do it all your way
Top
T o C
#1271
8APR20
Have to call today to reschedule your Celebration of Life
this pandemic seems to want to put weight on your loss
I sit before work waiting in heart for the blade of another knife
knowing our love is a line those blades can never cross
Top
T o C
1272
9APR20
Though you did not like to talk about it you did what needed to be done
our separate financial lives were far more of a living benefit I now see
The plague has made dealing with banks that are closed a whole lot less than fun
if I keep plugging away at the details they will all get done eventually
Top
T o C
#1273
10APR20
So tomorrow is the day to close all of your accounts
then take a ride to Washington to see my retirement spot
I do have to say that you surprised me with these amounts
and I am pretty sure this camp is not something you would have bought
Top
T o C
#1274
11APR20
Today I venture out into the unknown without your lead
gonna get a camp that needs more work than Derek's first house
I think part of the whole deal is trying to slow the bleed
how do I learn to move on without feeling like a louse
Top
T o C
#1275
12 APR20
The camp was far less of a gem than it didn't appear to be
the project was much more of a promised distraction than I realized
So here I am back in our home where my sadness appears to be
waiting until another plan for the future is materialized
Top
T o C
#1276
13APR20
I texted the kids about you being happy the porch is dry
but I sit here and really don't know if you even care
But it is so nice to spend some time with you and not have to cry
I do hope that you are at peace and your sisters are there
Top
T o C
#1277
14APR20
So I share my poems to you on the website
not knowing if they even get read or not
Maybe with YouTube it can be a sound byte
either way with words you will not be forgot
Top
T o C
#1278
15APR20
So I also do not know how you feel about Internal Revolutions
that is volume eighteen of my series and it is only poems to you
It will be the second paperless book because of internet solutions
so it can last all of my forever
and be flooded with pictures too
Top
T o C
#1279
16APR20
Waiting for a reply about rescheduling your celebration of life from Sweeney Post
pretty sure you would have put this stimulous money away for future Foxwoods
I am not sure whether not seeing your family or your nail tech would have affected you most
maybe we could have found out how long two people could live on all your stocked up goods
Top
T o C
#1280
17APR20
Disney seems like a dungeon compared to falling in love with you
that get home kiss was a gracious gift for almost nineteen years
Here in your shadow you are a part of everything I do
the tough part is not knowing whether it will bring joy or tears
Top
T o C
#1281
18APR20
This plague is keeping us all apart for months at a time
and I sure am glad I have this wall of pictures of you
Like you are posing the love you have for me in mime
sort of proof that our journey through all of those years was true
Top
T o C
#1282
20APR20
You have been gone three months as of today
being alone on the pond is not all that has changed
Some virus came and there were lives to pay
the social confinement has left all of us estranged
I went on our cruises to not be here
and Royal Caribbean was horrible at best
I came back to sickness and worldwide fear
it seemed as if we all were being put to the test
Quarantine then took our freedoms away
while the officials decided essential or not
I did not let worry stand in my way
I watched YouTube and supplies for a new roof were bought
Went back to work because Bob is you know
it is hard when you are supposed to leave all six feet
But the Mack is full with places to go
and there are many expensive projects to complete
Top
T o C
#1283
21APR20
So every day I post the poem to you on my site
and I do not know if they are even being read
I cannot say if what I'm doing here is even right
but I know I am not the only man who has bled
Top
T o C
#1284
22APR20
Your nephew Daniel was in a real bad car crash
I know how Rudy feels in the waiting room of the ICU
This terrible pandemic hits like a news flash
they can't even be there like we were able to do for you
Top
T o C
#1285
23APR20
Now they are saying that round two of Coronavirus will be far worse
of course they
are the media and we are beginning to see through their lies
Or have we finally cemented Karma by becoming our own curse
I know that if you were still here you would be at your desk just rolling your eyes
So I just sit and remember how good a welcome home kiss made me feel
and get ready for work as if you are lying in bed in the other room
Because I am finding it quite hard to get accustomed to this new deal
where you are gone and I wander like a ghost in our togetherness's tomb
#1286
24APR20
I really have no idea what you would think I should do
I assume that planting flowers to fill all your gardens is good
I am doing laundry and dishes and cleaning like you
but I feel so alone without the only one who understood
Top
T o C
#1287
25APR20
Going to put some of your ashes with flowers I plant today
I forgot last week but on your birthday it seems the appropriate thing
Actions will have to do as I have no idea what I should say
the virus has us staying apart so there is no cake or song to sing
But there are five households where your love is what holds it together
and quite a few more where forever your presence will be terribly missed
Fortunately you showed us all how to get through the bad weather
helping us build strong hearts where these memories of you can always exist
Top
T o C
#1288
26APR20
Zoom meetings are the way a LOT of people meet today
I have been wondering about doing a family one
It looks like we are all at home and we are here to stay
so we need to find ways to get together and have our fun
Top
T o C
#1289
27APR20
Late in April it might snow and off to work I go
I am surrounded by owls from your collecting during your last year
There's a sink full of dishes from the chores that I shirk
but this morning there is nothing about us that has the power to tear
Top
T o C
#1290
28APR20
Still no idea when we might be able to have your Life Celebration
I guess my poems and time with your crystal will have to do
This Coronavirus's isolation adds to this tribulation
but with this magic block of glass I can now look at you
Top
T o C
#1291
29APR20
Yesterday I missed you so much all I could do was cry
of course I was in the Mack driving along the highway
But sadness cannot compare to the love that we let fly
though I must feel it it is nothing more than a byway
Top
T o C
#1292
30APR20
I posted this year's Valentine's poem on the site today
I guess I don't do anything without you even still
And you on the wall in the red dress is true love's display
reminding me that even gone you can this heart so fill
Top
T o C
#1293
1MAY20
Trying to get better at banking and it cost a thirty-two dollar fee
I guess I should have let you teach me how to do that too
I would pay again for another vision of you and your checkbook to see
but I must settle for my finite memories of you
Top
T o C
#1294
3MAY20
Today is supposed to be sunny and seventy-four
Andy is coming at one to go for a ride on the bikes
Can we pretend for a moment that things were like before
so I can dream of riding with you until the truth of now strikes
Top
T o C
#1295
4MAY20
Already spring is in bloom and I have more flowers and ashes to plant
when you called to say that you had cancer I could not see this life without you
I so much want to follow you wherever you have gone but know I can't
I so hate to think of leaving you behind but know I am about to
Top
T o C
#1296
5MAY20
My Darling I can hardly believe it is May
i feel bad having lived this much longer than you
Again I am alone to face another day
and I have to imagine just what you would do
Top
T o C
#1297
6MAY20
I totally forgot my you're fourteen years older than I am
song this year
what an absolutely horrible way to start another day
I am also told that grief will find even more ways my bleeding heart to spear
but I refuse to let our love be part of all this decay!
Top
T o C
#1298
7MAY20
This is my first birthday without you
this is by far my worst birthday yet
I have not cried but I am about to
and I've forgotten the date we met
Top
T o C
#1299
8MAY20
I am trying to think of what you might do for Brenda for Mother's Day
probably have gotten cards last fall to be in the mail by now
It is a little late for that because of being just two days away
so I will just feel your love and see if something pops up somehow
Top
T o C
#1300
9MAY20
So I have Mother's Day cards on the Walmart list
flowers at Hannaford's or at BJ's when I go there
I wonder if you know or care that you are missed
for us left behind your loss is a dangling affair
The plague's kept us from joining together to mourn
but the solitude has forced us to feel it even more
Your very living assures this grief will be born
each one of us that you touched will be stronger than before
Top
T o C
#1301
10MAY20
Mother's Day is here without you but in the children here
the flowers in vases are all about you but I miss you so
In the back with no one to shout to I can feel you near
with such sad eyes to look out through that did not feel you go
Top
T o C
#1302
13MAY20
The force of the season has become strong
today is the first day to be in by five
Just another day alone and so long
but because of your love I feel so alive
Top
T o C
#1303
14MAY20
The pandemic may be winding down and work is picking up
I suppose this too is a reprieve from alone time with you
Morning now is getting rushed and coffeee has no second cup
I will be forever grateful for how your love changed my view
Top
T o C
#1304
15MAY20
Five days shy of four months gone and I enjoy your blessing
I see the green in plants and trees and remember all of your joy
In this great big salad of life you were my blue cheese dressing
now it's vinaigrette memories with the saddened tears they deploy
Top
T o C
#1305
16MAY20
I live here in this life we created all alone
but memories of you like angels fill each day
I cannot counts the ways because of you I have grown
thankful for the photographs that are on display
Top
T o C
#1306
17MAY20
So it's Sunday and I am eating Paul Newman pizza for lunch
still a vegetarian though I know you thought I would cave by now
Here in mid-May I do not think we have yet hit the planting crunch
trying to force myself to go plant the rest of your ashes somehow
Top
T o C
#1307
18MAY20
Forty more seedlings to water and I see geese all in the yard
I run for the rake so I can chase them away
Then grab the roll of chicken wire tedious but not too hard
I just roll out what I need and then make it stay
(I know that it appears that this has little to do with Little Linda Mae,
but had you seen her with her broom, chasing geese, you would know...)
Top
T o C
#1308
19MAY20
So tomorrow is four months after your passing
and I am tired of associating sadness with you
I spent two decades good memories amassing
it's those thoughts that seem to honor all about you that is true
Top
T o C
#1309
21MAY20
Today is but another day to live without you
without the comfort of your smile or healing touch
I go through the motions of life as I'm supposed to
but in my heart all I do is miss you so much
Top
T o C
#1310
22MAY20
Ready for Memorial weekend even if it is only two days
I am sure you remember how Bob is and there is work to be done
And I am stuck with his running my life because I like how the job pays
just as my doing these chores for you
seems to make them that much more fun
Top
T o C
#1311
23MAY20
All the green leaves and plants remind me of your smile
as your love lives on through me with every chore
With one chance in billions I'd be yours for a while
I guess in a lifetime I could not ask for more
Top
T o C
#1312
24MAY20
So I went through the last ten totes again today
a friend knows a family who lost everything in a fire
I thought you would approve of giving it away
six totes of things useful might put ease into times that are dire
Top
T o C
#1313
26MAY20
So the rest of your things are on their way
to a family that may be able to put them to use
And I do not know what I feel today
just that my heart would be so pleased if I could just find a truce
Top
T o C
#1314
27MAY20
Crying on the highway heading toward home in the Mack
not sure rhyme or reason has anything to do
Just another moment where sadness was on attack
just another moment when I cannot see you
Top
T o C
#1315
28MAY20
My heart is hungry for you and your touch
my life is so empty without your greetings
Did not know you could miss someone so much
or blessings that could come from random meetings
Top
T o C
#1316
29MAY20
Good morning my love I hope you are well
it is another Friday back here on Earth
I just have the details of life to tell
and golden memories of sharing in our mirth
Top
T o C
#1317
30MAY20
I lent the wheelbarrow to your buddy Roger
I am beginning to see why we do not make our neighbors friends
I snuck over there and stole it back this morning
I hope it is not something for which I will need to make amends
Top
T o C
#1318
31MAY20
Weeded and mulched at the end of the house by those Asian things
remulched the slope by the clothesline and finished redoing rocks
I like planting flowers in your gardens and the peace it brings
the only flowers that I know that I am watering is Phlox
Top
T o C
#1319
1JUN20
We are now in June with bird songs and plants all green
I still have dozens of seedlings growing and tons of weeding to do
I am now the better man that your heart has seen
and I am oh so grateful for every moment I spent with you
Top
T o C
#1320
2JUN20
A white officer killed a black man in a possible plague
riots and demonstrations are pulling an insane world apart
I know my soul wants to help but in the shadows it is vague
I may be a selfish man but just thoughts of you are in my heart
Top
T o C
#1321
3JUN20
Yesterday I could only think of the end and ICU
again I was driving the Mack while my eyes were full of tears
It seems to just come on no matter what I happen to do
and unfortunately from what people say it could for years
But I got through the day and then bought you flowers at the store
I try to lean in and smell them in case that is what you need
They brighten up the room and I guess that is what they are for
and it is one of the few ways left to put my love into deed
Top
T o C
#1322
4JUN20
My job now is all that is on either side of the kitchen door
realized that emptying trash cans this morning and thinking of your rules
But I see doing it it will never be like it was before
and yet your example has left me with all the necessary tools
Top
T o C
#1323
5JUN20
Still have no clue when we can have your life celebration
I would imagine in a place without time you have already been
A gathering where the love you left has demonstration
and I shall continue to do my best in hopes that we meet again
Top
T o C
#1324
6JUN20
I think the world is going crazy with racism and Covid 19
and I am just spending a few minutes each day out of work in our haunted house
I think the depths of my lonely are beginning to reach the obscene
but I know it is only because I once found and have lost the most perfect spouse
Top
T o C
#1325
7JUN20
Had nachos for breakfast and took the flannel sheets off the bed
I washed the comforter so any scent of you is now gone
Dreams of adjusting the quilts with you are now lost in my head
all comfort for my heart has but clouds of past to rest upon
I cleaned the bathroom and have a load of laundry yet to fold
a few seedlings are begging to be planted out in the yard
It is a week into June but the forecast today is cold
and I am trying to find joy without you but it is hard
Top
T o C
#1326
8JUN20
Got the new chickenwire fence up so no more goose poop in the yard
bought more mulch so next weekend will be busy too
I ordered a couple dozen flags for you that are all striped and starred
guess you were a patriot who liked a framed view
Top
T o C
#1327
9JUN20
It seems the rush of a season is now upon me
though the cut of your departure is deeper than that...
Top
T o C
#1328
10JUN20
Over time days drag by in their flurry
while contradictions of heart build palaces of love
Sad thoughts like rats on a ship in scurry
cannot hurt memories of warmth that fit like a glove
If you were here now you would be sleeping
I would be sitting at this table writing alone
Ghosts of kisses my heart would be keeping
just as now I am soothed by all the love that was shown
Top
T o C
#1329
11JUN20
A dam full of ducks when I got home yesterday
some orange blossoms to add to the flowers you left
And I only have a thousand more things to say
as my heart struggles not to dwell upon its bereft
Top
T o C
#1330
13JUN20
It seems that habit makes this homemaker stuff a bit easier
like writing in the journal to you makes it less painful that you are gone
This poetic tribute of course is just that much more cheesier
you did read Danielle Steel so I am sure your ghost over all this can fawn
Top
T o C
#1331
14JUN20
I gotta clean, shop, weed, plant, mow, and mulch today
I mean there are no authorities who are going to come and check
But quietly with love you showed me the best way
I am getting better at clean but I am far from every speck
Top
T o C
#1332
15JUN20
There were so many kisses that I took for granted
there was so much love that I may have not returned
But I live here in future's garden that we planted
eating the fruits of your love I could not have earned
Top
T o C
#1333
16JUN20
I dug out ALL you garden decorations on Sunday
I really had no idea how many there actually were
But I LOVE that our yard is still decorated your way
each one slows the fade of memories that time is trying to slur
Top
T o C
#1334
17JUN20
I do not know if I write to an echo or a ghost
I just know that my heart was left with so much to say
In our union of love I know that I fell short the most
but your grace and understanding never made me pay
Top
T o C
#1335
19JUN20
Father's Day this Sunday and I am still building our yard
there are probably cards in a tote somewhere I should have sent to the boys
Oh I may not have reached the mark but I am working hard
hoping that along the way I can experience just some of your joys
Top
T o C
#1336
20JUN20
Five months now I have been alone
and today I hang the sheets on the line
I hope you have joy where you've flown
while tonight that smell you love will be mine
Fifty flowers mulch cedar red
and then the Queens gardens will all be full
Shadows of love dance in my head
and yet still tears at my heartstrings do pull
Top
T o C
#1337
21JUN20
I did not get all the fowers planted because it was too hot
but I have time before the first pandemic gathering starts
This Coronavirus might seem more important but for your naught
with mine broken I must remember that there are other hearts
Top
T o C
#1338
22JUN20
The Queen's gardens are looking gloriously nice
there is a tree blocking passage around the walkway
No damage falling so it just added some spice
the co-op will hire someone to take it away
Top
T o C
#1339
23JUN20
Nancy had the tree taken care of within two days
that part of living in a co-op was most certainly nice
Getting used to this not together but still in daze
it is tough of course to even come close to your paradise
Top
T o C
#1340
24JUN20
Came home to no tree in the yard and no flowers were lost
day two dipping the water bucket at the dam late
at night
My life is a tribute to you without notice of cost
and because of technology you have not even left sight
Top
T o C
#1341
25JUN20
You probably would not have liked seeing fifty plants come in
but they are Countrybrook Farm quality and now in the ground
And so I will take Queen's Garden memorial for the win
daily enjoying the knowledge that your memory is crowned
Top
T o C
#1342
28JUN20
I feel so bad missing two days of writing poems to you
I worked before dawn and got home after bedtime
This was the time of year your pampering helped me get through
I listen to the past hoping to hear your heart's chime
Top
T o C
#1343
29JUN20
The VStar went to RJs yesterday and Chris gave me a ride
he got to enjoy your gardens and we sat and talked
I am not sure why after you have gone I think about your pride
wish I could visit you but it seems the door is locked
Top
T o C
#1344
30JUN20
So you are now the principle driver
of the Caddilac
I guess that must be an honor that they save for the dead
This pathetic state of business almost feels like an attack
not just one or two businesses so its lure spinned my head
Fortunately the echo of your even keel calms me down
because there is a list of law suits dancing in my brain
So I will just continue being a subjecgt of your crown
tending your castle and grounds while thankful for all their rain
Top
T o C
#1345
1JUL20
Moving into the sixth month since you went away
just me and this crystal sitting in the dining room
It's still a game I have no desire to play
and the empty in my heart truely feels like a tomb
Top
T o C
#1346
2JUL20
At least the yard is full of flags for the Fourth celebration
I am going to take Alieve and work on fixing the dam
This may not have been the best year for this forced isolation
but it has shown me exactly how alone that I am
Top
T o C
#1347
3JUL20
My first thought is what would we be doing but you would be asleep
then when you got up you would probably want to visit someone
Just because not being told what to do was embedded so deep
and family was all that mattered when it was all said and done
Top
T o C
#1348
5JUL20
Getting ready to put the mask and gloves on to get the shopping done
I can only imagine how irritated you would be by all this stuff
But I know that here in our kingdom we would still be having our fun
because when it came to joy the love that we made always proved to be enough
Top
T o C
#1349
6JUL20
We used to talk about there not being frogs in the pond
now the croaking of bulls seems to be all that I can hear
Could this be some gift you have given me from the beyond
or just some desperate fantasy of you being near
Top
T o C
#1350
7JUL20
I tried to enjoy the flowers all around the kingdom yesterday
and I just realized now that it is another gift from you
I am seeing it is not in remembering what you had to say
but in looking back upon all of the little things you would do
Top
T o C
#1351
8JUL20
Calla lillies are blooming out front and other flowers by the clothesline
Delia stopped by for a visit and I believe I have found a maid
I am trying to make our house better and believe it's really mine
so glad you hunted me down and grateful for the nineteen years we played
Top
T o C
#1352
9JUL20
If I truly believe this is but a matrix to which eternal spirits come
then mourning your return to Eternity is basically a selfish act
So I guess I tried to dive into this whole but ended up only having some
and am just now beginning to realize that you had the pieces that I lacked
Top
T o C
#1353
10JUL20
I will miss your hugs and kisses until the day I die
all my plans to help you live alone seem to work quite well
You made things looks so easy I forgot you had to try
and now I am here unsure of how your story I should tell
Top
T o C
#1354
12JUL20
The maid is on her way to prove I cannot do this alone
so six months later I am still seeing how we worked so well
Ammato came over to see how much your gardens have grown
it is so beautiful here I must still be under your spell
Top
T o C
#1355
13JUL20
This morning I posted the poem from April twenty-third
I guess eighty-one days can seem like forever in a bad dream
The pain of the ICU by the wind of time is blurred
so that the horror I feel in my heart is no longer in scream
Many days I can just think of the beauty you made me
sometimes I lie for a nap on the recliner and send thank yous to your shrine
Then there were those love orchestrated days that you played me
so that I am left with the wealth of the gtratitude that you were ever mine
Top
T o C
#1356
14JUL20
The good Baptist in me is intent on determining guilt
and like sadness I do not want that to stain what we had
So I am the one who inherits the kingdom that we built
I will tend to all of your royal gardens and be glad
Top
T o C
#1357
15JUL20
Walking to the garage I feel like I can take care of myself
I think that is something you taught me to do and treasure
I do not want to get to where I can put these feelings on a shelf
but I believe that is part of time's lesson and measure
Top
T o C
#1358
16JUL20
Let me pretend for a moment that you are here with that smile
let all other concerns blow away with the wind
Then let me hang up the do not disturb sign for just a while
until the absolute of this lonely has thinned
Top
T o C
#1359
17JUL20
I sit with your crystal on a rain day I was not supposed to get
after a duck and her ducklings watched me clean the pipe on the dam
With all the bad
I fed to Karma grace must be the reason we met
where as you are the reason for living here and for how I am
Top
T o C
#1360
18JUL20
Every morning with your crystal I am reminded of the beauty you were
every moment I spend without you I am reminded of all that we had
All of the memories I have of together spin before me into a blur
and every echo that remains from the loving words that you said make me glad
Top
T o C
#1361
20JUL20
You have been away for six months but in my heart you are not gone
for fifteen years I got up while you slept and started my day
The bond of our love is what all the things in my life rested on
the true of the love that you taught me can still show me the way
Top
T o C
#1362
21JUL20
I think counting days or months is a foolish thing to do
of course I think this after six months of counting days
Days month or years have no bearing on breaths thinking of you
the accuracy of hindsight gifts me with amaze
Like a child playing with my best friend for so many years
who knew I Love You ending phone calls could go so far
All coming back in chorus during moments of tears
while memory's ghost now haunts me with all that you are
Top
T o C
#1363
23JUL20
The horrible rushing of thirteen plus hour days
gaps seem as unloving in my poetic journal to you
Maybe it is good to be stuck in this busy maze
while the fog of time dulls the edges of loneliness's rue
Top
T o C
#1364
24JUL20
I had an accident in the Mack getting on the highway yesterday
all my confidence just vanished but I had to get back in and drive
I was just living for loving you and now I must find another way
because without you it is hard to remember the joy of alive
Top
T o C
#1365
25JUL20
I must thank you for the fifteen years at my present work
of course the boss put up with a lot of stupid stuff as well
And I had no idea that growing up would be a perk
you're my genie in a bottle and you saved me with your spell
Top
T o C
#1366
26JUL20
Sometimes I miss so much I think I would rather just die
and yet I also know that that could not possibly be true
So I try not to sit around too much or I will just cry
this is of course why this year I have found so much I can do
Before work sometimes I walk around and look at all the lights
and after work I check the flowers taking the time to weed
The changing colors decorate the yard on those lonely nights
all the pretty gardens make it easier for me to bleed
Top
T o C
#1367
27JUL20
Thank you for all the little things that seemed inconsequential at the time
the difference between house and home is far more work than I ever thought
I pay for some help to do it all now though most of it is done in mime
and I am so thankful for the time we had and all the things you taught
Top
T o C
#1368
28JUL20
Some days I wonder how much I can learn from all the things you did not say
or possess some of the grace and confidence that made you who you were
Other days I hope for an echo of your voice just to sooth the fray
as the love of my life turns into the stories that I lived with her
Top
T o C
#1369
29JUL20
Today I will profess that you are the reason that I can have joy
exploring the past because of your departure has taught me so much
You most certainly made a man out of what you found as just a boy
what you have done can only be accredited to an angel's touch
So somehow in your quiet way you have helped me to open my eyes
and I start to see that is nothing short of giving sight to the blind
As shadows creep across my world I am just starting to realize
that your heaven sent was most surely meant to completely blow my mind
Top
T o C
#1370
30JUL20
Sometimes crying over coffee gets old but I hope it never ends
I know it will but I just do not want you to be that far away
I could almost be mad that you helped me get past the boy who pretends
because I certainly could enjoy a fantasy visit today
Top
T o C
#1371
31JUL20
The phone I bought with the last one you owned is falling apart
the thought of replacing it seems a fatal blow to our past
But I am reminded that all that we were took place in the heart
and all the love that was real cannot help but forever last
Top
T o C
#1372
1AUG20
Today I think of all the beauty you brought into my living
and remember the twinkle of living I helped bring into your eyes
I remember the way you taught me that love is in the giving
and how decades later the rewards of giving were still a surprise
Top
T o C
#1373
3AUG20
So Saturday I got an iPhone cuz it saved me several hundred bucks
it was very close to being that straw that broke the camel's back
Seems that 2020 was made to be the year for everything that sucks
but I still have all the love you gave me and I refuse to crack
Top
T o C
#1374
4AUG20
I sit here with this crystal and think of you
how much you did to make us comfortable and at ease
And I try to follow suit with things I do
knowing that I only have a memory to please
Top
T o C
#1375
5AUG20
I should have paid more attention to what you were doing
I guess my heart would not let me think of this being alone
So lost in my man-mode all you ever did was wooing
and my scrapbook of thoughts are all pictures of love you have shown
Top
T o C
#1376
7AUG20
Encased in glass and lit by LED
I sit and think of all the wondrous times we had
It was a great day in our history
one of the thousands we were together and glad
Top
T o C
#1377
8AUG20
I never could have imagined visiting you in a piece of glass
but now coffee would not be the same without seeing you lit
And I suppose in a way it has become part of my morning mass
a quiet time when I gather all our memories and sit
Top
T o C
#1378
9AUG20
I cannot seem to do both of our jobs
and it looks like I have to let the maid go
My heart is getting better but still throbs
and my feelings are still racing to and fro
I'm so glad I did not see this coming
you kept our love so innocent to the end
But nightmares of those last days are numbing
and I am not sure the wound will ever mend
Top
T o C
#1379
10AUG20
So Bree is the new house keeper
and she feels a connection to you
I guess I am not a sweeper
but bought a Shark in case I have to
God dam is waiting for repairs
and possibly this year will be it
Pictures of past work and its snairs
do show that it has changed quite a bit
Gardens of beautiful flowers
all lit right up with colors at night
Attest to efforts and hours
of the honor to you in my plight
Top
T o C
#1380
11AUG20
I am not sure how to be without you
I am not even sure I want to learn
Now I miss all of the things about you
this separation continues to burn
Top
T o C
#1381
12AUG20
Trying to find time to water your gardens while working these twelve hour days
your crystal figure in the shadow of flowers carries the echo of we
I guess I was totally unprepared for this morbid emotional maze
but I find if I close my eyes it is the young beautiful you that I see
Top
T o C
#1382
13AUG20
Day two of making enough time to water the flowers
this ninety degree weather is certainly taking its toll
I do not know why there are not any thunder showers
yesterday the beavers were angry at the dam work I stole
Oh our little kingdom on the water misses its Queen
I am trying to keep the ball rolling toward each of our goals
Still learning that the depths of this lonely can be obscene
and yet remembering our joy keeps me safely in its shoals
Top
T o C
#1383
14AUG20
Rushing through my morning things because work is right out straight
got home at bedtime last night but I had gardens to water
This work in the yard seems much more of an honor than weight
and this weekend I must get a birthday card for your daughter!
Top
T o C
#1384
15AUG20
Who knew I would someday use your lantern to work on the dam
pretty dark at four A. M. when I am gardening for my Queen
It seems you're teaching me to honor you with all that I am
or maybe hindsight is teaching me all that true love can mean
Top
T o C
#1385
17AUG20
I started feeding coffee grounds to your flowers yesterday
I found the tip on Facebook so you know that it must be true
It seems like every single second I miss what you say
and part of each new action is the missing of what you do
Top
T o C
#1386
18AUG20
I think we said until death do us part
but the love that we built seems much stronger than that
After seven months you still own my heart
so glued to our memory is where I am at
Top
T o C
#1387
19AUG20
So today technology is keeping me from posting your poem
and that may be because I forgot to pay last month's bill
Oh Baby without you here this is not really much of a home
I am not sure but I think that I may be in shock still
Top
T o C
<
#1388
20AUG20
Not sure I would call it celebrating your seven months gone
but ICU no longer feels like razor blades in my eyes
Kind of like having no human hope to rest my faith upon
and I am getting used to a heart that out of nowhere cries
Top
T o C
#1389
21AUG20
Today I started a new journal to you
wondering if the one started on the fifth of October will ever be read
I guess I miss everything you would do
sitting perfectly still in the receding echo of all of the things that you said
Top
T o C
#1390
23AUG20
I am a couple hundred poems into missing you
one hundred and thirty-some online with pictures as well
I am also more than seven months from kissing you
think I am doing pretty good but it is hard to tell
Top
T o C
#1391
24AUG20
The work on the dam is finally done at least for a while
thirty-two hundred pounds of concrete and my hips are so sore
I think if you were here to see it it would make you smile
and Baby those smiles were really all that my living was for
Top
T o C
#1392
25AUG20
Your daughter turns fifty-three soon and says she feels you with her every day
don't hear a lot from the boys but Derek says you would not like this plaque much
It is like you were the glue that held it all together 'til you went away
and though your love has made you part of what we all are we miss your special touch
Top
T o C
#1393
26AUG20
Was remembering you and Brenda laughing so hard you were in tears
it was a long time ago yesterday in the hole in my heart
How can seven months plus feel like forever in emotional years
please haunt me for a moment and let me know how I should play this part
Top
T o C
#1394
27AUG20
In the quiet of the mourning it is just your LED lit crystal and I
and a quarter century of life changes brought on by a coffee and a smoke
Sitting here in the echo of your love the memory of a kiss gets me high
and imitating your way of loving your man has a way of keeping me woke
Top
T o C
#1395
28AUG20
With life speeding by this forever without you seems a scam
though apparently time and the heart have never come to terms
Most days I see that you are the reason for now who I am
the completeness of our love this painful emptiness confirms
Top
T o C
#1396
30AUG20
Washing the bedding so I can hang it on the line
I clearly remember how happy that made you feel
Another way to celebrate the days you were mine
and maybe it is another way to help me heal
Top
T o C
#1397
31AUG20
Another week begins with me getting ready for the Mack
mornings have not changed much because I always did them alone
My heart seems much better except for this bruise and that crack
grateful to be full of memories of the love that was shown
Top
T o C
#1398
1SEPT20
Brenda's first birthday without you
not sure why I didn't think of it with Dan
Each date this year is first it's true
so maybe each day I need to make a plan
Top
T o C
#1399
2SEPT20
You are still who I think of to tell all that is new
and it is sad to think that for better that has to change
For all those years you were the reason for things I do
I really cannot find the desire to rearrange
Top
T o C
#1400
3SEPT20
I cannot imagine how proud you would be of Josh and Jenn
as I can hardly wait to be invited to their new place
I already know of the emptiness my heart will feel then
as I know from what you taught I should cover it with grace
Top
T o C
#1401
4SEPT20
Your new owl came in yesterday to replace the one Delanie* took
the shrine looked kind of empty without him sitting there
That quite possibly could be the most powerful picture in your book
reminding us of your gifts of all your love and care
* DMoney (Her chosen new name.)
Top
T o C
#1402
5SEPT20
Having sour cream and onion potato chips for breakfast on Labor Day weekend alone
and then I think I will plant some more coffee grounds although it may be too late to help this year
All this gardening may have helped me come to grips maybe even making this kingdom
my own
being by myself is not as bad as it sounds for sometimes in the silence you feel so near
Top
T o C
#1403
6SEPT20
Gonna ride the 'Wing tomorrow without you
gonna come home to a house all alone
Haven't cried for a while but I am about to
it seems your love was all I've ever known
Top
T o C
#1404
7Sept20
Gonna go see Deb and Martin with you inside my heart
gonna give the 'Wing a bath as if you still care
I cannot take a breath in life and not give you a part
there no corner I can turn and not find you there
Top
T o C
#1405
8SEPT20
Another long weekend without you beside me
suppose the coming up on eight months makes it real
Signs everywhere that you no longer guide me
but that certainly is not at all how I feel
With the cruise wall pictures to greet me each morning
and a wash down the 'Wing for a holiday ride
All these scents of you are like music adorning
with the sparkling diamonds of each tear I cried
Top
T o C
#1406
10SEPT20
I am overwhelmed when I think of what care you took of me
my life was exceedingly blessed just because I caught your eye
So now I look to all you did as a guide for how to be
and I can think of no more a loving way to say goodbye
Top
T o C
#1407
11SEPT20
This day happened just after we booked our first cruise
I remember you wanting to cancel and explaining why I thought we should not
Was the going to stand against them you would choose
and start to build this great treasure chest of awesome memories with you I have got
Top
T o C
#1408
12SEPT20
A weekend off before busy season starts
a last attempt to organize the yard before fall rolls in
Memories of you fill your famiy's hearts
and making them tender as the holiday seasons begin
Here trying to learn to live in your absence
selfishly like it is the first death to ever hit the Earth
By far the worst event in my conscience
that sad day of losing someone of indescribable worth
Top
T o C
#1409
15SEPT20
I get to tell Jenn today that you helped with her birthday gift
and I got to be the first guest at her and Josh's new house
I am still awed that the passage into the past is so swift
and overwhelmed with the joy of having been your loving spouse
Top
T o C
#1410
17SEPT20
I remember I could hug you but only for so long
now I am sure that a week would not be nearly enough
I now stand guard to your memory trying to be strong
just picturing this tiny thing that taught me to be tough
Top
T o C
#1411
18SEPT20
Here in my own insanity I no longer care what is real
there is a cruise wall of pictures of us in happy times
Though it has nothing to do with now it is all that I feel
and sometimes I am overwhelmed by emotional crimes
Top
T o C
#1412
19SEPT20
The maid is coming tomorrow and she is needed badly
I only vacuumed once since the last time she was here
Missing you is harder during busy season and sadly
but before you left you filled my heart with memories dear
Top
T o C
#1413
22SEPT20
How blessed I am that you gave me the best of your life
it softens the ache of living here now all alone
What a jewel the memory is of you as my wife
how precious to practice the loving ways I was shown
Top
T o C
#1414
23SEPT20
So many I Love Yous in text and in call
so many hugs and kisses to end each day
And so many cruise pictures up on this wall
of the love of my life when she was at play
Top
T o C
#1415
24SEPT20
Your crystal and I together in the wee hours of the day
as cold and empty as the pictures that hang upon the wall
But the memories of joy you left me have so much more to say
and this morning I decide that I will listen to their call
Top
T o C
#1416
25SEPT20
In the midst of this I do not know how the grieving would be treated
how can it be I am expected to participate with the living
It appears my part is to act as if I have not been defeated
so I get up every day and follow your example of giving
Top
T o C
#1417
26SEPT20
I am surrounded by the owls the last year you did collect
the gardens are full of the decorations you thought were best
And I just try to do all the things that I think you would expect
terrified of the day our marriage will finally rest
Top
T o C
#1418
27SEPT20
I love to look at all the pictures that I put in your book
I love that when I post a poem it is from ten weeks ago
I love having all these memories and all the time it took
I love that this pauper boy had the pleasure a Queen to know
Top
T o C
#1419
28SEPT20
Posted a poem about your crystal and my memories
wrote to you in the journal that started in October of alive
And it is so awkward having only myself to please
holding sacred in my heart the love you gave that helps me to survive
Top
T o C
#1420
29SEPT20
I remember your coming to hug me with a kiss
I remember you at your computer with a turn of head
And these are the moments I think the most that I miss
all those little things that we did that made sure our hearts were fed
Top
T o C
#1421
30SEPT20
Clips I saw of the debate were horrendous
we are heading into flu season of the year of the plague
The support has been completely stupendous
though inspiration's best this year seems to be just shy of vague
Top
T o C
#1422
1OCT20
This time of year was not at all your fravorite
the falling leaves and temperatures beginning to drop
The mad rush of fall and trying to savor it
thinking of holidays without you and trying to stop
Top
T o C
#1423
2OCT20
I keep thinking I want to talk to you but I believe it is listen
Dan said he had a dream and with no words you gave him a big hug
It's like I have polished all the echoes of you until they glisten
I guess I have turned my memories of you into my new drug
Top
T o C
#1424
3OCT20
The furnace is on as the house is chilled by fall
today you would get up for coffee and drag out laundry all day
It's funny how that never bothered me at all
how I would come to your computer for anything you would say
Top
T o C
#1425
4OCT20
I like Sunday mornings when I update your poems and pictures in your book
it is almost like I get to spend a little time with you
And I am not sure I really care how many people take a look
because it is just another thing that helps me make it through
Top
T o C
#1426
5OCT20
I remember leaning over to kiss your forehead to start my day
I remember the moan that was hello goodbye and leave me alone
Remember the owl to replace the one Delanie* took away
the recliner shrine is so much better than a graveyard and a stone
*DMoney
Top
T o C
#1427
6OCT20
It's funny how napping in the recliner feels close to you
and funny how I time my early morning so that I can
I am blessed to have such memories of a love that is true
and I cannot help but feel like a very fortunate man
Top
T o C
#1428
7OCT20
As your least favorite season approaches I tend to garden decor repair
it seems I do not mind adding lights but I do not want to lose a thing
Sometimes when I survey the yard after work it seems as if you are right there
and in that fanciful moment we can enjoy all of our redneck bling
Top
T o C
#1429
8OCT20
I see poems about how sad it is to feel you slip away
older verse now and six months after you held my hand goodbye
So I guess in the heart time just does not get to have its way
sadness does not leave the stage because tears have run themselves dry
Yet stepping aside it allows the spotlight happier views
lifting memories' fog so hindsight can see all joyous times
It cannot of course take away all of the shattered heart's dues
but eventually it becomes one of nostalgia's chimes
Top
T o C
#1430
9OCT20
I have a minute to be on paper with you
then five in the shower and work is calling again
And still you are part of everything I do
and I love you in words that are flowing from my pen
Top
T o C
#1431
10OCT20
Rearranged the front dining and living rooms today
mostly so I could keep the new bicycle in here
That is full proof that you have forever gone away
ashes and death certificate did not make it clear
Top
T o C
#1432
12OCT20
The pumkin and the flower are not dancing it is dark
and I live another day without you at my side
You may not have been my fire but you sure were the spark
and you turned the last nineteen years into quite the ride
Top
T o C
#1433
12OCT20 (#2)
Zoom is the new meeting format so we don't spread this disease
it helps to see and hear people but they are so far away
It has helped me to get through this year but it has not been a breeze
and you have passed beyond the veil and shall forever stay
Top
T o C
#1434
13OCT20
Whenever I nap in the recliner I remember reaching for your hand
I thought it was the treatment winning not the introduction of the end
That last month I got to live as your attendant could not have been better planned
even if I had known that it was the final goodbye to my best friend
Top
T o C
#1435
14OCT20
Saving your garden decorations is teaching me quite a lot
the fact that you used wall hangings did not help much at all
Were you here another decoration would probably be bought
now it has become nothing less than a favorite doll
Top
T o C
#1436
15OCT20
This weekend I have to get out your Halloween decorations
as it is that will only give them two weeks to be on display
Maybe I should be learning from your seasonal celebrations
then bring in the last of your
flags before they get too much afray
Top
T o C
#1437
16OCT20
I posted an August poem about the eternal of this loss
yet today in mid-October I can only see the almost magical gain
Oh there are pieces of my heart that have forever lost their gloss
and memories so saddening that they may spend all eternity in their pain
Had you slipped away during the night my heart would be empty still
terror may not have held the echoes of sight but its hollow would be the same
The silence of no I love you
when I talk to you is now shrill
ah but there is something almost sacred when I sit here alone and call your name
Top
T o C
#1438
17OCT20
I feel like I am doing your job every time I make a grocery list
I have yet to make anything taste as good as it did when you made it for me
And I sit here with the too few memories of the thousands of times we have kissed
trying unbelievably hard to remember the simplest pleasures of be
Top
T o C
#1439
18OCT20
Ninety-four days from the anniversary of your goodbye
it's like a thousand years ago yesterday a man I know said
Though I cannot achieve the home you made I really do try
and still it is the coming home to the empty house that I dread
Top
T o C
#1440
19OCT20
The process of saving your garden decorations is something I can use
it seems as if your love has reached across the abyss to gift me something new
And when I thought I had lost you forever I find that you still are my muse
cuz I feel the gentle echo of your love in everything that I do
Top
T o C
#1441
20OCT20
Nine months without you whom still I could almost touch
just like then you are part of all the things I do
But my heart knows not death and loves you just as much
while the circus in my mind juggles all its rue
Top
T o C
#1442
21OCT20
I never expected my life to be like a fairy tale
at the beach our first cruise and how happy we were sharing vows
And I never expected that my life could become so frail
or expected to see a curtain call where nobody bows
Top
T o C
#1443
22OCT20
You said you knew you came here to raise children
and maybe you just saved your biggest baby for last
I don't even know all the ways you helped me
but gratitude fills me as you slide into the past
Top
T o C
#1444
23OCT20
If I could get just a kiss before I go
maybe for a moment things again could seem right
Just one kiss from you is all my heart can know
lost in the fact you are no longer in my sight
Top
T o C
#1445
25OCT20
On Sunday mornings I move the week's poems to your volume adding pictures
it seems to be a concrete way of spending the love we had saved
I am not concerned though I am aware this may create future strictures
for the present to your memory I am happily enslaved
Top
T o C
#1446
26OCT20
Putting away the garden decorations and lights
helped me to see why you did not like this upcoming time of year
Though it never stopped you from your holiday delights
and those certainly have some of the memories I hold most dear
Top
T o C
#1447
27OCT20
I have gotten in the habit of a nap before I leave for the day
and I can almost feel my reaching out so you can take my hand
And it is not like even if you appeared I would know what I should say
but maybe if I do it enough someday I will understand
Top
T o C
#1448
28OCT20
Sometimes it is the hug after work that I miss the most
and sometimes it is simply that little sparkle in your eye
At this point I would be happy to entertain your ghost
but I would settle for thoughts of you that do not make me cry
Top
T o C
#1449
29OCT20
Never thought I would be trying to raise Dahlias for you
it is appropriate that they cannot live through the winter here
I am sure you would love that they bloom until snow is due
the gorgeous bright yellow ones sure shine at this time of the year
Top
T o C
#1450
31OCT20
Dug up the tubers yesterday sorry I did not write
I'm sure there's dirt all over the place you're happy not to see
I am wrapped in flannel with the window open at night
and in my dreams you are still here dancing happily with me
Top
T o C
#1451
1NOV20
I had them come and fill the kerosine
it seems like I had plenty of time
Wouldn't you know it snow for halloween
I sit and remember you in mime
Top
T o C
#1452
3NOV20
Running the truck in the morning just to warm it up a bit
to echoes of how much you did not like the cold
When I am here by myself it is only with you I sit
while memories of laughter in heartbeats are told
Top
T o C
#1453
4NOV20
The whole country is crazy getting ready for civil war
like no one even remembers that I have lost my Queen
I'm not sure anyone knows what the angry attacks are for
their belief that the one percent cares about them is obscene
Did you leave so you would not witness the insanity grow
or was seeing your children as parents the last gem in your crown
I have come to terms with the fact that it was your time to go
though I fell into the river of sadness I did not drown
Top
T o C
#1454
5NOV20
There is a bitter presidential battle taking place
and I am not sure if I even care
As I stand before a wall of sweet pictures of your face
trying to hold on to just being there
Top
T o C
#1455
6NOV20
The crystal is all that tells me things have changed
I have been doing mornings alone for a number of years
I am glad I could not get things rearranged
although that fantasy does not have nearly as many tears
Kind of like The Dance
and what I would have missed
I just gave my life to you and you turned it into a dream
Oh I would not change a single time we kissed
or lose a single memory of us in my heart agleam
Top
T o C
#1456
7NOV20
So glad you did not see the holidays' cancelation
so sorry I did not garden for you when you were here
So grateful you are still teaching me appreciation
oh just to see you sitting in your shrine drinking a beer
Top
T o C
#1457
9NOV20
I could not post your daily poem this morning because PowWeb sux*
and it seems the makers of straw want to break my camel's back
Spent hundredes to try to do it right but I guess it ain't the bucks
so I have asked your Facebook world if they could get me on track
* It appears that, even though 99.99% of the time I sign in to PowWeb I am taken to an error page,
and even though some of their pages are down too
frequently, this was a problem caused by
extremely old wires Comcast needed to replace. The problems with the PowWeb site led me to
jump to conclusions, for which I am sorry. They have increased my protection by adding picture
screen I have to go through before i can even get to the error page when i sign in, and for this
I am grateful!
Top
T o C
#1458
10NOV20
If only I had learned how you remain so calm
could use a little bit of that today
Yet the memories you left are just like a balm
I would not have it any other way
Top
T o C
#1459
11NOV20
There are flowers on the table and more over by the sink
been buying them since our anniversary you did not make
I guess I buy them for me but it is of you that I think
there's not a lot that can help but in a way they soothe the ache
Top
T o C
#1460
12NOV20
Early in the morning I sit and look at you in the glass
just ten months ago I was asking what I could make to eat
I guess finally I feel the impact of this too shall pass
wondering how without you my life can ever be complete
Top
T o C
#1461
13NOV20
I get to type what I wrote to you nine weeks ago
providing that PowWeb allows me onto the site for which I paid
Pictures remind me of the adventures we did know
all those wonderful times in the Caribbean when for weeks we played
Top
T o C
#1462
15NOV20
Today makes eleven months without smoking
yesterday I still wanted to stop and buy a pack
Of course I know it only leads to choking
and I know I really do not want to have that back
I sit and look at our pictures on the wall
and remember all the fun we had along the way
I still can't believe I married such a doll
or how much one can desire one more day to play
Top
T o C
#1463
16NOV20
Updating your volume of poetry on Sundays is what I do
the fact that Sara gave me the title seems appropriate somehow
If you see Rick in your travels tell him that I also miss him too
a visit sure would be nice if the rules over there allow
Top
T o C
#1464
17NOV20
Eight days left in this season and I am done
twenty (?) more footings to dig and then pour
Not looking like alone will be any fun
feeling pathetic that I am still sore
Not sure how to honor you in the best way
not even sure that I have any choice
So I just watch my pen and its paper play
even it seems like some far away voice
Top
T o C
#1465
18NOV20
There was snow in the air as I worked late with Pogo Paul
got home to flowers and pictures of you and past love's sweet scent
Kodac moments so many I can't remember them all
so I replace with celebration all that I would lament
Top
T o C
#1466
19NOV20
Sure is a good thing I got rid of wishing a long time ago
because I could live in a fantasy world that had you there
It is hardly like you would come with me everywhere I would go
but I never left the house without being wrapped in your care
Top
T o C
#1467
20NOV20
Ten months alone it feels like you just left
on the cold side of forever I wonder if you were really here
I'm like a rich man who lost it all to theft
like no one who hears my story can be inspired to shed a tear
Then in my frozen I remember the chest
that holds all of the gems and jewels we discovered along our way
And the reels of memories that are the best
Oh, how you decorated my life with such a beautiful array!
Top
T o C
#1468
21NOV20
Love is like oxygen say the lyrics to the song
fortunately I can still breathe your love although you are gone
And I had no idea that your heart's pull was this strong
but you made it clear it was something I could depend upon
Top
T o C
#1469
22NOV20
Coming up on my first laf off without you by my side
getting a little nervous that it may be more than I can take
Seems all of twenty-twenty has been an horrific ride
I said to Brenda gotta do it for the grandkids' sake
Top
T o C
#1470
23NOV20
The first holiday season without you and round two (?) of the plague
three days left of this season then back to my dungeon of dirt
Precious memories of the past are now blurring into the vague
but I refuse to move through my day in avoidance of hurt
Top
T o C
#1471
24NOV20
Just two days from celebrating Thanksgiving without you here
Chris and Jenn and Deb are all concerned that I be not alone
I have a whole world to thank you for and that is very clear
I take care of Tom like you showed me and I think he has grown
Top
T o C
#1472
26NOV20
We all knew this would come but we did not know how to prepare
and the plague drove us into corners where we sit all alone
We need to find out what it feels like in heart to have you there
and find dispite appearances that in your love we have grown
Top
T o C
#1473
28NOV20
A holiday passed with the help of Derek, the girls and Jeanine
then I spent a day at the computer with Pogo and you
The emptiness that I feel here has now gone so far past obscene
and I am here with a list of things I do not want to do
Top
T o C
#1474
29NOV20
It is time to start getting the Christmas spirit on
maybe making scrapbooks for the kids will help with that
And the pandemic does not help with you being gone
if not for the family I would throw in the hat
Top
T o C
#1475
30NOV20
The first holiday without you slides by with no reunion planned
not sure if the pandemic made this year easier or harder to bear
Brenda has made a Christmas plan where technology lends a hand
we will all join in celebration even if we are not even there
Top
T o C
#1476
1DEC20
I did not buy gifts for grandkids throughout the year
I try to group text the kids at least once a week
I can't shake knowing it was better with you here
but still we can find that Christmas spirit we seek
Top
T o C
#1477
2DEC20
I guess you have inspired me to learn to live alone
coming up on eleven months since you left and I am fine
And maybe the pictures and poems I post have set a tone
so it might take a special kind of woman to cross that line
Top
T o C
#1478
3DEC20
All sorts of new nails in the ceiling beams to hang your Christmas things
Santas and Mrs. and elves and even some lights I had never seen
Found frosties and snowflakes and reindeer and a Christmas bell that rings
maybe I can decorate this place as a fitting space for my Queen
Top
T o C
#1479
4DEC20
Pumpkin pie for breakfast and thoughts of you
when sisters passed you did not say a word
Getting on with life is what you would do
maybe advise I thought I never heard
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T o C
#1480
7DEC20
I guess I had no idea how much Christmas stuff you had
over a hundred things are out or hanging on every beam
Lights old or unopened turn all these rooms from their recent sad
ornaments dating back over forty years reflect their gleam
Looking for addresses I found your book of special dates
and you even wrote down the the day I bought your diamond for you
I never could picture someone waiting at the pearly gates
but there are days now that I could really wish that it were true
Top
T o C
#1481
8DEC20
Began the non-viral Christmas shopping just yesterday
I can see why you spread it out for the whole year
Money is not an issue so I am trying to play
hoping to add to this year's pandemic Zoom cheer
Top
T o C
#1482
9DEC20
It was a LOT easier to do this work on the house for you
my life was so much better when it was spent in service to the Queen
The world is full of options and I am stuck here without a clue
who cares about the sea and fishes when you are the best I've ever seen
Top
T o C
#1483
11DEC20
Not sure I want to do Christmas without you
but this is not one of the choices I can make
For the first time the grandkids are about to
and I know I must put on the cheer for their sake
Top
T o C
#1484
13DEC20
What a selfish and self-centered thing it is to grieve
I am sorry for you and for your children of course
But it is living without you I cannot conceive
the loneliness and lonesome are a horrible force
My heart had grown accustomed to your love's reflection
my mind was soothed with all of your humor and your smiles
My day awaited to be crowned with your affection
and now the dragon of sadness attacks with its wiles
Top
T o C
#1485
15DEC20
I have missed at least seven days of poems in the last three weeks
I've played a LOT of Pogo but that is hardly time with you
I put together this broken heart but know not what it seeks
I am still lost here in your echo wondering what to do
Top
T o C
#1486
16DEC20
It is not like I am walking on egg shells
because the whole baker's dozen is scrambled and more
It's more like trying to avoid the big swells
like trying not to get shot without leaving the war
I know it's my own emotional mishap
I know that you gave me the very best that you had
I want to get up so where is that bootstrap
I want to keep missing you without being so sad
Top
T o C
#1487
17DEC20
I found some Frosty wrapping paper I think you would like
and though I am using your gift bags all presents will be wrapped
Might have over-shopped to try to avert sadness's strike
for it sure seems that spending this year is only by time capped
Top
T o C
#1488
19DEC20
I hope I did the shopping in a way that seems like you
it may be the whole idea behind Christmas this year
I spent so much time at word I didn't see what you do
and no matter how I shop your absence will be clear
Top
T o C
#1489
19DEC20 #2
Christmas music is playing on the computer through your speakers
boxes that say Avon
are waiting for each present I wrap
When I go to buy scratch tickets I have my red and green sneakers
and for quilting
later you know I save every scrap
Top
T o C
#1490
21DEC20
Finally got all the presents wrapped and ready
have deliveries to do because Brenda and Morgan already came
And so time keeps on ticking at least that is steady
and I keep getting up here all alone so there is that that is the same
Top
T o C
#1491
22DEC20
Some days I think I have done quite well with all of this
some days I wonder if I am in shock and cannot see
Some days I think all I need to have is one more kiss
other days I wonder if when I die I will be free
Top
T o C
#1492
23DEC20
Over eleven months ago we said our goodbyes
or I did at least you were so drugged up you may have been gone
I have been told to get over this thing that never dies
it seems that I am caught in this game of love as just a pawn
Until death do us part
means nothing when one still lives
my heart cannot conceive of love that could ever die
And it does not know where it should turn as must it gives
so some days there is nothing it can do but sit here and cry
Top
T o C
#1493
24DEC20
Going into the first Christmas Eve after you left
Derek got called into work and the plague keeps us apart
I think the plan is to pretend we are not bereft
and to know you will be forever in every heart
Top
T o C
#1494
25DEC20
Scratch tickets you
bought for everyone got me forty-one bucks
I waited until the end of the day to get them out
This going through each holiday celebration without you sucks
I am not sure love knows what letting go is all about
Top
T o C
#1495
26DEC20
I sit in our house all alone and know it is only because of you
it was twenty years ago that I went to a wake for a little support
And now there is a little bit of your touch in everything I do
so I feel that if I did not act grateful that I would be selling you short
Top
T o C
#1496
28DEC20
So bad lover boy missed missed writing a poem to you another day
playing PopIt on Pogo for you should be a good enough excuse
With the 2020 Stink Stank Stunk Grinch ornament on display
I am tossed by tides of heart the over-sensitive and the obtuse
Battered against the rocky shores of grief I am bleeding my goodbyes
long after you have gone away and even all the echoes have died
I won at the game of life but how do I live without my prize
one might think I had lost if they were counting all the times I have cried
The new year coming will be unlike the one that took you away
though I may still post pictures and add poems to your book I made online
I will be grateful for your blessings in my life every day
and know deep down inside that you are the only reason I am fine
Top
T o C
#1497
29DEC20
Having Pistachios for breakfast and thank you ever so much
took a couple three week vacation and have gained at least ten pounds
Am hoping to dig on Friday with help of the New Year's touch
wishing the pain of losing you to fade is as bad as it sounds
I do want to be happy and maybe even to be in love
but I am old and fat and most certainly do not want to change
Guess I would rather be with you on paper if push comes to shove
how in all eternity could kissing other lips not feel strange
Top
T o C
#1498
30DEC20
I was settling in for a long lay off of chores and then boom
found out I screwed up unemployment to the tune of owing twelve grand
It seems I just clawed my way out of a life full of gloom and doom
but I know that life would have no luster if it went as it were planned
Top
T o C
#1499
31DEC20
Tomorrow will be just another morning I wake up today
calendar-wise it will be the first day of a year without you
Not sure if I should think I talk to you or maybe call it pray
but this year it certainly was the thing that helped me to get through
Top
T o C
#1500
1JAN21
I enter a new year with an inkling of what it means to mourn
and oh what an incredible journey this last year has been
The day you left some new capacity inside this heart was born
so four hundred poems later will it even want to love again
It wishes it could as it continues to build its shrine to you
while my mind scoffs at the people who tell me it's time to move on
I wonder what your opinion is of all of the things I do
while my zest for life is paralyzed by the fact that you are gone
Top
T o C
#1501
1JAN21 (#2)
The first day of twenty-twenty-one slides by without you
thought I was kind of ready as you have been gone for a while
But it appears your shadow will wet my cheeks this year too
no matter how many times I look at pictures of your smile
So NOTHING seems to matter when you are not here with me
losing twenty thousand to unemployment does knot my gut
Even that seems frivolous when my love I cannot see
when the exit door through which she left is now forever shut
Top
T o C
#1502
2JAN21
I don't want to finish the cologne that you gave me
or even the trash bags that you left in the draw
I scramble for thoughts to honor you and to save me
and I wish for a season this cold heart to thaw
I write now with a new purple pen that Jenn gave me
trying to steer clear of sadness and its strong draw
But I am not sure any words I write can save me
or anything short of resurrection could thaw
Top
T o C
#1503
3JAN21
The humming bird calendar was just moved into the hall of fame
the twentieth of January was marked with R I P
This is a brand new year but emotionally it is the same
you have moved on to the next level but I do not feel free
Obviously this has absolutely nothing to do with you
you gave me a much better life than I could ever have dreamed
I have created errors whose correction I must now pursue
knowing that once I had a much better future than it seemed
Top
T o C
#1504
4JAN21
I get up and do what I have to do and not much more
I know deep inside that that is not really the way to choose
It feels like this sorrow is all that I ever have in store
but I know falling for that feeling is far too much to lose
Top
T o C
#1505
4JAN21 (#2)
I guess I am going to have to take all the Christmas stuff down
although oddly illogical it is like I decorated the whole house with you
Once again the kingdom on the pond is going to lose its crown
and I do not know how many more goodbyes this terribly broken heart can go through
Top
T o C
#1506
5JAN21
I have pondered increasing the poem a day in twenty-twenty-one to two
aware of course that certain people already consider the course over run
But it seems to me that I was just getting good at falling in love with you
starting to see all the work we had to do was but another way we had fun
Top
T o C
#1507
6JAN21
I have pink and purple flowers centered on the table
I say they are for me but I believe they are for you
As even at the store I choose as if you were able
like a hundred other things I did just like the way you'd do
Top
T o C
#1508
7JAN21
A year ago we were spending our last real week together
you may have known that it was far worse than you were letting on
For some reason we thought we knew what was the stormy weather
six very longs days after that the love of my life was gone
Top
T o C
#1509
8JAN21
I flip the switch and watch colored LED lights shine up into a crystal etching of you
that sits in front of a vase of flowers I bought at the grocery store over a week ago
In this quiet I sit and listen for the echo of all the wonderful things you would do
and realize it was never the things but always and only the love that you helped me to grow
Top
T o C
#1510
9JAN21
I am not sure where this path is going to lead me
but there is a fair amount of certainty I don't want it to end
There's a comfort to the way this horror does bleed me
and although you are long gone I am still sitting here waiting to send
Top
T o C
#1511
10JAN21
This COVID spike does not help your life celebration
although I have tried to honor your love every single day
Then thoughts of putting my heart into hybernation
give me moments of peace but appear that they will not go away
Ten days from a year and it feels like I just started
how could I possibly memorialize all that you gave me
And it seems like part of my soul died when we parted
leaving me looking for clues in the shrapnel that just might save me
Top
T o C
#1512
11JAN21
Spending another winter in my bathrobe sure you would whine
made a mess of the monetary things and hope a hearing clears it up
Not sure if it is my age or loneliness but I am fine
even if I cannot fix it it is not like my first bitter cup
I gaze into the crystal and then I glance off at the wall
and I am reminded of how wonderful this life can really be
While in an empty chamber of my heart is echoed your call
and I remember those loving eyes that I shall never again see
Top
T o C
#1513
12JAN21
In two days it will be one year since I dialed 911
there is a video that tells me why I had to make that call
So almost a year has passed since this nightmare was begun
with a million years of tears but your love has led me through it all
Top
T o C
#1514
12JAN21 (#2)
The laser lights are still on the front and house
and Christmas will be three weeks ago in three days
A week and a day from a year without a spouse
and it feels I am trying to get through a maze
Studies suggest this grief triggered other griefs past
with its power and totality it makes sense
The depths of the reach of loneliness are so vast
and the utter of heart's silence is so intense
Oh the plague may have made it a much longer year
or that is what I tell myself to compensate
Guess love with no place to go turns into a tear
with which sooner or later we all can relate
So we try not to want others to understand
but then we would be wishing upon them a curse
For when love is whole then to the end it is planned
so the heart that remains then becomes that love's hearse
But you cannot bury such a beautiful bond
and there is no longer a way to help it grow
So you remember each miracle that love spawned
and try to keep each memory of it in tow
You live in a world that you did not want to see
thankful that it was not the other way around
You do whatever you want but you are not free
because of what is missing from each sight and sound
Though it is not a burden to watch your heart break
each morning it realizes it is alone
Cuz for a time it had all of the love it could take
and remains in awe of the wonders it was shown
Top
T o C
#1515
13JAN21
I must be an arrogant man to pick up a pen after that
yet routine has so rutted the start of the day I will not change
Writing more is part of the plan so I throw more words in the vat
being poet encases my heart so not writing would be strange
Top
T o C
#1516
14JAN21
Some days my heart does not want to find someone new
some days loneliness makes me want to reach out
Some days I can feel so full just thinking of you
could that be what my new world is all about
Top
T o C
#1517
15JAN21
This poem is numbered before I even begin to write
because I had to know the number of the possible one
*
I guess I thought some verse would come that just might end this night
'til I am gone this living without you will never be done
*1514
Top
T o C
#1518
16JAN21
Deb invited me to lunch on the anniversary of your passing
I am so glad we got to spend the day with them together
Trying not to be sad for expereinces without you amassing
although my heart has been trying to find some better weather
Top
T o C
#1519
17JAN21
I bought flowers at the grocery store though I was unsure
I took down the Christmas lights so dominos would have it all
I am but a seive and your love comes out of every pore
it has been almost a year and I no longer hear your call
Top
T o C
#1520
18JAN21
One year ago I was watching you on Fentanyl lost in your pain
my regret had me decide you would not spend another night alone
Your children and I were watching all our hopes for you struggle in vain
gathering all of our memories of the years of love you had shown
Top
T o C
#1521
19JAN21
One year ago I laid down for a nap and Brenda called
the hospital said you had crossed the line of you living will
So that was the day that I learned coldness could scald
and it seems as if I am tending to those injuries still
Top
T o C
#1522
20JAN21
One year ago Derek and I held your hands while you took your last breath
it may be selfish but I hope that was the worst week of my life
I still discovering the depth of loss created by your death
while remembering the fairy tale where you were my loving wife
Some have told me you would want me to be happy and I should move on
but I have yet to realize all the wonderful ways you were
If I could create an imaginary lover to wish upon
in my heart I know it is only you that could ever be her
Top
T o C
#1523
21JAN21
I begin year number two spent without my Queen
unfortunately I wait to hear opinions of how it is wrong
It seems I'm just learning what the depths of love mean
it is not as if I am only here to sing my nightingale's song
As I define the cliche of once it is gone
the twenty-twenty of my hindsight puts a whole new spin on the year
I find there is joy with no hope to rest upon
and the lone of me becomes a celebration instead of a tear
Top
T o C
#1524
22JAN21
I do not think this is the song that never ends but I shall see
guess the funny thing is that I am prepared to sing it until I die
A year is far too short to try to cherish all your time with me
I am only just beginning to remember it without tears to cry
Top
T o C
#1525
23JAN21
My wife passed over a year ago
may change my category
was reading about the mental healthy burnout crisis due to COVID19 today
I know I am not the first widower in this purgatory
as I am sure this pandemic has caused some to have far more than just tears to pay
But I am here where the Queen was the bright star of every day
where the reward was a kiss and quick hug when all of the work had finally been done
And I alone know the trauma that this old heart has had to pay
just as I know I would gladly pay more now that our love story has finished its run
Top
T o C
#1526
24JAN21
It seems another year of this plague is rolling in
while the long cold of lonely winter settles around me
Sitting on a cold bench at Benson's is now a win
or maybe just a vacation from the ghosts that hound me
Top
T o C
#1527
25JAN21
So the unemployment saga drags on
and I accept the distraction for what it is
I still wake to the fact that you are gone
what to do still seems an unanswerable quiz
So I sit and play Pogo just like you
am on book six of twenty-seven for this year
Discovering awe that was over due
and learning to remember us without a tear
Top
T o C
#1528
27JAN21
I tell myself to write catch up
poems for all the days I have missed
then go to part one on the site without writing one for that day
So I have to wonder if my focus is what makes pain exist
or if instead of honoring you there might be a better way
And just maybe that was the laugh I needed all alone out loud
while pandemic crazy fogs my vision for yet another round
I would not miss living by wearing your memory as a shroud
nor would I miss discovering blessings these tributes so far found
Top
T o C
#1529
28JAN21
Yesterday I got flowers with a butterfly for you at the grocery store
and roses with Lillies of the Incas by your crystal on the table with no room
With no money coming in my guess is that flowers are what the savings were for
while your LED lit figure brings back the memories of when our hearts were in bloom
Top
T o C
#1530
29JAN21
Read an article suggested by Christy that talked about therapists needing therapists
heard someone saying the other night that all of us in this plague have PTSD
I may actually start to believe that all the gods have now become contortionists
that the ocean of life has become such a storm that there no longer remains a lee
But I know in my heart that you would never decide that you should look at things in life this way
so I will continue to look for the best no matter how many setbacks I find
Rejoicing because your influence on me has reached across this great divide into today
and thus celebrating the awesome fact that your love is still one of the ties that bind
Top
T o C
#1531
30JAN21
In this arctic cold of winter it sure would be nice to reach for you
guess deep down inside I still cannot believe our time could come to an end
Eternal love is just something that our hearts were created to do
and I am left with all of these messages to you that I cannot send
Top
T o C
#1532
31JAN21
Some days I get up early just so I can nap in the recliner you got me
and there may be days that I nap because it is just too sad to stay up alone
I cannot even begin to give credence to that which some people say ought be
and when this is the time of year when we should be packing for our trip to Bayonne
Top
T o C
#1533
1FEB21
Big snow storm coming and I really need milk
funny thing is I was there yesterday for bread
Later under flannel I will dream of silk
where the ghost of you glides down hallways in my mind
Top
T o C
#1534
2FEB21
It is white and windy and still some snow on the way
one of those days when sitting at your computer would be the plan
I will have to bundle up and go out there to play
but first will sit and think of you as such a fortunate man
Top
T o C
#1535
2FEB21 #2
It has been over a long pandemic year since our jarring goodbye
and I know you would not have chosen to leave in such a dramatic way
I am coming up on a month already since I last had to cry
and sometimes it seems when I pick up the pen I have nothing left to say
Of course I know the chance of that happening is truly slim to none
when it is my turn to leave I will hope to see you on the other side
But maybe for this coming year I will just try to think of our fun
polish the bike on Sundays pretending to take you for another ride
Top
T o C
#1536
3FEB21
It took me two days to get the shoveling done on this storm
maybe because there was no place I really wanted to go
Partially due to distribution for banking to keep warm
the plus being the exercise in carrying all that snow
Dreamt I drove my pickup into a river during my nap
it left me wondering if my heart did not like last night's poem
It is funny how I used to think that all of that was crap
today I realize the invisible makes most of home
Top
T o C
#1537
4FEB21
So many memories of packing the car so we could head for the Jersey shore
or going to the airport again to fly south and get on the world's biggest ship
Or joining the group at the end of a cruise just so we could get back on for more
thank you for being the loving woman who was beside me on every trip
Top
T o C
#1538
5FEB21
Not sure what to do now that I am only with you in line
I suppose I could stop writing today and you would be gone
Mentally I understand that you have left and I am fine
but deep within my heart I am the pond and you are my swan
Top
T o C
#1539
5FEB21 #2
Last time at H&R Block when they will need to use your name
the lady listened while I talked about a year without you
So I guess that now doing taxes will never be the same
coming up on thirteen months of not knowing what I should do
Top
T o C
#1540
7FEB21
Worked on the website most of the day yesterday
finally most of the links are changed to HTTPS
I do not know if it will ever go that way
but people looking at your volume has become my success
Top
T o C
#1541
8FEB21
I still find it hard to believe I was fortunate enough to catch your eye
sitting before the monument to adventures our love got to take
It is no wonder that thoughts of your passing can surge up and force me to cry
or that the empty seat at this table again watches my heart break
Top
T o C
#1542
9FEB21
A year ago I was getting on a ship two days late
the first order of business was to tell them you were not there
I had never even gone on a cruise without my mate
but the lonely rooms of our kingdom became too much to bear
We had ordered a suite so that we could reach Diamond Plus
but all I had was an eight by ten with you in that red dress
One night I took it to karaoke just to see us
where I sang Nights In White Satin
to my Queen nevertheless
Outside the ship the pandemic had begun to set in
inside the callous of Customer Service was like a knife
Questioning me on your whereabouts was their only spin
it was like they thought the only way they could help was with strife
By mid-week of cruise two I did not dare to disembark
my complaints of the treatment had earned me an harrassment charge
I mostly felt safe in my suite all alone in the dark
guess it added to the ambiance of grief that was at large
But Nani and Trish and the Hoffmans helped me to get through
and Joan and her friend I met through a shipmate from the past
All helped me feel part of a world where compassion was true
giving me hope that the love we created would always last
Charm and Lovely and Ivana down in the casino
where I spent thousands the way you showed me I should have fun
Probably helped to pass each night in that kind of beano
and I was ready to go home when the second cruise was done
Top
T o C
#1543
10FEB21
Over a year later during another pandemic winter I am hit with depression
the spending freeze from screwing up my unemployment only exacerbated the fall
Almost could not help but drag this past summer and last spring into this memory's succession
one rotation around the sun with the ghost of your loving certainly can't fix it all
But I am happy to say I am deep in the delusion of having escaped from the shock
treading the surface of fantasy's ocean as I keep believing you hear all that I say
My mind knows in this life that door will not open but my heart insists on standing there to knock
so I just let the dragon of my mind sleep while my heart goes out on the ocean to play
Top
T o C
#1544
11FEB21
Thank you so much for the memories of our together
thank you so much for the love that you taught me how to show
Thank you so much for family for you were its tether
thank you so much for all of the joys you taught us to know
Top
T o C
#1545
12FEB21
I nap in the recliner and reach out to touch your shrine
it seems like but a minute ago I could touch your hand
Now I can only remember the days when you were mine
shared sadness with those fortunate enough to understand
Top
T o C
#1546
12FEB21 #2
So I am unsure what the next step is for me to take
there is not even a fantasy of someone I would want
After more than a year alone I sure could use a break
though I would not want to make any decision that could haunt
Top
T o C
#1547
12FEB21 #3
Ten days ago I wrote of the change in the way I grieve
the next day in a dream I went into a river in my truck
Something fragile in my heart is just not ready to leave
yet when I look inside I cannot find anything that is stuck
I tried to give you all of me though some was not so good
but not once did you ever make me feel that I was not enough
And now that all wants to honor you as much as it should
trying to reach the level you deserve I find is really tough
Top
T o C
#1548
13FEB21
The Valentine challenges have begun in the multi-media sphere
the flowers from last week have not yet begun to fade
You are still my heart's one and only but that does make it lonely here
while my brain knows it has out lived all promises made
Top
T o C
#1549
14FEB21
It is Valentine's Day with my flowers and pictures of you
I have yet to decide if today I will walk out that door
How could I be sad with so many memories of love true
when piecing together love's puzzle is what this day is for
Top
T o C
#1550
14FEB21 #2
I remember so many Valentines when you were my girl
sneaking cards onto the ship so I could surprise you at sea
Oh to see your long golden blond hair on the dance floor in twirl
this was just another Valentine's Day where we could not be
Top
T o C
#1551
15FEB21
I asked for your help in the journal and you must know my need
I do not know how you learned to love so well but thank you much
Glad I got to the place where missing you does not make me bleed
although my heart is still reaching out for one more magic touch
Top
T o C
#1552
15FEB21 #2
I still park on my side of the driveway and sleep on my side of the bed
I do all of the dishes and laundry and pay somebody else to clean
Although you may be gone forever I cannot get you out of my head
but I don't mind at all because the memories of you are so serene
Top
T o C
#1553
16FEB21
I post a picture turn on your crystal and pick up my pen
I am not sure why I do any of the things that I do
The calendar says that over a year is how long it's been
my heart just knows that I woke up today and there is no you
Top
T o C
#1554
17FEB21
Tens days until the first jab of this vaccine that comes as two
and I so want to be in a full room of people your love did touch
Not sure it is something that the COVID rules will let us do
your family knows you would not like the masks and no hugging and such
I celebrated all year with pictures and poems and flowers
got more lights and fixed decorations and spent this whole year with my Queen
And I could not be more grateful for those minutes and hours
for all of the times that I spent crying or laughing or in between
Top
T o C
#1555
18FEB21
Originally this book was given four hundred numbers so I could heal
a younger more foolish me wondered if that was too much
Three-hundred and sixty-nine poems later I am just now learning how to feel
and trying to remember your laughter and loving touch
Top
T o C
#1556
18FEB21 #2
I remember getting up each morning to look at the cruise wall of fame
yet I cannot recall any kind of reasoning on why it should stop
I remember that my heart was on fire and you were my only flame
and rereading that card that said I would be perfect if I liked to shop
Top
T o C
#1557
19FEB21
In less than a month I will be prepping the gardens for spring
all I know for sure is that there will be more Dahlias this year
They all have your ashes and flower gardening is my thing
and with the colored lights it creates a joyous atmosphere
Top
T o C
#1558
19FEB21 #2
Was talking with Nancy at the end of the street
about all of your gardens and flowers and lights
This beautiful yard in your honor is so sweet
when at the end of the day I share all the sights
Top
T o C
#1559
20FEB21
Listening to Harry Nilsson on a Saturday morning without you
it has been so terribly long since I got to hold your hand
How can I let go when tears always begin to flow when I'm about to
here on the dance floor alone and skeletons make up the band
Top
T o C
#1560
20Feb21 #2
Sad songs may not be the way but old country would be no better
have to shovel and put a flatbed wagon together for Monday
Of course the very best songs always help to make the cheeks wetter
ambition seems harder to find when you have nothing to say
So the best I can do is continue with plans that we had made
buying more of the flowers and lights I think would make you smile
I have to be honest and say that parts of me wish you had stayed
looking forward to "sharing" the gardens with you for a while
Top
T o C
#1561
21FEB21
Just updated your volume of poetry with pictures and poems
gonna meet Jenn's new Golden Retriever at Benson's tomorrow
First week in the forties I'm thinking of solar lights and your gnomes
sitting here wishing you had some spring kisses that I could borrow
Top
T o C
#1562
22FEB21
The anniversary flowers are on the table
it is supposed to be in the fifties in a couple of days
It's meet Jenn's puppy and work down under if able
and get ready to move into the honor with flowers phase
Top
T o C
#1563
23FEB21
A whole lot has happened since I got off that ship last year
that long drive back from 'Jersey in an empty car
With half a cart of flowers while shopping alone in tear
was like moving at warp speed but not very far
Back to this house by God Dam that you made into a home
and those thirty totes of your things that I had packed
With a wizard hat I might look just like your old man gnome
that had to be glued when his hat fell off and cracked
Pretty sure your things cannot be made to forever last
just for today it is for added time I try
Now that all of the horrible firsts to be lived have passed
I am going to try a round without the cry
Top
T o C
#1564
24FEB21
About a month before the Mack will want me back
so this slow start after the spending freeze may not do
But it is so good to have chores instead of lack
all while I hold this life together without your glue
Top
T o C
#1565
25FEB21
Only ten months until Christmas and I am just starting to dig again
the goal of finishing up down under would not have happened without the pause
Weather this week has snow melting and me thinking of flower garden zen
and maybe with these renewed work efforts spring will bring a thinner Santa Clause
Top
T o C
#1566
25FEB21 #2
Getting ready to go under the house where more footings need to be dug
it seemed you had no concern for the things I was doing down there
If you had any worries apparently you swept them under the rug
you did not like that bow in the floor but mistakes like that were rare
I kept pulling out dump truck loads of dirt and balancing the house on blocks
you just seemed to think it was something a man should know how to do
Our life by God Dam was just preparation for opportunity knocks
and it seems my confidence in self was made up mostly of you
Top
T o C
#1567
25FEB21 #3
All that sitting around playing Pogo certainly softened me up a bit
but got the house jacked up between two sets of blocks and started to dig
Now I unwrap my knees put the lights on your crystal and take some time to sit
I know you were not my only reason but the part you took was big
Top
T o C
#1568
26FEB21
In two weeks it only hits freezing on two of the overnights
that probably trips the trigger and buds will cover the trees
Then I will have to go get peat moss and order your garden lights
and begin to weed and mulch in preperation for the bees
Top
T o C
#1569
26FEB21 #2
I almost thought I had convinced myself to take a day off today
though I made it under the house and got five wagon loads across the dam
But between Pogo and reading I think I have had enough of play
and if I ever want to finish the work here it is now time to jam
I try to convince myself I do not care but I know it's not true
we had a dream and you left it to me to see it through until the end
Learning to dream and working to make it happen is because of you
while planting your flowers by the water is how I am learning to mend
Top
T o C
#1570
27FEB21
Originally I had slotted only four hundred bouquets of verse
thinking that a year away was forever and everything would change
Sometimes it feels like touching you was yesterday and all is in reverse
it had never occured to me that loving you more would be the exchange
Top
T o C
#1571
28FEB21
So last year I got the massage table you said I should
was reaching for anything I thought would make your spirit smile
So far getting it out of the box feels like I'm doing good
I had no idea that moving on could take such a long while
Maybe just a trace of desire would help along the way
but the radiance that was you makes everything else pale
I think I could spend eternity celebrating our play
and I have practiced my whole life to use verse to tell our tale
Top
T o C
#1572
1MAR21
Thanks to the incompetent State of Massachusetts I get to sign your name again
if they decide they need your IDs I will have to call lawyer Bob for advice
And I certainly do not need government reminding me where on this path I've been
though using one of our
return labels on a letter to Josh was kind of nice
Just wanted him to know that if you were here you would be hoping his Dad all the best
you got to see Dalton with Alycia and Jenn with Josh before you had to go
All the love you gave your children will be used as they continue to guide all the rest
then they will grow up spreading the love that you gave them even if they do not know
Top
T o C
#1573
2MAR21
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you
how could my heart plagiarize an Isaak song from '89
I never dreamed that I'd live past where our love grew
or ever wake up to a world where you were no longer mine
Top
T o C
#1574
3MAR21
If I believe what I believe then in truth we have always been one
you left this horrible dream but you really did not go anywhere
We may have made many memories but only forgiveness was done
while we helped each other in Earth School to learn about loving and care
Top
T o C
#1575
4MAR21
Not sure if it is driven by thoughts of you but I can feel spring
it could be longer daylight or the snow that is starting to melt
As I sit before your lit up crystal and spin your wedding ring
wondering if it is my Phoenix sharing the things it has felt
Top
T o C
#1576
5MAR21
Still sharing your pictures on Facebook with family and friends
not sure when I come to the last if I will do a round two
My heart enjoys this time together though it never pretends
I can love you and send messages but our marriage is through
I will of course die knowing the wonderful gift that you gave
and eternally grateful for all of the ways that you tried
Would I be paying it backward if I found someone to save
or was it just an adventure and my cure came with the ride
Top
T o C
#1577
6MAR21
Came very close to falling into freezing water* on the dam
and I can just picture you shaking your head as you walk away
And I do want to thank you again for helping to make me the man that I am
for the memories from all of the years that you helped me to play
* yesterday
Top
T o C
#1578
7MAR21
You made everyday a loving adventure
always ready to greet me with your warming smile
No matter what I needed you were the quencher
may find joy without you but it will be a while
Top
T o C
#1579
8MAR21
Looking into my magic crystal to the day we tied the knot
how such a beautiful woman fell in love with me I shall never know
Guess we both just fell into the habit of giving more than we got
we both guarded our garden of love and did all we could to help it grow
Top
T o C
#1580
9MAR21
I do not miss the shambles I was in when we met
and I certainly did not know the joy that you would be
But just like you with your stories I should not forget
for the universe knows someone that they could help set free
Top
T o C
#1581
10MAY21
What an unbelievable gift your presence was for me
after four decades of abuse by others and myself
You showed me that joy and laughter came with maturity
you were my Mrs. Clause and my extraordinary elf
Top
T o C
#1582
11MAR21
It is almost time to get back into the dump truck
when free time is turned into garden prep
Growing flowers with some research and a lot of luck
but it does put a spring in my step
Time to see how the ornaments saved take the weather
and to learn how to mix peat moss with dirt
In a way remembering your lace with my leather
so at day's end we can share a dessert
Top
T o C
#1583
12MAR21
Will have to get mulch as I will be cleaning up your gardens soon
may put a new garden along the wall of the patio
I have to wonder if gardening is the new way I swoon
have to make room for the Dahlia migration from Mexico
Top
T o C
#1584
13MAR21
Riding the 'Wing without you I sure can see it needs a bath
I will always remember sixty-four-thousand; you were there
Guess two minus one is something I cannot do in heart math
could it just be part of the all in war and love that is fair
Top
T o C
#1585
14MAR21
Right here right now I am full of all of the love that you gave to me
and there is no better feeling that I have known
Right here right now there seems to be no future this lonely man can see
where he does not water the seeds of joy you've sown
Top
T o C
#1586
15MAR21
Wind is howling at less than twenty degrees I believe I will stay inside
another day at the computer in the front room to remember in the Mack
About to prepare to plant your gardens as a thank you for the awesome ride
maybe to replace some of the beauty lost because you are never coming back
Top
T o C
#1587
16MAR21
Just past the four hundredth number I gave to your book way back then
I was but a baby grieving and did not really know a thing
Not sure that I would be done if I wrote four hundred poems again
kind of like that Moody Blues song that I can never enough sing
Top
T o C
#1588
17MAR21
Trying to get you to switch from ham to corned beef showed me your set in ways
of course that first delightful mouthful showed me that you too could change
Maybe just lines in a chorus I remember as the song of life plays
as I play house in a building that now will forever seem strange
Top
T o C
#1589
18MAR21
Got peat moss for your gardens yesterday and now I must make more
to compensate for the increase in volume and your ashes being there
It seems I wander aimlessly and am surprised by all in store
and dig and plant and decorate a kingdom that is now forever bare
Top
T o C
#1590
19MAR21
Another winter that you helped me through and you are not even here
the gardens are not yet because I heard butterflies might be there
I think I like working in the yard because it makes you feel so near
all the flowers are my gratitude in the form of a living prayer
Top
T o C
#1591
20MAR21
Today is the actual first day of spring and I am going for compost at the farm
memories of your excitement bless this time of year as everything starts to turn green
Am looking forward to getting out your decorations and filling the yard with your charm
trying to make sure that I do everything so that the gardens are fit for a queen
Top
T o C
#1592
21MAR21
The last day before getting back in the Mack and I scramble to be ready
it was a crazy lonely winter but I somehow got a lot of things done
I think it is mostly days like today that make me miss your calm and steady
but what happens now does not matter because of you I have already won
Top
T o C
#1593
22MAR21
Today is the start of a new season in the dump truck
another year you will not be sleeping as I go
Another year in the yard with flowers and weeds to pluck
another year thankful for the love I got to know
Top
T o C
#1594
23MAR21
Early in the morning it feels you really could be sleeping in the other room
and I imagine you seeing the flowers on the table with your approving smile
Oh there is a certain warmth in the sadness of being an empty-handed groom
but I have whittled it down to where I get to share these flowers with you for a while
Top
T o C
#1595
24MAR21
I spent my life preparing to honor you with this verse
and building a mountain of damage for your love to repair
Surely now the scales have been loaded to fall on curse
yet happily because forever your memory is there
Top
T o C
#1596
25MAR21
A lot of our
journal is about gardens for now
being amidst design and building keeps it on the mind
Planting flowers lets my heart still be in love some how
it is just me alone in the garden but love is blind
Top
T o C
#1597
26MAR21
Every bit of green reminds me of the joy you found in spring
every flower I plant is an echo of my love for you
Without this hope that you helped me grow I would never do a thing
because of the love you shared with me everything is new
Top
T o C
#1598
27MAR21
Oh, you would so love this year's new Dahlia selection
the garden wall I am not so sure but the raised bed is good
Just getting ready to garden shows your reflection
and with this act of celebration you are more understood
Top
T o C
#1599
28MAR21
So there was a vaccination nurse who made me think you were there
posted a poem about you being my swan and there were three when I got back
You gave so much that even your loss has left me with more than fair
but I could have used your help getting through this past year because it was so whack
Top
T o C
#1600
29MAR21
Andy and I went to Murphy's for lunch yesterday without you
it may have been five months since the last time by now
I say without you like you do not haunt everything I do
as if I could get my heart back from you somehow
Top
T o C
#1601
30MAR21
It is hard to believe that fourteen months ago I thought four-hundred poems might be too many
apparently my heart has an endless amount of things that it would so like to say to you
I guess there are reasons one should move on after a loss but I do not understand any
yet at the same time I am learning how to flower garden and ways to decorate anew
Top
T o C
#1602
31MAR21
Hoping for a few more Saturdays off so I can get the gardens ready
just ordered markers on Amazon so I can remember which plant is which
With a new recipe for soil I am learning not too fast but steady
and I can picture me an old man with gardens of Dahlias and feeling rich
Top
T o C
#1603
1APR21
It is April and I think of all your yard decorations while the rain falls
and I wonder how the epoxy will weather the seasons on the ones I fixed
With another around the clothesline it's now a kingdom of assorted walls
here I am trying to decide how this new plethora of flowers should be mixed
Somehow this heart has given me a way to honor you and enjoy alone
at the same time inadvertently I am learning the magic of mother earth
In truth I am simply taking your hobby and with love making it my own
so that with the sorrow of your passing there might be this wonder of a rebirth
Top
T o C
#1604
2APR21
Two birds with one stone yesterday filling behind the new wall with tailings piles
still waiting to see if spreading seed and compost in early spring really works
Remembering the springs you spent here in our kingdom on the pond with those smiles
missing the splendid joys of our teamwork and the motivation of its quirks
Top
T o C
#1605
2APR21 #2
You would not be happy with the way the door sticks after I jacked up the back room
although I think that a step toward replacing the back door might just outweigh your grief
It is a good thing you taught me not to go at everything as doom and gloom
or I might have gone for the saws and hacked the door beyond reasonable belief
I may not even be aware of the times in a day that your lead helps me out
nor could I tell you how many different things bring memories of you to mind
Sometimes it seems that tending your gardens is the only thing I do without doubt
it seems there is no part of me that is not with you eternally intertwined
Top
T o C
#1606
3APR21
So psyched to be cleaning the gardens this weekend for you
not sure if the decorations will go out but a truck load of mulch is listed
And I know that I will have to be the inspector too
just like when your body was here you were inside but with your love you assisted
Top
T o C
#1607
4APR21
Easter just is not the same without you and your happiness here
but Andy and I are going to see the puppies Jenn and Josh got
So I got a colorful bouquet with an egg to add some cheer
and will try with the love that is there to cover the love that is not
Top
T o C
#1608
5APR21
Easter slipped by without you again
though the girls got the jewelry you intended
Your absence turned ache from the throb then
it is crazy how far your shadow extended
Top
T o C
#1609
6APR21
If I knew all the years of practice were so I could write odes to you
I may have taken my writing more seriously or even gone back to school
Now I am but left with a ritual I failingly try to do
though I may not have survived losing my Queen had I not had this comforting tool
Top
T o C
#1610
7APR21
I have a trash barrel full of new soil I can hardly wait to try
some walkway lanterns and butterflies to add to last year's solar lights
I have epoxy cured
decorations beside the flowers to lie
and dreams of sentimental journeys instead of last year's lonely nights
Top
T o C
#1611
8APR21
Our house
seems to be what makes this feel like home
before the crystal beneath the bouquet of flowers is where I belong
For years I've tried to pour life into a poem
and now every morning my heart cries out to you as if in a song
Like beauty and the beast is me and my ghost
like now Mother Earth is my Queen and the flowers are love that I grow
Echoes of love are dignitaries I host
each blossom is some new discovery about your love that I now know
Top
T o C
#1612
9APR21
Got a picture of your daffodils blooming after work yesterday
unlike your
Dahlias those are flowers you actually planted for me
I am beginning to see with hit or miss that gardens are for play
that working them is missing and honoring you while I simply be
Top
T o C
#1613
10APR21
All excited about cleaning the gardens and putting out the solar lights
sitting with last week's Easter bouquet and my LED crystal of you
With a slew of new seeds and tubers to fill the yard with fall and summer sights
the marriage is over but still you are part of all of the things I do
Top
T o C
#1614
11APR21
Got most of the gardens cleaned yesterday but went to bed sore
today I might just fill yard pots with the new recipe soil
Up to fifty assorted solar lights but I just want more
and am learning the aesthetic therapy of all this toil
Top
T o C
#1615
12APR21
You certainly left me with lots of garden chores to do
suppose my flair for grand has added to them a bit
It is such a constructive way of remembering you
and must say it excites me to see the kingdom lit
Excitement is something that disappeared for quite some time
did not think these roots and bulbs and seeds would bring it back
What joy I find doing the garden dance for you in mime
the fact that it pays off with beauty like yours is whack
Top
T o C
#1616
13APR21
I sometimes wonder if I have long enough to realize the impact you made
as I begin to think grieving no longer describes the way that I feel
Would even a lifetime of honor guarantee that no debt was left unpaid
planning and planting flowers with thoughts of you for me right now is most real
Top
T o C
#1617
14APR21
Found myself taking more pictures of the Daffodils you planted
put a reminder in my phone to plant more next spring
So I am just beginning to experiences pleasures granted
and you are still teaching me to listen to life sing
Top
T o C
#1618
15APR21
The crazy of the season is now upon me
Thursday morning over time so tired and it is but spring
Remembering the days of us and what could be
if I am quiet I can hear your love of this season sing
Maybe the gardens and flowers make it more real
maybe the echo of your excitement is what I look for
Maybe a boy playing in the dirt is the deal
not sure I need definitions just to experience more
Top
T o C
#1619
16APR21
Just over forty-five hours in four days so far this week
a rain day was gladly accepted but not sure about heavy snow
And this is what I expect out of the season at its peak
another reason to be thankful for all the ways you helped me grow
That collapsed lung made it easier to think you'd live longer
and maybe you acting so tough helped me to believe that it was true
Sitting in the echo of us working to make love stronger
again I am reminded of how lucky I was to be with you
Top
T o C
#1620
17APR21
So I guess I could have used a few more years of your training
cuz I cut my thumb wide open with a razor knife last night
I have not reached the end of tears but it seems I am gaining
of all feelings since your passing it is grateful that seems right
Top
T o C
#1621
18APR21
Probably going to go out to eat with Andy when we get his car
what a beautiful gift of memories the whole Sunday habit became
Not sure where eternity is but sometimes it seems it's not very far
though the scent of your spirit and your arms wrapped around me are not the same
Top
T o C
#1622
19APR21
Not sure I know what I am missing thinking of you but sure I do not care
gardens and flowers and edging and dreams of watering after long days
The new Dahlias should make the yard beautiful but nothing like when you were there
and I try to incorporate things you would do into my lonely ways
COVID-19 seems to have withdrawn its fangs but many have not yet come out
Andy and I went to Puritan's without Jenn and Josh just yesterday
Maybe a July life celebration can show me what it is all about
even though I feel quite fulfilled as I celebrate you in my own way
Top
T o C
#1623
20APR21
There seems to be an endless amount of work one can do to a yard
it is a good thing when one does not want to sit still too long
With hands in the dirt while dreaming of flowers it inspires the bard
bringing to the kingdom on the water its cheerful spring song
Top
T o C
#1624
21APR21
Spring means so much more when I have to make ready gardens for the Queen
and sticking to the redneck motif seems to be something you enjoyed
Remembering your palpable joy as the world begins to turn green
somehow planting and watering flowers softens the pain of this void
Top
T o C
#1625
22APR21
Trying to realize Sunday is just another day along the way
two years ago it was the big seven-oh and friends came from afar
It would have been your birthday and poems get a new journal in which to play
and I remain stuck in this dream just wondering if and where you are
Top
T o C
#1626
23APR21
Dillan's birthday is today and I sent wishes and a Bass Pro Shop card
maybe we can have a cookout when the weather stops its flux
The shadow of your presence paints the family picture as our avant-garde
for we all know it is your love that is this family's crux
Top
T o C
#1627
24APR21
The Robin Williams movie quotes brought me to tears this morning
reminded me of sitting in ICU holding your hand
I am still recovering from that exit without warning
but as far as love goes I am beginning to understand
Top
T o C
#1628
25APR21
Happy birthday Baby Gyrl if it still matters to you
there is not a day I am not grateful for the love you gave
Oh I notice the affect you have on all that I do
each memory of the love you left is another goodbye wave
Top
T o C
#1629
26APR21
There was a group birthday text party for you
remembering how happy you were at the last party we had
I forever remember what you would do
how you set fire to all of my days with your joyous and glad
Top
T o C
#1630
27APR21
I can feel the long forgotten sense of excitement as garden season nears
not sure why I said I would put your ashes there but you quickly agreed
Maybe watering flowers is a metaphor for all the shedding of tears
and just maybe loving action is all that can stop a severed heart's bleed
Top
T o C
#1631
28APR21
You have been gone so long it no longer feels like sleeping on nails
and maybe The Queen's gardens is just something I say about here
Oh I know that I am on a dock where our ship no longer sails
but the time we spent doing what we did is the time that seems most dear
Top
T o C
#1632
29APR21
A couple days from using the new soil recipe with all these seeds
it was a very long winter without you but spring has brought your cheer
Of course the sunshine and the showers have caused an explosion of the weeds
and poor memory keeps me wondering what flowers next will appear
Top
T o C
#1633
30APR21
Hopefully May Day will be the start of seedlings and flowers to come
still work for Bob so it will probably be after time in the Mack
So the plan is with questions and research to develope a green thumb
there is of course the hope for a garden you think is totally whack
Top
T o C
#1634
1MAY21
Claudia does not want her rose bush so I guess it dies here
how many did Dan get you that we could not make grow
I will put it on the dam where flowers seem to die each year
the garden that gets the most work but has the least show
Top
T o C
#1635
2MAY21
I remember how happy you were to hang the clothes on the line
it is actually what got me to throw the sheets in the wash today
Saving a worn quilt is another duty that has become mine
do not want to replace anything that was yours but may have to someday
Slowly the lesson is being learned that all that matters is heart
and things are just things that we put meaning upon but they were meant to pass
So I guess that the whole goal is to feel without falling apart
and the heart does not become some glacier with you lost in a deep crevasse
Top
T o C
#1636
3MAY21
I think I like work days because it is still the same
you were always asleep while I read and wrote in my books
So it was sort of a safe haven when the end came
time I always
spent alone so loneliness has no hooks
Top
T o C
#1637
4MAY21
Why would I want to move on when there is love in honoring you
and some days even a revelation of what with love you taught
Hindsight is twenty twenty so there is honor in what I do
and many of the joys I find are profits from what you bought
Top
T o C
#1638
5MAY21
Finally got a rain day so I can take a nap or two
got a dozen more lights from Amazon so the gardens look great
I guess I need to ask myself how loud
I should honor you
or is a garden the space station can see a matter of fate
Top
T o C
#1639
6MAY21
This melodramatic sensation life caused on the cold other side of us
must be what others tell me to move on from but I cannot break the grip
Helping me become a man strong enough to say goodbye most surely was a plus
but I was leaning so hard that I stumble forward trying not to trip
Top
T o C
#1640
7MAY21
Have one hundred bricks to stand on end as garden borders
have one-hundred and forty-four seedlings that I need to plant
Hindsight says extremism is one of my disorders
though years of teaching have revealed I should not listen to can't
Another Mothers' Day on Sunday with the kids alone
I have a call to plan the holiday weekend coming soon
Wanting only to recall the decades of love shown
and maybe just one more minute of being the little spoon
Top
T o C
#1641
8MAY21
Fifty-four seedlings have sprouted and are awaiting their pots
of course the Mack is calling and it is paper that turns the wheels
Just now I realize that I forgot the forget-me-nots
guess the assortment of bleeding hearts just got me in the feels
Top
T o C
#1642
9MAY21
Back before the plague birthdays meant the family got together
to have cake and ice cream or a cookout or party like your last
This year it's Jenn and Josh's and it looks like weather
my heart would love you there but my mind knows that chance of that has passed
The pictures don't bring you closer and the verse may be for naught
but the habits my heart finds comforting like flowers in the yard
Memories that decorate each day are gems that our love bought
just like you I do what needs to be done but some days that is hard
Top
T o C
#1643
10MAY21
Another Mother's Day slides by without the family matriarch
or should I say another plague inspired separate one with the new
It's like your passing and this virus put the family in the dark
and work of course is so very busy I don't know what to do
Top
T o C
#1644
11MAY21
Coming to the full realization that I do not write to you
was a little hard and cold as I put the journal away
So all of these poems and journal entries are just something that I do
and though your echo is loud it is all from another day
So I guess this feeling of being in love has always been just mine
even when you were here the romance was all just in my heart
But I could see you felt it too so where do we really draw the line
for me it is ever grateful that so well you played your part
Top
T o C
#1645
12MAY21
I am such a creature of habit and my pen ran out of Gel!
had to scramble through Amazon options to find quicker delivery
There are some days I sure could use your if it was meant to be
spell
and there are days I could use more when tears run and my heart is quivery
Top
T o C
#1646
13MAY21
It was so important to pot the new seedlings that I stayed up late
maybe the desire to honor your memory has helped me to find my drive
I do believe that it would be a very ironic twist of fate
if poems about how you once loved me is how I learned better to be alive
Top
T o C
#1647
14MAY21
Bob forgot to put me on the schedule and I just HAD to call
another day for prepping the gardens would have been very nice
I can't see how keeping the Queen's gardens
can be bad for me at all
but maybe those on the other side of grief better see the price
If eternal is part of the scheme of things then you are not far gone
an overview of my life puts you as an angel in disguise
I certainly would not want to stop honoring you as I move on
and maybe the beautiful flowers are a self love exercise
Top
T o C
#1648
15MAY21
So I bought a Subaru yesterday thinking of you
have four vanity plates so maybe I should get one more
Some folks might not like SHEDIED
so I guess that just won't do
just owning a Forester shows I never know the score
The way you admired Lauren's is what closed the deal
or it being at Phillip's where I bought the red truck from
Though MYQUEEN
or HOTMEME
would certainly make it real
down the road it might just be a fraction of total sum
ANEWSL8
could remind me that the future holds much more
GHOSTED
might best explain the way I feel deep in my heart
MISSYOU
could be the Ouija message always out on tour
HALFMAN
might be the most honest was to explain my part
(IMISS-U
was what I got...)
Top
T o C
#1649
16MAY21
Finally got my first sixty hour week at work and I am wiped
almost looks like I cannot get the gardens planted but I will
Your gardens were for ashes and therapy and now they get me hyped
the overwhelming part is because I am building them still
The wall along the clothesline and the brick borders take a lot of time
the new softer soil
means screening and mixing and digging holes
I love kneeling on your gardening pad while I do my work in mime
somehow from winter plan to autumn bloom the whole of it consoles
Top
T o C
#1650
17MAY21
Finished edging around the clothesline garden yesterday in the heat
surprised I got that done as there was so much in a day to do
I went to bed without making lunch snacks feeling accomplished and beat
guess I can get a lot done without that hug and kiss from you
Top
T o C
#1651
18MAY21
Forgot both phones in the dump truck last night
did not even realize it until I was almost home
Not posting your picture does not feel right
but I'm free for a moment from the multimedia dome
I cannot forget but can I move on
the clock has been ticking and there have been changes being made
But mostly inside echos of your gone
even when I am remembering the times that we had played
Top
T o C
#1652
19MAY21
Adding watering the gardens daily to the sixty hour weeks is tough
and I can see that next year the clean and weed needs to be done by May
Watching one more rose bush planted in our kingdom is a little bit rough
but maybe forget-me-nots and bleeding hearts were meant to be the way
Two of the four shrubs we planted across the dam are really starting to grow
and I still feed the birds who place their thank yous on the picnic table
This outliving the love of your life is a fairly hard thing to get to know
yet somehow finding the love of your life leaves you willing and able
Top
T o C
#1653
20MAY21
I wrote a check to the town for all the registrations due
have to head up to Chichester tonight to pick up the truck
But it is junk so I'll need another then the Subaru
the list of possible vanity plates leaves it all to luck
I had the hardest time surviving until it came to you
and sixteen months later I have no idea what brought such change
All I know is that I am empty and the world is new
and that once living my life with you would have seemed very strange
Top
T o C
#1654
21MAY21
The pickup holds memories of us together so it sucks to see it go
I suppose the heart is the treasure chest and there there is no time
In the final analysis it is the love that you let me get to know
the adventures that gave our beautiful life its rhythm and rhyme
Top
T o C
#1655
22MAY21
I am hoping to test drive a Tundra today and I can feel your smile
a couple more weeks with the Chevy and another vehicle we shared is gone
I turn on your crystal and realize I have not cried in a while
so I guess whether we do it on purpose or hold every thread we move on
Rathers and wishes don't mean very much when life has decided it's time
but this pandemic isolation has certainly had an affect on my brain
The tick of the clock carries you farther away and it should be a crime
it is not without sadness I realize that I have gotten used to the pain
Top
T o C
#1656
23MAY21
I started planting seedlings yesterday because they were wilting on the porch
it is good to know that the nursery is right down the street if I need
So I guess the gardens are my way of continuing to carry the torch
and maybe to dig in your ashes so I no longer have to bleed
Pandemic pricing and capitalistic insanity have changed my ways
if I could wish I would wish that you could come with me to look at new trucks
Sixteen months later I try to field what life throws me but mostly still in daze
I want to be better but I am just different and grief is in flux
Top
T o C
#1657
24MAY21
So it is long gone from you but I got the truck I wanted
in the journal I just wrote about taking your crystal for a ride
I do not think I could have dreamt of any better haunted
just like I could not have even fantasized about a better bride
Top
T o C
#1658
25MAY21
A bit of unforeseen work for the Caddy and getting the last bike
with Monday at thirteen plus hours and two registrations to go
Looks like a day for pedaling because it is too long of a hike
I am sure you would have liked the bicycle idea some years ago
You spent much life caring for me but there was dread in giving a ride
would rather have asked for a kidney than help in picking up a car
Just two one hour trips for four thousand dollars and you almost cried
but that Goldwing you bought and sold me took us on adventures so far
Sixteen months ago holding your hand while you stopped breathing was the worst
but I have now gotten to where I can think of it dry-eyed somehow
Where I see it as an intimate blessing instead of being cursed
but oh how my heart longs to just hold your hand for a minute more now!!!
Top
T o C
#1659
26MAY21
Might need some grow lights in The God Dam Cigar Room next year
and maybe drowning the seeds is not the best idea
So it's off to the nursery for flowers and their cheer
or maybe I need to study more about Gaea
I love the perennials you left and keep adding more
the annuals I buy are certainly worth every cent
So generations past and coming help the gardens soar
a combined effort for beauty the way it was meant
Top
T o C
#1660
27MAY21
I cannot believe that this crazy COVID world led to following your advice
if I had listened sooner I could have memories of you in the new truck
I will take it to Countrybrook to get more of your flowers and that will be nice
the fact that hindsight is twenty-twenty just seems to be a stroke of good luck
Top
T o C
#1661
28MAY21
Sixteen long months ago you left and this is the first trip back to Maine
I suppose that part of the gift of grieving is that it slowed things down
The isolation of this pandemic made so intimate the pain
but the c'est la vie
of your daily practice is what saved me from drown
This long look at the fairy tale you made me sure has helped me to see
and still I have no clue how you helped me to be this much better man
Something tells me it was the purity of your love that set me free
and so now I will honor that memory for as long as I can
Top
T o C
#1662
29MAY21
Can I possibly end this leg of my journey with just three-hundred-and-thirty more poems
clearly I can remember lying in bed on day one with no idea what to do
Had I forever I am sure I could honor you with an infinite number of tomes
maybe after this volume I could write All My Good Memories Of Marriage To You
Top
T o C
#1663
30MAY21
I may have written a gentler ending to our fairy tale
but I could not have invented any more perfect a Queen
From Caribbean adventures to the magic of the monorail
with countless kisses on trains planes buses and in between
The echo of giggles to your own antics stills warms me now
and I cannot experience spring without feeling your touch
It seems the cut flowers and gardens have become mine somehow
but with every beat of my heart I miss you just as much
Top
T o C
#1664
31MAY21
A cousin passed away on Friday and I do not know what to say
but when I found out I asked you to say hi
to Rob for me
I guess we can grieve together but alone we find the price to pay
so does the release from this matrix really set someone free
For all I know you are just one of many who are helping me now
maybe I dreamed you into existence before I was born
There are some days I want someone to tell me what I should do and how
then days like today when I celebrate by planting flowers in mourn
Top
T o C
#1665
1JUN21
I wrote twenty
after the date today I guess the past is calling
spent yesterday afternoon planting Dahlias fit for a Queen
I searched my whole life for your love and I think that I am still falling
not stuck or moving on just comfortable in the between
Top
T o C
#1666
2JUN21
I do not know what it means to move on from this loss
it would appear that nothing will change the fact that my angel is gone
The simple truth that I remain seems to be my cross
for now my heart enjoys remembering each day before the dawn
Then I leave to carry out the tasks assigned to me
trying to prepare for my latter days because it seems correct
Even bought that
truck just the way you said it should be
but without my Baby here with me it seems I cannot connect
Top
T o C
#1667
3JUN21
Masks were optional at the wake last night
I do not recall seeing a guest that was wearing one
Maybe your celebration's time is right
and maybe my hesitation was in seeing it done
Maybe it is a nonstarter for me
because I am celebrating your life in all I do
In all the little details you would see
the whole of this life I am living is because of you
Top
T o C
#1668
4JUN21
Yesterday morning I settled for IMISS-U
as a Subaru plate
the woman at the counter lost her husband seven years ago
The fact that GHOSTED had already been taken just seemed a stroke of fate
and there was comfort in remembering that other people know
I suppose that no matter how long I might live this plate will still be true
and no amount of time can fade the miracle your love gave me
Just had made business cards of the website so Peter could read poems to you
so I passed one to her and felt all was just the way it should be
Top
T o C
#1669
5JUN21
Got a surprise Saturday off and it is going to be HOT
week two of inspecting the Caddy at the garage of a friend
So today I am going to give toting up clutter a shot
because here at the season's beginning I am afraid of the end
I also need to go get the Chevy that Ken said he would buy
makes up for having a day off so I will just call it a win
I was going to give it away but I am still not sure why
I have been looking for an end when maybe I need to begin
Begin to be grateful for all of the ways that you helped me grow
begin to be happy with this home that you showed me how to build
Begin to release the way of loving that you taught me to know
begin to look for painfully empty hearts that need to be filled
Top
T o C
#1670
6JUN21
Buying new vehicles and living with old habits has completely made a mess
so I must go through the entire house and decide what I really need
I have stacks of mail all over the place because some has your name with our address
and owl decorations where you left them cuz moving might make me bleed
Today might be a great day to start because Ken is coming to buy the old truck
maybe goodbyes are far overdue and this is just the step I must take
Maybe the clutter is the sign that I need to show me just how much I am stuck
and just maybe it is simply the time for some of my habits to break
Top
T o C
#1671
7JUN21
Jenn made me a little birthday book so I do not forget
of course in order for it to work it must be read
I'm still learning to live without you but I am not there yet
today is too much without even looking ahead
Top
T o C
#1672
7JUN21 #2
Started to pick up the clutter that started before this work season
also forgot to get flowers when I went shopping yesterday
It don't appear so but I guess every action has a reason
suppose I should have known all along that no phase of this can stay
Top
T o C
#1673
8JUN21
Yesterday I asked Debbie at St. Mary's on a date
there was no twinge of guilt and it did not make me miss you less
Is it a straw on the camel's back or just more on my plate
of course I want the comfort of know while in this land of guess
Top
T o C
#1674
9JUN21
It never crossed my mind that maybe you were healed by us too
or were at the same loss of words that last look before you went
Those whole six days will hover like some ghost forever in blue
while I try not to go crazy wondering what that look meant
Top
T o C
#1675
10JUN21
Long hot days in the Mack and carrying pails of water from the pond
big truck payments and Caddilac problems learning to live alone
Oh I sometimes get the urge to be able to wave a magic wand
but you showed me that work and not magic is how future is grown
Would a prayer to the universe for a ghostly visit be okay
I no longer have the desire to break any of the rules
In the quiet of this lonely kingdom with your crystal starts my day
and sometimes I am a beggar with wishes rich with the gold of fools
Top
T o C
#1676
11JUN21
Have to register and inspect my truck and head up to lake Winnipesaukee
often I find myself doing things that even then I did without you
Although it was worth each missing cent the paycheck from last week just seems to mock me
taking two days this week may not be a brilliant finacial thing to do
It was you who taught me the importance of taking the time to take vacation
then you gave me a treasure trove of memories of vacations we took
Guess my job now is to continue to build upon that loving foundation
obviously it is quite strong because this last year it really got shook!
Top
T o C
#1677
12JUN21
First time up on the lake with the guys and no one waiting for me
but it does not hurt like so many of the firsts along this way
I think I am still quite a long ways from knowing how I should be
but thanking God for the years I spent with you is mostly how I pray
Top
T o C
#1678
13JUN21
Aunt Naida has more bulbs and tubers for the gardens you gave to me
some sound great for all the new garden
from winter digging across the dam
It is now so nice to have childhood heroes teaching me how to be
along with all these lessons from you while I learn to become who I am
Top
T o C
#1679
14JUN21
It seemed to take forever
for the echo of the ICU to go away
and it was only five days out of the nearly seven thousand that we had
Of course back here in reality once again it is just simply today
and today I can look back at the fairy tale that you made real and be glad
Top
T o C
#1680
14JUN21 #2
I do not think there is a single part of me that wants to say goodbye
there probably has never been a mooter point you left so long ago
Week number two with no cut flowers I guess I am giving it a try
there were thirty-eight years before you but living without you I don't know
Top
T o C
#1681
15JUN21
I now have a Tundra and Forrester by surprise and mistake
a Caddilac and two bikes with memories of riding with you
Maybe I was sleepwalking last year but today I feel awake
grateful for all the things you did that helped me to get through
Top
T o C
#1682
16JUN21
Found a wind chime I bought for the yard that I think you would like
once it's outside will you come listen to it at night with the lights
There is a chord in my heart as a harp I wish you would strike
to add to the sonatas of your love that get me through these nights
Top
T o C
#1683
17JUN21
Father's Day is coming up on Sunday so I get to see Josh and Jenn
so glad one option included them bringing pizza to share by the pond
Your Mother's Day picnic table will be tied together with now and then
as if you are still watching over us with your love and that magic wand
Top
T o C
#1684
18JUN21
Quickly spring has passed and the gardens are not yet done
seventeen months later I am still in over my head
The days are long over where you and I walk as one
my heart is learning to replace with gratitude the dread
Top
T o C
#1685
19JUN21
I let myself dream of you sitting in the new Tundra with a great big smile
and I realize the joy you found in celebrating the good things I did for me
Deb thought it was a gift I deserved so I listened it just took me a while
hope I have not been making you wait for me to set you free
Top
T o C
#1686
20JUN21
It seems that the pandemic pushed past a life celebration
each day I have tried to honor you and the love that helped me heal
Goodbye started long ago with that call for your cremation
thanksgiving gardening and gratitude seem now to be the deal
Top
T o C
#1687
21JUN21
Not sure you would have ridden with Jenn in the truck
but it was not scary like the mini van at all
Got more flowers from Naida to get me unstuck
a box of lilies and one of dahlias for this fall
One of Jenn's gnomes needs a flower planted in back
and there are dozens of annuals just down the street
This year is just different without any lack
and if I keep working it will soon be complete
Top
T o C
#1688
22JUN21
Five hundred poems later my skin is starving for your touch
on a planet of seven billion only I miss you this way
Back in the trauma I did not know I could love so much
and I am so grateful for the instant that our spirits got to play
Top
T o C
#1689
23JUN21
I held your hand as your body shut down
and it seems that the best of my life disappeared
What of habits of adjusting your crown
and nightmares of those horrible memories seared
The ironic of wishing to grow up
meets the wishing to never have to say goodbye
Begins with drinking this most bitter cup
morphing into the gracious of time not to cry
Top
T o C
#1690
24JUN21
I will say it is only six months till Christmas Eve and imagine the roll of your eyes
twice this has happened since you gave me your ring though the last time was foggy at best
Though my heart has become a little bit warmer and a lot less flamboyant as it cries
it whispers in the dark telling me I will never put your memory to rest
Top
T o C
#1691
25JUN21
Six months until Christmas and it is just not the same alone
I think you would love all the gnomes that Jenn got for Father's Day
All with big white beards like the one you left to match one I've grown
so I can think of her and you when I go outside to play
Top
T o C
#1692
26JUN21
Had to use pliers to get "your" earring out last night
maybe soap and shampoo welded it together over time
Not sure where the spare is but I think I am alright
here in this new now where good memories of you constantly chime
Top
T o C
#1693
27JUN21
The border Dahlias in your tiny wine glass are beginning to fade
there is one more out on the dam I may have to cut
I might end up the old man at the street's end with the gardens he made
"if it's meant to be" is what I feel deep in my gut
Top
T o C
#1694
28JUN21
June ends in two days and the gardens are lacking
though there is a border Dahlia in a small wine glass beside you
Trying hard to get it all done but am slacking
like I am trying to find joy in the little things but I am blue
Top
T o C
#1695
29JUN21
Have to leave for work at four this morning what a drag
high in the nineties and humid might just be the reason why
Just go to work and get it done with this heatwave lag
and ponder how ironic it is to be sad I don't cry
Top
T o C
#1696
30JUN21
Thirty-eight times I went through June without you then we "met"
then nineteen times it passed in service to my Queen
I know that we built memories that I will never forget
but maybe I should end this mourning quarantine
Top
T o C
#1697
1JUL21
I look at the cake topper from our "wedding" day
and remember that I am a lucky man
the end of our story is the rebeginning of mine
and you helped to make me able to stand
You showed me a sense of adventure and play
are two of the most important parts of the plan
but I am finding that it is much more arduous
to achieve without you here holding my hand
Top
T o C
#1698
2JUL21
For almost two decades I spent time in the kitchen as you slept
sometimes it still feels like that and you have been gone for so long
It was six days of such a hard goodbye that I openly wept
but there are thousands of memories of love that make me strong
Top
T o C
#1699
3JUL21
Maybe I thought there was a rip in my heart that only time could heal
but I am beginning to see it is a void with which I must learn to live
So running on empty is not just a song it is part of the deal
and the love we got from those who are now gone is all that we have left to give
Top
T o C
#1700
4JUL21
I got cards for Dalton and Alexis and gift cards maybe today
flowers to plant and tubers to pot and Aunt Naida has more
Schedules did not allow for another trip to Maine yesterday
but a nap day unexpected was what I needed for sure
Top
T o C
#1701
5JUL21
I feel so far behind but most of the flowers are in the ground
reading Gardening for Dummies is top of the list before next spring
Did not know that ashes in the gardens was a gift to be found
or that finding my green thumb was ever going to be my thing
Top
T o C
#1702
6JUL21
Because we spoke so little about this I do not know what you left
but I can feel in my heart the "flowers" of love you helped to grow
Just now I am finding the grace to bear the raw of our parting's heft
and gratitude for the loving woman you let me get to know
Top
T o C
#1703
7JUL21
Waiting to be rocked by this hurricane that is coming
bring it on now seems to be the only way that I feel
Maybe the hoopla of life has just become so numbing
that finally I have found that love is all that is real
Top
T o C
#1704
8JUL21
It started with some ashes that I burried in the ground
the funeral home told me that it was all that was left of you
We had them split five ways so we each could spread them around
but the invisible parts that you left us are so much more true
Top
T o C
#1705
9JUL21
Over five-hundred poems into missing you and I cannot articulate what I feel
I have moved on for almost eighteen months but here I am sitting at home
Another year in the Mack and flowers on the pond now seem to be just part of the deal
using epoxy and glue to save yard decorations and old man gnome
Decisions aren't final though vows have an end so I gave your book room for four hundred more
what's a couple of years when it comes to mourning to send sorrow away
So I do what needs to be done the way that you showed me while waiting for what is in store
and I am fairly certain that I shall die with still more respects to pay
Top
T o C
#1706
10JUL21
I think you met Elijah who tomorrow will find out he has a surprise Jack and Jill
almost ten years ago we met and have been growing in the same direction since
Even if you had stayed a few more years I would be going to this party alone still
I learned to choose my battles wisely with your almost impossible to convince
This does cancel bike ride Sunday where I remember all of the rides and the fun we had
last week's coffee at the crossroads in Auburn I wondered how often you were there
Ever so slowly such warm feelings have come to replace all the memories that were sad
but I find the most valuable gems are the ones that only you and I share
Top
T o C
#1707
11JUL21
So I really do not know if I have dragged this out or if it has dragged me
but in nine days it will have been eighteen months since that worst week ever
Although there were decades before you without you I do not know how to be
maybe I am still not ready but I know better than say never
Top
T o C
#1708
12JUL21
So I went to the pool party and listened to myself talk about you
maybe at someone's Jack and Jill there are happier subjects I could discuss
Is it simply my own self-centered that has caused so much of this ado
should I ask more questions so instead of it being about me it is us
Top
T o C
#1709
13JUL21
Wrote "Bye bye Baby" in the journal yesterday and thought I might be done
but I woke up this morning and you are still the part of me that is gone
I remember nineteen years of love and loving and I remember fun
almost like a whisper I hear your "if it was meant to be" and move on
Top
T o C
#1710
14JUL21
I found hundreds of pictures of you by mistake in my phone
kind of crazy when our first T. V.s were in just black and white
But do all these pictures just increase the feeling of alone
how without technology would I still have you in my sight
Top
T o C
#1711
15JUL21
You never wanted to talk of retiring or getting old and such
I guess in the end it would lead to this and I can understand why
But right now I could use a memory of us talking like that so much
if there is anything that you need write it in clouds upon the sky
Top
T o C
#1712
16JUL21
Got a red blossom from a second Border Dahlia in the martini glass
it seems that the joys of gardening are something you wanted me to learn
And I remember you each second that it takes for these summer days to pass
although those "forever" pains of that sudden goodbye no longer seem to burn
Top
T o C
#1713
17JUL21
Another Saturday in the Mack to distract me from a lack of Queen
and the Caddy needs a battery and there is laundry to be done
I guess I would not have traded the good for these sections that are obscene
and somehow I need to learn how beyond you that I can still have fun
Top
T o C
#1714
18JUL21
I think you would love this Border Dahlia blossom of yellow and red
just one of the many blessings all this gardening has given to me
Not sure I like living with you only in my heart and head
but I remember you saying that if it was meant to be it will be
Top
T o C
#1715
19JUL21
The booster pack started the Caddy and I put a new battery in
that was after the torrential rains that the gutters diverted quite well
I got soaked in my bathrobe while checking but it was dry when I came in
I think I am doing okay but without your imput it is hard to tell
Top
T o C
#1716
20JUL21
Eighteen months without my Baby and a Dahlia in the Grey Goose glass
probably could not believe it could happen if I was not sitting here
A lot of folks did a lot of listening to let this horror pass
although I have come quite a long ways where I am is anything but clear
Top
T o C
#1717
21JUL21
It is all perspective so many say
I wish I could find an angle where I could see
Guess there's no harm seeing another way
and I would let go if only to set you free
Top
T o C
#1718
22JUL21
How did we get to be so full of clutter in our house
the sentimental feelings of missing you only makes it worse
How do I part with things of yours without being a louse
and can part of my moving on be remembering you in verse
Top
T o C
#1719
23JUL21
I guess it has been a while since I turned your crystal on
days turned into months and years and it seems memories fade fast
But just like on day one my heart only knows you are gone
yet nothing can ever take from me the joy our love amassed
Top
T o C
#1720
24JUL21
Five months until Christmas Eve your favorite time of year
although you did not like to hear about it while the weather was fine
Hoping to go through your decorations without a tear
even though it will be kind of sad to actually cross that line
Top
T o C
#1721
25JUL21
I guess I need to decide I want to live in this world without you
sounds like a silly thing but I am here without a decision made
To be honest I cannot say that a desire like that is true
and yet there is nothing I can do to stop this catastrophic fade
Top
T o C
#1722
26JUL21
"Until death do us part" passed a long time ago
but in no way changed the way that I feel
So I must carry on with all this love in stow
while trying to maintain an even keel
Top
T o C
#1723
27JUL21
I can see how you prepared me to let you go
and I can see the list you built that I would miss
You are the reason for this comfort that I know
and I recall thousands of days blowing a kiss
Top
T o C
#1724
28JUL21
I write "I Love You" in the journal and realize you are here
right in my heart where you have lived ever since the day we met
In all this sadness the echo that you left is that there is no fear
like you lived I will trust life and be happy with what I get
Top
T o C
#1725
29JUL21
Sometimes where I drove the Mack yesterday slips from my mind
and it has been well over eighteen months since our last moment alone
And I am terrified of memories I will not find
while I sit watching cloud patterns change on all of the skies we have flown
Top
T o C
#1726
30JUL21
Sometimes the further away it gets the closer you seem when I talk
and still I could not dream of such a wonderful life as you made
It seems that while missing you terribly alone I have learned to walk
and somehow even in your leaving you have left no debt unpaid
Top
T o C
#1727
31JUL21
I missed the odometer reading of sixty-eight-thousand on the 'Wing
which translates into four-thousand miles past our ride in the anarchy of post-Queen life
It seems that a succession of habits and rituals are the new thing
like the planning for tomorrow that you taught me and I learned can cut you like a knife
Top
T o C
#1728
1AUG21
I am a poet and cannot believe life would have me stop writing to you
my life is the same as it was but for the love we once shared
Now I try to share it daily with the world in all of the things that I do
and so little by little the hole in my heart is repaired
Top
T o C
#1729
2AUG21
The electric "something" dahlia is so pretty with red and pink
and the buds for the large yellow blooms are now bursting at their seams
They may be coming early because of all that they had to drink
ever since you said goodbye the world has been living in extremes
Work is busy like crazy just like it has been for many years
and I am eighteen months into posting pictures of you each day
Missing you seems much less painful though it can still bring me to tears
yet honoring your memory seems to be my part in this play
Top
T o C
#1730
3AUG21
I think you kept me grounded while the busy of seasons peaked
maybe you still do in the form of flowers that bloom in the yard
Though the windows of my heart are by this grief forever streaked
there is love there that you planted that cannot by this life be marred
Top
T o C
#1731
4AUG21
As another season without you slides by the dahlias bloom
when I get home to memories of you I see new buds each day
A very nice way for my favorite season to resume
such beauty coming from the ashes of love that has gone away
Top
T o C
#1732
5AUG21
I write in "your" journal because I started it after you got sick
writing a poem because I wrote poetry long before I met you
Getting ready for work because that's what I do as the seconds tick
looking at flowers from the yard because you left me something to do
Top
T o C
#1733
6AUG21
Last evaluation gave this book two hundred and fifty-three more dates*
past two years without you but what time is my heart
Journals of prose and rhyme each day for which the love we grew together waits
lopsided me up before dawn taking my part
I am well aware that all our vows ended with the last breath that you took
but it was days past where you could have said goodbye
And how can I possibly put all that is in my heart into a book
though what once brought tears is sometimes now but a sigh
* Actually poems, but I do have a poetic license...
Top
T o C
#1734
7AUG21
I cannot remember the last time I bought cut flowers "for you"
supposedly I posted the last "good morning" picture of you on Facebook today
Last January you stopped being part of the things that I do
but I am not sure you will ever stop affecting all the things that I think and say
Top
T o C
#1735
8AUG21
I guess I miss you most when I need that hug only you can give
yesterday I had one of those days when I missed you most
All of these days without you and still I do not know how to live
the only thing I really know is that my heart is toast
Top
T o C
#1736
9AUG21
Maybe the worst it gets is when something goes wrong
because you always seemed to know just what to say
Telling you about my day was part of the song
and I still can't believe it has all gone away
Top
T o C
#1737
10AUG21
I still sit at my spot at the table we used to share
I still park in my spot in the driveway furthest from the door
I still sleep on the far side of the bed without you there
and I still want to share each day the way that I did before
Top
T o C
#1738
11AUG21
More dahlias are blooming out in the yard
the one I never expected to be mine
A Kelvin Floodlight makes hurting less hard
if there is such a thing as crossing that line
It appears understanding has a price
experience is the only way to pay
And if I could reach back for your advice
it would be a simple loving thing you'd say
Top
T o C
#1739
12AUG21
It feels like everyone else is getting over all this better than I
yet Dahlias as some Phoenix spring from your ashes like fire
It is not like I sit here in total sadness and all I do is cry
but the empty of my heart just throws more wood on the pyre
Top
T o C
#1740
13AUG21
Sometimes I cannot imagine not writing a poem to you each day
and there are times when I wish I had never even picked up a pen
But here it is I sit with dahlias that grew in your ashes today
hoping of course to feel normal again but I cannot foresee when
Top
T o C
#1741
14AUG21
So many dahlias are blooming I may have to give them away
do you dance around your gardens at night and sing to help them grow
And was this your way of getting my fingers in the dirt to play
having me bury your ashes there so that this joy I might come to know
Top
T o C
#1742
15AUG21
Two-hundred-and-forty-four more poems and this volume will be done
only because I doubled the number when it was close last time
Maybe I was crazy even to think that I might write "the one"
yet it has never been more clear what a great blessing is this rhyme
Bleeding my pain out onto paper saved me in so many ways
and it also made clearer what a great blessing you were to me
This writing may stop but I will celebrate you all of my days
hopefully in death this yearning to see you again will be free
Top
T o C
#1743
16AUG21
Finally getting all of the lilies and dahlias in the ground
mowing the lawn and watering the gardens in this summer heat
Maybe it is simply doing these things where my solace is found
maybe the answers are in the mundane and not some super feat
Top
T o C
#1744
17AUG21
This wall of cruise pictures sometimes do not even catch my eye
and there are days when I do not think to turn your crystal on
I post a poem I wrote two months ago and I do not cry
I think it still tears me to the core but alas you are gone
Top
T o C
#1745
18AUG21
In two days it will be nineteen months since I felt your touch
and even that is something of which I am not quite sure
But I do know without a doubt that I miss you so much
and I am beginning to wonder if there is a cure
Top
T o C
#1746
19AUG21
You took your seventy-plus years and you loved with all your heart
I was fortunate enough to catch your eye and to be blessed
There is nothing unaffected by my taking of that part
as there is no Earthly way my gratitude can be expressed
Top
T o C
#1747
20AUG21
I do not really want to mark time by how long it has been
because the last time I held your hand I do not think you knew
And I do not want to place hope in a someday's if and when
or waste a single moment in some yesterday's shade of blue
But mental desire and feeling of heart are not the same
and if nothing else you certainly taught me that heart is true
It may not seem fair but I am left to feed my heart its flame
I must come to terms with the fact that that is honoring you
Top
T o C
#1748
21AUG21
Has this soliloquy gone on long enough
for was it not our two hearts that built this stage
And is this verse more than emotional fluff
is this my refusal to just turn the page
I need a bypass for my heart has a hole
did you take a piece or did I rip it off
We were so close you felt like part of my soul
but need I stand here bleeding into my trough
Top
T o C
#1749
22AUG21
I guess letting go has actually never been my thing
dragged my childhood with me for nearly forty years
These memories of you are certainly my most valued bling
and finally they no longer bring me to tears
Top
T o C
#1750
23AUG21
You are still at lunch with us on Sundays when we go
probably because so much of us was spent with you
I had no idea those would be the best times I know
because easy was the way you'd do the things you'd do
Top
T o C
#1751
24AUG21
I turn on your crystal and take off your ring
and I write to you in a journal that is almost two years old
Sometimes it seems the clock does not mean a thing
and all I have learned in your absence is that I am very cold
Top
T o C
#1752
25AUG21
There are a dozen red and yellow dahlias here in Grey Goose glasses
and one great big yellow one in the beer mug with the Beetle
I still count each day without you as a win as it slowly passes
though getting past all of this seems like the eye of the needle
Top
T o C
#1753
26AUG21
All that I am is the affect of loving you
and there are flowers all over the house from honoring that
There is peace knowing you are part of all I do
and peace just might be the destination I was looking at
Top
T o C
#1754
27AUG21
Is there a difference between the love you left and you
either I am haunted or your love lives in me
Either way you still affect everything that I do
and from this I shall not ever wish to be free
Top
T o C
#1755
28AUG21
I am sure you would have already shopped for your daughter's card
for me it's either after work today or shopping on the way
I really had no idea that missing you would be so hard
I guess that beyond reason I thought we had forever to play
Top
T o C
#1756
29AUG21
It feels like I should do something when I just need to be
maybe that is half the grieving issue that needs to be passed
Our moments of love echo with laughter inside of me
it feels like I can be glad for the times that we had at last
Top
T o C
#1757
30AUG21
This week turns September and our daughters celebrate their days
and more rain this week because the world is not right without you
My heart was so hard shaken it only sees a blur of daze
and so grateful because you taught it to do what it must do
Top
T o C
#1758
31AUG21
Dahlia blooms all over the house from two to eight inches in size
can hardly wait to check your gardens after another long hot day
I call them kisses grown from your ashes always a great surprise
the seasons' effort pays me back in a stunningly beautiful way
Top
T o C
#1759
1SEPT21
I feel the seconds sliding by as your daughter has her day
I do not know if we get to meet again when I am gone
But I am sure that I enjoyed all the years we got to play
and that the joy you left me is the reason I love each dawn
Top
T o C
#1760
2SEPT21
Eight hundred poems to you seems an aweful small amount of praise
for all of the help that you were and all of the love that you made
I only hope to share the results for the rest of my days
and remember that you were the answer for most of what I prayed
Top
T o C
#1761
3SEPT21
I cannot believe I long to hear your complaints about a trip to Maine
we are going up tomorrow and I need some baby's breath slips
So I guess at the end of grieving is just going totally insane
and maybe I was crazy thinking that I just might come to grips
Top
T o C
#1762
3SEPT21 #2
A four day weekend as we enter into fall
the we is a heart full of memories and me
I sit here not minding the solitude at all
it has become the only place I want to be
Top
T o C
#1763
4SEPT21
Taking a trip to Maine will never quite be the same
with your pillow and blanket and funny things to say
Some mornings when I rise I don't want to play this game
but I guess in this nightmare we made we have to pay
And thank you for all of the help you were able to give
though most likely I am unaware of half of it
I will celebrate scents of you as I try to live
and try to pretend I am not just half of a split
Top
T o C
#1764
5SEPT21
It is about three weeks from two years since you got the news
you called me at work and I did not even know what to say
Shortly after that it became only sleep eat and snooze
like I was dragged down a rabbit hole into that final day
Top
T o C
#1765
6SEPT21
When I look back I see I was living the dream
as if you were an angel who fell from the sky
It is amazing how good we were as a team
and how much we could care without having to try
Top
T o C
#1766
7SEPT21
Each day I wake up to you being gone and it is new
is has been so terribly long since I got to hold your hand
Between all the chores and work I have tons of things to do
but this emptiness is not something my heart was made to stand
Top
T o C
#1767
8SEPT21
Each day I sit and look at your crystal remembering you here
but it seems it is becoming less often I switch on the LEDs
I am surrounded by pictures where your love for me is so clear
I guess it was just silly in your echo to think that my heart might freeze
Top
T o C
#1768
9SEPT21
Not sure if I am any closer to living "without" you
a daily journal and this five-hundred-and-eighty-third poem
Trying not to fall into the abyss but am about to
seems to have replaced the joyous space that we once called our home
Top
T o C
#1769
10SEPT21
I cannot be sure if I am stretching this out or if it is stretching me
what I have are these verses I write and I do not want to let them go
Long before I even knew your name writing poetry was part of my be
as long after you returned the ring it shows me the love you gave can grow
Top
T o C
#1770
11SEPT21
I feel so selfish spending all these mourning moments with you
but I do not yet know how to honor all you were to me
I am still in awe that you came along as my dreams come true
and still as lost when it comes to how without you I should be
Top
T o C
#1771
12SEPT21
It is birthday lunch with Jenn today
and I will hide how sadly you are missed
Guess that's the horrible human way
I shall follow as long as mores insist
Is this now as close as we can get
or simply the lull before the next leap
Do I think I could ever forget
were I to leave you now in peace to sleep
Top
T o C
#1772
13SEPT21
I do not want to bleed on others but I seem a pool
it does not hurt like once it did but is always there
I may appear to others as but some grief stricken fool
but life has finally taught me that I should not care
Top
T o C
#1773
14SEPT21
This work season moves into fall in a week and a day
almost two years since the doctor found out why you had chest pain
Two months from now I will go back under the house to play
something I did for years alone that now might help keep me sane
There was before you then there was living in love and joy
then there was less than four months where we said our final goodbyes
And now I am going through life like a lost little boy
trying to forget the echo of forever and its lies
Top
T o C
#1774
15SEPT21
Ten weeks until I begin winter number two alone
which I guess is totally unimportant as I miss you today
And I bleed out ink each morning as apart we have grown
then while it is possible I remember the ways we used to play
Top
T o C
#1775
16SEPT21
It was a sad day when you called but you were here on the phone
it may be the saddest day in a Mack I shall ever see
Hopefully now you are at peace while I manage here alone
wondering how this old heart of mine without you can be free
Top
T o C
#1776
17SEPT21
I do so miss you sleeping just down the hall
and sitting at the computer at the end of the day
But I miss your hugs and kisses most of all
and all the smiles and laughter that came with your sense of play
Top
T o C
#1777
18SEPT21
I guess I saw you as an angel and in hindsight even more
this tired bull in the china shop that you came and led away
After years upon life's churning ocean you were my tranquil shore
now here I am so indebted without a way I can repay
Top
T o C
#1778
19SEPT21
What do you do when your joy dies
you wake up still with bills to pay
How do you live when your heart cries
there's no one left to lead the way
Top
T o C
#1779
20SEPT21
I try so not to count the days but another month has passed
sitting here before some dahlias from gardens you let me keep
Not sure if it is a relief to live without tears at last
although there is this sadness that into each new day does seep
Top
T o C
#1780
21SEPT21
Had them come fill the oil tank as tomorrow is the start of fall
the end of riding the Goldwing to work that you bought long ago
Beginning another autumn without you and maybe I can crawl
as I get more familiar with this life I did not want to know
Top
T o C
#1781
22SEPT21
You showed me that every season was a reason to decorate
that every chore was worth the effort to make living good
That every milestone should be used to get together and celebrate
that love of family was just something that each member should
Top
T o C
#1782
23SEPT21
Somehow you were the miracle that I needed
somehow I must learn to live with my miracle gone
Somehow I need to give this love that you seeded
and try not to bleed from shattered dreams with each breath drawn
Top
T o C
#1783
24SEPT21
If I could believe I could see you again I would
or was this your way of helping me to be ready to leave
I'm trying not to go crazy but maybe I should
maybe that is just another room in this mansion of grieve
Top
T o C
#1784
25SEPT21
Another six day week in the Mack with an empty house
small medium and large dahlias all over the place
And if I sit quiet in the morning like a church mouse
I can bring back the memory of touching your face
Top
T o C
#1785
26SEPT21
Every day I miss you and there seems to be no end
and still the way that you blessed my life carries me on
Oh I would love to "move on" but I refuse to pretend
the hurt of your leaving is past but it is not gone
Top
T o C
#1786
27SEPT21
It has been more than five thousand miles
but I cannot ride the 'Wing without thinking of you
Sitting there with directions and smiles
and you are still part of everything that I do
Top
T o C
#1787
28SEPT21
Cute little pumkins and scarecrows all over the place
a couple you had up in January that have not come down
Some simple reminder tokens of your love and grace
as all the leaves turn pretty colors on their was from green to brown
Top
T o C
#1788
29SEPT21
You came along with some sort of unspoken demands
that awoke a whole other level inside of me
Then as we grew you became the one who understands
but when you left I remained with this uncertainty
Top
T o C
#1789
30SEPT21
I feel I am living without when you came and made me so much more
what once looked like magic seems more like miracle now that you are gone
And you were my gardian angel I could not help but to adore
so I cannot help but feel the empty when I wake to each new dawn
Top
T o C
#1790
1OCT21
More than six hundred poems later I had thought I might know what I feel
twenty plus months of alone and the house has yet to be thoroughly cleaned
I have just noticed the obvious that living alone here is real
hanging from your emotional teat fantasizing about being weaned
Top
T o C
#1791
2OCT21
Every day I seem to notice another way you helped me out
every step of heart less fragile I understand more of your strong
Maybe till we have lived it we cannot know what true love is about
how lucky am I to have taken this time to listen to your song
Top
T o C
#1792
3OCT21
I got your check from Prudential the other day
it pays the fees at the bank for the account of your estate
It appears to be another scene of our play
alone here on the stage it seems to me the curtain is late
Top
T o C
#1793
4OCT21
Posted poems from last December and this January and February this morning
boy this poet can turn flamboyant the too many shades of sad
Even the reading of "notes" on the phone kind of snuck up on me without any warning
not that I any longer look on grieving as anything bad
I have come to the conclusion I will never know why you loved me and that is okay
but I know you demanded the best of me and that made me well
I am not so sure about moving on but I will be grateful until my dying day
hoping then to see you again but I guess only time will tell
Top
T o C
#1794
5OCT21
Deposited a dividend check and thought I should close that account
just another goodbye like each night when the browser closes on my favorite pix
It is not as if I need that money but it was once your amount
and I say goodbye to those pictures each night as if this broken heart it just could fix
Top
T o C
#1795
6OCT21
Wrote a poem to you in the journal should I write a note here
is grief the back road to crazy or does it just lead to true
I so want to honor you but the way to that is not clear
so work and sleep and tend to flowers seem to be all I do
Top
T o C
#1796
7OCT21
Over two years I have kept a journal I pretend I write to you
just a couple of lines and miss you's and love you's each day
And did I just pretend you were the reason for the things that I do
?
for I am still here doing them and you have gone away
Top
T o C
#1797
8OCT21
Seeing masks everywhere again is so terribly sad
and I cannot even imagine just how you would react
I'm sure isolating at your computer would not be bad
but still wanting visits from grandchildren would just be a fact
Family nails hair and shopping are the reasons you went out
you made getting home a pleasure with every hug and kiss
And you showed me that the little things are what life is about
yet I am still amazed at how many little things I miss
Top
T o C
#1798
9OCT21
I spent years letting go of the past and now I forget
I had no idea how unfair life could be when I thought it then
Instinct seems to care about all that I have not seen yet
but given another chance I would most surely do it again
Top
T o C
#1799
10OCT21
I can feel the end of the season though it is still many weeks
as I get ready to update your volume of poetry with pix for the world to see
And so I prepare for my winter fiascos with no tears on my cheeks
and wonder about writing these poems to you each morning that has become a part of me
Oh I do not want to extend my grieving any longer than it must
but there is no way in a thousand years that I could ever possibly thank you enough
The fact that tears are no longer flowing prove to me that I can adjust
but there are days that take me by surprise when I could use just a little of your tough
Top
T o C
#1800
11OCT21
So this morning I wrote in a journal that has entered year number three
not sure how long I sat here wondering what I should write to you
And if not for pictures I am not sure what my mind would have left to see
yet my heart has never missed a beat of knowing your love so true
Top
T o C
#1801
12OCT21
If I was a smarter man I might have started this when we met
but I was too busy falling in love with she who would be my Queen
The end hit me with such a jolt it seemed it would make me forget
but the love you left keeps filling my heart with all of our joy serene
Top
T o C
#1802
13OCT21
Got another birthday card to mail for the traditions you had
Brenda is talking of hosting Thanksgiving like the good ole days
And I am sitting here writing you a poem without being sad
and time just keeps on ticking as we wander throughout its maze
Top
T o C
#1803
14OCT21
I would so love to bring in one of these huge Dahlias to you
maybe in a way you are bringing them in to me
So is tending the gardens an echo of love that was true
and your ashes in their soil a way to set you free
Top
T o C
#1804
15OCT21
Aden's card is ready to mail with a label from me and you
with your cards and shopping family was always on your mind
It truly is the little things so the little things I now do
maybe after you are gone your secrets of heart I will find
Top
T o C
#1805
16OCT21
Got another email from the court about your final case
when I thought it was over something else needs to be done
I seem to still be clearing hurdles but I have lost all grace
funny how our together made the hassles a lot more fun
Top
T o C
#1806
17OCT21
Gazing into this crystal block and seeing your wedding day smile
framed by the dahlias from our yard from the gardening gift you gave
Has carried me through many mournings for it has now been a while
because your happiness that day is the best memory I save
Top
T o C
#1807
18OCT21
My confusion and forgetfulness has made a mess of your probate case
and I am deep within an emotional storm that I thought was gone
I am not sure with the court system the consequences I must now face
so maybe now would be a good time for a lawyer to rest faith on
Top
T o C
#1808
19OCT21
The autumn air has me in that big yellow safety coat you bought
but it does not bring your closer to think of things like these
I am still flabbergasted to think I found the love that I sought
and horrified it could be taken from me by disease
Top
T o C
#1809
20OCT21
Twenty-one months have passed since I held your hand goodbye
it is not like I keep track but it can be a good guage
I still do not know what honor means but I do try
ten chapters later I am still trying to turn the page
Top
T o C
#1810
21OCT21
I end the journal entry with a "What do I do?"
wondering if you are my means of contacting the universe
My life became so good the moment I got to you
but I wonder sometimes if just remembering that is a curse
Top
T o C
#1811
22OCT21
I write with a pen my daughter bought and a refill Amazon sent
to a Queen who has been ash in gardens for two full seasons now
I look at the dahlias considered her kisses in this heart felt lent
preparing for an overtime day and to be happy somehow
Top
T o C
#1812
23OCT21
I think the big fall push has hit like a storm
and the Goldwing has not moved in over a week
Blurred recollections of you next to me warm
late at night in the silence are all that I seek
Top
T o C
#1813
24OCT21
Apparently I did not even take eight-hundred pictures of you
how could I be such a negligent servant to my beautiful Queen
I guess when we were together there were more important things to do
and ten-thousand pictures would still only hint at the wonders I've seen
Top
T o C
#1814
25OCT21
So my mistakes on the probate case have come back to haunt
just when it seems that this whole ordeal has to be done
It is like the details and distortions have joined to taunt
maybe that is just what happens when you lose "the one"
Top
T o C
#1815
26OCT21
So many cruise pictures hang on the wall
so many honeymoons and each one of them fun
So much love building expecting no fall
so much of my heart cannot believe it is done
Top
T o C
#1816
27OCT21
I guess because of the journal I still talk to you each day
not sure if it keeps it broken or keeps it from freezing cold
But my heart often has only thank you or I miss you to say
so I guess with just two phrases my hole story can be told
Top
T o C
#1817
28OCT21
So saving money by keeping the heat down did not work out the way I thought
it is probably best as it broke down on a day off and was fixed right away
This old place on the water is but an echo of what together we bought
from a new roof down to the crawl space it has kept me busy while you are away
Top
T o C
#1818
29OCT21
Almost time to dig up tubers and pack them away
some Calla lilies get dug and some are left in the ground
So I guess hobbies are just how adult children play
and ashes in gardens is the best relief I have found
Top
T o C
#1819
30OCT21
Only three days of work this week because of rain
sitting watching the metaphorical tear drops fall
Quietly experiencing loss of love's pain
yet without emotion time ticks its relentless call
I look at the insanity I would believe
wondering how in the world it could have come to this
Is there anything that could begin to relieve
the impact of how much your beautiful smile I miss
Top
T o C
#1820
31OCT21
Even the dahlias are done for the season
dead flowers frame your crystal and that beautiful smile
I have to go on though I lost my reason
as another work year comes to an end in a while
Digging up tubers and bulbs and blowing leaves
the rain from monsoon week is supposed to end at dawn
I listen to the clock and the healing it deceives
as I wonder if there will be comfort with you gone
Top
T o C
#1821
1NOV21
I may have touched your ashes digging in the gardens yesterday
but not until this morning did that thought even cross my mind
Straight out from dawn until dusk shows this labor of love is my play
I guess time heals all wounds by making us forgetful and blind
Top
T o C
#1822
2NOV21
I do things to make myself comfortable the way you used to do
and I understand deeper the actions your love put into play
I suppose I cannot honor you at all unless I love me too
with a heart full of action louder than anything I could say
Top
T o C
#1823
3NOV21
I am coming to believe that true honor has to be laced with joy
that sadness is a pang of selfishness that my heart must let go
That love is not something that the dark veil of death could ever destroy
that living is tilling the garden so seeds of love left may grow
Top
T o C
#1824
4NOV21
And a twelve and a half hour day shakes me back into place
so exhaustion can play its hypnotic music to my heart
As lights through a crystal remind me of your beautiful face
and I wander this alien planet looking for my part
Top
T o C
#1825
5NOV21
I could use a dose of that confidence you carried so well
and maybe three or four of the common sense you took for granted
I found a black and white from oh-three to decorate this hell
or so it seems with hindsight's view of the life that you enchanted
Top
T o C
#1826
6NOV21
The probate case has been accepted and filed is this now done
what am I supposed to do with all the love you helped me grow
How do I ever live in this world after losing the one
or carry alone the joy that together we got to know
Top
T o C
#1827
7NOV21
How can there be anything left of grieve when you are so far gone
and yet the empty of your wake has in no way subsided
Oh what now could I possibly rest any future hopes upon
when the forever love of we by death has been divided
Top
T o C
#1828
8NOV21
I am trying even harder now to make a yard fit for a Queen
only you have gone away so I guess the work is for me
Sitting here not wishing I could forget the worst things that I have seen
for I would change nothing in a past where your love set me free
Top
T o C
#1829
9NOV21
I am sorry I was so slow at becoming a better man
most certainly that is what began to happen by loving you
I suppose all honor really is in doing the best I can
just knowing that the love you shared is all I need to get me through
Top
T o C
#1830
10NOV21
I wondered if points in practice were causing me to come unraveled
but it may be the approach of the time of year I think of you
It is not like those thoughts were not with me on all the roads I traveled
but destinational distraction obscurred broken hearted view
Top
T o C
#1831
11NOV21
I live the life that was before me the day you went away
it is the life that I chose or prayed for to which you agreed
Alone I care for our kingdom where memories of us play
trying not to desecrate it with the suffer of my bleed
Top
T o C
#1832
12NOV21
Mailing Derek's card this morning your baby is a grown man
Brenda is doing Thanksgiving and Bob's turkey will be there
Just the fact that the holiday season has come proves I can
on days I do not want to I remember how you would care
Top
T o C
#1833
13NOV21
I am not sure how you brought out the best in me
and maybe I am afraid that the best part of me is gone
There is so much of you that hindsight cannot see
that is becoming distant past as winds of time carry on
Top
T o C
#1834
14NOV21
Had you gone to sleep and not awakened would it be the same
would I have to change the bed and bedroom so I could survive
Like infant child and adult the whole of death is just a name
we place upon the final step to remembering alive
Top
T o C
#1835
15NOV21
This tending your gardens might be all that I ever need
as I hunker down in preparation of my second winter alone
With arduous choices to be made about bulbs and seed
and the too long overdue rebuilding of that first garden's wall of stone
I've got back-tracking work to be done in the down under
and digging under the porch so I don't break it off the house when I jack
Sometimes I think this whole project was simply a blunder
but the exercise and keeping me busy THIS winter for sure is whack
Top
T o C
#1836
16NOV21
It dawns on me that sooner or later I will write my last poem to you
that shortly after that they will all be lost just like they never were
That maybe some great grand child may glance at a picture showing our love true
and yet it takes nothing from our moment when all of love did concur
Top
T o C
#1837
17NOV21
I have not been keeping track so I do not know how many journals are full of verse to you
yet the deeper in I wade the less likely it seems that this has an end
Writing rhyme and feeling love are two of the things that you taught me so much better how to do
so writing rhyme and feeling love must be the way you help me now to mend
Top
T o C
#1838
18NOV21
The holiday season is here without the Queen again
your dread of the weather and love of reunions would ring
Memories are the keepers of the love that you shared then
and in the silence of our hearts we listen for its ring
Top
T o C
#1839
19NOV21
I look into my crystal block and all I see is you
my work season winds down to its end and I will be alone
Because of all the plans we made I still have tons to do
each time I check I see more ways because of you I have grown
Top
T o C
#1840
20NOV21
Not sure how you tied it all together at holidays but you did
I remember telling Brenda that she was the Queen now still I fall short
It is like you turned it into a playground as the happiest kid
now almost two years after your passing I find you still my Last Resort
Top
T o C
#1841
21NOV21
Jennifer got half of the vaccine then fell ill from the plague
with Josh standing his ground at her side I could not be more proud
I guess this puts an end to the nonsense of naysayers' hague
hope that second jab nurse that looked like you saved me from this cloud
I dream of the past and enjoy your complaints about the cold
remembering quick kisses and hugs that set fire to days
The giggles and laughter you shared with me were better than gold
leaving me a man rich of heart wandering post lovers' maze
Top
T o C
#1842
22NOV21
The goals this winter is to fill the trash bin once a week
there is just too much clutter here though it seems like you
Not even sure I can do it without those tears that leak
but it may be something that closure has to go through
Top
T o C
#1843
23NOV21
Seems like such a long season when it starts
then a day from the end it seems it flew by
The opposite seems to happen in hearts
what came in a flash seems forever to cry
Top
T o C
#1844
24NOV21
I guess my heart forgets how happy you liked to see me be
so taking joy to be still living is how I honor you
So does that mean that compartmentalization is the key
if I keep sadness in a box your love still lights all I do?
Top
T o C
#1845
25NOV21
Another Thanksgiving without my Queen and COVID strikes again
how crazy the world has become since your blessing went away
Still hoping some sort of "normal" returns but have no idea when
the best I got is each morning to pick up the pen and play
Top
T o C
#1846
26NOV21
It is like I have no desire to be part of this world without you
but I gotta go trade the "IMISS-U" car for the truck for Maine
I am taking the day off though there are a thousand things I should do
it's a crazy world but I am stuck in my own unique insane
Top
T o C
#1847
27NOV21
I put your crystal by the door so it can ride with me to Maine
Andy has ridden before but this time Bonnie will be in back
I do not know what is next being emotionally insane
the worst of it appears to be knowing I cannot have you back
Top
T o C
#1848
28NOV21
I sang to you last night and even I knew you were not there
but it was good to sing with Andy some Denver and Joel
Not sure how to handle your absense having so much glare
it is almost like I keep up the motions with no soul
Top
T o C
#1849
29NOV21
I put up the laser lights without you so they are probably wrong
I will decide later which decorations I am going to use
The spinning tree and nightlight globe are the only ones whose pull is strong
too bad we didn't get any together when we were on a cruise
Top
T o C
#1850
30NOV21
Had a bunch of failed attempts hit yesterday's chores
and I definitely could have used a hug from you
Want to size your ring but not go near any stores
maybe today just staying home is what I will do
Top
T o C
#1851
1DEC21
I still do not know how to be comfortable when I get laid off
the fact that you are not here has not made it easier in any way
This heavy blanket of grief does not seem to be something I can doff
though I thought of it as a passing cloud I think that it has come to stay
It keeps me warm with thoughts of love when sleep lets me forget you are gone
I have grown accustomed to its heft as I watch you slowly fade away
It seems appropriate that it covers each day beginning at dawn
as I am finding it allows me moments here and there that I can play
Top
T o C
#1852
2DEC21
Thank you for choosing to spend the rest of your life with me
thank you for showing me how much work goes into care
Thank you for showing me that saying I love you is key
and thank you for each memory you helped me to share
Top
T o C
#1853
3DEC21
Clinical Depression was the reason for a number of questions on the new patient form
a simple family Christmas text let me know how close I am to tears
Happy memories can be blotted out when those from ICU come flying at me in swarm
and I can see this still haunting me in many years
Top
T o C
#1854
4DEC21
It has come down to the wire and I must clean this house
I need to set the sentimental thoughts off to the side
Items are not attached to the feelings that they espouse
but they just may be the flames to this hell in which I bide
Top
T o C
#1855
5DEC21
Thanksgiving at Brenda's was small so there is a Secret Santa text
tears welled up in my eyes when it came out and I know not why
Two years ago tomorrow I got laid off for what was to come next
and I had no idea that in less than two months you would die
Here I am laid of again and still I do not know what I should do
there is this remnant of we in me that wants no part of this
Here in this house stuffed full of clutter that is all that remains of you
there does not seem any part of me not overwhelmed with miss
Top
T o C
#1856
6DEC21
I make the bed in the cold bedroom each day when I rise
and I have only added to the clutter you left when you went away
I think I will put more things in totes as a compromise
and then put them under the house where they will probably forever stay
I do not know why I cannot let any of it go
I held your hand as you stopped breathing and then just got up and left the room
I hope there is no deeper sadness I will ever know
your ashes may be in the gardens but this house feels like it is your tomb
Top
T o C
#1857
7DEC21
Started to try to clean the house just under the kitchen sink
I got rid of a few empty bottles and some glass cleaner
Am not sure if that is what is pushing me over the brink
but suddenly I am more anxious and joy has grown leaner
Top
T o C
#1858
8DEC21
So I gotta remember it isn't all about you being gone
if I remember correctly I was a misfit long before we ever met
Of course now it's all gas looking for a fire to pour itself on
while the treasure of loving you is the only thing I should never forget
Top
T o C
#1859
9DEC21
So I am going to pack up totes of all this stuff I can't let go
maybe someone will find it in twenty years and wonder who you were
Maybe some of your great-grandchildren will have a place for it to go
and maybe it will all go into a dumpster in some kind of blur
Top
T o C
#1860
10DEC21
I am trying to get into the spirit again this year
although I am not so sure I was in the spirit before
Probably pushing harder just to make up for your not here
trying not to let painful thoughts interfere with what's instore
Top
T o C
#1861
11DEC21
Approaching your loss like some sickness that could be healed
may be the worst thing I have done since you've been gone
With all of this writing and all that has been revealed
I find with each new change the stronger I am drawn
I told Rich and Marilyn I knew you were the one
by a fire in their back yard the other day
I am fine with your absence letting romance be done
for this world needs love in every other way
Top
T o C
#1862
12DEC21
Echoes of your giggle still fill up my heart
and getting home is frosted by the scent of your hug
What a lucky man to have had such a part
what music on heart strings is made with memories' tug
Top
T o C
#1863
13DEC21
I have heard stories of spirits deciding with God who their parents would be
and I can imagine telling the creator that I would want you
But it never did occur that someone might choose the one to help them get free
or to be one of the ones holding their hand when it was time to go
Top
T o C
#1864
14DEC21
I feel like I am one year ten months and twenty-four days behind
of course this is not a twinkling an eye in all eternity
Yet having once had you leaves my heart feeling completely resigned
but for those few moments when the stars aligned to let our true love be
Top
T o C
#1865
15DEC21
COVID canceled the work Christmas party again
well it was probably the office but you know what I mean
So there is a first out in the somewhere and when
today is six-hundred-and-ninety-four days without a Queen
Top
T o C
#1866
16DEC21
Being married to you made me such a fortunate man
you decided where to spend your love and you gave it all
And it was not as if we ever really had a plan
true love just gave us each a ring and we answered its call
Top
T o C
#1867
17DEC21
Maybe collapsing that lung led me to believe I would never see this
maybe your acting tough got me to believe you would never die
It is as if the universe has fallen into some sort of remiss
that the world is so profoundly wrong that I can no longer cry
Top
T o C
#1868
18DEC21
I guess my job is learning to live without getting over you
trying so hard to see that the miracle of us was a stop on the way
The fact that you were my answer has never been any more true
and I am scrambling in this game of life trying to find the urge to play
Top
T o C
#1869
19DEC21
It is only the second Christmas without you and I struggle to remember your part
somehow in all this insanity the acts of love must be carried on
Your echo of course is cherished each day and remembered with every beat of my heart
being present can be such a chore when it is to the past I am drawn
Top
T o C
#1870
20DEC21
I started weeding out the kitchen things to pack away
a lot of pasta hit the trash but even that is hard to do
I guess attachment is too easy till it's time to pay
these dishes containers and utensils are not part of you
Top
T o C
#1871
21DEC21
I guess it is time to get the lead out with just three days left
still this pandemic insanity and isolation sets
How is it even possible this emptiness has such heft
that in the wake of paradise there can even be regrets
Top
T o C
#1872
22DEC21
So now all the adults have scratch tickets for Christmas morning
and I took a picture of mine next to a picture of you
I guess the ghost of Christmas past haunted without a warning
and I will so miss seeing you do what you loved to do
Top
T o C
#1873
23DEC21
Christmas is two days away and plans are all made
the first time together without the Queen being there
Going out with a plague has made this a slow fade
and I can sure understand now that life is not fair
Top
T o C
#1874
24DEC21
Second Christmas without you but the first* since the plague came
still need to wrap up secret Santa and make chili dip
I guess the whole point is that it can never be the same
so I will put on the Christmas spirit and let 'er rip
* together
Top
T o C
#1875
25DEC22
Christmas morning scratching tickets with a picture of my Queen
still not knowing where I am going as I try to move on
But your absense with these passing of days seems no less obscene
and I am but a pauper here so lost with his treasure gone
Top
T o C
#1876
26DEC21
The plague allowed us Christmas Eve with all the family and fun
D Money took the spotlight several times but how else should it be
How the family carries on gives credit to all you have done
and in the end your gifts to them turn out to be gifts they give to me
Top
T o C
#1877
27DEC21
Every day is just another day I wake up without you here
guess the problem with living the dream is that it has to end
I go through the motions but nothing in this living is very clear
so I must wonder if some wounds of heart never really mend
Top
T o C
#1878
28DEC21
I am on the last page of the second journal to you but can tell I am not done yet
often I wonder if there would be any reason for you to look back on this matrix
It warms me to think time is but a veil and our work togethwer still has much to beget
but clearly so far we are just working in mime on our forever dance of semantics
Top
T o C
#1879
29DEC21
At eleven minutes before noon on January twentieth twenty-twenty-one
?
what was then considered to be the worst year of my life came to its unfateful end
I guess I forgot the thirty-seven years that came before our fairy tale was begun
and I guess what makes it feel so bad is that when you left I lost my very best friend
Top
T o C
#1880
30DEC21
Resolutions seem so futile in this world that has no Queen
yet I plan to work on the down under project in a few
As I look forward to the remainder of days without sheen
yet days of fire by remembering being loved by you
Top
T o C
#1881
31DEC21
It's just another New Year's Eve without you here
just like each morning I wake to find the dream has passed
The fact that I am to live here alone is clear
so I bathe in the memories of you I amassed
Top
T o C
#1882
1JAN22
It hasn't been two years yet but it's the second New Year's Day
the cold alone of winter seems to loom in the before
Yet through these waves of sorrow echoes of fairy tale hold sway
and I shall push forward with a photo album heart of yore
Top
T o C
#1883
2JAN22
I'm not sure why I am amazed at how strong your children are
you told me you knew you came to raise them and you did it well
I admire you for that for purpose eludes me so far
if I have reasons for being here I just can't seem to tell
Sometimes I think surviving this journey is simply enough
and though I don't know what you did you helped me to grow so much
I am not sure where you got your faith for living off the cuff
but all of my days will be spent with that blessing of your touch
Top
T o C
#1884
3JAN22
You got another Prudential dividend so I still have loose ends to tie
there is bubble wrap and boxes to shred so your things can be packed away
Even though I turn sixty this year there is no rush to make these things go by
yet all this clutter has not done a thing in making your memory stay
Top
T o C
#1885
4JAN22
It's so cold this morning that I may make the door to close when I am under
like fourteen-eighty-two says it was easier to be in service to my Queen
I spent the first month listening to the deafening noise of our heart's sunder
but now I am back to my normal projects of every winter's quarantine
Top
T o C
#1886
5JAN22
It is kind of funny that I think it is a sick world to think I should move on
obviously almost two years later I am playing the functioning adult
And there are stray bits and pieces of me that want to live even though you are gone
so I guess my job is to bring them together in this crazy world like some cult
Moving forward believing the chance of our meeting was so I could be your prey
hoping really without any reason I was the fulfillment that you had sought
Visiting the true love of our breeding deep in my heart where it chooses to stay
and remembering every moment of our together by which it was bought
Top
T o C
#1887
6JAN22
Still working on these projects that started when we were a pair
it's not like you cared too much about them when you were alive
Still rolling over and reaching to find that you are not there
making the place better for retirement if I survive
Top
T o C
#1888
7JAN22
Who I am without you does not at all seem to be clear
even though it is not like we were connected at the hip
We loved to share our moments and those moments are most dear
but never once did I consider an ending of that trip
So has immaturity finally taken its toll
or is the cost of loving with all of your heart very high
I do not think grief or grieving can touch this gift of soul
or change the fact the love you gave me will always be my why
Top
T o C
#1889
8JAN22
I do not know where "here" is "now" for you and do not care
though any work we might have left is from another realm
I may have dreamt aspects of you but know that you were there
that since I gave myself to you I have not held the healm
Top
T o C
#1890
9JAN22
So I spent the whole day doing laundry you were right
and I got a LOT done on my html files
Again packing your things into totes for out of mind's sight
am I getting better with grief or just with my wiles
Top
T o C
#1891
10JAN22
Finally finding a little footing and shopping throws it out of whack
three days for chores two days to pack and weekends for working on the site
Will the third time lucky spring without you discover that there is no lack
seems like a fantasy from here but I am trying with all my might
Top
T o C
#1892
11JAN22
Bought three more totes yesterday so I can keep packing things
reminds me of those thirty totes I filled up before the cruise
Not sure why just the thought of parting with your stuff still stings
it is not like there is any more of you that I can lose
Top
T o C
#1893
12JAN22
Is there anything left we need to do or is it all solo from here
would love to believe you are in Heaven but I haven't a psychic clue
Keep the angel coins from donation requests to imagine you are near
when in reality each moment of joy is another peace from you
Top
T o C
#1894
13JAN22
Shredding two years worth of things I found your old date book
that listed the earthquake and the diamond ring I bought
Just two boxes into a pile is how long it took
packing extra dishes and your knickknacks got me caught
Small worthless objects is the Google definition
beating piece of my heart is the way it feels
Trying to straighten up seems more like demolition
each one I pack away another memory steals
It is a good thing I was numb for those thirty totes
and this winter I think it might be a whole lot more
I guess right now I could use one of your anecdotes
and I guess I have a lot more times like this in store
Top
T o C
#1895
14JAN22
Shredding stuff for the first time in years
you still get an amazing amount of mail
Finding your date book brought warmth not tears
and I go racing forward just like a snail
Top
T o C
#1896
15JAN22
Maybe someday I will get this gardening thing right
but today I am Googling how early I can plant
Gonna color code cuz markers can't take weather's fight
finally with your gardens I learn I can beat can't
But there is when you are "supposed" to and when I can
where there is a will there is a way that will honor you
Tending my Queen's flowers is now how I am a man
and I do believe there is nothing I would rather do
Top
T o C
#1897
16JAN22
Another night at less than zero and winter is how I feel
but I remember February summers with that warm smile
Oh those late nights in the casino when vacation felt so real
having my lunch with your breakfast because I was up for a while
Top
T o C
#1898
17JAN22
I cannot believe how fortunate a man I was to be chosen by you
the fact that life allowed me to live in your care so long should outweigh grief
But as I sit here alone I can only remember what true love would do
seeing that time which was described as my savior is nothing but a thief
Top
T o C
#1899
18JAN22
Slowly I am packing away too much of what you left behind
and it has dawned on me that some of the furnishings have to go
Oh I have noticed that my heart thinks I am losing my mind
but I just cannot seem to find much comfort with this clutter in tow
I am even considering moving some pictures to the hall
it may become the longest ten feet of my day but I'll live with that
It is not like rearranging could ever dim our loving's call
so grateful for the honor of loving you is where my heart is at
Top
T o C
#1900
19JAN22
Two years ago tomorrow we were in a hospice suite holding hands
we had been told your labored breathing would soon come to an end
It seems like no one knows just what I feel but the whole world understands
a zombie in this apocalypse who is trying to mend
Top
T o C
#1901
20JAN22
Two years ago when you stopped breathing I lost a portion of my heart
that six day nightmare left me unprotected in this world alone
I packed up thirty totes in the beginning to take our house apart
and I am still packing due to the expertise of my postpone
Oh the kids were great with helping out as each decided what to keep
while I am still packing totes so I do not have to throw away
It is really crazy how a piece of glass can drive me right to weep
but looking left at the wall of cruise pictures brightens up each day
Top
T o C
#1902
20JAN22 #2
Going through the house from top to bottom touching things last touched by you
so many things I do not need but pack gently into another tote
I am fairly sure I do not want to but it seems the thing to do
like reading your poems to put on YouTube but the words get caught in my throat
Maybe next year or the year after I can let all of these things go
I am still stuck here getting used to breathing without you to catch my breath
There was magic in many moments that took my breath away I know
but it seems the sadness of your passing I will carry until my death
Top
T o C
#1903
21JAN22
It might just be some metal and wood but it was your radio stand
I just cannot put it in the pile going to the transfer station
I do not know how bad I feel so how can anyone understand
I am a pile of shattered pieces in a hopeless situation
Top
T o C
#1904
22JAN22
If I was just a dichotomy maybe life would be easier
at least each personality agrees life was better with you here
There could be no inner conflict that would ever make me queasier
than to expect another woman to live within this atmosphere
Top
T o C
#1905
23JAN22
Sadness does not have much power because I am still alive
it may be hard to believe but I kept it to a minimum
The order of the atomic level is simply survive
and complete satisfaction is not needed but I would like some
I guess a Tundra and our once kingdom do hold all of that
but how it seems like less than nothing when it is without your touch
I am in the game and at the plate but I forgot my bat
all that I seem to know for sure is that I miss you oh so much!
Top
T o C
#1906
24JAN22
Dragging out this cleaning house like it is a horrid chore
tomorrow it almost hits forty and so I am going to clean the shed
The dump pile is huge but the Tundra can take a bit more
and I know easily getting what I need will be nice when it is done and said
But even though the hutch is now a beautiful display
it is just another monument to the terrible change that has taken place
I have gone mad like Max in some apocolyptic way
although perfected with ten thousand acts my fingers would again touch your face
Top
T o C
#1907
25JAN22
I do not know how to finish loving when I had just begun
I was crashing angry in a painful world when you pulled me aside
Oh I do not know how I could tell but I knew you were the one
now etched only in lighted crystal can I see my beautiful bride
Top
T o C
#1908
26JAN22
I found the packets of the last two cruises that we booked
and paystubs and registrations from a time when you were here
Maybe I just waited because my feelings were so cooked
and maybe last fall was harder because this time was so near
Ready to make potting soil at sixty days away
with a box of bulbs that should have been planted late in the fall
Possibly I do not want to see a house set my way
but future begs me to move forward if even at a crawl
Top
T o C
#1909
27JAN22
It is crazy how powerfully sad only six days can be
like some barb-wired no man's land that separates me from our glory days
I need only to rise to a height where it is painless to see
and remember that you are still with me in a countless number of ways
Top
T o C
#1910
28JAN22
It is almost depressing that I can live alone
as it is quite surprizing that I like it this way
Both of which show the ways that since we met I have grown
if you could keep teaching me it is for that I pray
Top
T o C
#1911
29JAN22
Had another great night with Jenn and Josh and the dogs
the shedding might catch in your craw but the fun of game night would win
Maybe in healing play is one of the needed cogs
I know two years has passed but I feel like I am yet in begin
Top
T o C
#1912
30JAN22
I told someone yesterday that sometimes I forget that I found "the one"
I get so busy living here alone that all I see is what I lost
Well I mean we both know that you hunted me down but what is done is done
gladly I will pay for that fairy tale no matter how much it did cost
Top
T o C
#1913
31JAN22
I do not think you miss our kingdom at minus four degrees
but I see a bare spot and think that is where you stood last night
Suppose it seems more appropriate to sense your summer breeze
maybe to look at your passing as something other than blight
Top
T o C
#1914
1FEB22
Until death do us part is kind of a morbid gothic thing
and it cannot be understood until it has taken place
Yet here in the fading shadows I can still hear our hearts sing
remembering the wonder of holding your beautiful face
Top
T o C
#1915
2FEB22
I lost your ring for a couple of hours yesterday
was trying to just accept it in stride but felt so bad
Thought of sifting through dirt under the house all of today
and thought it was just one new thing for which I would be sad
Then as I got undressed for bed I heard it hit the floor
were you here making sure it was stuck somewhere in my clothes
The new rule is I do not wear it to work any more
because the last thing I need to do is add to my throes
Top
T o C
#1916
3FEB22
More work on the crawl space and I met the rabbit eye to eye
he gets in where the old owner started fires by the step
A week or so from digging that way so I can say goodbye
have the slingshot I gave you but do not want to be a schlep
Not sure if I can finish this year but giving it a try
turning sixty in May and I might be too old for this shit
All of it is just more stuff so I do not sit here and cry
live so much closer to tears than I am willing to admit
Top
T o C
#1917
4FEB22
Sometimes just a kiss when I got home is all we shared
but when the work days were long that was all I needed
Oh there was so much strength in just knowing that you cared
all my hopes for a wonderful life had succeeded
Top
T o C
#1918
5FEB22
The dining room set the rugs and your smoking rocker went to the dump today
looks like The God Dam Cigar Room will be a nursery in the spring
Guess I am slowly learning that things cannot take any more of you away
that if I listen quietly to my heart I can hear our love sing
Top
T o C
#1919
6FEB22
Had trouble sleeping last night was the dump run too soon
two years has passed and it does look nice with no rugs on the floors
Like the house seems my heart with pieces of you is strewn
and will it always be so hard to part with things that were yours
Top
T o C
#1920
7FEB22
It is almost Valentine's and the fall decor is still on full display
it is "supposed" to go in the fall tote and be stored for future use
Like the Easter things beside the drier on the porch where so far they stay
some days it seems so nonchalant then other days it is like a noose
Two years later I play house alone but just because what must be must be
this castle is haunted by whispers that its Queen is forever gone
I am told that there is a world full of options that my heart cannot see
and so I take all this love you left me and alone I do move on
Top
T o C
#1921
8FEB22
Getting a LOT done in and under the house this lay off season
and I have even thrown out or used most of the two year old food
I guess a lot of it needs to be done but you are the reason
though I am alone all I do by your love has been imbued
Top
T o C
#1922
9FEB22
I could not have asked for anything better than you gave
and I could not have wanted anything more than you were
Now years later I wonder if both of us came to save
but there is still no doubt about "the one" and you are her
Top
T o C
#1923
10FEB22
I appologized for not getting the truck while you were here yesterday
was going into Lowes for supplies when I heard the words spoken out loud
Oh I am sure there would be something about the climb you would have to say
but I can imagine you putting on your seatbelt and looking so proud
Top
T o C
#1924
11FEB22
Got a LONG way to go to be half the homemaker you were
but thank you for the example of doing what must be done
I just live with the empty that echoes from you as my her
coming to terms with living in a world that has not my one
Top
T o C
#1925
12FEB22
There is a big part of me that just sees I woke up alone
so I have to feed the gratitude that I did find "the one"
Remembering the years that were gifts of the love that was shown
that the blessing of you means more than anything I have done
Top
T o C
#1926
13FEB22
So it is a day early but you will always be my Valentines
I still have no idea why you loved a pitiful man like me
But I do know when it comes to heart there is nothing logic confines
and that the years spent with you were the best years that ever could be
Top
T o C
#1927
14FEB22
Happy Valentines Baby so sorry we are not on a ship
this Sunday is twenty-five months and only the surface is scratched
Another morning with this bitter cup and time to take a sip
although it no longer seems that the breath from my has been snatched
I have no visible scars but I left the land of the living
bought a new truck and work on our house but the fire is long gone
Time is not a doctor for me and my grief is unforgiving
so I stand alone against the wind of destiny and press on
Top
T o C
#1928
15FEB22
I cannot help but think of you as I get closer to the back door
we lived without it for quite some time not needing emergency use
Using it to hang sheets on the line will just help me enjoy it more
but as like all else I have no idea what feelings it might cut loose
Top
T o C
#1929
16FEB22
So I guess in the nomenclature you prefered I like digging up bones
as I lived with no plans of a future so I came upon this alone
My sensitive heart uses one of your photo stands to store our old phones
although I let it be free I do try to keep it from turning to stone
Top
T o C
#1930
17FEB22
I miss you so much it feels like I will explode
not sure at all I want to be part of a world with no you
I'm sorry I let you go with so much love owed
I suppose that is always the way it feels when love is true
Top
T o C
#1931
18FEB22
Some emotionally heavy days may have seemed to drag slowly by
but another winter's end is counting down as I catch up to you
I have not reached the goals I set but I know that my ambitions lie
like I know warm thoughts of loving you are the thoughts that carry me through
Top
T o C
#1932
19FEB22
Need a D. O. T. physical gotta do taxes don't all of them know
my guess is it is about empathy training giving compassion a chance
Kind of funny that is seems so much easier living through exquisite throe
but the universe in its relentless is going to teach me how to dance
I guess I missed the power of your example as you touched each on your way
but I can see the results in your childrens' wonderful each time that we meet
So I see again that "Thank you" is pretty much all that I should have to say
there is so much joy in knowing that for a moment with you I was complete
Top
T o C
#1933
20FEB22
Just got the Caddy fixed and two dash lights are already on
we took it to Jersey a few times but should I let it go
I know I could keep it "forever" yet still you would be gone
but only on the outside unless something is moving slow
Top
T o C
#1934
21FEB22
Another Monday in February but a week past the painful one
a plastic coil on your wedding ring because it twice slipped off and got lost
Southern neighbors are counting days to garden while I think of blizzard fun
The God Dan Cigar Room is now for flowers but each dream has its own cost
Don't know how spring tulips and daffodils will fair but I'll give it a try
knowing the ones you left are still there brings me more joy than I knew it could
You got me so good that with years gone you are still the apple of my eye
and my heart still feels full of love for you just the way that I think it should
Top
T o C
#1935
22FEB22
Two plus years later and still I haven't much of a plan
daffodil and tulip bulbs and tubers from last year to plant
It seems like the lesser of two evils or better than
am not even sure whay wish I would want a genie to grant
Alone in our paradise by the pond thinking of you
payments and fees and a season of paving coming up soon
But out in your gardens is where the important I do
just Mother Nature and I bonding where your ashes were strewn
Top
T o C
#1936
23FEB22
I wonder sometimes what you would have me do but it all comes back
you just wanted your hugs not too long and kisses when I got in
It seems your best days were when it was warm and I was in the Mack
or those last days before a vacation was about to begin
I think of those last two cruises when I just had a picture frame
and if I did not HAVE to leave this house I doubt I would have gone
Oh I met great folk and the ship was posh but it was not the same
thank you for being such a worthy Queen to lay devotion on
Top
T o C
#1937
24FEB22
It still amazes me to see how much you fanned my desire
whether it was for a kiss for a trip or work out by the dam
You just walked into my darkness and you set my soul on fire
and I cannot thank you enough today for the man that I am
Top
T o C
#1938
25FEB22
I get to the last page of a journal which will make the desk drawer full
and I cannot help but wonder how long I should continue to write
My guess seems to be as long as I breathe and feel inspiration's pull
hindsight seems to reveal that life has prepared me for this loving plight
Top
T o C
#1939
26FEB22
Started another journal of poetry to you today
there is no end game design just like the way you and I were
Getting close to the time of year to set up gardens for play
so the long hours at work and the watering flowers blur
Tulips and daffodils are featured on the menu this year
although I believe they were supposed to be planted last fall
These haphazard plans of mine are never really all too clear
but it is as if I hear the ashes in the gardens call
Top
T o C
#1940
27FEB22
Part of living here has been this dungeon project I invented
but I now feel the full weight of not having your inspiration
Just trying to create new reasons has me disoriented
wonder if I will ever come to terms with your abdication
Top
T o C
#1941
28FEB22
I got nineteen years with you and I was just starting
to see how relaxed you were when you were in your place
I suppose one hundred would not prepare for parting
I know I could spend a thousand looking at your face
It seems as if not moving on is mentally ill
I am looking for asylum from this war with grief
Oh and part of me could get lost wishing for a pill
this heart that longs to be with you just screams for relief
Top
T o C
#1942
1MAR22
Just one month until I can start your tulips and daffodils
and I guess I should be deciding which seeds this year to try
Am so grateful for this gardening and the peace it instills
for the beautiful flowers that grow where your ashes lie
Top
T o C
#1943
2MAR22
We spring ahead in less than two weeks and boy I miss that smile
there is still snow upon the ground but it will soon disappear
I feel you as if yesterday but it has now been a while
soon I can start the flowers for your gardens and hope for summer cheer
Top
T o C
#1944
3MAR22
Coming to the end of a ten year plus project that I started down under
the world was a much better place when I could come in at the day's end to you
Putting all poetry projects aside this could well be my biggest blunder
at least in the depths of this encompassing lonely it is something to do
So it seems that yesterday's mistake can easily be today's salvation
that the inspiration from the love of another does work for one's own good
And that the echo of love can be heard in each moment of dedication
that true love lives on in the heart just the way that it always knew that it would
Top
T o C
#1945
4MAR22
It's up to eighteen degrees already not that you would be thrilled
gonna pour a footing and call it a weekend I am so beat
Miss those winter days when you just turned on the computer and chilled
but always a kiss or attention was accepted as a treat
Top
T o C
#1946
5MAR22
So I am getting another dining room set almost exactly like yours
much lighter in tone and Bonnie is selling so it seems the perfect deal
Reading and writing alone at the table is so much like my befores
with so much of your love left in my heart your being gone will never be real
Top
T o C
#1947
6MAR22
Dalton got me a "Smash Poetry Journal" for Christmas it may be time to use
still making his Meme proud as he becomes an outstanding and loving young man
But sorrow seeps into even the edges of trying to find another muse
so I make up lies about what you would want and hope to believe then so I can
Maybe lies is a little bit harsh as you spent your best years inspiring him
and I know nothing of aether world ways so maybe you still are my muse now
Do any of us really know who had a hand in putting wings upon a whim
or if those who left us long ago can still give us help along our way somehow
Top
T o C
#1948
7MAR22
Sometimes it is simply not having your imput on day to day decisions
so it could just be the horrible of no longer sharing my life with you
You were my final answer so I am lost here trying to make revisions
old dreams and chores are keeping me busy until I can decide what to do
Top
T o C
#1949
8MAR22
So baby steps got me a new dining set and one picture off the wall
shortly the eight month blur in the Mack will drop me that much further away
Those tedious days do have a knack of muffling a broken heart's call
oh but there awaits the forever longing alone at the end of the day
Top
T o C
#1950
9MAR22
I am going to meet my new doctor because it is what I should do
am gonna climb back into Bob's Mack because it is like all I have done
But it all seems like some bland aftermath of my being in love with you
fortunately our families try to make sure I keep on having fun
Putting all my eggs in one basket is not the only rule that I broke
but once I set my eyes upon you it seems that all else just turned to blur
The gardening alone shows that not all of my hopes have gone up in smoke
planting and tending symbolizes the care it took to be what we were
Top
T o C
#1951
10MAR22
Meeting the new doctor was so relaxed and she asked to see pictures of you
please do not let me hold you from moving on with my delay
I understand that when this is all over I will have to leave this world too
and it would be so awesome if you were there to lead the way
Top
T o C
#1952
11MAR22
Sometimes it seems as if I push through anxiety to write a poem
but you did not even show fear axcept on a hospital bed
Without you here it is hard to even think of this place as a home
yet silently in mourning I can let you fill my heart and head
Top
T o C
#1953
12MAR22
So the doctor gave me a cholesterol pill and said my lungs need a scan
the big six-oh is looming just a couple months away without our song
As I stumble into another gardening season having no plan
while continuing to pretend without my Queen I can even be strong
Top
T o C
#1954
13MAR22
I stayed up WAY too late then the clock sprung
game night with my "kids" has been such a blessing
Still navigating this world with your bell rung
saved by the tedious chores that are pressing
Karaoke one or two more times till fall
but I think I will give Moody Blues a rest
I foresee longer days and your gardens' call
and so grateful that you gave to me your best!
Top
T o C
#1955
14MAR22
This crazy tax bill reminds me that more attention should be paid
like the warming weather tells me to get grow lights and get them hung
Watching you tend flowers is but one of the memories we made
so much beauty in the haphazard way your love of life was strung
Top
T o C
#1956
15MAR22
Thank you for showing me the simple and constant of care
am trying to learn how to treat Tom the way that you did
Of course nothing can even come close to you being there
and it seems that you were the ego and I was the id
Top
T o C
#1957
16MAR22
The day light lasts longer and the weather is calling for flowers
as I remember your giddy at the warmth of spring and its green
I had no idea I could get lost in your gardens for hours
healing the broken allowing the loving and all in between
Top
T o C
#1958
17MAR22
I am trying to embrace this life you left me when you went away
tonight is the final karaoke of a partial season's end
The pandemic residue on a few occasions got in the way
and the broken world it left behind seems to be morphing into bend
I rush to do the things I need to do and habit my daily chores
must make more soil to start more plants for all your summer and autumn blooms
It feels like on a subliminal level my heart still loves with yours
on Saint Paddy's my thumbs are green as the gardening season resumes
Top
T o C
#1959
18MAR22
The last three days before I go to work I rush to get ready
the birds are singing and I saw some green where your daffodils grow
I put things off until I forget you win with slow and steady
but I have boxes of bulbs and tubers and many seeds to sow
Thank you for leaving this gardening blessing and pad to kneel on
thank you for sharing your love of spring in a way I can still feel
I am not sure I have yet come to terms with the fact you are gone
but I have been alone here long enough to know that it is real
Top
T o C
#1960
19MAR22
Lowes has quite the selection of Dahlias Hibiscus and so much more
started the mop and sweep of a room each morning to keep it clean
Shopping for seeds and tubers I feel like a kid in a candy store
trying to keep the house the way that you did helps to keep it serene
Top
T o C
#1961
20MAR22
Was thinking that Tuesday will be two years two months and two days
sometimes my hearts feels that my brain does not need to think so much
Maybe the best I can hope for is to function in this daze
learning to live in this pitiful skin that longs for your touch
Top
T o C
#1962
21MAR22
The Goldwing you bought for me is now gone to your son
you would LOVE the '07 I just got from Marcel
Remember the black one I gave him an eighty-one
that just broke down last fall so it all worked out quite well
Alexis just jumped right up in your seat with a smile
D-Money was busy discussing something with Dad
Don't feel it as a loss but sometimes it takes a while
mostly giving new life to "your" 'Wing makes my heart glad
Top
T o C
#1963
22MAR22
Slowly the vehicles we rode in or on together go away
and all the gardens I made for you to tend now belong to me
I wonder sometimes when I think of you if what I am doing is pray
your ashes may be in the gardens' soil but your spirit is free
Top
T o C
#1964
23MAR22
Ready to plant Hibiscus but March has more than a week left to go
have other new flowers was told were good choices but don't know what they are
Mostly I guess it is simply the best to still have these seeds to sow
feels like years I have been scrambling for cover without getting very far
Maybe exhaustion is what this heart needed as a balm for the ache
maybe you kinew ashes in gardens was a way I could feel you were close
Maybe well tended blossoms are the give for all the years of my take
and maybe this tome of wandering verses is just a poet's verbose
Top
T o C
#1965
24MAR22
The taco truck went over well although Tuesday had already passed
totally forgot your Facebook page for at least a year or so
Seems appropriate that Christmas Eve family photos would be your last
like waiting for Brenda to leave the building before you would go
You were as tough as nails till the end and I hope I can follow suit
but I am just barely learning to take care of Tom in your stead
While what you would wish and how you would feel are now apparently moot
your love fills my heart while thoughts of our together swirl in my head
Top
T o C
#1966
25MAR22
The LED lights change under your crystal and I sit mesmerized
you were so happy your eyes were squinting the day that we got married
It seems we knew right away it just took a year to get formalized
and even though you passed away the love we shared has never varied
Top
T o C
#1967
26MAR22
Thank you for making me part of the best love story I ever heard
an eighteen year honeymoon where we never even stopped holding hands
Thank you for all the echoes of laughter by which my sorrows are blurred
for leaving me with a heart full of love that comforts as it expands
Top
T o C
#1968
27MAR22
I guess Sundays are when I miss you the most
the only day during the "season" that we had
Now it's the week's poems to your volume to post
and flowers to plant so blooms can give my heart glad
Grow lights in The God Dam Cigar Room this year
and no beer cups for drowning the seeds I plant
I must restring the wind chime you loved to hear
then sedum and Baby's Breath and Phlox to transplant
Still waiting for the Daffodils to break ground
pot all the tulips because fall was too busy
If ten percent survive then joy will be found
so seeds and tubers can end my planting tizzy
I cannot forget all the Cala Lilies
you left me a far bigger project than I thought
Then there is Dalton's Salsa Garden and its Chilies
so grateful of the busy of this work I got
Top
T o C
#1969
28MAR22
Could you possibly have been born at a more appropriate time of year
the twenty-fifth of April is a great day to celebrate spring
I can feel your excitement to see all the green even with you not here
and I will remember the echo of your joy each time birds sing
Top
T o C
#1970
29MAR22
Another season starts to roll with early days already
spring seems far away today at only seventeen degrees
Remembering advice from long ago of slow and steady
trying to find a heart space between grief's melt and stoic freeze
Top
T o C
#1971
30MAR22
A career must be a blessing from above as the distraction seems to heal
appropriate that mine did not "take off" until you had come into my heart
Here in the afterglow of our celebration of love I ask what is real
stumbling in the darkness of my grief I ask the universe for my part
I try not to envy the confidence you had in knowing your world was right
yet just living next to that peace of mind made my life such a wonderful place
I feel your love alive in my heart even though you no longer are in sight
giving thanks to the Creator for allowing me such an amazing grace
Top
T o C
#1972
31MAR22
There is only a frost or two in the next ten days so spring has sprung
just two of fifty Daffodils broke ground in the nursery so far
Work and gardening have not got crazy yet but the season is young
I sit here alone in the morning and wonder where and how you are
Is there something else we can learn together and how would it be done
the love we share seems far too strong to just disappear with your passing
Would the universe really take us apart after making us one
or is the way home a sequence of lives spent with this love amassing
Top
T o C
#1973
1APR22
A couple weeks from family Easter and plans are being made
got the spnankopita on order with my gourmet friend
To watch your children and grand children celebrate the life you made
is but one of the wonders you left that help my heart to mend
Top
T o C
#1974
2APR22
There is an extra dining room chair that sits empty by the bed
this morning it holds the quilts and comforter while I wash flannel sheets
Today the thought of you sitting there at night popped into my head
and wondered if you are stuck waiting until our dance of love repeats
Today just might hit fifty degrees so the sheets go on the line
with memories of your excitement talking about how they would smell
Though I do not want to go back I am so grateful you were mine
and grateful for all of the ways you helped so that I now can be well
Top
T o C
#1975
3APR22
Each day I sit here the same as the almost ten years before
only my Baby is not sleeping in the room down the hall
So all of the little things that loving you made seem so sure
have all vanished leaving me here with no confidence at all
This could be why I wait for the gardening to start again
plant bulbs in spring and cow compost Dahlias and all crazy stuff
This year's more perennials to lower labor increase zen
yet because they are your gardens I can never do enough
Top
T o C
#1976
4APR22
Looks like springs weather with April showers are par for the week
daffodils are breaking ground in the nursery more each day
Not sure if my planting them in spring has made their outlook bleak
but if they do not return next year I will try the right way
Many will have to go across the dam down along the stream
one hundred bulbs just proves insane as I try to honor you
It is quite obvious that you were the balance in our team
as it seems I always pick the flamboyant thing to do
Top
T o C
#1977
5APR22
I imagine you shaking your head at my crazy and remember your sane
you must have had a lot of grains of salt to stay calm living with me
It is funny how precious hindsight can make of our many moments mundane
or is it sad how mundane our vision makes precious moments we see
Mostly I miss the warmth that filled my heart knowing that my day would end with you
knowing that in not too long we would be honeymooning once again
There was something in your belief in me that made a dream of work I do
and now I dream of how your love took such good care of me way back when
Top
T o C
#1978
6APR22
My whole world went crazy when you went away
then there was a plague and capitalism tightened its grip
So it seems out of balance is the new way
and I stumble along wholly alone trying not to trip
Top
T o C
#1979
7APR22
I did not know that more than two years later I would still be watching my heart die
once upon a time I thought I knew what sadness was but I had had just a taste
Yesterday while sitting at the computer I found that all I could do was cry
but stronger than all of that in my heart is the warmth of the love that you there placed
Top
T o C
#1980
8APR22
Saturday paving is starting this week as are the showers of spring
it almost feels like you are still down the hall but I know you are not
Sometimes all I can do is sit in your spot listening to birds sing
thankful for all of the wonderful memories of loving you that I have got
Top
T o C
#1981
9APR22
Early in the morning with open journal I turn your crystal on
thinking about poem number five thousand six hundred and sixty-two
And wondering if my heart will still be quaking because you are gone
when on my seventieth birthday I sit and write a poem to you
Top
T o C
#1982
10APR22
The nursery is not big enough for all the flowers I would grow
and the yard already is too full to take the many planned
Another year without a honeymoon or beautiful bride to know
though I am not moving far I am starting to learn to stand
Across the dam and down the stream will be a lot prettier next year
if the bulbs I did not plant last fall survive until next spring
Then Dahlia tubers new and old with their plate-sized autumn blossoms dear
here along the water's edge where once I was a lucky king
Top
T o C
#1983
11APR22
Memories of you playing "Break the Ice" (?) at your baby's first Easter fly
and you watching the grandchildren with mouth pieces playing "Speak Out" (?)
I have the saddest hopes of getting through the day without having to cry
for joy has always been what your family's reunions are about
Top
T o C
#1984
12APR22
Each day I sweep and mop a room before I leave
having a clean house is a gift to myself you taught me how to give
You still inspire the best in me I believe
so that long after your leaving you are still teaching me how to live
Top
T o C
#1985
13APR22
Got off work early yesterday and rebuilt your garden wall
and hopes are harbored to start the concrete walkway to the dam
Have bulbs and seeds and tubers and a nursery for them all
but you know the plans that I can make and you know how I am
Top
T o C
#1986
14APR22
Not sure how I will get all the flowers planted on the list
but I want your gardens to be a beautiful memorial for you
It is such a comforting way for me to show that you are missed
when I do not let myself get overwhelmed with all that there is to do
Top
T o C
#1987
15APR22
I get a notice from town hall and see that they do not care
that my heart is missing you and it is hard to catch my breath
There are these vehicles to register and money goes there
there was that widow who gave me your certificates of death
Should I frame one like a graduation though I am not proud
except of you of course making us laugh with your final words
The intimate of your quiet way can echo now so loud
as your joy of spring still soothes my heart when I hear singing birds
Top
T o C
#1988
16APR22
Adding to your Daffodils hoping just to be able to keep track
waiting to see if rabbits killed your Asian Lilies or just stunted last year's growth
Tulip bulbs go into pots just two weeks from May with my out of whack
with a hundred bulbs together the garden across the dam will have tons of both
The energy of my yearning is satiated a little bit
but it comes from the same well of eternity that planted seeds of love we had
This loneliness tells me the universe gave permission to our split
while this breath from God that I am breathing says there is a lot more to this than sad
Top
T o C
#1989
17APR22
Two plus years later there are still lockdowns from the plague after your leaving
this Easter seems mostly normal except for untouched boxes out on the porch
I still get up and journal and turn on your crystal but is that grieving
our love lit up the darkness and as long as I live I will carry that torch
Top
T o C
#1990
18APR22
Another great celebration of family was hosted by your youngest son
of course a whole lot of the preparation was done by Jeanine
The sky spit snow though it was halfway blue yet the fire and cornhole were such fun
then late at night on the computer I again said goodbye to my Queen
Top
T o C
#1991
19APR22
Today I sweep and mop the bedroom because I guess I like it clean
without a list of daily chores the house was a disaster last year
Still have not got to the dusting I was going to do in between
my expertise at accumulating messes seems to be quite clear
There is still dirt from last winter's digging and some rocks out in the yard
but all the new Daffodils that sprouted have been put into the ground
The nursery is now full of Tulips but I can't say it was hard
of course by the time it is full of Hibiscus new spots must be found
The Dahlias are the next to be started and then tended until fall
then some new perennials that Louise thought my random choice was good
I hope there will be a few spots left for annuals between them all
and a trip down to see aunt Naida and get some Daisies if I could
Then maybe next year with less ruckus I can enjoy this a bit more
hoping it will be the final spring to drag dirt across the dam
Of course I am always oblivious to what life might have in store
I wonder how many flowers into our small kingdom I can cram
Top
T o C
#1992
20APR22
This morning I open the journal and nothing comes to mind
so immediately I wonder if your volume is done
And then I have to wonder if out of sight has made me blind
or have I gotten to the place healing saw when this begun
Top
T o C
#1993
21APR22
I have no idea how to celebrate your birthday this year
but I suppose a nursery full of Tulips is a start
Besides work gardens and cleaning house the future is not clear
but thank you for the lifetime of love that you left in my heart
Top
T o C
#1994
22APR22
Watched a video of Morgan receiving an award Brenda sent in a text
I can only imagine your feelings of pride you would have for one of your own
In the progression of the grandchildren becoming adults young Dillon is next
my heart can feel the joy you would have seeing the wonderful ways they have grown
Top
T o C
#1995
23APR22
Here I am in between the dates of your passing and your birth
some of my studies suggest that we look at them in reverse
The extent of all I know is the fathomless of your worth
some days to have loved and lost seems the most dispicable curse
Top
T o C
#1996
24APR22
I remember humming the song and you pretending to be mad
I remember that laugh when something hit your funny bone
I remember how little energy you ever gave to sad
I remember all the seeds of love in me you have sown
Top
T o C
#1997
25APR22
I do not know where you have gone just that you are no longer here
your devotion to us was a joy that I can no longer receive
There are times the fire of alone seems my soul to sear
my mind knows the exact time* we ended but my heart cannot believe
*11:50 A. M. 20JAN20
Top
T o C
#1998
26APR22
As sad as it may seem your birthday was but another day alone
gratefully I was able to put the work effort you taught me into action
So often I see the ways that just by being with you I have grown
and try to ignore that the world without you has no satisfaction
Top
T o C
#1999
27APR22
Going crazy with new flowers is just the echo of head over heels
you were the answer to so many questions I did not know I had
At least now when someone mentions "true love" I know exactly how it feels
but I am confused because having that knowledge I still can be sad
Top
T o C
#2000
28APR22
I suppose the zombie appocolypse is made up of those whose hearts were ripped out
stumbling along in no apparent hurry without any true direction
But realizing that I did the ripping seems to be what all this is about
that and seeing this grief as a blessing instead of some terminal infection
Top
T o C
#2001
29APR22
I guess the flowers are because you agreed to have the gardens hold your ash
did you do that so my life would still have pretty when you were gone
Or did you just know that my heart would need direction after that blinding flash
either way it has helped me feel I honor you and to hang on
Top
T o C
#2002
30APR22
Another April quietly passes and my heart just sees that you are not here
a couple more Tulips popped and I can give the rest another week
At least the gardening and chores anchor me in the now with these memories dear
but oh for a simple touch or a moment to hear you speak
Top
T o C
#2003
1MAY22
Spent the day running loads to the street by Fenway
and the last night of another April without you slipped into sleep
These decades of quiet mornings go the same way
in between breaths that feeling of together is what my heart will keep
What is different is now that I make the bed
before I come out for coffee alone the way I have always done
And that your sweet kisses are only in my head
while I try to pretend that without my Queen I still can have fun
Top
T o C
#2004
2MAY22
I think I dread the day when what I think you would have thought has no bearing
maybe like most other worries there is little chance it will ever come to be
From the outside no one can tell it is with you this life I am sharing
maybe it is truly in perspective whether one feels that they are bound or free
Top
T o C
#2005
3MAY22
Just twenty years ago I was so happy with my new bride
it was hard to believe the joy that life had bestowed on me
I had no idea about our crazy and wonderful ride
or all the gifts of true love that your heart would help me to see
Top
T o C
#2006
4MAY22
May pull my wagon out from down under and move dirt in the rain
and take the Caddy to the new garage for its inspection
The emptiness of doing details still feels totally insane
then I'll gaze upon a Daffodil and feel our connection
Top
T o C
#2007
5MAY22
Getting ready for Mother's Day gardening is a lot harder than it looks
well now that I am almost sixty it may be harder to watch than I think
At least spreading the second yard of last year's mulch is finally in the books
and honoring you with these flowers may be more helpful than all of this ink
Top
T o C
#2008
6MAY22
Years ago the last day of our song would pass
the Mack would swallow me for summer and you would plant
Today I live with a heart not made of glass
improving on our gardens each season life does grant
Top
T o C
#2009
8MAY22
Not sure how I forgot to write yesterday between the journal and website
and it was the last text in journal while Morgan was at school
Talked with Derek yesterday about whether you would have gone on that long flight
the girls singing happy birthday from Disney was pretty cool
It seems like yesterday Morgan was one and you and I were falling in love
she is now a graduate and I plant flowers on our porch
So Tampa U got your roundabout blessing and I survived life's push and shove
and gardening has become the way that I carry our torch
Top
T o C
#2010
9MAY22
The rent now goes to a management company and is higher
but your "buddy" is president and seems to do it well
I will deny a board spot again while preaching to the choir
most of the residents are retired but it is hard to tell
Thank you for being the secretary for as long as you could
and thank you for making the life I lived better than any dream
Thank you for being by my side and acting like you understood
even now it is hard to believe how great we worked as a team
Top
T o C
#2011
10MAY22
Thinking of riding the "new" 'Wing to work soon reminds me of our rides
finding that pumpkin catapult or the trip around the mountains and the flume
I guess in memories of the joy we shared is where our love abides
scents of heart flash before my eyes when I remember you dabbing on perfume
Top
T o C
#2012
11MAY22
The last day my brother and I are the same age until next year
and the Phlox decided that yesterday was the day to bloom
I think your love of spring and the flowers you left make you feel near
I want to plant more flowers for you but I'm running out of room
Top
T o C
#2013
12MAY22
I told Jenn one hundred books on minimalist living would make a good birthday gift
she is not nearly as crazy as I am but she did get me four
The habit I have of creating clutter just gives me more stuff through which I must sift
and the project down under has given me way too much room for store
A scare crow by a pumpkin of flowers still sits across the room from me in the spring
and if it was yours and is not on display it is packed in a tote
I can understand placing a sentimental value in wearing your wedding ring
but grief run wild with all you bought or touched has turned superstitious rote
Top
T o C
#2014
13MAY22
I guess now I understand "after the thrill is gone"
thank you for choosing me and for staying until the end
It seems you were the canvas all dreams were drawn upon
but what I miss most of all is you as my best friend
Top
T o C
#2015
14MAY22
Trying to beat the holiday rush by getting more mulch today
have to hand deliver a birthday card because I forgot
Spring goes into full swing as I try to turn this yard work to play
I want to release this relentless grief but I just cannot
Top
T o C
#2016
15MAY22
Yesterday it was only eighty-five degrees but it wiped me right out
rode alone to Josh and Jenn's to deliver a card and see her new whip
Not sure what to do when sharing with you was what my joy was all about
but if I take your example I should just relax and enjoy the trip
Top
T o C
#2017
16MAY22
Acting as if I can live on my own feels so far from real
but the record shows that you are long gone and I am still here
I guess it is my heart that does not know just quite how to feel
sometimes the loneliness gets so hot it seems my soul to sear
Top
T o C
#2018
17MAY22
Another morning where I sit and wonder how I live without my Queen
this morning texts started early and work has reached cruising speed
The website became "dangerous" yesterday and to me that is obscene
because of my ignorance IT help has become a need
Top
T o C
#2019
18MAY22
The insanity of this world seems to make me crazy
of course the crazy of living without you is totally insane
It's hard to tell if I am too busy or lazy
the fact that I needed you leading the way has never been more plain
Top
T o C
#2020
19MAY22
"How do I live without you" echoes in my mind
I go to work and plant your gardens like a dream
Without his Queen it seems as if this man is blind
at this empty celebration that has no theme
Top
T o C
#2021
20MAY22
The park rent went up fifteen a month and I imagine your ten extra a week
memory and imagination is where you have moved and I try to keep visits short
As work and the gardens both pick up the pace I wonder where for comfort to seek
knowing all along that a nap on the recliner will take me to that peaceful resort
Top
T o C
#2022
21MAY22
My heart can feel you love me but my eyes cannot see you here
sometimes it feels like photographs are a curse not a blessing
The whispers of simple things you said seem to echo most clear
leaving me with this sacred feeling that has no expressing
Top
T o C
#2023
22MAY22
I once thought Poetry Palace was what verse was all about
I wrote like a madman practicing for perfect with my fail
Thirteen years later you answered "I have whispered I did shout"
forty-one years with pen and paper I found my holy grail
Top
T o C
#2024
23MAY22
It is kind of awkward living here long after losing the "one"
but if I remember correctly it was awkward when you held my hand
The weekend's forecast looks just right for all sorts of gardening fun
we will see how many of the flowers I can get planted that were planned
Top
T o C
#2025
24MAY22
I remember your dread of a trip to Maine but you did go
it looks like scheduling could make Saturday's trip for me alone
Discomfort or regret seems to be the choice I just don't know
I suppose this is how the quilt of what we call destiny is sewn
Top
T o C
#2026
25MAY22
I wake up and am glad to be alive and realize it is from you
the simple joys you taught me to embrace each day
There is still much to add from your example to the daily things I do
while keeping alive your contagious urge to play
Top
T o C
#2027
26MAY22
"It's all just a ruse to help me forget missing you" was the end of today's journal entry
sometimes the truth just jumps out and slaps me in the face like some self-righteous friar
Sometimes I miss you so much that forgetting is just what my heart needs to have for a sentry
as it ebbs between the ice cold of lonely and the longing for you and its fire
Top
T o C
#2028
27MAY22
The great landscaping weekend is about to start and I am ready
maybe I can create the Hibiscus garden along the fence behind the shed
I suppose I could find pix on Facebook that show the slow and steady
and I like to believe the love that you left in my heart puts ideas in my head
Top
T o C
#2029
28MAY22
Last night again the sadness of it all wrapped its claws around my heart
thinking I am stronger than I am I let it romance me with pain
Sometimes I wonder if I have a choice or just fight against my part
yet the gifts you gave are far greater still than all grief's torrential rain
Top
T o C
#2030
29MAY22
It is hard to believe that Morgan is a grown woman now
Dillon and Adan are getting big but the girls were not there
And it has gotten easier to talk about you somehow
though I might be a third wheel just rolling in seems I do not care
Top
T o C
#2031
30MAY22
I had planned on planting the Dahlias yesterday but I did not
though I got the Subaru from the garage and parked the truck
I am up early to get the gardening done before it's hot
not sure if flowers are all I can do or if I am stuck
Top
T o C
#2032
31MAY22
So the third May without my Baby passes me by
knowing so little of gardening I planted bulbs in the spring
Only once I remember wallowing until cry
and now it is watering your gardens and watching blossoms sing
Top
T o C
#2033
1JUN22
Sometimes I wonder what you left for me and what I chose
and sometimes I wonder if there is any truth to either one
Love we shared is in a heart with a door that will not close
which reminds me that beyond all else we were always having fun
Top
T o C
#2034
2JUN22
Not too many Daffodils this spring makes me think I should water more
the hotest day of landscape weekend is the one when I chose to plant
While making it beautiful for you is what I am doing it for
there are moments at day's end when simply seeing the blooms can enchant
Top
T o C
#2035
3JUN22
I will miss posting a poem because of being up at the lake
but Chris would not accept the excuses I had not to go
I try to move on but there is only so much my heart can take
I have such little desire this world without you to know
Top
T o C
#2036
4JUN22
I wake up away from home but my thoughts return to you
it does seem sometimes that the gaps get bigger with time
In some way or other your affect touches all I do
each tick and tock makes moving away less of a crime
Top
T o C
#2037
5JUN22
I do not want to live within a cloud of sadness but you are gone
I think the empty is most prevalent when I wake or go to sleep
These memories of loving you seem to be all to which I am drawn
and I am grateful for the days that those memories keep me from weep
Top
T o C
#2038
6JUN22
I try to use our old return address labels for birthday cards
I do not even know if they are appreciated or not
But it is part of the world I put together from the shards
and I may order more when I have used the ones I have got
It is not as if I could spend any more time thinking of you
and I just put your ring back on the crystal for another week
But I try to do the things that I think I am supposed to do
looking for angles that do not make this world alone look bleak
Top
T o C
#2039
7JUN22
I do not know why you believed in me but it sure was nice
you did not explain your faith but it showed up in action each day
I wish you had given me a little more of your advice
but I can hear your echo of "if it was meant to be" today
Top
T o C
#2040
8JUN22
Twenty-seven and a half hours the first two days of this week
sitting surrounded by the things you thought should decorate our home
Remembering how just a simple kiss could make my knees grow weak
how much more attached can I become to each flag or garden gnome
Top
T o C
#2041
9JUN22
A lot of rain days this year and an Hibiscus garden to build
ten years ago we moved to the pond and I tried to make it nice
With almost eight of those years the memories that we made were filled
so gardening in your absence is not such a terrible price
Top
T o C
#2042
10JUN22
I do not think I have survivor's guilt but this does not feel so well
making better gardens is not really something that I do for you
If finding you was heaven then living in your echo is my hell
but gardening in your ashes does provide a way to get me through
Top
T o C
#2043
11JUN22
It seems there is nothing left here but slowly fading shadows of us
and all the beautiful lessons you taught me about how we should live
Maybe it is down to the grieving in process without all the fuss
and maybe all this verse is not what I've gotten but what I can give
Top
T o C
#2044
12JUN22
Sunday morning doing the dishes and washing your black stove
behind again on gardening just seems a seasonal thing
Looking for hints from you on what to do in my treasure trove
so glad it is Sunday and I can put on your wedding ring
Top
T o C
#2045
13JUN22
There may be too many flowers to fit in the gardens I made
there are still annuals to purchase and a bag full of last year's seed
Is it a festival of colors with which my farewell is bade
or does the overflow from this heart full of your love make it a need
Top
T o C
#2046
14JUN22
I ran out of tripple "A" batteries so your crystal has no light
the ring you left sits atop it like a halo on a piece of felt
So many of your pictures surround me you are never far from sight
simply remembering times we spent together this heart still can melt
Top
T o C
#2047
15JUN22
Was sharing my hopes of nursery starters with you in the journal a minute ago
all of these moments early in the day added up to a split second of feeling near
From finding recesses of your love in my heart to experiencing grief and its throe
the aftermath of our living in love cannot be the same but I am finding it dear
Top
T o C
#2048
16JUN22
The Rhododendron by the front window is now nothing but stump
better was done with the one we planted but it is not pretty
The butterflies you put in my stomach seem now to be a lump
good thing I know I would drown in that tempting pool of self-pity
Top
T o C
#2049
17JUN22
Looking for reasons is confusing when my Baby is gone
for loving you put higher value on all that I would do
Point of mootness invades my daily as I try to move on
and loving you is sometimes still the reason that I get through
Top
T o C
#2050
18JUN22
Seems I should water my annuals on Father's Day but none are in the ground
seems obscene it has been two years and five months of us being apart
Seems you completed my life and I now know not where my solace can be found
seems though the callous and course of the tick and tock cannot touch my heart
Top
T o C
#2051
19JUN22
Yesterday I bought batteries to light up your crystal at the grocery store
today I relight your crystal and put on the ring you left before calling Dad
Last night was Father's day pizza with Jenn and Josh and then playing CATAN some more
today I update your volume of poems adding pictures of the joy that you had
A decade ago we were getting ready for the final stage of that big move
you were busy deciding where things would go and choosing colors for your new walls
I had a yard with decades of neglect and not a single clue how to improve
just two lovers living beside the water listening to Blue Herons' calls
Top
T o C
#2052
20JUN22
Had the axe swinging on roots trying to finish the newest garden
not nearly as much got done as I had wanted
Again with one of my incomplete projects and begging your pardon
it seems the sppropriate way to be haunted
Top
T o C
#2053
21JUN22
Yesterday morning was a very cold motorcycle ride but it was fun
today is the first day of summer as we build toward weekend's hot
I do not know where this verse is leading me just that it is not nearly done
but I know each memory of you is the best that I have got
Top
T o C
#2054
22JUN22
It was as if I was living the dream and a nightmare took over
then a plague came that was a dream when compared to capitalistic pent
When you set your sights on me I was living out my "Crimson and Clover"
and the crazy of this world merely echoes the sadness of mourning's lent
Top
T o C
#2055
23JUN22
Another wave of heat is on its way
watering the gardens daily will begin
I think of you while in your gardens play
so in the fall it's Dahlia blooms for the win
Top
T o C
#2056
24JUN22
It does not seem possible to have such a love as ours end
maybe the truth is that the whole world is made up of lies
But that would just mean that the love that we had was but pretend
yet it would explain the beautiful dream I saw with these eyes
Top
T o C
#2057
25JUN22
There is part of my spirit that wants to fly free of this cage I let grief build
but my heart feels that mourning has no adjourning and in forget love will die
So my brain feeling useless just wonders if there might be a widowers' guild
sense are baffled that in absence you still can be the apple of my eye
Top
T o C
#2058
26JUN22
It feels like I am just going through the motions of a life
even though ninety percent of my days have not even changed
That ten percent was the apex of recharging with my wife
alone I cannot quite get things the way you had them arranged
Top
T o C
#2059
27JUN22
This love we shared does not seem to be able to die
is it the same feeling one has on the other side?
Though I could not fail to notice I no longer cry
does "till death do us part" make you no longer my bride?
Top
T o C
#2060
28JUN22
For a second when we saw eye to eye
I missed the message that you tried to give
Not knowing it would be our last goodbye
I would remember as long as I live
Why did I not blow a kiss as we did
or just sit down and kiss your precious hand
It was as if in confusion love hid
and it is yet here alone I still stand
Top
T o C
#2061
29JUN22
I am still surrounded by the things you hung upon the walls
sometimes it still feels like you are asleep in the other room
My heart still hears the echo of your love as to me it calls
but I miss the joy of your waking up our dance to resume
Top
T o C
#2062
30JUN22
Fourteen hours in the Mack and I missed a little sleep
but nothing like the hug and kiss that greeted me in wonder years
It is the comforts of our love that I would like to reap
and the echo of your voice that I would have fall upon my ears
Top
T o C
#2063
1JUL22
Having a vegetarian breakfast here in the summer of twenty-two
and I do hope you are not still waiting for me to go back to eating meat
Of course there would be no hesitation if I could but split a steak with you
but the embrace might be eternal if ever again we should get to meet
Top
T o C
#2064
2JUL22
It is the holiday weekend so I turn on your crystal and put on your ring
and turn to the wall of pictures of all the honeymoons that together we took
I know that some day soon when I am gone too none of these tokens will mean a thing
but while I remain there is more than enough love spilling from us to write a book
Top
T o C
#2065
3JUL22
I do miss convincing you that you should take a trip to Maine
part of the tradition was seeing you sleep in the back seat
I do not know if your being gone just adds to my insane
or just makes my lack of faith in this world's illusions complete
Top
T o C
#2066
4JUL22
Today is a celebration of when America's freedom was gained
and I have thirty flowers that in your gardens I shall plant
More than two years ago I discovered emptiness and it has remained
and I do not even know if I won't move on or I can't
Top
T o C
#2067
5JUL22
Yesterday I planted thirty flowers in the ground
and saw two big snakes while getting water from the dam
Seems the Fourth is when your gardens with color are crowned
I try to be earlier but you know how I am
Top
T o C
#2068
6JUL22
Not sure why none of the Hibiscus, Aquilegia, or Coneflowers sprouted
not that there was room for that many more
Maybe it's a reminder that the crown jewels the Dahlias should not be flouted
sure are more flowers then ever before
Is this really a way to honor you or just a way to come into my own
my life just seems better thinking of you
Bottom line is I am but tending all the seeds that in our together were sown
and our love inspires all that I do
Top
T o C
#2069
7JUL22
Thirty-three hours into a fast and I am only hungry for you
it is not like you brought major direction just vacation and get things done
Long days of busy at work leaves so little time for anything to do
and I miss the way you could make even a small stolen moment so much fun
Top
T o C
#2070
8JUL22
I forget how exhausted I am till I am getting water from the pond
then I spend a moment with each flower that in your ashes does grow
Reremembering that I have no idea where you are in the great beyond
yet ever grateful I was there to receive love you had to bestow
Top
T o C
#2071
9JUL22
With billions of people and eons of time you are my lottery win
and I along with children and grandchildren are love's echo that you left
Am trying to perpetuate the peace we had in loneliness's din
while time impersonating a doctor seems only to be here for theft
Top
T o C
#2072
10JUL22
Six lines into the morning poem and i just exed it out
of the almost nine hundred attempts that now is the first
One might think that by now I would know what this is about
but maybe it is just keeping me from dying of thirst
Top
T o C
#2073
11JUL22
Broke some petals on some plastic flower solar lights
saw the rust on the metal owls and frogs and flowers
Maybe I can do some painting on long winter nights
while time tricks me into thinking healing as it sours
But I have remembered that gardens are made for toys
and maybe that shopping is meant to be part of the fun
I see how little I know of your gardening joys
that your teaching me how to really play had just begun
Top
T o C
#2074
12JUL22
It seems that this busy of the season is what helped me get through
along with the insane and the empty that came with the plague
Today that same busy seems to be dragging me further from you
and twisting the memories of love that we shared into vague
Top
T o C
#2075
13JUL22
Long days come to an end with me running pails of water from the pond
the last round in the nursery failing may have put a crimp in my style
Wondered last night if I should name these flowers to which I have grown fond
when each one you left blooms again in the spring it is like seeing your smile
Top
T o C
#2076
14JUL22
The rain is falling on gardens I watered last night
the Hosta reaches out to touch me as I walk by
The phlox are all green and full with no flowers in sight
finally spending our gardening time without cry
Top
T o C
#2077
15JUL22
The washer is aggitated but that certainly does not make me mad
as long before dawn on Friday I try to get some shores done
I think of your "all day" doing laundry and the memory makes me glad
the insane world around us never stopped us from having fun
Have not missed a sweep and mop this week but today my time is running short
climbing in the Mack at five A. M. sure takes its toll on me
Although I cannot let being busy my responsibilities thwart
I may have to learn to just let some of my disorder be
Top
T o C
#2078
16JUL22
Watching your crystal change colors from a glimpse of a day decades ago
on a mid-July Saturday out of the Mack with some yard work to do
Breathing in the shadow of a fantasy love once allowed me to know
and wondering what I am supposed to do on this planet without you
Top
T o C
#2079
17JUL22
Sometimes I miss you most when I do things that you never did
and sometimes I find comfort just sliding on your wedding ring
And I remember that you taught me to play just like a kid
but I remember most of all feeling like I was a king
Top
T o C
#2080
18JUL22
Still working on the Hibiscus garden still hoping some seeds will grow
guess the heat of July hits hard this week after a Monday of rain
Still trying to find how to live in a world I did not want to know
using the gardens and cleaning the house to relieve some of the pain
Top
T o C
#2081
19JUL22
Another birthday card goes in the mail to keep up your tradition
while "thank you" sometimes seems to be the only thing that I can say
It almost feels as if I am living here without your permission
apparently it is the price an insane world would have me pay
Top
T o C
#2082
20JUL22
I guess breathing in and breathing out hides some internal stuff
for I cannot explain how I survived this sudden isolation
Or grief just helps to turn a blind eye when heart has had enough
of reaching out to no one there with all of true love's dedication
I remember serving coffee and pie then watching you nap
not knowing that the end was near and just trying to give you your space
Oh that ignorant bliss of not seeing this terrible gap
that gifted our last together moments with all of the love of its grace
Top
T o C
#2083
21JUL22
Two and a half years without you slid by without tears
and I remembered how blessed I was to bring this sad
Surely there should be celebration for nineteen years
and the comfort we were given by the love we had
If it is a puzzle of lifetimes that we all make
in order for the "dream within a dream" to release
Then I am forever grateful for this lifetime's sake
how you changed my nightmare living into joy and peace
Top
T o C
#2084
22JUL22
My Dad fell and broke his hip and was in surgery yesterday
and I only feel thoughtlessly cold like I've nothing left to give
Of course I only really want to hear what you would have to say
it seems like loving you was the only way I could really live
Top
T o C
#2085
23JUL22
Yesterday in the Mack a poem idea came into my mind
probably knew I should write it down but let it slip away
How can we stay so clear in a memory that has gone blind
maybe something about watering gardens every day
My heart does it for you but my mind is not really so sure
the emotions get painful but nothing like thoughts that get cold
I do not know what this living without you might have in store
just that once upon a time I had a Queen worth more than gold
Top
T o C
#2086
24JUL22
Supposed to hit ninety-eight today and I do not want to ride
so meeting Andy and Bonnie at Murphy's for lunch just after one
It will never be quite the same as when you were sitting by my side
but it will always be a reminder of how our love had its fun
Top
T o C
#2087
25JUL22
Gonna drive the Subaru to work because it is supposed to rain
just put your ring on your crystal so that it does not get lost
"IMISS-U" on the number plate says more than I could ever explain
and I do not think that there are words that could describe this cost
Top
T o C
#2088
26JUL22
Another summer celebration is going to pass me by
you went to them alone all the time back in the day
I know I cannot push myself too hard but somehow I still try
so again I am left wondering what you would say
Top
T o C
#2089
27JUL22
Not sure how I talked myself into a new truck paid for fast
but the choice to buy was easy with your echo in my ear
I guess that one big thing you taught me is that this will not last
thank you for each kiss and "I love you" that now I hold so dear
Top
T o C
#2090
28JUL22
Nine hundred odd poems ago I began this leg of my journey
and the winds of time HAVE dulled the shrapnel from that big explosion
But I lay here still in triage on this makeshift lost love's gurney
seeming to not see much more than the loss and my heart's erosion
It may just be that I am as immature as the day we met
and that may be why the world became the playground that our love found
So this may be the time to grow although it will have no regret
for my heart was then transformed and is still by all of your love bound
Top
T o C
#2091
29JUL22
My life seems to be filling up journals to you and buying a truck
of course planting and tending the gardens is part of the plan
I believe it is more not knowing what to do than just being stuck
and maybe being uncomfortable as a simple man
Top
T o C
#2092
30JUL22
I did not want to not know what I had until it was gone
but such is the case and I am such an ordinary man
But life was a fairy tale and I am glad I was its pawn
how does a king without his Queen even formulate a plan
Top
T o C
#2093
31JUL22
Got out of work yesterday and put on your wedding ring
traded cars went shopping planted flowers and watered them all
Forgot Border Dahlias in Grey Goose glasses was a thing
only a couple more big truck payments and payoff this fall
Buy the truck you want is one of the few things that you said
but it took the side affects of the plague after you were gone
Now here I am so all alone still sleeping in our bed
not sure if I am still in the race or if I have withdrawn
Top
T o C
#2094
1AUG22
Border Dahlias decorate the table and Kelvin Floodlight greets me in the drive
baby bunnies are in the first garden which signifies that I totally lost
I clean house and display flowers so the example you set is still alive
I do not know if we will ever meet again but my heart's fingers sure are crossed
Top
T o C
#2095
2AUG22
These red and yellow Dahlias greet me at the table when I rise
reminding me of my garden adventures remembering you
After some years of watering them I have come to realize
that the love we built together is the reason for all I do
Top
T o C
#2096
3AUG22
You left and a plague changed the entire world
now global warming is changing it even more
It seems I brace for whatever may be hurled
and am haunted by ghosts of the "better before"
The Dahlias are blooming and summer is hot
there was a hiccup but work is busy again
Today I am thankful for blessings I've got
the greatest of which may be where my heart has been
Top
T o C
#2097
4AUG22
It is supposed to reach ninety-eight degrees today in the Mack
but global warming does not take up too much space in my mind
Although I don't know where I am going I try to keep on track
it's like nothing really matters but in the end what I find
Of course I pretty much only hope I find my way back to you
and I still have no idea how you saved me just that you did
Fresh cut Dahlias decorate my life from your something to do
and the honor I give to you seems part of the pro quo quid
Top
T o C
#2098
5AUG22
Not sure how you came upon your decisions but they had all my trust
yesterday I was watering the gardens until well after dark
Now I am beginning to see why watering in May is a must
and that to follow your example I need make taking care the mark
Top
T o C
#2099
6AUG22
Well into August trying to find time to plant the rest of the flowers
not sure there are enough days left for all of this hit and miss
Carrying buckets of water are the remembering Grammy hours
and I am not sure you could have left me a more fulfilling gift than this
Top
T o C
#2100
7AUG22
Went shopping did some meal prep and visited some friends
this merry-go-round seems so much more futile alone
And this heart seems to skip so many beats while it mends
then it remembers all of the love it was shown
Top
T o C
#2101
8AUG22
So obviously my heart did not get the "until death do us part"
hindsight has shown me that your were the teacher so I could learn
How could life ever be so cruel as to cut us off at the start
and how could love ever leave me here to such a yearning's burn
Top
T o C
#2102
9AUG22
Another birthday card goes in the mail as time takes you further away
the I C U took you first although I could still sit there and hold your hand
I do not like this twisted view that says even love has a price to pay
but my love is here missing you and it knows that your love can understand
Top
T o C
#2103
10AUG22
Probably one of the things I envied about you is how calm you could be
it seems I have been an excitable boy since long before memory goes
And maybe the way my solution was always so easy for you to see
still I can only be grateful for why you would want me only Heaven knows
Top
T o C
#2104
11AUG22
It is funny how what hurts the most is what made us the best
it seems the eggs the basket and my final decision did me in
How all the kisses and whispers brought me to this empty nest
how each whisper was a miracle to my ear and each kiss to my skin
Top
T o C
#2105
12AUG22
The red and yellow Dahlias in your Grey Goose glass decorate my morning
one of the many gifts you left when you left your gardens to my care
I sometimes wonder if it was a gift that the end came without warning
as I wonder if I shall pass still unaccustomed to your not there
Top
T o C
#2106
13AUG22
I guess that echo of you sleeping just down the hall is now dim
the desk draws have journal after journal of things I wanted to say
I know there is happiness to be found but chances look so slim
and I had not realized how completely I let you lead the way
Top
T o C
#2107
14AUG22
Thank you for the fairy tale in the life that was so real
thank you for the dress up nights arm and arm on ballroom stairs
Thank you for all that you did and for all you made me feel
thank you for being my perfect Queen without royal aires
Top
T o C
#2108
15AUG22
Oh how I miss the quiet strength you used with charm and with grace
how effortlessly you paid attention to the details of the day
And how I miss that look of peace upon your beautiful face
as my heart crumbles again in the absence of the things that you would say
Top
T o C
#2109
16AUG22
Fourteen and a half hours on the first day of the week
two A. M. mocrowaving coffee all alone
So I just sit here drawing letters with my tongue in cheek
looking for our feelings but I guess they have flown
I sit and watch your picture but you never seem to move
missing you enough for both of us as I die
On Sundays I post poems and pictures with nothing to prove
and then start another week hoping not to cry
Top
T o C
#2110
17AUG22
The forecast says drizzle and not even seventy guess I take the truck
looks like Wednesday overtime and I will take the walk of strain
Still wandering aimlessly amongst the echoes of plans that ran amok
wondering how I can move forward without sharing this bane
Top
T o C
#2111
18AUG22
I did not put on all black and sprinkle ashes on my head
instead I planted flowers in your gardens and grew my hair
Still living in a crazy world where your lover can be dead
where love can fill you to the brim but in a flash is not there
Top
T o C
#2112
19AUG22
Once upon a time you saved me from myself but you are gone
yet my heart can still feel that last breath just hanging in its aire
I miss that hug the most when poor people play me like a pawn
that kiss when I got home that flowed over with your love and care
Top
T o C
#2113
20AUG22
Today is thirty-one months since that final goodbye
days past that look where I just could not see what you meant
But it was action where we let the truth of love lie
how I long to hear your sound feel your touch smell your scent
Top
T o C
#2114
21AUG22
I long to be held the way that only you knew how to do
I want that moment of eye contact that calmed a crowded room
I want just a second of peace from this devistating rue
I want but a vision of hope to relieve this lonely gloom
Top
T o C
#2115
22AUG22
Two Dahlias on the table and just one on your flower rack
two little red Border Dahlias and a small yellow Kelvin Floodlight
Some of the many ways that you appear to be reaching back
or maybe you were reaching forward and I just see it in hindsight
Top
T o C
#2116
23AUG22
I see a picture and a ring and a crystal and a t-shirt you would not let me wear
I see the clutter from more than a couple years of a lack of acts of tidying up
I can see the sour of focusing more on the void than grateful for adventures there
and I am beginning to see that my own perspective is what fills my own bitter cup
Top
T o C
#2117
24AUG22
Drinking black coffee and fasting today seems appropriate to my part
like your departure and the plague and crazy that came down the pike
Still trying to go through the things you left behind not knowing where to start
in this land of unknown emotions and unseen triggers that make them spike
Top
T o C
#2118
25AUG22
A kiss and hug and eat my supper and off to bed
a trip to the bathroom a blown kiss and a smile exchanged
Oh little things hold the sweetest spots within my head
but there is no relief no matter how it's rearranged
Top
T o C
#2119
26AUG22
It is sixty-six degrees out and the air conditioner is running
the bathrobe is donned and I look at this picture of you
Again I am amazed how you could be so beautiful it was stunning
remembering that look when there was nothing you could do
Top
T o C
#2120
27AUG22
It is almost Brenda's birthday and another holiday season looms
again I have hopes of sorting through the wreckage that remains
Of course marked by each of the many Dahlias and the wonder of their blooms
I wish not to part with any thing but then they are my chains
Top
T o C
#2121
28AUG22
Planning again to try to sort through too much but now you are "three years gone"
sixty hour weeks are lining right up so chances of cleaning are slim
While each tick of the clock leaves a little less future to rest hopes upon
and the prognosis for this lonely heart is beginning to look quite grim
Top
T o C
#2122
29AUG22
It feels I am growing accustomed to your absence and it is so sad
obviously it is a necessary step in this world of our insane
If I was not already crazy this horror would have driven me mad
I gladly accepted the sunshine of your love so now I must take the rain
Top
T o C
#2123
30AUG22
You were part of each dream that I had
you were the only one I wanted to be proud
Now it seems I only wander sad
but I still dare to say I Love You right out loud
Top
T o C
#2124
31AUG22
Oh to have your quiet faith and simply trust the things that be
even with that dreaded move you simply did what needed done
Maybe what I miss the most is what your loving eyes would see
again I see how fortunate I was to have found "the one"
Top
T o C
#2125
1SEPT22
Brenda turns fifty-five today and the cycle continues
I have not caught my breath and I am looking down the back stretch
Only now I see it more as rite than any win or lose
life keeps tossing its thin-veiled treats that I do not want to fetch
Top
T o C
#2126
2SEPT22
I am not sure how I can love you more now than then
so many things in this shell of a home were last touched by you
It seems Heaven is but moments where we have been
and all I know is the love you left in my heart still is true
Top
T o C
#2127
3SEPT22
"Thank you for how you loved me" ended my journal entry today
practicing "Hello Again" last night brought me to those alligator tears
I would do it all again no matter how much I have to pay
because the joy you brought into each day is what made those wonderful years
Top
T o C
#2128
4SEPT22
Labor Day weekend and I find a quiet minute to breathe
my parents are seeking assisted living as life proceeds
Oh if your living will had just told me how my heart would wreathe
or had some instructions on how to care for it when it bleeds
Top
T o C
#2129
5SEPT22
It seems almost cruel that the world still spins
though half a dozen Kelvin Floodlights brighten each room
Alone seems natural as the day begins
a rainy holiday with its enveloping gloom
Top
T o C
#2130
6SEPT22
I don't want to send myself into a downward soiral but
I live in a warehouse of stuff I never even touch
My feelings are not affected by these trinkets I have got
and I think with all of them gone I would miss you just as much
Top
T o C
#2131
7SEPT22
The last stretch of the third season without you is here
I pay the bills and bring in Dahlias and wonder what to do
All the journals and all the verse cannot keep you near
still I cannot comprehend the passing of a love so true
Top
T o C
#2132
8SEPT22
Nine minutes before the date is right after an evening of sleep
gotta load an hour from the shop today at quarter of three
Here in this hole where all of the exits are slippery and steep
and this dark cloud of grief makes anything hopeful harder to see
Top
T o C
#2133
9SEPT22
The Queen of England passed away and I think I know how they feel
of course the gratitude that they are showing teaches me a thing or two
No matter how great the blessing is on Earth it ends that's the deal
yet beneath the layers of this grief there is only gratitude for you
Top
T o C
#2134
10SEPT22
My sister Gayle’s birthday and I remember your tears
there were so few occasions when you exposed your soft heart
Just a handful of moments you withdrew in our years
that revealed your deep dedication to playing your part
Top
T o C
#2135
11SEPT22
Today the date reminds me that I have learned of loss at last
and yet living with you was decade after decade of gain
Memory has been teaching me that the blessing there were vast
as time has been revealing the temporary strength of pain
Top
T o C
#2136
12SEPT22
I used another "Linda and Tom" return address label today
is that but another morbid habit I formed along the way
I think one of the things I miss the most is your joyful sense of play
and the energy I got whenever you turned your gaze my way
Top
T o C
#2137
13SEPT22
It's funny how you didn't like me until the moment you fell
but it was beyond beautiful the way that you gave me your all
Now it seems I am here alone with a story I cannot tell
for the secrets of love are far too precious for language's call
Top
T o C
#2138
14SEPT22
Each breath I take sees you fade further into my past
and still I cannot begin to thank you for what you have done
Out of the billions who visit where they cannot last
but a miracle can explain how I was found by the one
Top
T o C
#2139
15SEPT22
Almost three years later I wait to clean the place
oh I have swept and mopped and rearranged
It is like the things that you left echo your grace
and there is less and less that is unchanged
Top
T o C
#2140
16SEPT22
It is sixty-eight degrees in the house and summer has not yet left
the Kelvin Floodlights have take the spotlight but a pink Dahlia is in bloom
Somehow it seems I have gotten stronger from all this grief and its heft
but here I kneel at our love's alter quite possibly the world's loneliest groom
Top
T o C
#2141
17SEPT22
Left my cell phone at work and it was so hard not to go back
but you will never call again so I do not really care
All that I have and do seems but garnish around my heart's lack
and I remember holding your hand until you were not there
Top
T o C
#2142
18SEPT22
So I sit here wondering if I have gotten through the first stage of grief
your ring is on my finger like the day you stopped breathing when my heart died
And I will go harvest more Dahlias in some morbid imitation of relief
remembering how hard you had to love me to create all the tears I have cried
Top
T o C
#2143
19SEPT22
Could not even cut all the Dahlias that are ready for display
and it has been several minutes since they got water from me
Taking the Forrester into work because of more rain today
a couple more months until the winter layoff sets me free
Then I will try again to part with the way too much that is here
so far I have only filled shelves and dressers and totes with things
How ridiculous it is to feel that they can help you stay near
I am lost love's marionette and your belongings are my strings
Top
T o C
#2144
20 SEPT22
Again I have fallen short of the season's three thousand miles
and Sunday's motorcycle ride was shy of at least one Queen
Still plagued by the hollow of days without your laughter and smiles
till it seems at times that I have become nothing but machine
Top
T o C
#2145
21SEPT22
Last full day of summer and the house is full of blooms
yellows and reds have been here a while while pink is on the grow
Then another long cold winter in these haunted rooms
yet even that is but the echo of love you helped me know
Top
T o C
#2146
22SEPT22
The first Day of autumn and the forecast now looks very cool
the AC is turned off and rumors say heating is going to cost
You are so far gone but I just cannot stop being love's fool
and I have moved from love's joyous journey to being completely lost
Top
T o C
#2147
23SEPT22
A pink Dahlia the thunder storms harvested was the latest to come in
the Kelvin Floodlights seemed to weather much better than that
I imagine you taking a big yellow bloom with that beautiful grin
as I end most of my days in a chair where you once sat
Top
T o C
#2148
24SEPT22
From the first day we started there was so much comfort and joy
adding to our tale the splendor of two hearts beating as one
You may have appeared to die but our love it could not destroy
so maybe we have more to do on this work we have begun
Top
T o C
#2149
25SEPT22
The second pot of coffee is brewing so the carafe is full for the week
it is cloudy and cold and bike riding season may have come to its end
While the barely bearable sense of loss may have already moved past its peak
this dull ache of lonely in the wake of your gone seems to elude all mend
Top
T o C
#2150
26SEPT22
I spilled moong beans and barley all over the stove making lunch
and then I grabbed the dishcloth right away to clean up my mess
The long drawn out season has snowballed into the final crunch
and I no longer look forward to winters I must confess
Not getting up at two is nice but the empty is so loud
and the brothers Beal at karaoke sure helps quite a bit
It is the hollow of actions without the chance of your proud
and an awkward world where there appears to be no place I fit
Top
T o C
#2151
27SEPT22
I continue to go through the motions but feel like a trespasser here alone
still awed by how quickly the love we shared became the only purpose I had
Yet I cannot comprehend that a love like ours could possibly have been on loan
then I remember being the luckiest man alive and for that I am glad
Top
T o C
#2152
28SEPT22
I do not know how you got your joyous manner but I miss it still
oh it seemed to ooze from you to me and I was glad to be alive
Must have been really empty if nineteen years was not enough to fill
and yet you left enough in my tank that I was able to survive
Top
T o C
#2153
29SEPT22
?
Thirty-three hours into this week's fast with the hope it helps me some
surrounded by flowers grown in the gardens your left for me to tend
Just wandering in this empty that what once was us has now become
with my diary and verses just hoping that somehow I will mend
Top
T o C
#2154
30SEPT22
It is sixty-two in the house and you would not stand for that
on the last day of September a couple years past the fall
It seems the quiet grief of my sadness is where I am at
but the desire for loving you has not faded at all
Top
T o C
#2155
1OCT22
Got a few nights in the thirties next week and heat will be on
I can almost feel your dread of winter floating in the air
There are things I will do just passing the time while you are gone
while I remember the great comfort of being in your care
Top
T o C
#2156
2OCT22
Another long week at work with another one on its way
as I try to adjust to getting up Sundays and doing more chores
Practice makes perfect but tick and tock will run out on that play
in this hallway of between and my heart has put locks on all the doors
I cannot imagine your love having me stay in this grief
but I cannot imagine that your love could ever possibly die
For it is the memory of your love that brings me relief
and it is the power that that love gave me that makes me want to try
Top
T o C
#2157
3OCT22
Getting up alone and preparing to go drive the Mack is the same
but even the seat you sat in for the photo op is gone
Now it is just me and the honeymoon pictures on the wall in frame
and there seems nothing at all to rest my future hopes upon
Top
T o C
#2158
4OCT22
Last night as I climbed into the bed that we used to share
sadly I imagined someone saying that it should go
It is meaningless except for the fact that you once were there
and I guess sometimes that is all I really need to know
Top
T o C
#2159
5OCT22
The flowers on my table remind me of the beautiful life you made
as well as the work and play you left me when you passed
Now I try to see new miracles as the ones that you brought to me fade
so grateful that the touch of love does forever last
Top
T o C
#2160
6OCT22
The whole world seems to have gone crazy since you went away
maybe true love blind just kept us from being able to see
Oh for a moment we were two happy lovers at play
and maybe in a crazy world that is the best you can be
Top
T o C
#2161
7OCT22
It is Friday and I am still in love with you
it does not seem to matter how long you have been gone
I am but an echo of love forever true
a love residing in my heart to which I am drawn
Top
T o C
#2162
8OCT22
All the gardening is slowly coming to its end
another harvest in the yard for Dahlias to display
I cannot explain how these blooms have helped me to mend
?
so thank you for the chores that these feelings do allay
Top
T o C
#2163
9OCT22
Leaves have covered the lawn and gardens and should be blown
as October settles in and I plan to dig up tubers soon
These dreadful days that seem to turn this old heart to stone
while memories of our once love are further into the past strewn
Top
T o C
#2164
10OCT22
I guess I hope you don't see me now or you no longer care
on this two day weekend I have sorted clutter and shredded some
Your seat is still here at this new table but you are not there
so now I wonder if my heart has grown cold or is it still numb
Top
T o C
#2165
11OCT22
A couple months away from a thousand poems as each week I update your book
it seems the appropriate way for a poet to honor the love of his life
they are for you for me yet I post them on a website should anyone look
but I usually only visit it to see pictures of my lovely wife
Top
T o C
#2166
12OCT22
You planted this poet's feet upon the ground treating him as a king
you drew the good out from within me that I did not know I had
You taught me that it is the minor details that make the lovebirds sing
and I am just beginning to see that you left no place for sad
Top
T o C
#2167
13OCT22
I come to the last page of another journal and wonder how many draws I can fill
it took almost three years to become less painful in this new part I play
Yet now that you have moved beyond all imaginary reach I can feel your loving still
in the end it would appear that your love is the cure that I need today
Top
T o C
#2168
14OCT22
"The Wonder Of You" echoes in my mind this morning
as I sit here alone before dawn listening to the rain
Thinking of things that happen to us without warning
the fact that you are the best of those is more than ever plain
Top
T o C
#2169
15OCT22
Doing laundry before work on a Saturday morning in the dark
Halloween is calling but the fall decorations still fill the yard
Seems I am always trying to take care of Tom but missing the mark
you made it look so easy I cannot believe that it is so hard
Top
T o C
#2170
16OCT22
I didn't remember your ring until this morning my bad
but today has no tears as I do dishes and turn the Instant Pot on
For just this instant the current of time will not make me sad
and so I will revel in the love we shared not the fact that you are gone
Top
T o C
#2171
17OCT22
It is a week away from Aden's birthday celebration
Sunday at noon I may actually be able to go
Since Easter was the last chance I had at participation
I guess I hope that you can use my eyes to watch them all grow
Top
T o C
#2172
18OCT22
All was well for a minute the calander said almost nineteen years
then the whole crazy of life was set in the still of your peace
Now in the quiet of your absense I feel the havoc of no tears
while I wonder if the twists and turns of grief will ever cease
Top
T o C
#2173
19OCT22
Julie Morley on Instagram has Hummingbird pictures that you would love to see
and I do hope you come to visit and see the new Dahlia blooming on the dam
Windchime fixing and garden decoration painting is slotted for winter three
as the once husband of Little Linda Mae continues to define who I am
Top
T o C
#2174
20OCT22
If my time with you was for learning maybe I failed
of course I spent last Sunday cooking and cleaning though
The fact that you taught me love is an action prevailed
my life now is better practicing that as I go
Top
T o C
#2175
21OCT22
Thank you for a house full of pretty flowers and being my dream
no one could have ever completed this adventure like you
Maybe only living can interpret "a dream within a dream"
and maybe only passing can reveal what a muse can do
Top
T o C
#2176
22OCT22
I think about you joking with us on the last night you could
I remember you telling me to tell Brenda not to come
All three of them were there just the way that you knew that they would
I tried to help them get ready to say goodbye to their Mom
Top
T o C
#2177
23OCT22
Aden's birthday celebration is at the Manchester Buffet today at two
it may have been Easter the last time I saw the family this year
The next generation out there celebrating their living all because of you
and I will be honored to hear the echo of your love in their cheer
Top
T o C
#2178
24OCT22
Aden's birthday celebration was full of laughter and cheer
they were saying his baptism was the last time we were there
The joy your children create is a miracle to be near
and grandchildren who were also blessed with all your love and care
Top
T o C
#2179
25OCT22
The longer I live without you the more I see all you were
how you celebrated living by being of service to those in your care
I may not be able to stop time turning it into blur
but I sure can spend my living in grateful for each moment that your were there
Top
T o C
#2180
26OCT22
Another winter is approaching and this house has too many things
it is time to read the minimalist birthday books I got from Jenn
When I know in my soul that it was feelings that gave our love its wings
yet it is my heart that craves these trinkets of adventures we had then
Top
T o C
#2181
27OCT22
I so much want to take my ball and go home but I am already here
at a table full of flowers I have grown in gardens you left to my care
Kelvin Floodlights seem to be my specialty and they sure do look like cheer
I only put your ashes in the gardens but you put some of your love there
Top
T o C
#2182
28OCT22
Closing in on Halloween without any candy to give out
and I see I was your trick-or-treater and the candy was for me
I see again that love is all you ever really were about
and that that love was the miracle you used to help to set me free
Top
T o C
#2183
29OCT22
For a minute all was right and lost man found his Queen
now that has long been over and this man again is lost
It feels like I failed if I see this world as obscene
but somehow the lines proving it insane have all been crossed
Top
T o C
#2184
30OCT22
Halloween is tomorrow and darkness has shortened the day
a bike ride you would not have taken slated for afternoon
Not sure if this is a chore or therapy or maybe play
if it takes my heart forever to mend is that still too soon
Top
T o C
#2185
31OCT22
Another Halloween with the long cold of winter looming ahead
slide off your ring to rest on your crystal for another week in the Mack
I try to think again of losing more possessions without the dread
attachment to things is a fool-hearted way to deal with this lonely lack
Top
T o C
#2186
1NOV22
Holiday plans are in the making as the family you gifted the earth moves on
the day before Thanksgiving feasting I finish the season and start all my chores
I guess part of my heart will forever be shattered just knowing that you are gone
yet life's river keeps flowing as if with reason while we stand on separate shores
Top
T o C
#2187
2NOV22
The world was going to end in two thousand and a new world started in two thousand and one
I just told your brother-in-law that you were too old for me and then you were hunting me down
You turned a simple coffee and a goodbye kiss into a lifetime of adventures and fun
so at the beginning as at the end your wholehearted loving was there to save me from drown
Top
T o C
#2188
3NOV22
I have no idea what I should do here so all alone
so I keep with the chores we started as best I can
But sometimes it really seems as if all hope has flown
that there is nothing left but the shadow of a man
Top
T o C
#2189
4NOV22
Off to the left is our pictorial honeymoon diary
though it seems that it is lacking by at least four or five years
Some of the joys of our love and maybe hints of its firey
it helps my eyes remember what this heart that was once yours hears
Top
T o C
#2190
5NOV22
It says seventy-five on Sunday I sure hope that we ride
then the following week I need to get the gardens ready for snow
Trying to find excitement in the motions without my bride
even when at seventy-five degrees I am sure you would not go
Top
T o C
#2191
6NOV22
I feel a little weird talking to Sarah about you but she's nice
I really think you would like her because she takes no shit just like you
Of course I wonder if my all too open might be too high a price
but somehow I know sharing my journey is really what gets me through
Top
T o C
#2192
7NOV22
"If it was meant to be" must apply to this living alone
nearly two decades of loving apparently to prepare for its loss
But even now I remember how it shook me to the bone
so I sit here in reverie with my pen i-s to dot and t-s to cross
Top
T o C
#2193
8NOV22
I remember the things you were going to do as if accordingly I can make plans
apparently we have cursed ourselves to the very end with this dream of tomorrow
Sort of like this poetry thing I do with its someday hope of maybe having some fans
with verse after verse of remembering you and the hope of some wisdom to borrow
Top
T o C
#2194
9NOV22
I try not to believe in magic because I wished away so many years
but it really seems life put a spell on me from the day that you let me in
If memory serves me correctly I have not had such trouble shifting gears
nor once had I imagined recovering from such a devistating win
Top
T o C
#2195
10NOV22
Rain forecasted for Friday and Saturday but the schedule says work
and the bulbs and tubers must come up before next week's down in the teens
I am beginning to lose concern for emotional traps that lurk
though I do not know if I am ready for grief to spill all its beans
When I pass I will still miss you but this process can relieve the pain
together we practiced isolation and maybe that makes this hard
It is not so bad to go crazy in a world that has gone insane
forty years before it was needed life gifted me the curse of bard
Top
T o C
#2196
11NOV22
Working on a holiday and paying bills that keep your memories alive
decluttering is the objective but my heart sees losing your things
So obviously I can lose the love of my life and somehow still survive
I have shared this horror with the whole world but inside our love still sings
Top
T o C
#2197
12NOV22
I take a picture of your ring on my pinky by the "wedding cake" topper in the hutch
even that was sized for knuckle-swell so it is only real with you in the past
Like hair you refused to cut for ease because you grew it for me and I liked it so much
like momories I carry with me while I breathe but that is as long as they last
Top
T o C
#2198
13NOV22
Have to get a card for Derek's birthday so I can get it in the mail
have to clean the bathroom and shred another pile of important papers that's getting tall
Here just ten days from another winter that has no bride and no setting sail
it feels like there must be something that I should be doing but I just cannot hear its call
Top
T o C
#2199
14NOV22
About to start the third holiday season since you went away
and it seems sort of slow and far too fast to grieve such a loss
Next week is Thanksgiving then back down under the house to play
still limping along without a smarter one to be my boss
Top
T o C
#2200
15NOV22
Almost two years and nine months into alone and I miss you just as much
your chair as you left it and the honeymoon wall as we made
Haunted by the increasing value of each memory of word or touch
and tortured by the ticking clock that promises they will fade
Top
T o C
#2201
16NOV22
Rain day today leaves six possible work days left this season
then it's Thanksgiving at Brenda's with whomever might be there
And more looking for a future without my biggest reason
but knowing when it comes to love I've had more than my fair share
Top
T o C
#2202
17NOV22
Time to spend another winter crawling under the house to dig
and it started out like the pallets for The God Dam Cigar Room
Just trying to save some money that turned into a lifelong gig
after your passing and the plague it was escape from all the gloom
It has helped me keep a dozen totes of memories out of sight
lonely winter's plan again is to try to make them disappear
All this hanging on has simply turned them into a weary blight
just because they were touched or owned by someone infinitely dear
Top
T o C
#2203
18NOV22
New journals are coming Amazon so I can sit and write about "you"
besides the big dig and karaoke this place needs at least three quarters less stuff
Approaching sixty-one I see that I must make less of the list of to do
and maybe tell my sentimental feelings over things that I have had enough
Top
T o C
#2204
19NOV22
I want the date to not mean a thing but it means that you are gone
yet right here and now I remember a love much better than I could dream
You were a Queen in my fairy tale and I was simply your pawn
two hearts playfully dancing for a moment in the light of love agleam
Top
T o C
#2205
20NOV22
Is it too selfish to wake up sick of being without you
am I a fool for loving a woman who is so far gone
Winter number three is looming with too many chores to do
and plans to avoid the consequences of being withdrawn
I changed my diet to make it easier for any host
should I look at my mourning as an imposition as well
The dire frustration of being haunted without a ghost
forget a medium I might need a witch to cast a spell
Top
T o C
#2206
21NOV22
I put the ring on your crystal and get ready for an early start in the Mack
it seems a little bit late in life to get used to carry water and split wood
Not sure about love as a battlefield but loss is full of emotional flak
and I am beginning to see it was experienced not really understood
Top
T o C
#2207
22NOV22
I am surrounded by stuff that has no meaning but reminds me of you
the back room and under the trailer have totes of more things the same
To be rid of these things before I pass is the toughest task I must do
?
I guess my wish is to go out as ampty handed as I came
Top
T o C
#2208
23NOV22
I decided I would take a vacation to celebrate the end of the season
there is Thanksgiving in Owl's Head on Saturday and Rich wants to share a fire
Oh I am once again a lost man in this world without our true love as a reason
but it seems that living here in your echo has softened the edges of its dire
Top
T o C
#2209
24NOV22
Put your ring on this morning to wear to Thanksgiving as if you were there
yet I am sure to see echoes in children and grandchildren full of cheer
I will try to forget that I am grief stricken because it is not fair
and remind myself that the affects of your loving remain very near
Top
T o C
#2210
25NOV22
One month from Christmas and the first holiday slipped joyously past
trying to plan out a method to spend time each day making house
Which includes getting rid of most of the things you and I amassed
trying to love you in another realm without being your spouse
Top
T o C
#2211
26NOV22
Still finding it hard to do the simple things without you here
because the life that was hard turned into joy when it found you
In this blur of your absence the future is not very clear
without the comfort of your presence I know not what to do
Top
T o C
#2212
27NOV22
I may have had hopes of helping others through this process when it began
but I am pretty sure most of those hopes were washed away with tears
Almost three years later it seems I have only acconplished limbo man
and thus I wonder if that leaves me with my honor in arrears
Just passed the season where "dinner plate" blossoms from the Queen's gardens are cut
spent another Thanksgiving with your children that echo your love
Seems crazy that I must maneuver without you in this insane world but
the grace with which you did that is the substance our life was made of
So the Christmas wish list is for flags and pinwheels to decorate your yard
and winter chores include again making this clutter disappear
If you are looking from the other side I hope you see me trying hard
and see that the fruits of all your efforts are still flourishing here
Top
T o C
#2213
28NOV22
Started the first of five minimalist living books Jenn got for me
apparently I never paid attention as I watched your beauty float about
And it never occurred that someday you and I simply would not be
that after being so sure of my life I could end up here in all of this doubt
Top
T o C
#2214
29NOV22
I guess I gotta get the clutter out of my brain
or so says the Holistic Guide* that I am reading
Maybe saving all your stuff was part of my insane
or is the madly in love finally receding
*the HOLISTIC GUIDE to DECLUTTERING by Michele Vig
Top
T o C
#2215
30NOV22
The beautiful gift of family you gave me continues to bless
a "new" picture of you at the Flume decorates my morning
Now more table and counter can be seen as I declutter this mess
while echoes of us forever my heart will be adorning
Top
T o C
#2216
1DEC22
I want to think suddenly it is December but here is a record of days
like there was no instant cure for your leaving just a long slow adapt
So I think how much joy there was in loving you and get lost counting all the ways
remembering you hunting me down and how glad I was to be trapped
Top
T o C
#2217
2DEC22
Sending out Christmas cards and I suppose I should drag out decorations
amidst the all too many totes of things that I just had to store
I was hoping that sentimental had a statue of limitations
but so far I have only found that I can love and miss you more
Top
T o C
#2218
3DEC22
The check arrived from PayChex for my original 401
so I can pay off the VStar at last and get another 'Wing
I guess I have plans without you for trying to have weekend fun
while the cold of the season sinks in as I wear your wedding ring
Top
T o C
#2219
4DEC22
I can hear you laugh as I cook my steak and eggs in your pan
the procedure prep tells me not to eat any "normal" meals
Not sure how it is over there but pray for me if you can
cuz I cannot seem to get over how this loneliness feels
Top
T o C
#2220
5DEC22
Of course I have too much planned to do for the layoff season
but I must remember that visiting friends and family needs be first
Motivation can be hard as you were my only reason
yet here without you I can still follow practices that you rehearsed
Top
T o C
#2221
6DEC22
Years into learning that I did not choose I feel I have lost my all
but I cannot imagine how it felt to watch me watching you go
Maybe I could not start again without experiencing the fall
and maybe how this all felt for you is something my heart needs to know
Top
T o C
#2222
7DEC22
Fasting for tomorrow's colonoscopy and wondering how you are
it still feels like our house though it has been mine for years
My eyes know you are out of sight but my heart says you have not gone too far
and maybe that is why I no longer live in tears
Top
T o C
#2223
8DEC22
I sent out Christmas cards again but not sure for the whole list
maybe writing them down in one place would be the thing to do
I sure hope no one takes it too hard if this year they were missed
but for me it is just another holiday to get through
Top
T o C
#2224
9DEC22
Toyota sent me a check for sixteen thirty-seven I guess I over-paid
already I bent the bumper and dented the fender on a pole
Possibly putting a crimp in all these hesitant plans that alone I have made
wondering if any of it really matters when I am not whole
Top
T o C
#2225
10DEC22
I spend my mornings now by the picture of you at The Flume
what a wonderful adventure that was on the Cavalcade
The fairy tale biker bride along with the luckiest groom
oh thank you so much for the love and the memories we made
Top
T o C
#2226
11DEC22
Seems I need to learn way too many things just to be at ease
how you navigated your life with joy still leaves me amazed
You were the cure for whatever is my heart's crazy disease
and now I am just stumbling along all confused and dazed
Top
T o C
#2227
12DEC22
I still cannot believe how beautiful my life got when you chose me
all the adventures we took living that love on a whim and a prayer
But without you here by my side I am finding it so hard to see
stumbling along blind trusting in all the good that you saw out there
Top
T o C
#2228
13DEC22
Still not much for Christmas shopping but it seems the time is here?
yesterday I tried to plan it but procrastination won
I try hard to remember your loving way and christmas cheer
and the thousands of times we were together just having fun
Top
T o C
#2229
14DEC22
You know me and I left for the mall hoping to enjoy the day
much to my surprise I think it was the slowest of the year
It seemed that every customer and clerk had but good to say
and I think that maybe I have found some of that Christmas cheer
Top
T o C
#2230
15DEC22
There is a "letter" from a doctor that I cannot seem to get to read
and undone chores are piling up while I sit with the games you used to play
Although my heart is still tender it seems now to have cauterized the bleed
am trying to live without you as if there is actually a way
Top
T o C
#2231
16DEC22
Whenever I think the "firsts" may be over along comes another one
today is the first company Christmas party since you went away
I remember all the gifts you got and how you always had so much fun
I really do not want to go alone but I think I need the play
Top
T o C
#2232
17DEC22
The most natural way to sign your journal is "I Love You" still
your being gone does not seem to change that in the slightest
When you went away you left a hole that is far too big to fill
and you know it might be me I never was the brightest
Top
T o C
#2233
18DEC22
Christmas Eve at Brenda's is less than a week away
I have not wrapped a single gift and may need a card or two
I think this year with the grandchildren I did okay
but there is nothing that will change the fact it will not have you
Top
T o C
#2234
19DEC22
Five days before the EVE and plans are being made
I think you would love D Money's sweatshirt I got
I do not like without you but am not afraid
and think that is something being loved by you taught
Top
T o C
#2235
20DEC22
Thirty-five months since holding your hand but no one wants to hear
it's wrapping day with presents galore and I go fetch "the bag"
I might just forgo Christmas except that you held it so dear
and thoughts of you help choose each paper and appropriate tag
Maybe your ghost was at the mall telling me which gifts to buy
how else could one explain those two and a half hours of fun
Plus the holiday is better this year without all the cry
maybe because of the sense of grateful that you were the one
Top
T o C
#2236
21DEC22
Got the big green bag out of the closet behind the sink
with the rolls and scraps of Christmas paper you just might have touched
Third time for this season still trying to get into sync
trying not to lose any memory I once may have clutched
Top
T o C
#2237
22DEC22
Between procrastination and disposition I actually got a few presents wrapped
with an early start today and acting in the spirit maybe I can get them all done
I am still not very good at this solo gig but I am truly trying to adapt
these circumstances make it appear that I lost when I know beyond all doubt that I won
Top
T o C
#2238
23DEC22
Tomorrow is the celebration with the family around the tree
and I finished wrapping after midnight using some paper that you bought
I bought rolls with Frosty or penguins as if they were something you would see
because I am not ready for a Christmas bag with nothing that you got
Top
T o C
#2239
24DEC22
Merry Christmas Baby Girl if you still celebrate
carrying cheer and at least a little gift for all
I am trying not to be first without being late
I may not be walking yet but learning how to crawl
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T o C
#2240
25DEC22
With a slow start to the day I come to my moments with you
they may very well be minutes I spend alone and that is fine
Echos of last night's laughter with your children come shining through
another reminder of how great my life was when you were mine
Top
T o C
#2241
26DEC22
The last of Christmas celebrations with Jenn and Josh and Chinese
sat outside Aloha when Josh got the food and thought of past dates
This year the Eve seemed a little bit more of its effortless ease
and my heart a little more willing to release its dire straits
Top
T o C
#2242
27DEC22
The cold of winter settles into the echo of holiday cheer
and whether or not the planet is warming seems to make me less tense
Almost three years gone but here with my pen it feels that you are so near
it is kind of funny how this heart of mine can defy common sense
Top
T o C
#2243
#2243
28DEC22
Your Prudential dividends check came in the mail
another detail which procrastination left to attend
I am on the pier years after my ship set sail
drowning in the blood of my lonely still not wanting to mend
Top
T o C
#2244
29DEC22
I cannot seem to find a resolution for another year alone
although I have picked up meditation and who knows where that leads
Have to wonder if it is possible to find comfort here on my own
I'll just till this naked garden asking the universe for seeds
Top
T o C
#2245
30DEC22
Coming up on the three year anniversary of the last breath that you took
it is crazy how little of me that there was walking out of that room
It seems like I spent my entire life getting ready to write you a book
as I saved all of the good luck I ever had so I could be your groom
Top
T o C
#2246
31DEC22
Another year is ending past those days I spent in love with you
it seems there should be some resolution about moving on
Instead there is empty when I try to think of what I should do
and the stone cold fact that my forever lover is now gone
Top
T o C
#2247
1JAN23
Today marks another year on the calendar but I wake alone
it was not so mellodramatic when you were down the hall
I have spent three seasons in the Mack but I am not sure I have grown
and I miss that fairy tale that hangs as pictures on my wall
Top
T o C
#2248
2JAN23
I wrote twenty-two as the date in your other journal today
am I trying to travel back in time or just forgetful again
In the overall picture I just continue with come what may
while realizing that I do not have as much time as I did then
Top
T o C
#2249
3JAN23
I crawled under the house with my wagon and started to dig
brought in three Christmas totes to sort through to save trash or donate
It was such a small action but the implications are big
and I wonder how many feelings my heart has in probate
Another widower I know already married again
I still have to close out your stocks and then that checking account
Or keep depositing dividends every now and then
I don't think this is a legal obstacle I must surmount
Top
T o C
#2250
4JAN23
Found another draw full of your t-shirts and a couple journal entries with last year's dates
I now have three totes waiting for next Christmas and only a tiny one to give away
It is tough trying to keep up this declutter without knowing the emotional rates
but in the end it does not matter because if you do or if you don't you still must pay
Top
T o C
#2251
5JAN23
I guess I am supposed to create a new life that has no Little Linda Mae
at fifteen days shy of three years alone you might say that I am a little late
There are four more totes stacked in the kitchen and I have plans for more digging today
maybe I need to keep sorting through the remains until I have lost enough weight
Top
T o C
#2252
6JAN23
Almost a week into in the dungeon possibly one last year
now making my way under the porch and its mayhem of staggered supports
I want to be done but doing the work reminds me of when you were here
alone with my labor supplies me with a familiar comfort of sorts
Top
T o C
#2253
7JAN23
Rolling along into a new year with half a heart and a couple chores
it seems as if I am supposed to stop noticing that my Baby is gone
I suppose difting indifferently on the sea of life past these friendly shores
may not be the most condusive way to see a new dream of happiness dawn
Top
T o C
#2254
8JAN23
Medical people seems so disconcerned with the dynamics of covered expense
so that big bills are looming from following directions without monies to pay
Sadly these hassles just make the grass look greener over on your side of the fence
but no matter how much I miss you I am still in no hurry to pass that way
Top
T o C
#2255
9JAN23
Three days away from the dungeon and it is time to return
still not really sure how this decade long project came to be
I think mostly the cost of having it done was the concern
and maybe hard labor is just a lonely heart's cup of tea
Top
T o C
#2256
10JAN23
Went over to Rich and Marilyn's for a back yard fire
did not think until today that the ax throwing was missing
It was much more comfortable than last year and its dire
which may have been simply me and a lot less reminiscing
Have I at last remembered that all I have to do is breathe
am I finally learning that I cannot outlive your touch
That grieving unabetted cannot even come close to seethe
that I can rejoin the living and still love you just as much
Top
T o C
#2257
11JAN23
One of those days that might reach freezing while I get off to a late start
thinking about Moody Blues next Monday at The Bar just down the street
Bellowing that song reminds me of what you expected from my heart
of how your love was always ready and how it made me feel complete
Top
T o C
#2258
12JAN23
Part of my daily practice is a gratitude list that I write
and the wonderful life you made for me is often number one
It still almost drowns me with sorrow that you have faded from sight
but even one day in love with you would have been better than none
Top
T o C
#2259
13JAN23
Friday the thirteenth in January and it is in the fifties with rain
sending out a card to Alan and another round of birthdays begins
Still looking for my part in the process while trying to ignore the insane
trying so hard to learn from the losses and celebrate all of the wins
Top
T o C
#2260
14JAN23
Oh you brought so much joy to my life when you came
you were the best friend I always wished that I had
It is hard knowing it will never be the same
or that your leaving does not turn it all to bad
Top
T o C
#2261
15JAN23
Trying to put or throw away at least one thing whenever I get up
this year is the year when a lot of your things are given or go away
I pretend that it does not bother me but it is such a bitter cup
in the end it comes down to wondering how long I can survive the fray
Top
T o C
#2262
16JAN23
Is it okay that I am giving or throwing away your things
had to ask Jeanine not to come over yesterday because of the mess
We sat at Dairy Queen before a cold minute with the slides and swings
and it was nice to let the love of your family so freely express
Top
T o C
#2263
17JAN23
For some reason I act as if the twentieth of January carries special power
I know that that date during the year of the plague is by far the worst that I shall ever see
Yet I have realized as long as I live and breath I must stand alone to face each hour
but in the silence of that alone the echo of your love and loving can still set me free
Top
T o C
#2264
18JAN23
I was able to dig out dirt and roots to realign the skirting
but I still need to find and cut wood and drill holes for all the screws
Some sort of rock-board without the right tools of course is disconcerting
but 'tis nothing like living without the inspiration of my muse
Top
T o C
#2265
19JAN23
I keep thinking that maybe I should write two or three times a day
about all the things that you did to make me the luckiest man
Oh like that beautiful smile whenever you saw me look your way
or that twinkle in your eye whenever together was the plan
You made loving so easy always ready with another kiss
and you had expectations but you always gave more than you got
Yet knowing you were rock solid is the biggest thing I will miss
just as knowing how much I was loved remains my favorite thought
Top
T o C
#2266
20JAN23
Holding your hand three years ago seems the worst dream that could be had
"It is okay for you to go" are the worst words I ever heard
The fact that they came from my own mouth begs for eternally sad
trying to believe that they came from love is terribly absurd
I have no idea what is on the other side except for you
and I guess my biggest hope is that you spend no time looking back
You left us all with memories of loving things that you would do
and we may need your experience there to keep us all on track
Top
T o C
#2267
21JAN23
So now it is Valentines to get through and get back in the truck
the clutter is beginning to thin and I believe the feeling is good
As I get closer to ending the dungeon project I feel stuck
and I drug out the skirting repair a little bit longer than I should
Not finishing what I started has always been one of my faults
but digging in the dungeon is one of the few things that remain
Little by little they disappear what were once part of our waltz
and I wonder if it is how I heal or the way that I go insane
Top
T o C
#2268
22JAN23
I started this journal almost mid-October of last year
got some big "fatties" so the next might take me to twenty-four
Just fourteen mornings in twenty-twenty that you woke up here
when I served you breakfast having no idea what was in store
Two weeks of the not quite normal that had taken over us
where we ignored ribs that were showing and how much that you slept
All of those hugs and kisses were an unimaginable plus
and thank you for the secret of how fast we were being swept
Top
T o C
#2269
23JAN23
This journal will not last a year but each page has many more lines
and I forgot to write the first number so shredding was the cost for that
Rules and practices and twisted beliefs have all been my confines
obviously leaving me quite ill-prepared for another round at bat
These morning moments that I spend with you seem to have eased the strain
even if I am sitting here all alone and pictures are all I see
There's an echo of time and the blade making it bearable pain
some sort of magical semantics renaming emotional debris
Top
T o C
#2270
24JAN23
I do not seem to remember how long ago we took that ride to the Flume
but this black and white picture shows your joy of adventure and brings me some peace
Oh the downpour before the Kancamagus that turned the ride into such gloom
and a "hundred miles" of "no vacancy" signs that really seemed they would not cease
Thinking we might have to 'Wing it all the way home we stopped for something to eat
but a hotel with a hot tub on a dead end sort of fell out of the blue
So the beautiful hike on the way home was simply another added treat
one more gem in the treasure chest of memories of being in love with you
Top
T o C
#2271
25JAN23
Getting the last seven totes of storage from down under was such a great relief
but dropping a porcelain Christmas box with a cute mouse cover hit kind of deep
I can see the end of decluttering but I have no idea how to debrief
and it all seems like such a nightmare and I should not have let myself fall asleep
Top
T o C
#2272
26JAN23
Something is missing and it is not you
I lack desire to do anything
I was not expecting love to be through
or the depth of the empty it would bring
I guess it's more literal than mere fact
I am decluttering and digging dirt
But it all feels hollow as if an act
even lonely has no power to hurt
I remember the joy that pictures caught
and all the plans that together we laid
But somehow without you it all is naught
the world full of color has turned to fade
Each morning I get up and meditate
and read and journal and write poems to you
Take courses on things to help me create
though I have no idea what I should do
Top
T o C
#2273
27JAN23
Listening to Wingnut Dishwashers Union thinking you would be unimpressed
grateful that I got to know you a little bit as you pulled me out of hell
Poe telling me it was a dream within a dream seems to make it much less stressed
maybe I do get to see you again when I am awakened by my bell
Top
T o C
#2274
28JAN23
They say I will always miss you but that I really should move on
still going through all the stuff we collected just trying to get neat
I have not even yet figured out what I am now that you are gone
or how in this world I am even supposed to try and be complete
Top
T o C
#2275
29JAN23
I know I am a creature of habit because one little change flips the boat
but when you left I went down a rabbit hole as Tweedledumber in my heart
Maybe my morning* rituals surround it as if a castle with its moat
mostly here without you I cannot even begin to imagine my part
Sort of silly in a way as I have been playing it for over three years
but the hollow and empty is torturous as I try to figure it out
While it sure feels good to remember us without having to shed any tears
until my last breath I will miss the woman who showed me what love was about
* mourning?
Top
T o C
#2276
30JAN23
Took the ring off to go digging and cannot remember turning your crystal on
as February appraoches I see that efforts to declutter must increase
I guess I am starting to get used to the horrible fact that you are now gone
remembering the part of me that was saved by the miracle of your love's peace
Top
T o C
#2277
31JAN23
Been filling garbage bins and totes for donations too
spend too much time on Pogo because it feels like close
Am I just tearing myself away from life with you
maybe my heart just tires of all of this morose
It is not like I could rip you from my very core
you gave me the love and space I needed to grow
For it is only you I think of when I find sure
because it always amazed me how you could just know
Top
T o C
#2278
1FEB23
I think the last wagon of dirt might have come out of the dungeon yesterday
there is more digging for footings but it looks like I might be able to bail
I am only fixing skirting and filling holes with insulation today
guess all of my ambition has not gone away but it sure is getting stale
Each time I put or throw or give something away it feels like part of me dies
maybe the echo of "out of sight out of mind" is more haunting than I thought
But I just try to convince myself that often sentimentality lies
and the best gift I have gotten from life is the unfailing love that you brought
Top
T o C
#2279
2FEB23
I cleaned the shelves in the walk-in once and now I store more stuff
brushed off the bowler het and can see what those boxes are for
Donating or throwing things away is amazingly tough
or maybe the cumulative effort is making me sore
A head band you wore on a honeymoon way back in 'O Six
the vase where you had the bamboo growing in water and rocks
That and your Christmas cactus slid into the waters of Styx
so I am being more careful with your Columbines and Phlox
Put out a Valentines welcome flag like something you would do
planning to take down decorations you put out in 'nineteen
So I want the sorrow to end without being over you
because I still cannot imagine living without my Queen
Top
T o C
#2280
3FEB23
The first cold snap of winter with subzero temperatures and wind
and I cannot imagine that you would find a reason to go out
Grief still lingers by your name but I no longer feel that I am pinned
possibilities of joy appear to peek at me through clouds of doubt
Top
T o C
#2281
4FEB23
Suddenly I am full of doubt about writing to you forever
what kind of crazy man made up his mind to do that in the last three years
It should not surprise me in a world where you should never say never
and it is quite possible that that was a vision seen through many tears
Pictures from the Flume seem to be the last ones to grab my attention
just some random August adventure to take the Goldwing* out for a ride
Another day along our way that reached the honeymoon dimension
because time did not change us from fortunate groom and his beautiful bride
*Suzuki?
Top
T o C
#2282
5FEB23
Found a tote of old junk mail in the back room the other day
obviously clutter is something that I thought I should store
Oh there was a small pile of things that should not be thrown away
but this is still round one and I know there will be many more
At the moment it feels a lot easier than it once looked
but there are whispers that say someday soon it all will just hit
More than worth it all from your very first kiss that got me hooked
then the endless flow of love from your heart that just would not quit
Top
T o C
#2283
6FEB23
Valentine"s Day is on Taco Tuesday alone year number three
doing the Superbrain quest with Jim Kwik hoping to remember more
Daily meditation trying to get my mental eye to see
there was that dream with my truck in a river so I could see before
Visualization seems to be key in making future dreams
something all of my most recent teachers keep telling me I should do
Guess decluttering was one but I would like to avoid extremes
and if possible to move forward as an act of honoring you
Top
T o C
#2284
7FEB23
"Thank you for being so wonderful" ended today's journal entry
still there is awe in remembering how gracefully you did it all
Of course I was the one who had no common sense to stand as sentry
and when it came to vacation spending even yours was known to fall
I had not pictured this alone to be the start of my latter days
but before that twinkle in your eye there was a lot I could not see
Yet seventeen honeymoons later I know how a loving heart plays
that alone makes life so much better than I ever thought it would be
Top
T o C
#2285
8FEB23
I have been throwing stuff away all winter that once belonged to you
dropping that porcelain christmas box seems like the only thing that hurt
It's some sort of therapy when I do all the things you used to do
using your washer and kitchen sink and shaking and hanging each shirt
Down to four pairs of work jeans you once washed just trying to make them last
the honeymoon wall just as you left and another spot here and there
The best love story I have ever known slips slowly into the past
and somehow I am supposed to move on without trying to compare
Top
T o C
#2286
9FEB23
"Home" is just something else that is missing since you went away
maybe the decluttering is just a flex to get it back
"You Can't Go Home Again" tells me that is not what I should say
this train has already traveled three years down another track
Outside are all of your gardens that wait patiently for spring
the walk-in has tubers and bulbs that will go back in your ash
The Kelvin Floodlights that grow best are surely fit for a king
and I believe more columbines will be added to the stash
One more spring with fill to add to the garden across the dam
hoping sunflowers will grow over there in the partial shade
One more year to be grateful for your help in all that I am
trying to learn how to live without the together we made
Top
T o C
#2287
10FEB23
I want you to be my Valentines as you were so many times at sea
but that is only another way that this grief tries to weigh down my heart
You outlived your body I outlived our vows but I would not call it free
and even with three years practice I have no idea how to play this part
Top
T o C
#2288
11FEB23
Meditation after stretches then some reading starts the day
pictures of you surround me but some say I should take them down
It may not now be shock but I seem to be stuck in dismay
I so loved living at the ready to stand and hold your crown
Hundreds of dollars to keep the "Palace" where I store your book
where in mid-April this will go under a picture of you
Oh I do not know if anyone else ever takes a look
but it is there I go when I do not know what else to do
Top
T o C
#2289
12FEB23
I feel almost unAmerican not watching the Super Bowl today
for patriotic reasons when I go shopping maybe I should buy some wings
When I woke you up after the Falcons win you had nothing good to say
so I guess what I will miss today has a lot more to do with other things
Valentines is Tuesday and hope to sing Nights In White Satin with dry eyes
wearing my heart on my off-the-cuff extremism may not be my best choice
But honoring you at karaoke at least you know where my heart lies
and the Moody Blues on Valentines in front of hundreds could not break my voice
I did feel bad when the man in the elevator said I made him cry
and yet we booked back-to-back by then I did it again the very next week
All I heard was applause and saw you in that red dress through my blurry eye
for pictures and ash were all that was left from love my heart was trying to seek
Top
T o C
#2290
13FEB23
It's Nights In White Satin night again for the special hiliday
probably a slew of other love songs in memory of you
Starting to wonder if my heart could even know another way
"until death" seems to be the only part of that vow that got through
Top
T o C
#2291
14FEB23
I sat next to a couple of widows last night at The Bar
neither of them seemed eager to "move on" even after years
To celebrate the special day I sang a sort of love song bazaar
during a pause in Hello I blew you a kiss and brought one to tears
I forget how unfair it is to others when my grieving gets loud
over eleven hundred days later I do not know what to share
The very fact that you are gone hangs over my life just like a shroud
and somehow the silence in my heart turns into a deafening blare
Top
T o C
#2292
15FEB23
It was nice to meet people who want to stay single after their loss
there is no desire to be single here but the best option I had went away
Even this poetic burden might be much more protection than cross
what can I do now living here with all of these gifts for which I can never repay
Top
T o C
#2293
16FEB23
I have been throwing things away and packing totes to donate since last fall
and still I am living in a house that quite simply has way too much stuff
Bin after bin of garbage and totes full of things that I did not miss at all
was it just a matter of time before my heart said that it had enough
It probably should not seem so odd that I now can see open spaces
maybe that owl still in its package should be somewhere out in the yard
Am I supposed to learn to live with less pictures of our younger faces
is the insanity of true love's separation supposed to be so impossibly hard
Top
T o C
#2294
17FEB23
Woke up WAY too early so I have already had a nap
a birthday talk with Dad to keep him busy till Sonja called
Sort of kind of getting used to being lost without a map
just might finish all the footings even though this year I stalled
Thank you for the formal nights in pictures that you left behind
thank you for the seasonal decorations so I celebrate
Thank you for showing me just what it means that true love is blind
and thank you most of all for being such a wonderful mate
Top
T o C
#2295
18FEB23
Stocked up on coffee and nuts from BJs and went to Walmart for jeans
trying to finish up under the house and be ready for the old Mack
Here in your afterglow I'm trying to connect unrelated scenes
knowing what I came into us with I have nothing that I care to get back
Well nothing I want from earlier life that you brushed away with ease
no where to go where absence does not haunt but I try not to let it win
I guess I got so comfortable with having only you to please
that in this desolate echo of love I do not know where to begin
Top
T o C
#2296
19FEB23
I remember telling you I just needed you to make eighty-four
not sure why I thought seventy would make this easier but I did
Simply doing it for you added a special delight to each chore
at the end of the day your kisses were candy and I was a kid
Top
T o C
#2297
20FEB23
The pink handled butter knife made Facebook fame the other day
guess I am going to trigger people living past the dream
Adulting is just so annoying with all my do and say
so this winter changing me with education is my scheme
Right now I am with Jim Kwik again on his Superbrain quest
Emily Fletcher has me brush my mind before I go out
Jose Silva and Vishen Lakhiani part of the invest
and maneuvering with a coach may have been better no doubt
But I was stumbling along when I came into your view
so maybe plans and visions will only keep me in the cage
Now scrambling to wrap up projects giving inertia due
not knowing what is coming I will build a gigantic stage
Top
T o C
#2298
21FEB23
The ATM said I had no money and then kept my card
got a good freak on worst case scenarios coming in wave
Thought I prepared for the worst but guess I do not try that hard
maybe another sign that it's time to come out of my cave
So I am here where you left me and I do not want to move
like your love will still surround me if I do not breathe too deep
It is not like I have anything left that I want to prove
or like there is any more of you I could possibly keep
Top
T o C
#2299
22FEB23
It is just another day where we is only something I remember
when I go to the Doctor at the heaviest weight of the year
I wonder if I should have sang the Counting Crows back there in December
there certainly is room for hope in the emptiness I find here
Our cocoon of together had no future plans besides another cruise
and that was fine when you were mine because there was nothing else I need
Though now I sit here in the morning with only an echo for a muse
with no direction in life moving at an unbelievable speed
Top
T o C
#2300
23FEB23
Got the call from work that we start Monday after Saint Patty's Day
season number four without being able to come home to you
Thank you for giving me all that you had until you went away
thank you for filling me with enough love to help me make it through
Top
T o C
#2301
24FEB23
The wind is howling below freezing and you would not be pleased
the windows in the front room need quite a bit of attention
All the time without maintenance out of this house has been squeezed
the interest just may be several pounds of prevention
I always thought it was funny that you thought I just should know
and I am still but a monkey here throwing wrenches at things
But your blind faith may have outweighed my ignorant to and fro
if I could just see what you saw while the echo of it rings
Top
T o C
#2302
25FEB23
Skipping another day of Superbrain but hoping to finish another round
do not know if you would have cared about it or The M Word but I would have tried
Almost three years without you this "accident" is the most excitement I have found
guess I needed something to grab me so I didn't "mope" around until I died
Like Kwik says "there is no magic pill" but the process might be from a wizard's lair
isn't that the way superstition named all of the things it could not understand
Isn't a guest that will keep my head busy sort of an answer to my heart's prayer
maybe an arrow giving direction to all of these years that were never planned
Top
T o C
#2303
26FEB23
Now down to the wire on the lifetime project down under
the back room and the living room to go through to declutter
I'm yet looking for peace in the echo of true love's sunder
still amazed by the way your touch could make my heart flutter
Top
T o C
#2304
27FEB23
Another snow storm is rolling in to throw a wrench in plans
of which I have far too many to get done in just three weeks
Seems you took Mr. Couch Potato and gave him busy hands
or maybe because he is so tight with money that he squeaks
Before I met you I had no desire to be alone
but now I live in our old "kingdom" and do not want to share
I do not think my grieving heart has somehow turned to stone
but it does enjoy the memory of you last being there
Top
T o C
#2305
28FEB23
Suddenly I am giving advice on how to get out of debt
you were my toughest customer by far with your credit card float
You did end up paying them off but that's not how I would have bet
and I knew already that I would be better off without the gloat
Guess I miss the familiar of hearing what you meant and not said
and listening to you laugh at "hogwash" when you still watched "TV"
Not much for sleeping alone but this is what I made for a bed
as I assume that part of my heart does not want to be free
Top
T o C
#2306
1MAR23
Not so sure I can but digging and pouring number twenty-four would be nice
and I may have all that I will need to subfloor and heat-tape the pipes
Ten years ago when I started this project I do not think I saw the price
it could be the hard way of playing hit or miss to get all my stripes
Planning on celebrating a job finished even if it was not well done
trying so hard not to remember just how little it all now means
I do not want to focus on sadness but I am living without my one
it seems much larger than plague proportions but there aren't any vaccines
Top
T o C
#2307
2MAR23
Ten years later the last footing has been poured
there's a patio and walkways and gardens and a new dam
It's not like I think I deserve an award
it's just that the plan did not include as alone as I am
So obviously you did get me started
and I will spend the rest of my life being thankful for that
Time now forces me into the uncharted
which you already showed me is where the delightful is at
Top
T o C
#2308
3MAR23
What does the heart know of death do us part I ask a mind now insane
suffocating as time blurs the memories of love together we made
Gulping down so many metaphors and inuendos for the pain
still humbled in awe by the passing of decades in romantic parade
Top
T o C
#2309
4MAR23
Sometimes I think I should just sit here all day writing poems to you
and sometimes I wonder if I have written a dozen or hundred too many
There's six inches of snow and falling so I have a lot to do
it usually seems words are going to overflow or there just aren't any
Those short-lived writer's blocks do show me exactly what terror means
when my heart skips a beat and I sit here thinking that I have nothing left to say
But luckily moments like that are the few and far in betweens
then this pen dances across the paper remembering us as lovers at play
Top
T o C
#2310
5MAR23
Frequently these thoughts of writing more poems flutter through my mind
but mostly it was shortly after your passing that I did
It feels like I should have said more but not that I am behind
not sure what I really believe just that it is off the grid
Top
T o C
#2311
6MAR23
Getting closer to being done with the dungeon project makes me ill at ease
maybe it has something to do with the past and its way too many goodbyes
Maybe I just put it in a box like some gift for an ego I must please
and my spirit waits for me to wake up while it comforts my heart as it cries
Oh why can't I keep it simple like you and just choose to act with love and care
there was no theoretical heaven just a small kingdom with king and queen
Sometimes in the quiet of morning with my pen it feels like you are still there
waiting patiently to celebrate as spring appraoches with its shades of green
Top
T o C
#2312
7MAR23
This two and a half hour morning routine has no room for the added bits
but the cumulative benefits of meditation demand that they stay
I do not like scheduling anything at night but if that's where it fits
shy of it costing an arm or a leg these moments with you will start my day
Top
T o C
#2313
8MAR23
It is sad not to be able to celebrate the end of this project with you
it is odd that for the third year in a row I have had no desire to cruise
Although the last back to back with a COVID delay seemed like the right thing to do
there could not have been a more appropriate way for saying goodbye to my muse
Top
T o C
#2314
9MAR23
Got the license renewed yesterday after I found all the stuff
the plan was to get that done and come home to work down under
But going without an appointment made that a little rough
the fact that I still think I have good ideas is a blunder
Now to see if charity wants these totes I have left to give
the sad thing is that this batch does not put me close to the end
Each time I go through I find I need bigger holes in my seive
and I wonder if it is part of the bleed and not the mend
Top
T o C
#2315
10MAR23
In the journal I wrote "will you save me again" and hope came at me in a rush
it is funny the tricks a mind can play on a stoic old man in the morning*
With your magic loving you turned ordinary living into exquisite lush
and my heart bent on forever in your tender care could not see any warning
* his mourning?
Top
T o C
#2316
11MAR23
If I could write you a million poems it would not begin to be enough
you said you knew you were going to take care of me and you did so well
Somehow you always knew what to do whenever I got in a huff
this time advise and that time not a word I do not know how you could tell
It is obvious you were my angel but you liked the title of Queen
your devotion was unquestionable and the comfort there amazing
The love that you poured upon me made an adventure of all the routine
and when that last breath does come your love will be in my heart just blazing
Top
T o C
#2317
12MAR23
A month away from Easter and eight days from the truck
each day is getting longer and a little less cold
The grandkids growing so fast that I cannot keep track
maybe on the flip side I am starting to get old
And I had no plan "B" because your love was so sure
so it's sing with Bonnie and Andy and a new bike
Maybe see how much of lonely a man can endure
and if I can breathe long enough to trade for a trike
Top
T o C
#2318
13MAR23
"Blizzard" tomorrow and Roger should call about the "new" 'Wing being ready
down to the Cadillac as the only vehicle left in which we did ride
I breathe putting one foot in front of the other hoping for slow and steady
standing out like a sore thumb this wandering groom who no longer has a bride
Top
T o C
#2319
14MAR21
Six days from "spring" and we are getting hammered with heavy wet snow
last karaoke last night and I found again my alergy to goodbyes
Now I remember not spreading compost for the spring grass to grow
I just want to plant dahlias in your gardens and go get more mulch and supplies
Top
T o C
#2320
15MAR23
Seems like last season was just starting a minute ago without you here
guess sort of like you popping up all over town when I said you were old
And maybe I will always miss you most at your favorite time of year
with your celebrating things turning green and spring's victory over cold
Top
T o C
#2321
16MAR23
I have to go get the "new" 'Wing and register it today
because the pizza party tomorrow kicks off this new year
Not sure if I am trying to buy new life or am at play
there certainly were a whole lot less questions when you were here
Top
T o C
#2322
17MAR23
It is pizza party day at work to kick off the season in style
there is a black Goldwing parked in the driveway that you will never ride
I thought I might have a hitcher but my heart tells me not for a while
still hesitant to make choices where thoughts and feelings might collide
Top
T o C
#2323
18MAR23
Getting ready for lunch in Maine I signed off with "I write as if you are reading"
I have salad and dressings and water and a notebook from the Superbrain quest
I guess the humane thing to do is not let people know that I am still bleeding
and so I try to remember how many ways that being yours has made me blessed
Top
T o C
#2324
19MAR23
Ah it's almost time to update your volume on the website
have been thinking of taking next winter off but I cannot
And maybe learn the Ouija Board so later I can ghost write
make it self-sustaining so our fairy tale is not forgot
So save another season without buying any more cars
and hire an IT person who knows what online might need
But my readers are there on Venus and I am here on Mars
ironically at a loss for words to convince them to read
Top
T o C
#2325
20MAR23
Between the long day Saturday and yesterday's karaoke I forgot unemployment
of course if my head was not connected I would have lost it long ago
I guess I still can have fun and the universe is not going to engage redeployment
once assumed I would move on to other things but I really do not know
In hindsight I can see that I was frequently told not to put all my eggs in one basket
yet given another chance there is no doubt that I would hand you the farm
While your foresight signed a living will and made a pact ensuring you did not get a casket
is there a point in "moving on" when you have proven third time is the charm
Top
T o C
#2326
21MAR23
Just the thought of taking more of your things from our house is too much to bear
you have been gone for over three years but your memory walks in these rooms
Again spring numbers the nights burried in quilts in the bed we used to share
anxious to start tending your gardens again while awaiting dahlia blooms
Top
T o C
#2327
22MAR23
I have been procrastinating on donating these totes to charity
possibly because the minimalist dream includes losing all you things
But maybe that is only the first step so I can get some clarity
and getting rid of stuff I called my own can at last give freedom its wings
Three years into this hell I created by not wanting to let you go
or was the loss exacerbated because of how you made me complete
It sometimes seems I have only discovered more things that I do not know
and the haunting fact that hindsight shows the infinite depth of bittersweet
Top
T o C
#2328
23MAR23
Not sure if I honor you with flowers or try to lure you here to haunt
but after my first Dahlia Mania might need another garden bed
At this time of year it is always bigger and better flowers I want
Monster Purple Thing has a blossom bigger than the Dahlia Lady's head
I started an Hibiscus garden along the common area fence
you know one of my projects I have such a hard time ever getting done
With all these new dahlias planting them there is the only thing that makes sense
last year's nursery success with hibiscus was exactly equal to none
Top
T o C
#2329
24MAR23
Sarah is working cuz I refused which is good I have a drug test to take
tubers should be here tomorrow and all of that dirt should go over the dam
Without you here there seems to be no importance to decisions that I make
so I try to remember that husband was only one of the things I am
Top
T o C
#2330
25MAR23
A truck load of your stuff left the house today
it was twenty-eight degrees and I was cold
And getting rid of more seems to be the way
I find appologetic looking for bold
People say What would Linda think like I know
I imagine you would want me to survive
And so I am starting to learn how to grow
from half the man I was when you were alive
Top
T o C
#2331
26MAR23
Sometimes I wonder why it is that only in the morning I write
whenever gratitude comes to mind I cannot help but think of you
You took my many broken pieces and somehow made all of them right
you could take a decade of same old same old and gladly make it new
Top
T o C
#2332
27MAR23
The first day of the season for me has arrived
quite a few less things in the house is winter's fare
I suppose in the end it just means I survived
and pictures of you are more of what is there
Top
T o C
#2333
28MAR23
I believe it is time to order the spanakopita for Easter this year
with less restrictions on my diet I am looking forward to having a piece
I cannot remember if when we were together the future was ever clear
but there were close to twenty years when being loved by you gave my worries release
Top
T o C
#2334
29MAR23
I used to make the bed and think that I was making you proud
for the you that lived on this side I imagine that is true
Once already I thought I hope the echo is not too loud
and that there is now eternal joy and peace carrying you
Top
T o C
#2335
30MAR23
Could have used your common sense approach yesterday as crazy ideas flew
it sort of looked as if Mom and Dad's house needed to be vacated "now"
Seems the verdict is three weeks in the future but vacated still is true
with new season started and me trying to work in trips to Maine somehow
Probably just normal adulting that poet Tom turns into a trip
you knew me better than I did and I would so love to see through your eyes
For a minute I will remember our balcony kisses on some ship
and that ancient adage about some of the best gifts being in disguise
Top
T o C
#2336
31MAR23
So Mom's birthday is tomorrow and there is a trek to Maine
the last in her own house seems to be the emotional wave
The happy and sad of it all seems to create quite a strain
and I am starting to see the problem with things that I "save"
It is a distraction with your birthday a few weeks away
do I still celebrate the day that made possible my Queen
If I sing your birthday song in my Mack do I call it pray
or does humming the tune to myself lessen the in between
Top
T o C
#2337
1APR23
Think this parents getting old is stirring the emotional pot
as Easter in a week and a day brings with it such thoughts of joy
I am grateful for old and new family events that I have got
and so want a little of your even keel today to employ
Top
T o C
#2338
2APR23
In two weeks it seems that my parents aged a number of years
from Mad Libs at Saint Patty's to not remembering a thing
And I guess I have become cold hearted for there were no tears
just seeing leaps and bounds towards that bell that is going to ring
I remember being little trying to cry for the dead
then it was back to kindergarten and being taught to learn
Maybe your love was strong enough to pull me out of my head
maybe it was time for me to experience crash and burn
Top
T o C
#2339
3APR23
The gift of growing old seems lined with several traps
maybe the failure to communicate makes them worse
Discussion and planning seem to be forgotten apps
and then we blindly stumble as if under a curse
Now I have found another thing to be grateful for
you were here at home with me all but the last six days
Even in your going I could not have asked for more
you helped me so much that I am still finding the ways
Top
T o C
#2340
4APR23
Taxes filed and a state away from aging parents I write to you
and the more that time seems to pass the crazier it all looks
I sure hope that none of what is to come makes me doubt that love was true
I suppose if it came to that I could start reading these books
Top
T o C
#2341
5APR23
Thank you for everything just seems the most appropriate thing to say
time can seem to be a speeding wrecking ball that nothing can ever stop
But it allows me to reminisce to the echoes of moments of play
while some way or other you are part of all of the stories that we swap
Top
T o C
#2342
6APR23
Each step of the way when I am in doubt I would turn to you
or maybe a picture or an empty chair where once you were
Each time I would turn to you for guidance it is again new
why must this be so clear and the rest of the world spin in blur
Top
T o C
#2343
7APR23
Jenn's Valentine's card is still on the table and you would say it is cute
it may have been since then I worked on decluttering and it shows
I jumped off the precipice of love into life's jungle without a 'chute
and some days it feels like my need for your advice is all that ever grows
Top
T o C
#2344
8APR23
Getting ready to make the Hooksett run to grab the pita for Sunday
then maybe check our your gardens in search of daffodils and tulips there
Do all tomorrow's things so I can play and still be ready for Monday
and powder up my lonely by telling stories of plans so that it does not glare
Top
T o C
#2345
9APR23
Today we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus two thousand years ago
or hide eggs for children and eat ham and chocolate practicing the love that you taught
He had Helen Schucman ghost write a new testiment showing us what we should know
almost three years into that study but it is your absence by which I am caught
Top
T o C
#2346
10APR23
Easter was joyous at Derek's and now we move into spring
maybe next weekend I can start to get the gardens ready
But now it is dress for the dump truck and take off your ring
and realize that slow is okay when it pairs with steady
Top
T o C
#2347
11APR23
I try to declutter for a moment then the table is covered again
did just finish laundry at four A. M. so I must be doing something right
There is so much on the list of things to do that I have trouble seeing when
but I suppose it is all good distraction from the fact that you are out of sight
Top
T o C
#2348
12APR23
Thinking of warm weather reminds me how much fun we had on motorcycle rides
the restaurants we got to explore as we stopped along the way for dinner or lunch
It's kind of crazy what two hearts can find out on an adventure without any guides
that with all of our learning and logic the most joy we had always came from a hunch
Top
T o C
#2349
13APR23
Just found out that Mom and Dad can take a few small things
it looked like just clothes and pictures and that made me very sad
Minimizing seems appropriate with what it brings
stuff can be so excruciating or was that just my bad
Three years into the journey and I am still sorting
things and emotions and I could not tell you which one is worse
My heart seems to like to find new ways of contorting
and I am thankful to have established this outlet of verse
Top
T o C
#2350
14APR23
Carol is having her seventieth birthday party on the twenty-third
it's a Sunday and if it is not starting late I should be able to go
My parents' move to assisted living seems it might just reach into absurd
I would like to think I can do better than that but of course you never know
You made all that came up seem so mindane with ease and incredible grace
and unlike me you always knew when there was nothing that you could really say
No matter what happened I always knew it would end with a smile on your face
and I now see that all the work you did was to make it possible to play
Top
T o C
#2351
15APR23
Brenda had a house load of gamers last night and I think all had fun
people came from as far away as Vermont and I think there was too much food
Now it's afternoon on a three day weekend without anything done
being around your family never fails to put me in a better mood
Top
T o C
#2352
16APR23
I think today I get the new AC but lose the one that kept us cold
not sure how old it is but I have been here for over eleven years
The peonies I planted last year but didn't grow are coming in bold
and I can see your daffodils and phlox starting to grow now without tears
Top
T o C
#2353
17APR23
I got to wear your ring for three days in a row
but I have yet to move even an ounce of dirt
In the gardens the flowers are starting to grow
and I think the total effort eases the hurt
It is almost time for lilies to go in pots
there's a hosta I need to quarter pretty soon
Should order seeds for more Chinese forget-me-nots
dahlia tubers need to wait almost until June
The peonies that did not break ground this past year
are six inches tall and it is not even May
I try so not to wish but I wish you were here
that I could hear anything you might have to say
Top
T o C
#2354
18APR23
I have colorful pinwheels to put out in your gardens this year
a mini tote of decorations I was supposed to paint
I do not know why others garden but my reason is quite clear
and apparently I think of you as these gardens' patron saint
Top
T o C
#2355
19APR23
Your birthday is less than a week away and I can't think of a thing
while waiting for tubers I am watching daffodils and tulips grow
I might just need to clean the gardens and listen to the songbirds sing
because even in your absence then your love of spring I get to know
Top
T o C
#2356
20APR22
So your birthday celebration this year will be moving Mom and Dad into assisted living
taking a moment to ponder I see it may be the most appropriate thing I could do
Because when I try to think of what made you most happy it always leads to love you were giving
as long as love is the reason it does not matter whatever I do will be honoring you
Top
T o C
#2357
21APR23
The first work Saturday is said to be tomorrow
suppose it will keep me from playing pogo all day
I used games at the computer to patch up sorrow
now I look at loving things you had to do or say
Top
T o C
#2358
22APR23
I've got the furnace on because sixty-one was just too cold
and the AC was running not too awfully long ago
Could not find a new one that fits and this one is getting old
it seems that replacing the things that we shared is all I know
Top
T o C
#2359
23APR23
You would be quite surprised at how tall Dillan has grown
I can only imagine the delight in your eyes
And I think some of his joy is from seeds you have sown
so I see that the love we give never really dies
Top
T o C
#2360
24APR23
Never had I considered living to be more than sixty years old
never mind contemplating that I might live longer than you
It has nothing to do with temperature but boy do I feel cold
funny now with summer looming for soon that will not be true
All the heat and humid can do is distract me from all that I miss
and the catastrophic of this empty merely describes you
I hear each word in echoed whisper and feel the warmth of each soft kiss
grateful to have the gift of remembering a love so true
Top
T o C
#2361
25APR23
Happy Birthday Baby Gyrl I hope you are home in Love and Joy and Peace
got a pizza the The Bar for the trip and then sang Shout by Tears for Fears
Phil said he had read your poems for hours and somehow that brought me release
and I let the miracles of friends voices perform their magic upon my ears
Top
T o C
#2362
26APR23
I cannot imagine having to move you to assisted living
but the workers and tennants of the place in Belfast were a delight
The push of the clock on my unpreparedness is unforgiving
not sure if some meditation practices can cast a better light
Top
T o C
#2363
27APR23
Eat and sleep so I can work another day
not sure exactly why I would carry on
Is there anything left I might have to say
no matter how I add it up you are gone
Top
T o C
#2364
28APR23
I do need to thank you for showing me how to live
I was so lost and confused when you took me into your care
I still am amazed at how much love you had to give
and how much joy there was in my day just knowing you were there
Top
T o C
#2365
29APR23
How could your and my other Linda M. Beal's birthdays be just days apart
and how could you possibly have fallen for such a hopeless broken man
Are they really written in the stars all these secret matters of the heart
was the great joy of our togetherness part of some celestial plan
Top
T o C
#2366
30APR23
Got my hands in your ashes quartering your hosta as garden season began
got the grow lights going with a score of gay feathers as tiger lily seeds hid
Dozens more dahlias and seeds by the packet make me feel like I have a real plan
hopefully this year I do better mapping because I forget things that I did
I love the habiscus I see when I'm working but I cannot get seed to grow
so their new garden not quite finished will be for the dahlias that came in the mail
It all sounds grand at the end of April but I have seen many a pas de faux
yet in the midst of my depthless grieving these gardens have become my holy grail
Top
T o C
#2367
1MAY23
I do not know how often I have thought I should write more than once a day
here I am at a table you never sat at with your crystal and ring
So busy with work and left over dirt and too many gardens for play
fifty flowers in The God Dam Cigar Room trying to let my heart sing
Top
T o C
#2368
2MAY23
Do you not like the "new" Goldwing I found on its side when I got home
just another item on the list of crazy things happening in your wake
But fodder for thought as I try to find meaning by writing your tome
understanding the empty of an existence when there is nothing at stake
Top
T o C
#2369
3MAY23
The imaginings of "the other side" are perposterous at best
but I am here and you are there and there is no way we can be done
I still do not know how to grieve so I am torn between tears and jest
yet completely entwined with memories of how loving you was fun
Top
T o C
#2370
4MAY23
Roger called yesterday to say the VStar was paid off and we wait
oh thank you for not making me have to jump through hoops to be your man
I had always hoped for normal but it looks more like never than late
as I dive into the new gardening season without a good plan
Top
T o C
#2371
5MAY23
Jenn and Josh are taking me to TBones on Sunday
I do hope to have a lot of yard work done by then
Maybe the end of moving dirt will bring me more play
or at least get me ready for my Queen's garden zen
Top
T o C
#2372
6MAY23
If I could only channel you I could write a book to myself
although it was just that you loved me not that I learned to listen
That book would probably gather dust bytes on some virtual shelf
it was sharing love that made our days together always glisten
Top
T o C
#2373
7MAY23
I guess I am supposed to celebrate having survived for sixty-one years
though twenty-three years ago it got easier when I was chosen by you
The grief hit me hard when you stopped breathing and I thought I would drown in the tears
but hindsight has shown me that I just kept moving kind of the way you would do
Top
T o C
#2374
8MAY23
Some people seem to get tired of me continuously talking about you
while some people just listen to me say the same things that I seem to have to say
And I think like me all people do all of the things that they think they have to do
I try to listen whole-heartedly because for some it may be the way they pray
Top
T o C
#2375
9MAY23
It seems as if everyone knows just what they should do
while here I am tripping over each little thread I believe
And it's not like any of my ideas came from you
but somehow you inspired me to keep trying to achieve
Top
T o C
#2376
10MAY23
It's barely above freezing out and it is time to start riding the bike
do you have any idea how much I want to take you for a ride
Guess I try not to think about it so I do not cause grief to spike
but just like the truck I know you would look at the '07 with pride
Top
T o C
#2377
11MAY23
Three hours straight time on Thursday and into the blur
rolling hard into spring with too many things to do
Was I too docile with my willingness to defer
or just under the spell of the beauty that was you
Top
T o C
#2378
12MAY23
When I think of what made you happy I see it was your loved ones' success
to be with your grandchildren or listen to all your children had to say
Your numerous acts of service were simply the way you let love express
oh that infectious laughter you had whenever you got the chance to play
Top
T o C
#2379
13MAY23
Really rolling now and my truck is down for a week
the rebuilt transmission that Mack sold us fell apart
Sometimes remembering your calm helps me not to tweak
and sometimes there is just a big black hole in my heart
Top
T o C
#2380
14MAY23
My elbow is so sore but a garden still needs to be dug
drop the Caddy for inspection and swing by BJ's for nuts
Six days a week in the Mack sweeps so much stuff under the rug
as time carries me further from you with no if ands or buts
Top
T o C
#2381
15MAY23
Not sure what I am not doing but the plants are fading away
the columbines and purple phlox and baby's breath are doing well
Of course I am just thinking in extremes in the middle of May
if I cannot cultivate a green thumb should I look for a spell
It might not be as important but I so miss your daffodils
the Cadillac is the last vehicle I have in which you rode
I see myself living past your love and it sort of gives me the chills
and I am grateful each day I wake for all the love that you showed
Top
T o C
#2382
16MAY23
Trying to make myself ride the 'Wing to work seems a foolish thing
the Subaru is at the garage and the Tundra is next in line
The Caddy passed inspection without much cost so I can still cling
it is the last vehicle I have that I had when you were still mine
Top
T o C
#2383
17MAY23
Do birthdays here get celebrated on the other side?
do hauntings happen by simple magnetism of thoughts?
I am still here lost without you but grateful for the ride
you were always so much better at connecting the dots
Top
T o C
#2384
18MAY23
Quite often I would like your perspective on certain things
but most of the time there is just empty where I would share
In the silence of the morning the love we had still sings
and I realize I am propelled forward by your care
Top
T o C
#2385
19MAY23
Friday morning past forty-five hours I sink into the week
laundry was done in peripheral moments with dishes the same
It seems I have a relation with you but we no longer speak
direction seems to be important but I know not where to aim
Top
T o C
#2386
20MAY23
I have had people say that writing to you makes me an unattractive man
a guy I work with said he will miss his first love forever but cannot tell his wife
I could try to miss you more quietly but that just is not part of the plan
and I would rather be alone and honest than have to hide any part of my life
Top
T o C
#2387
21MAY23
Today I give up on no mow May so the yard looks good for the annual meeting
guess Nancy is going to be president again and I feel so helplessly bad
There is no room in my summer schedule and I know feelings are very fleeting
if I could wish I would wish I could help so that not helping wouldn't add to my sad
Thank you for being on the board for me and all that you did in the time you were here
like fixing the common area fence with all of your moaning and groaning to boot
But even all of that was done in a way that we finished the task quite full of cheer
and the seeds of love you planted in me long after our parting are still bearing fruit
Top
T o C
#2388
22MAY23
I missed the annual meeting because it was Saturday during my nap
pretty sure that Sunday was the day every other year
According to your buddy Roger it was just more of the usual crap
Nancy and Cook-e are back on the board as they like to steer
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T o C
#2389
23MAY23
Sometimes it all seems so easy and sometimes just way too much
so obviously perspective is what creates all the seems
Did I make the most of paradise or use it as a crutch
I know that you have gone but could you visit me in my dreams
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T o C
#2390
24MAY23
Celebrating spring with bags of chips and a nursery full of plants
did no mow May for three weeks and just could not take any more
The crack in the driveway still seems to be a favorite spot for ants
no daffodils bloomed but columbines honored the days of your
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T o C
#2391
25MAY23
I do miss keeping you informed of the Christmas countdown
told you in the journal and realized I miss the roll of your eyes
It is quite the transition to go from king to a clown
but you helped me discover that gifts in life often come in disguise
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T o C
#2392
26MAY23
We were holding hands on the drive to Maine and all in life was well
and when they say "the good old days" I think that this is what they mean
For in that moment we found joy in love that caused our hearts to swell
and on a trip to Maine without a word we made the perfect scene
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T o C
#2393
27MAY23
Thank you for the gardens because I really needed something to do
thank you for your even keel because that I needed to find
Thank You for your sense of adventure and for giving the best of you
and thank you for so many years of the lovely ties that bind
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T o C
#2394
28MAY23
There are wax begonias and some small orange things that are shaped like Christmas trees
tiger lilies in the nursery and dozens of dahlias some old and new
First flags go on the fence along the water and I hope that there is a breeze
then plant flowers set up pinwheels mulch and water there is so much I must do
Then days it does not rain will end with me watering your gardens from the pond
sometimes at the expense of supper and sleep but the beauty is worth it all
I like to think that I do it for you but can you see from the great beyond
or did you just know that after you left I needed a way to start to crawl
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T o C
#2395
29MAY23
Yesterday was way too hot to work in the garden but I got some done
had a long lunch of pizza and water playing some Pogo in your place
I have no choice but to plant in a frenzy now that work has begun
over-ordered in Dahlia Mania but I will find each one is lace
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T o C
#2396
30MAY23
I guess I have once again bitten off far more than I can chew
but the annuals are planted and some of the dahlias as well
I guess I should have been recruiting grandchildren to be a crew
for making your gardens look beautiful causes my heart to swell
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T o C
#2397
31MAY23
It all seems to be too much when we start working longer days
all the flowers have not been planted and seeds that must be sown
But it is the only way that blossoms set the yard ablaze
or that my heart can celebrate all the love that it has known
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T o C
#2398
1JUN23
I am almost too busy to be affected by this grief that has simmered down
at least the ridiculous things I think can actually make me laugh out loud
It may be twelve hour days in the Mack but watering from the pond is my crown
and according to reactions from all of my friends I guess that I make you proud
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T o C
#2399
2JUN23
Ninety-seven yesterday sixty-two tomorrow it really seems all quite insane
it was as if you had made it all make perfect sense and then it all fell back apart
And although I am no longer teetering on the edge of that great abyss of pain
there appears to be this dark and depthless hole that sits right in the center of my heart
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T o C
#2400
3JUN23
Oh, the rain was such a relief after two days of super heat
was able to go to bed at six to catch up on the loss of sleep
Thank you for unfaultering love and for being so soft and sweet
most of all thank you for glorious memories that you let me keep
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T o C
#2401
4JUN23
Next weekend is the retreat with the guys up on the big lake
I remember you waving from your desk without looking back
Glad now nothing lasts forever for tears I could not take
sad now nothing lasts forever because of years without lack
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T o C
#2402
5JUN23
Lately I have been correcting my inability to number these poems right
part of it is the foolish fact that I cannot even read the things that I print
The many new solar colors in the gardens make for such a beautiful sight
I know that they can't mend this broken heart but they do make such a wonderful splint
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T o C
#2403
6JUN23
Thank you for the amazing life you shared with me
it was extraordinarily peaceful and calm
Thank you for showing me that duty makes carefree
and for being for me the most beautiful balm
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T o C
#2404
7JUN23
It just does not seem right that the Earth still spins without you here
or how your loss can outweigh the loss of all who passed before
Yet there is this moment pondering without a single tear
and yet this heart is still beating as if begging to have more
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T o C
#2405
8JUN23
"Is it still home" I ask of this house full of good memories of my Queen
it is where some of my living takes place but it certainly misses her touch
Though part of the the process of a man becoming this grieving is obscene
and though I can no longer put a finger on it love was once in my clutch
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T o C
#2406
9JUN23
Getting ready to go make special recipe soil and put more tubers in the ground
I guess I need to use your magnifying glass and start reading the packets of seed
Apparently there is a plethora of information just waiting there to be found
supposedly Neanderthals are ectinct yet this intellect echoes of that breed
It is quite possibly part of the problem of why it is taking so long to heal
but there have been evolutionary steps made since I stumbled into Mindvalley
I suppose stunted emotional maturity is just part for the caveman deal
and I hate that you moving further away is now par for all progress's tally
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T o C
#2407
10JUN23
Six hours into my morning routine it comes to writing a poem to you
it is eighty miles to our home but neither of us is there
The website will get no new verses today and there is nothing I can do
further fading into the past glorious days in your care
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T o C
#2408
11JUN23
I have been here without you thrice
and I have found joy and peace
But I remember returns nice
and that alone brings release
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T o C
#2409
12JUN23
The annual retreat with guys I only see once a year is so great
and I do miss that wave that you gave without even turning around
I have no clue what I am supposed to do and I have no faith in fate
but because of you and love we made I know that heaven can be found
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T o C
#2410
13JUN23
Today is Dan's birthday and his card was there yesterday
Dad was in and out of the hospital and has moved to the full care wing
I don't know what I feel or if there is something to say
according to Sonja Mom might not be aware of everything
I remember never doubting any answer you gave
and I still have no idea how you knew all of the things you knew
Just to know that your play at the end was centered in brave
helps me to remember that I need to add love to all that I do
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T o C
#2411
14JUN23
The more I think about hiring a crew to plant the better it sounds
I of course would still place every flower with care in its bed
But I could help two or three people and they could help beautify your grounds
then I might not see the holiday weekend as something to dread
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T o C
#2412
15JUN23
Just the one effort of sending out birthday cards has shown me a lot
only one of your acts of love with which you filled each day
I am beginning to see that these acts show me the love I have got
that that love is only fulfilled when it is on display
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T o C
#2413
16JUN23
Part of me wants to blame time for how far on this journey I have come
but my heart knows of all of the journals that are filled with words and verse
I think I have moved across this valley unlike days of yore and numb
and I see the laziness of my past and how quickly I screamed "curse"
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T o C
#2414
17JUN23
Lily's graduation celebration is today and work got rained out
that one bumpy ride on the VStar changed the entire order of things
Fellowship with family and friends appears to be what life is about
and going where we once were seems to orchestrate the music of heartstrings
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T o C
#2415
18JUN23
Jenn said she took your Long Horn's card when Brenda gave them out
thought I would tell her you would be proud of making me pay
The time we spend together is what it is all about
like all the pictures on the wall of when we were at play
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T o C
#2416
19JUN23*
Trying to sleep this afternoon did not go according to plan
leaving for work at eleven at night is not my best choice yet
Here I am in my sixties still trying to do more than I can
it sure was easier with you here helping me not to forget
*late on the 18th
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T o C
#2417
20JUN23
Put a card in the mail for Bob's birthday today
Jenn got the dates and addresses from Brenda for me
As I learn the attention that you used to pay
seeing more of the ways you gave endlessly
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T o C
#2418
21JUN23
Had an excellent talk with the detail officer at yesterday's job
of course we talked about you and love and the games people play
Echoes of sadness deep in my heart in the place where once your love did throb
yet breathing in and breathing out I survived another day
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T o C
#2419
22JUN23
I picture you in some afterlife just rolling your eyes
and I hope that my 'dally has not been holding you back
I see that you were an answer to many youthful cries
and how the love that you gave me erased all those years of lack
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T o C
#2420
23JUN23
Morgan moved to Saint Petersburg and texted to let me know
today Bob turned fifty-seven and I hope he likes his card
There's troubles with the tippy but that's just part of the pas de faux
and I guess this living without you will just always be hard
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T o C
#2421
24JUN23
Coming to the end of another journal trying to guage the change
close to tears seems an occasional thing as you slip from imaginary reach
I seem to function without you here but boy do I miss our exchange
there is desire to learn but I have no idea what life is trying to teach
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T o C
#2422
Is all of this just what it takes to make a man want to awake
how could love end that healed a heart that had been so tattered and torn
And all of this misery and pain come from a simple mistake
that so long ago made this world into which such a love was born
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T o C
#2423
25JUN23 #2
I try not to think of it as just another Sunday with no kisses from my Queen
and there are weeds in the unminded yard that are close to two feet tall
Though the simple fact that you are gone over time has not become any less obscene
I would much rather be here without you than not had your love at all
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T o C
#2424
26JUN23
Visited Uncle Paul and Aunt Meredith yesterday and he is doing better
the Caddy and the Subaru need work so they can have AC
You brought love and meaning to my poor interpretation of the Scarlet Letter
but the fatal virus of your leaving has left my heart crumbling over to be
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T o C
#2425
27JUN23
I can hear the thunder and the rain
and I can feel the empty in my heart
It seems as if it is without pain
have I become accustomed to this part?
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T o C
#2426
28JUN23
Almost half of another year has gone but there is sadness in survive
I work and sleep and eat and dream of learning how to keep this whole house clean
And I cannot help but miss the days when your love made me feel so alive
or notice how my days without your hugs and kisses are still quite obscene
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T o C
#2427
29JUN23
It appears I have been moving on since I left the room on that cold winter day
all sorts of contortions can be felt and thought yet each breath betrays my own heart
It makes no difference at all that my selfish feelings would demand that you stay
nor that the acknowledging of your absence each morning is tearing me apart
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T o C
#2428
30JUN23
Is it selfishness that keeps me hooked on the revelry of celebrating you
am I exacerbating the delusion with exaggeration and rue
Is meditation now beginning to affect all of the crazy things I do
and how can I love this half man evolving if my journey through grief can be through
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T o C
#2429
1JUL23
I keep reading things that say that your loved ones who pass never really leave
so should I ask a woman if she would like to date me and my late wife
I am accustomed to your gone and live alone is it no longer grieve
am I supposed to even try to make you no longer part of my life
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T o C
#2430
2JUL23
Another trip to Maine but Dad is on the nursing home side
your ring is on my finger and years of your love in my heart
Even though you are long gone you still get to go for the ride
there is no future I can see where you do not have a part
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T o C
#2431
3JUL23
It is odd now that I feel awkward when for two decades you put me at ease
at sixty years in I had hoped to know far more than I actually do
Never once did I consider how much work it took to be easy to please
I just lived in the comfort of your care amazed at the beauty that was you
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T o C
#2432
3JUL23 #2
Just shredded a couple months worth that I was going to keep current
so part of the new table can actually now be seen
One might believe the horrible mess to be some sort of deterrent
but three days into a long weekend I am trying to clean
I guess I would do it for you but I do not think you really care
and though thinking loved ones stay with us might be nice to believe
There is nothing within me that is telling me that you might be there
and the platitudes ego uses seem like further deceive
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T o C
#2433
4JUL23
The flags are really for you but it is a good day to have them flying
probably ought to get out the rest of the decorations before fall
Have not gotten good at all this decluttering but I am still trying
and there are still days without you when I think that nothing matters at all
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T o C
#2434
5JUL23
Not only is it okay to have a life beyond you I guess it is a demand
shopping and deviled eggs and a trip to Maine and wagons of dirt may not be much
But when it seems that the best part of me is still holding your hand
just forcing myself to do some of the little things is the most that I can clutch
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T o C
#2435
6JUL23
I am having such a lovely time getting to know the Palace Poet named Sam
but of course now I want to visit England even more so than I did before
And if I could visit Andy and Hero and Stacey it would be a grandslam
and I am reminded of how you were always looking for what might be in store
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T o C
#2436
7JUL23
Such a simple hug and kiss and my whole world returned to glow
there was seldom extravagance in any plan yet it was delight
It was like an act of nature to help each other grow
and a burst of magic at day's end to again have you in my sight
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T o C
#2437
8JUL23
I may have lost a dahlia to three hot days without rain
must be time to start carrying buckets of water again
Bonding with your gardens has carried me beyond the pain
but brought me closer to the caring you put into them then
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T o C
#2438
9JUL23
The house needs cleaning probably somewhere back in the spring
and there are a thousand million weeds from a whole month of rain
I never thought I would garden but I like doing your thing
plus it keeps me from making wrong choices or going insane
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T o C
#2439
10JUL23
It was only seventy-nine out so I thought weeding would not be bad
but ninety minutes later I was a ball of sweat and completely done
I wonder if you visit our yard and if maybe it might make you glad
mostly though I am just so happy that it turned out that you were the one
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T o C
#2440
11JUL23
Sam has been so nice to chat with because she always knows what to say
one of those packages I sent abroad was copies of books of her verse
It may be what the doctor ordered for my heart after years of fray
or the universe telling me again poetry was not a curse
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T o C
#2441
12JUL23
It gets to be too much with so many hours in the truck
it can be blamed on age or alone but maybe it is true
Of course without supervision I just may have run amok
which did not seem to matter when my life was guided by you
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T o C
#2442
13JUL23
I laugh at the little world I have of gardens and work and memories of you
all my hopes of being a poet have now fallen to mending an old man's heart
Guess from the perspective of living my best life it is the best thing I can do
how fortunate I was that living your best life you found room to make me a part
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T o C
#2443
14JUL23
I took pictures of pretty flowers around the yard when I got home
work has left little time for watering as it has picked up the pace
I sometimes doubt that I can even honor you with words in a poem
ah but alas it is the only way left that I can touch your face
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T o C
#2444
15JUL23
I asked you in the journal if I should be asking you questions about life
when you were visible I did not have to ask you much because you would say
I am still absolutely amazed at how you were such a wonderful wife
and I am actually surprised that I am still living alone today
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T o C
#2445
16JUL23
It's raining it's pouring I think today just might be boring
and it is quite possible that I might need a day of rest
So I can remember wonder years when our hearts were soaring
and seeing that alone is not so bad when you've had the best
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T o C
#2446
17JUL23
I take off your ring to start another week in the truck
the dishes are done so I can make and eat salad later on
Not sure that what I am doing can be called being stuck
but I do believe I am still bruised by the fact that you are gone
Top
T o C
#2447
18JUL23
It is light outside which is odd to see before work this time of year
and I feel I have been making progress though I am more lost than ever
Guess I was just along for the ride and at ease with letting your steer
my heart was so enamored that it completely believed in forever
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T o C
#2448
19JUL23
I do not know how I am supposed to do all of what needs done
when I get out of work I can barely eat before my eyes close
Somehow you managed to do it all and you made it seem like fun
just maybe I still have the blinders of a heart deep in grief's throes
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T o C
#2449
20JUL23
The calendar taunts me with another anniversary I would rather not know
so three and a half years of breathing have witnessed your final goodbye
In trying not to lose it all to sadness is it possible I started to grow
I do not like it here where I can look at pictures of you and not cry
Top
T o C
#2450
21JUL23
Forty-eight hours in four days seemed much easier with you
of course looking back I can see that I was a younger man
Even now I am still realizing all that love can do
and maybe part of why you came was to show me that I can
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T o C
#2451
22JUL23
Superbrain "funwork" and The M Word Technique are changing me
through making gratitude for your love and devotion part of my day
The unknown but long anticipated rearranging see
and somehow your decades of hugs and kisses were showing me the way
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T o C
#2452
23JUL23
PowWeb is back on their bullshit again making it hard for me to post
and I appear to be just as naive as I was at the start
I think I need someone to build me a website and find me a host
just like I needed you to show me how to love with all my heart
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T o C
#2453
24JUL23
My how three hours pass in the morning trying to get to your poem
writing to Sarah and Xiaoling and Sam to keep moving along
But I guess this is just the way that I turn this place into my home
and in the end there are many beautiful women in my life's song
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T o C
#2454
25JUL23
I do not think I could have made this eighteen years at Allied without you
I could spend the rest of my time wondering what you did that made me whole
Or I could just rest in the knowledge that the power of love is still true
that you and I connected so well because we were attached at the soul
Top
T o C
#2455
26JUL23
After all it was just another of many ordinary days
sort of like waking up again in a house that we once used to share
I am starting to think that the heart is the most complicated maze
leaving me deeper in awe at the ease with which you guided me there
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T o C
#2456
27JUL23
The celebration for Alexis and D Money is on a Monday night
think I have been doing good at getting birthday cards in the mail
I do not want to miss sleep before work but I do want to do what is right
and I am growing weary of this feeling all alone and frail
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T o C
#2457
28JUL23
Going in on Friday with forty-eight hours hoping tomorrow it rains
the love that you gave me was like food for my soul and it cannot be gone
I know that you stopped breathing and went to where life took you but your love remains
my heart feels it in your children and grandchildren and to them it is drawn
Top
T o C
#2458
29JUL23
So the "new" Sunday bike is junk to a non-mechanical man
and I find myself asking you for help in the journal today
Two cars a trusk and two bikes seems like quite a ridiculous plan
although back to back cruises each year could be seen the same way
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T o C
#2459
30JUL23
I had planned on motorcycle shopping but I did not go
Derek offered to look at it but said it might "take a while"
There seems to be far too many options and I do not know
and another Linda came to visit making my heart smile
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T o C
#2460
31JUL23
I was going to have no one in this house but it was raining
I was going to protect my heart and be calous and cold
I guess all of that was too much work and it was draining
and I guess for a kiss and a hug my defenses are sold
I wish no dishonor and would not forget that you are my Queen
but these pictures and a crystal and a band of gold I can wear
May just be a grief built prison that lurks on the edge of obscene
and maybe amidst the cold and lonely there is some warmth there
Top
T o C
#2461
1AUG23
A long day in the Mack and an alarm just after midnight
do I need this routine and ritual or does it need me
I was looking at a bud for an early Kelvin Floodlight
thus was reminded of the way you left for me to find free
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T o C
#2462
2AUG23
I had two days off last weekend and did not even put on your ring
there is still so much to go through with value judgments and all that gore
It just does not seem right to see our love as a temporary thing
but it would appear that while I am still breathing it does exist no more
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T o C
#2463
3AUG23
Work is almost dawn to dusk and I am sure too soon beyond
had to do dishes while pastrami and cheese grilled in rye bread
While anything else for the sake of a dollar has been pawned
how in this state of frenzy did we keep both of our hearts fed
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T o C
#2464
4AUG23
I have no idea what I am doing just like before I met you
is life just suppose to happen while I flounder about so confused
Zevon's Splendid Isolation lies through the phone to help me get through
is three and a half years too short a time for such grief to be excused
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T o C
#2465
5AUG23
Saturday morning on a long week spending my time with you
have a date later with pizza and insight hope it goes well
Ending up with another Linda really would not be new
but on the back side of sixty what lies in the wishing well
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T o C
#2466
6AUG23
Your ring is on my finger and I have backed out of a situation
with my seventy-one hours at work last week was judgment thus impared
Seems the crazy of my inward endeavors causes infatuation
while once accidental challenge led to a love that could not be compared
I guess a head over heels adventure is not something that can be planned
and I have yet to make any contact with the Spirit I must let guide
Again I am adrift on life's ocean and I cannot see any land
with the figurehead on my bow none other than my then beautiful bride
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T o C
#2467
7AUG23
Sam has been a Godsend this year with Instagram chats from abroad
her insight is remarkably spot on and she accepts you as my Queen
We click on so many levels that we are mutually awed
when I have excitement I can share and if I need support I can lean
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T o C
#2468
8AUG23
Technology has made a video call across the ocean a simple norm
so Sam was right with me at the front window in the spot where once you used to sit
Her friendship and ambitious awakening have joined together keeping me warm
now the Palace has echoes of the lonely king and the crazy beautiful Brit
And all of it is because of you and your wanting me to do what I like best
those distant thoughtcafe evenings when you would stop by the office to get a kiss
The ticking of time carried us forward putting all of our efforts to the test
and your magic touch on all I did even now is still filling me up with bliss
Top
T o C
#2469
9AUG23
It does feel like you were the one who put magic in my touch
and maybe the magic was in your positive way to see
Whatever it was I find I do want to thank you so much
although without you I cannot seem to find a way to be
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T o C
#2470
10AUG23
And a fourteen hour day may be what I needed but boy it hits hard
life passes as I help finish up jobs so the college year can begin
Left wondering if loving you leaves all other opportunities barred
after four decades of frantic your love made me comfortable in my own skin
Top
T o C
#2471
11AUG23
Love was like some secret elixir that made me a superman
a hug and a kiss from you could cure a whole world of woes
And now I am years into trying to do the best that I can
just looking for answers to questions that nobody knows
Top
T o C
#2472
12AUG23
D Money has a birthday today and I head for the Mack
"little" Marykate was at the shop last night with her Mercedes-Benz
Maybe I could just dream for a minute of having you back
but I know that it would only be one of those dreams that never ends
Top
T o C
#2473
13AUG23
I get a minute during busy season and am glad to spend it with you
kind of like the good ole days when you and I went for our motorcycle rides
I am in my sixties now and may never find what I am supposed to do
but I shall always remember that you were the most beautiful of all brides
Top
T o C
#2474
14AUG23
Must be a crazy man sitting in his house writing poetry to his long lost wife
must be a broken heart that can kiss the bartender but still not get involved
Must be the time of the season when work and sleep take up life
if I keep putting pen to paper it will all get resolved
Top
T o C
#2475
15AUG23
Trying to drink almost a gallon of fluids every day
and it is easier when I am trapped in the Mack with a jug
I sometimes think the best you did was when you turned it all to play
am I getting better or have I just swept it under the rug
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T o C
#2476
16AUG23
Went out for Chinese yesterday and remembered our Chinese weeks
but nothing feels right without you here and I don't know what to do
I think I miss you just as much but it no longer wets my cheeks
must have forgotten to be grateful each day the world is new
Top
T o C
#2477
17AUG23
So much happens in a month that I almost forget to pay the rent
much has happened in forty-two months but I just let go of your hand
Three winters of moving or losing our stuff and I made but a dent
shooting for next to nothing before I go to never never land
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T o C
#2478
18AUG23
Still have not gone on the first ride with Andy and Bonnie of the year
and it is beyond pathetic how little attention the gardens have got
The reasons I work these ridiculous hours is not even clear
but I have a treasure chest of memories from adventures that they once bought
Top
T o C
#2479
19AUG23
I ask you questions in a journal and know that only quiet comes
but I remember butterflies and the power of every kiss
The echo of I Love You on the telephone and the pain it numbs
and a glace in a crowded room full of your beautiful love I miss
Top
T o C
#2480
20AUG23
Three years and seven months seems like a flash and an entire age
I accept that you are gone but do not much like the man it made
Somehow you pulled me from my gutter onto your love story's stage
and I am standing here alone after the final scene was played
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T o C
#2481
21AUG23
The first bike ride of the season is in the books
and maybe that black Goldwing is not as bad as I thought
So memories seem more like flowers here than hooks
and now the love we shared looks as glorious as it ought
Top
T o C
#2482
22AUG23
Sometimes I think I could write verse to you till all time runs out
then some days I wonder why I am sitting here with my pen
I guess the celebration of love is what it is about
and gratitude for places in heart where you and I have been
Top
T o C
#2483
23AUG23
I got home after seven and I need to leave at four
how did you put up with a guy who had no time to spare
But when I had a moment you were ready for some more
and no matter when I needed you you were always there
Top
T o C
#2484
24AUG23
The only thing that is missing now is not the love but the act of share
I know all the steps that we once took but the dance now is so far away
It is not like you poured love into my heart but you showed me what was there
that is why there will always be joy in my heart like a lovers' bouquet
Top
T o C
#2485
25AUG23
Four months until Christmas and we know how quick that can go
it's breath in and breath out and how do days fly by so fast
In almost nineteen years your love I was starting to know
if I could but relive one of those loving moments passed
Top
T o C
#2486
26AUG23
Got a surprise Saturday off and I hope to pull a thousand weeds
it makes me laugh out loud to see the hermit gardener I have become
But that is good as I slowly learn to live with this heart that still bleeds
I don't care where I am going when love's fairy tale is where I am from
Top
T o C
#2487
27AUG23
I think I did pull a thousand weeds on the other side of God Dam
but two of the four "shrubs" (?) that we planted are not faring very well
Have been trying not to replace them but I think that next year I am
just here disintergrating into nothing but no one else can tell
Top
T o C
#2488
28AUG23
Not sure if it is possible but can you help out my soon coming dad
you had a certainty about your beliefs that was admirable at the least
I got so comfortable with you by my side I forgot what I had
but the support you gave me made me strong and in your absence it has never ceased
Top
T o C
#2489
29AUG23
Circumstance seems to make our journeys not the same
yet my mother may be in the shoes I once wore
Nuture and nature seem to only make us lame
but the side affect is ever loving you more
Top
T o C
#2490
30AUG23
I tried to mail a birthday card yesterday with no name and address
maybe I just truly cannot afford to pay attention
Sometimes I am completely surprised that I have survived this distress
the thought of not having you is still beyond comprehension
Top
T o C
#2491
31AUG23
Not sure how three hours can slide by while I get ready to leave
probably getting lost in meditation is the culprit here
Missing you now almost does not seem to be any shade of grieve
but it seems that I would give my last breath just to feel you were near
Top
T o C
#2492
1SEPT23
Brenda's birthday is today so Jenn is not too far behind
it is so much fun shopping for cards I might be years ahead
Of course I still miss the days back when love was completely blind
or maybe it still is but I have grown used to being led
Top
T o C
#2493
2SEPT23
Another trip to Maine to start the three day weekend
maybe the longest day with Jenn in a decade or two
Could be like surviving that van ride as a godsend
and a bit more practice trying to live life missing you
Top
T o C
#2494
#2494
3SEPT23
I think Jenn had a good time and Mad Libs got laughs all around
it looked like Dad was trying not to let being on hospice bring him down
Mom explained with joy the new visitation routine she found
and maybe family is the most appropriate place for grief to drown
Top
T o C
#2495
4SEPT23
All the thoughts of writing more have produced nary a line
and all this missing you has not changed a thing
The unimaginable came and went and I am fine
and in ten or eleven weeks I will sing
Top
T o C
#2496
5SEPT23
Every day in a journal I say that I miss you and wonder if you know
what if it is just like a dream and when you wake up there you completely forget
Happily I carry with me the wonderful memories you put in my stow
and if someday it may all disappear I am glad that it is not someday yet
Top
T o C
#2497
6SEPT23
In nine days Jenn turns thirty-eight and that was a great year for me
falling in love with you shall always be the highlight that changed the world
I may never know what you did but I know that it set me free
allowing me to face anything that in my direction was hurled
Top
T o C
#2498
7SEPT23
At first you were such a crazy beautiful dream
then day by day with heart and duty you made it real
But now I water flowers by the pond and stream
so deeply grateful for all you ever made me feel
Top
T o C
#2499
8SEPT23
Watering the gardens in the heat seems it should be a summer thing
which it is but people are decorating houses for Halloween
While I sit a minute with your crystal just holding your wedding ring
pondering the opposites of life and death from this place in between
Top
T o C
#2500
9SEPT23
Gayle's birthday is tomorrow do you see her much
is this dream world even a memory any more
Am I a fallen here dreaming of your touch
or am I just a shadow on some forgotten shore
Top
T o C
#2501
10SEPT23
I remember visiting Gayle while you could not stop crying in the other room
not once did I think I would end our marriage in a hospital visiting you
Now appraoching four years later I have clawed my way past most of the gloom
but I am totally saddened by the fact that I cannot ask you what to do
Top
T o C
#2502
11SEPT23
So many years ago we decided we had to go on that cruise
my messy long curls got my luguage searched at every gate
The world may have gotten crazier but let me set sail with my muse
and the first of a chain of honeymoons set course for our fate
Top
T o C
#2503
#2503
12SEPT23
I get another card ready for the mail with the address and all
thank you for showing me that it is the little things that matter most
I guess at half way through September I'm safe to decorate for fall
and if you happen to wander here I would just be a better host
Top
T o C
#2504
13SEPT23
Some days I feel bad for not writing you a thousand verses
and other days I wonder if I should have stopped long ago
To love another day I would accept a thousand curses
but I can only remember the love that you let me know
Top
T o C
#2505
14SEPT23
I wake up to another day of morning routine that is without a bride
do not know what I want to do or if I want to do what I do not know
I do the dishes and make the bed and act like I've taken this loss in stride
there seems to be no direction though at times I feel I am ready to go
Top
T o C
#2506
15SEPT23
Just keep geting up for work and doing the morning routine
could it all be habit as there seems to be no desire
But there is joy in my heart from the years of love it has seen
and sometimes it seems I smell the smoke of that distant fire
Top
T o C
#2507
16SEPT23
Six hours into a three hour morning routine
got your ring on my finger and am trying to plan the day
Grab the Caddy and distilled water so I can clean
and realize again that our last touch is so far away
Top
T o C
#2508
17SEPT23
Turned off the air conditioner this morning
not sure if later in the day it will be back on
The joy of weather changes without warning
and echoes of love in my heart to which I am drawn
Top
T o C
#2509
18SEPT23
I may be hampered by this false sense of sanity I entertain
and maybe I fight this urge to go crazy a little bit too hard
Accepting that the love of my life has died does not really seem sane
but as long as I breathe I might as well play for the Queen as a bard
Top
T o C
#2510
19SEPT23
There are not even words to describe what it meant to be in your care
you taught me what kind of heaven that living here on this earth could be
But somehow it all was forgotten because you were no longer there
yet I could be just a few more of your habits from finding that free
Top
T o C
#2511
20SEPT23
Sometimes it seems that at this rate in the end I will know nothing at all
when I take that last breath and close my eyes will I awaken to see you
Is it but an incredible dream and your mirage just answered my call
did verse come forty five years ago so today I'd have something to do
Top
T o C
#2512
21SEPT23
The weather changes and the dahlias begin to bloom
but a lot of flowers this year did not fare so well
It feels as if the earth continues my doom and gloom
yet it can never take back my time under your spell
Top
T o C
#2513
22SEPT23
Thinking of getting that HUGE work coat you tried on out for cold rides
while the more reasonable me says to just put the Goldwing away
Between remembering you and moving on my heart will not take sides
I'm waiting in emotional Switzerland for Santa and his sleigh
Top
T o C
#2514
23SEPT23
Spent almost two decades not being able to imagine you being gone
and how many times did I ask you please to try to live until eighty-three
Even now with this traitorous clock I cannot imagine my moving on
while further away slip the memories of our simple together and be
Top
T o C
#2515
24SEPT23
Two months until Thanksgiving and another winter alone
the hope is to continue to dispose of too many things
Is there anything left in the rubble from seeds you have sown
is it but the echo of our love that in my heart now sings
Top
T o C
#2516
25SEPT23
I breathe in and I breathe out and I am just carried along
some small steps were taken as Jim Kwik says that all things are done
You were the only one who ever made me feel I belong
I am an alien again but I remember the one
Top
T o C
#2517
26SEPT23
Sat home in the rain with a chicken and played Pogo games
had planned to work on the site but I took a nap instead
Procrastination and laziness are some of my names
and echoes of you roam corridors in my lonely head
Top
T o C
#2518
27SEPT23
It seems I enjoy work less and less as days go by
I wonder of course if it is but seasonal gloom
I think of you and see your pictures but do not cry
would it do my heart good to take a ride to the Flume
Top
T o C
#2519
28SEPT23
Are you able to help others as they cross the "forever" line?
you took care of your siblings then children and then good care of me
It seems miracles and blessings from heaven are what made you mine
I wonder what miracles and blessings were waiting there for thee
Top
T o C
#2520
29SEPT23
Somehow I forgot to put my lunch things away
all this Superbrain "funwork" to get where you were
Still amazed at your level of care to this day
as with the utter complete of my then defer
Top
T o C
#2521
30SEPT23
I almost feel like a single man and it scares the hell out of me
lived that horror show for almost thirty-nine years and would not go back
Karma used me against two other wives but they quickly set me free
the only thing that lasted longer than marriage to you is Bob's Mack
Top
T o C
#2522
1OCT23
It is a new month and I have no Earthly father any more
I do not know what it should mean or how I am supposed to be
Of course I wonder if you met him over on that other shore
would it that it was I for what a beautiful sight you would be
Top
T o C
#2523
2OCT23
I still wonder how long I should write and why I do not write more
and it is time for the anxious and nervous of winter that looms
This year is exercise speed reading and website work in unsure
and if all goes well climbing back in the Mack when the work resumes
Top
T o C
#2524
3OCT23
Fourteen hours in the Mack and I think I was junk
but I made another salad and put myself to bed
I set sail a ship of dreams but I think that it sunk
while I listen to shadows of our love dance in my head
Top
T o C
#2525
4OCT23
The AC was back on for a heat wave that is coming through
eighty-two today sixty-two on Saturday happy fall
Brought in four more flowers and of course it made me think of you
in fantasies I am flying but in real life I just crawl
Top
T o C
#2526
5OCT23
Quite possibly the worst part of this is the humdrum of proceed
how can it all not tell that my Baby is not here
It's like I have this fatal fatal wound and am being told not to bleed
maybe I did not taste Heaven but you took me near
Top
T o C
#2527
6OCT23
I sit now by dahlias as they have begun to bloom
using one of your Grey Goose glasses is but an added frill
Pondering the ludicrous of my empty heart's room
so far past your exit it is absurd I am shaking still
Top
T o C
#2528
7OCT23
None of us exists because the past and future are but a dream
some now was full of love I thought we shared
But parts of me are the results of the fact that we were a team
and I am the man I am because you cared
Top
T o C
#2529
8OCT23
Rushing through the routine so I can update your volume before I leave
mostly because I thought napping yesterday would save me from sleeping late
Going to a private celebration of life with not much left to grieve
carrying on my pinky finger all that is left of my precious mate
Top
T o C
#2530
9OCT23
"Bye bye Baby Gyrl" is the chorus I say to the photo booth pix
before I turn off the computer and go down the hall to bed alone
And sometimes it seems that I am trying to swim with a ton of bricks
or that all that is left of me is this lonely that chills me to the bone
Top
T o C
#2531
10OCT23
Then I have to get back in the Mack knowing I must go on
and sometimes I regain that feeling of being where I should
While the beautiful dahlias accompany me to the dawn
but now I am the one cheering me on from where you once stood
Top
T o C
#2532
11OCT23
I don't think it ever occured to me that I might be someone's fairy tale
it was only in hindsight that I even realized I might have helped you
It is sort of sad living on the other side of holding the holy grail
but I imagine it is the duty that one of each two lovers must do
Top
T o C
#2533
12OCT23
The only things I seem sure of are the things I do not know
like do you think of Earth as you maneuver the great beyond
Although there does appear to be a very strong urge to grow
maybe it's Halloween-ish but I have the urge to abscond
Top
T o C
#2534
13OCT23
So many dahlias came in from your gardens after work yesterday
and the beauty and joy seemed like a moment of deja vu
Guess the rebellious boy in me wishes that there was another way
but apparently I am forced to keep breathing without you
Top
T o C
#2535
14OCT23
The sad part about flowers all over the house is throwing flowers away
yellows are still my best bloomers but this year those with reds and orange came through
A couple more little red with yellow center border dahlias joined the fray
and all of these stem from a conversation I had about ashes with you
Top
T o C
#2536
15OCT23
Another Sunday lollygagging along getting ready to update your site
and Phil seems to think your volume is full of hope and healing
I suppose on a planet of billions there are others on this very same plight
but it feels like I am the only one left who is reeling
Top
T o C
#2537
16OCT23
I still love the days I can put your ring on my finger
and all of the fresh cut flowers are a beauty beyond measure
Here in a house full of pictures where eyes often linger
all you were and all you left me have become my treasure
Top
T o C
#2538
17OCT23
You saved me from myself by stepping in and taking the lead
but could it have been as accidental as my acquiesce
Yet now that you have gone away again I have begun to bleed
and see that horrors unaddressed when buried only abscess
Top
T o C
#2539
18OCT23
I forgot to mail Aden's birthday card and hope it is not late
so I have to hit the post office on the way to work today
While I battle life's tide dragging all of this nonsensical freight
because my heart cannot overcome the fact that you have gone away
Top
T o C
#2540
19OCT23
Had plans of reading cleaning and working out when work ended
then injured my left elbow severly doing something dumb
Some of the big cleaning and working out may be suspended
but the reading could inspire an escape from all of this numb
I sit by your ring and crystal and pictures in black and white
looking at the mess I've made of pay stubs and more things to shred
Coming home to hugs and kisses seems like it was just last night
but some days the din of lonely is subdued by things you said
Top
T o C
#2541
20OCT23
Aden's birthday is today and the clock keeps us moving on
going to call Franny to see if his card even came in
It would appear that my luggage is the sorrow of your gone
yet I think it would travel well if I knew where to begin
Top
T o C
#2542
21OCT23
It is the weekend so I have your ring upon my finger
the rain has given me two days of splendid isolation
So I can light the crystal and take a moment to linger
to pervert the sadness of survival with adulation
Top
T o C
#2543
22OCT23
Tomorrow is a milestone unlike Friday's eight months and three years
just a solo celebration of a change of paths that I made
My life has had so many changes it is like I just switched gears
all of those seemed so much better when I was standing in your shade
Top
T o C
#2544
23OCT23
The Dahlia Lady sent an email explaining when the tubers should be dug
the first frost just tells the plant to store its essence under ground
So I guess the past three years I have been a little quick to pull the plug
it makes me happy when new helps for my Queen's gardens is found
Top
T o C
#2545
24OCT23
Less than a month from Thanksgiving and a round of holidays without you
with thirteen hour work days traveling in and coming home in the dark
I have these meditations and a reading list for winter things to do
but the monotony of this mundane could certainly use a new spark
Top
T o C
#2546
25OCT23
There was frost on the windshield so the rubers are almost ready to dig
and it has been quite nice to see a bright bloom no matter which way I turn
Now once again "I am trapped within my little cage needing to be big"*
forever again reaching back but now it is for wonders that I yearn
* #52 in Volume I
Top
T o C
#2547
26OCT23
Knowing how you loved being home alone I see the decorating was for you
your self care was not a trophy to display but only a source of strength to use
I guess I need to love myself the way you did to do the things that you would do
but I think I am doing fairly well for a widower missing a few screws
Top
T o C
#2548
27OCT23
I have thirty books on the reading list for winter this year
from Chinese sci-fi to a HUGE God/Man tome from Annmarie
Hope to put the website into gear not knowing how to steer
all along still quite unsure how without you I want to be
Top
T o C
#2549
28OCT23
Long day yesterday and the Mack broke down
due to others taking days off I get a truck
Though I no longer feel like I will drown
the weight of all this sorrow I just cannot buck
Top
T o C
#2550
29OCT23
The weather changed abruptly as an Indian summer week left us unprepared
raining on a Sunday so I can leave the leafblower alone without regret
I believe the last of the dahlias are cut and have been multi-media shared
November's lot rent is ready to be mailed with no idea how I can forget
But it would not surprise me at all if it turned out to be cardiac issues
because something has been terribly wrong with my heart ever since the day you left
I guess it has gotten better because I no longer buy as many tissues
although there are moments I am completely defeated by this travesty's heft
Top
T o C
#2551
30OCT23
Halloween is tomorrow and I have no candy to give
you used to buy so much and you knew that it all would be mine
You took my whole heart and that is something I cannot outlive
but if it means alone forever I am completely fine
Top
T o C
#2552
31OCT23
Halloween is upon us and because of an injury I cannot put on my mask
simply pulled the door closed after climbing gingerly into the truck
Is trying to remember that my body is aging really such an arduous task
the fact that I lived in love with you is proof I am a man of luck
Top
T o C
#2553
1NOV23
The calendar says November and my heart says it does not matter
the cold of coming winter cannot touch the frozen of all I am
Oh I've had a broken heart before but did not know it could shatter
squeezing every echo of your love for drops of peace by God Dam
Top
T o C
#2554
2NOV23
Still I get all anxious as the season comes to a close for me
your autumn decorations are still hanging or sitting in each room
And still there are times that it seems as if I am no longer free
as if my breath was taken away and I wait for it to resume
Top
T o C
#2555
3NOV23
I am going to find out if I waited too long to dig up dahlias in the spring
also I am hoping to have a presentable website designed and built by then
With less arduous projects projected for winter I can spend it wearing your ring
not sure I can remember what it was like but it feels like I am living again
Top
T o C
#2556
4NOV23
Morgan is hosting Thanksgiving at her new apartment this year
so I am trying to give a turkey away and decide what to do
What once was paralysis from grief may now have turned into fear
fear if I make a wrong move I lose the magic I got from you
Top
T o C
#2557
5NOV23
I bought two more cards for birthdays though there must be twenty in the drawer
Tarbell thanksgiving is in Florida and I don't know what to do
Alas I guess being fulfilled by you has become my fatal flaw
but being fulfilled by you is probably the reason I pulled through
Top
T o C
#2558
6NOV23
Morgan's birthday card goes in the mail cuz how long does Florida take
then it is Derek's birthday and then Andy and Bonnie get married
The website is "dangerous" again and I don't know what moves to make
and again I am amazed with how much in life you carried
Top
T o C
#2559
7NOV23
I barely managed to get my truck with a dying clutch through the day
and I am so done with this season that I could literally scream
But they will to have me work and are willing to prove they have a way
so I will do just as you did now long ago in our lovers' dream
Top
T o C
#2560
8NOV23
I do love the picture of you with that bandana by rushing water at the flume
much like every other picture that shows just how happy you were to be with me
As I start to see life is passing me by while I am waiting for it to resume
for somehow my heart does not understand that a life without you can possibly be
Top
T o C
#2561
9NOV23
Another court document to review and sign for the law firm
and I wonder if Paul Pizzano has come to truth in his mind
I have been told not to worry and that this might just go long-term
my mourning and the duties of the day have become intertwined
Top
T o C
#2562
10NOV23
Another Friday rolls around but it is mid-November
one flower is left in the last blue glass but it should be gone
And I am here in my great beyond trying to remember
what it actually was before you I laid hope upon
Top
T o C
#2563
11NOV23
Started my three hour routine over five hours ago
have your ring on my finger and thoughts of you are on my brain
Thought I might be bulding a prison again but now I know
my memories of loving you are my wind and not my chain
Top
T o C
#2564
12NOV23
So I was sitting at The Bar talking to Renee and she is reading my site
the karaoke DJ Phil told her about it and she wants her aunt to read
I only want to see Amy the kissing bartender to ask about our plight
is this some insane ploy I have devised that might eventually stop the bleed
Top
T o C
#2565
13NOV23
Sending out a couple of checks and this year's last birthday card
a week from Thursday is Thanksgiving which I will spend at Dan's
I guess breathing without you is natural but still seems hard
and my feelings lie when they tell me no one else understands
Top
T o C
#2566
14NOV23
It feels like a week from tomorrow is such an unachievable date
and I will spend more time in this haunted house that holds the echo of home
I guess I do not want to see this earth as some hell but it is too late
for without the magic of your touch it seems but a wasteland I now roam
Top
T o C
#2567
15NOV23
And the walls come tumbling down seems the feeling of this season
and it is almost time for winter without my baby again
Maybe I should feel the way I feel and stop looking for reason
and maybe where I go has nothing to do with where I have been
Top
T o C
#2568
16NOV23
In a week I will be at Dan's with him and Franny and the boys
Morgan is hosting Thanksgiving in Florida this year oh my
I will try just like you to celebrate family with all its joys
and maybe this year get through the season without needing to cry
Top
T o C
#2569
17NOV23
I wonder what visualization makes living like
remembering things we did to blackness is all I know
But I do remember days we spent riding on the bike
and I do remember living life full of our love's glow
Top
T o C
#2570
18NOV23
One might think I would be good at living this dichotomy by now
from six grueling days of work a week to flat out see you in the spring
Grieving this loss and believing no one can die together some how
writing my heart out in a journal while sitting here wearing your ring
Top
T o C
#2571
19NOV23
Saw friends I have not seen in years last night
and I believe I now have a full heart
Though life without you may never seem right
I think I want to take a bigger part
Top
T o C
#2572
20NOV23
Thanksgiving week is here and the winter looms before me like a mirage
gonna spend the big day up at Dan's like once upon a time we did
Adding more holiday memories to the life past the Queen collage
pulling myself out of the isolation into which I have slid
Top
T o C
#2573
21NOV23
Looks like a long day then a tedious breeze of a winter
was just telling Sarah that I have a new routine to form
Maybe use some stock making poetry cards with the printer
and ninety days of extra poems in hopes of keeping warm
Top
T o C
#2574
22NOV23
And boom the agony of a season's many defeats slips into the past
then I wake mid-dream because I lost your ring but find it right where it belongs
Right here on the crystal at the table where I write lines where our love can last
the time has come when I sit with strangers and scream out my heart to you with songs
Top
T o C
#2575
23NOV23
Thanksgiving it the best time for me to think of you
yet in one day I could not count all that you have done
Still chills me to the bone to have found a love so true
and I am beyond delighted that you were the one
Top
T o C
#2576
24NOV23
Thanksgiving was wonderful and the boys are getting so big
had chores lined up for today but I think now just turkey soup
It is kind of hard to believe I no longer have to dig
that almost four years has gone by and it is time to regroup
I do not want to set you aside yet you are now long gone
and it has been a lonely relationship for quite some time
The past is certainly nothing I can place my hopes upon
though here and now there seems to be no end to all of this rhyme
Top
T o C
#2577
25NOV23
I miss your company on these long trips to Maine
and I miss the total comfort of being in your care
Is getting used to this improvement or insane
and how can I possibly be okay without you there
Top
T o C
#2578
26NOV23
Today is the last day of "vacation" before more Mindvalley and my workouts start
four years of reluctantly deciding to declutter it seems I've not begun
Guess the fifty-eight totes and truck load of furniture did not even dust my heart
still each item I place a hand on is a precious gem that I got from the one
Top
T o C
#2579
26NOV23 #2
Have not even updated your volume and it is creeping into afternoon
now almost four years since your "passing" and it seems that half of the house is still yours
At this rate I will not even finish looking back at the bell that will toll soon
and I am beginning to see that whether heaven or hell I drown in befores
Top
T o C
#2580
27NOV23
D day has arrived and the money needs to go where the mouth is
threw a bag of old work shirts away and stacked some clothes to donate
A schizophrenic version of Felix and Oscar from show biz
of course added to umpteen million other things to fill my plate
I miss the outside opinion you were always ready to give
and I do miss the accuracy of your interpretation
Even years without you I have not yet figured out how to live
or begun to step beyond this magical infatuation
Top
T o C
#2581
28NOV23
Still I am not ready to live without you by my side
moving further from the nightmare of your end and my demise
Seems again I have no direction but am on a ride
just trying not to treat each breath as something I despise
Top
T o C
#2582
28NOV23 #2
So I cleaned the front room and the kitchen really good today
of course the living room and the back room took a brutal hit
At least I got it started I guess there is no other way
so glad I got tired of living with all those piles of shit
Seems clutter creates more clutter and there is never an end
not sure how you kept it neat with all the extra stuff we had
So it's winter four of throwing things away and try to mend
wondering if there is an end to this overwhelming sad
Top
T o C
#2583
29NOV23
Started a new quest on Mindvalley and cleaned the kitchen and front room
two days into the five on two off workout and that was really hard
Maybe I need to get this place in order for my life to resume
maybe it just returned to that once upon a time life of a bard
Top
T o C
#2584
29NOV23 #2
So I am going to game night because Georgia asked me to
maybe we are the new odd couple and she did not like me
She looked at me just like at Dunkin Donuts you used to do
it's just innocent fun but maybe what it's supposed to be
Top
T o C
#2585
29NOV23 #3
I start the second week of my fourth lay off since I had you
two rooms are now cleaned and most of the counter behind the sink
I cannot bring myself to take down pictures though we are through
without visualization they feel like my final link
Top
T o C
#2586
30NOV23
This Ultra Presence claims to be able to clear out what is in the way
maybe I am afraid that it will "help" me to move too far beyond you
Imagine being scared of no longer being sad keeping tears at bay
logic and feeling in deafening roar demand opposite ways of do
Top
T o C
#2587
30NOV23 #2
Had so many plans and a lazy day is all that I could get done
did my lesson and four sets on the workout but had to catch my breath
Couldn't seem to muster the ambition to go on an errand run
I just sort of got sucked into the apathy of this living death
I have been told that you would not want me sitting here moping around
I imagine that is true though you never seemed to care what I did
But I cannot believe how this loneliness rages without a sound
looking for something to catch my eye but it seems I fell off the grid
Top
T o C
#2588
1DEC23
Half the pond is covered with ice as my heart seems to be beginning to thaw
hoping to go get the Caddy scheduled for work and maybe even the wing
The future still calls with its what why and who and my heart is completely raw
think your brother has just arrived and after his wake tonight I will go sing
Top
T o C
#2589
2DEC23
Twenty-two days till the Eve at your daughter's and Christmas cheer
probably time I put some of those Christmas cards in the mail
Maybe get online to buy some presents without leaving here
and yet a nightmare at the mall seems to happen without fail
Top
T o C
#2590
2DEC23 #2
I finally cleaned your little fridge to put out by the road
though the rest of the day was spent hanging out in the front room
Seems as if every chore is suddenly a mega load
and most of the things I want to do are shrouded in gloom
Top
T o C
#2591
3DEC23
Left just after four to take the Caddy to the garage with little brake
I may or may not have asked for help it being your least favorite thing
I have paid for a lot of work because of the rides that we would take
and how on trips to Jersey your anticipation would make my heart sing
Top
T o C
#2592
3DEC23 #2
A most excellent time at Murphy's with Jenn and Josh and Bonnie and Andy
finished with the last of the fifteen minute speed reading sessions so now more
Reasons to leave our house for a while sure do seem to come in awful handy
although nothing can compare to the feeling I get when I walk through that door
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T o C
#2593
4DEC23
Murphy's was excellent snow squalls and all
a family reunion like some Sunday past
Of course now its memories I recall
and if hindsight serves me these also will not last
It all comes back to moments that we share
and the love with which these moments we try to fill
Which takes me back to moments you were there
and memories of love that time just cannot kill
Top
T o C
#2594
4DEC23 #2
I read of subterfuge and ball lightning on the Asian continent amok
and wonder if the whole of all I do is not just a designed distraction
Could it possibly be the obvious outcome of the way I was struck
has a case against the arbitors of fate reached the jury's satisfaction
Top
T o C
#2595
5DEC23
Workout week number two started out much better than expected
the Christmas list in now on a text chat but pretty much the same
Wonderfully odd having Alexis text me who was selected
so keeping up with grandkids growing seems to be the newest game
Top
T o C
#2596
6DEC23
Christmas cards went in the mail but the list got shorter
and I missed the first week of the trash going out full
I want to be rid of all that made me a hoarder
but maybe like rid of this sadness it is all bull
Top
T o C
#2597
6DEC23 #2
I am on another leg of this journey to better myself
each step of the way seems to empty a bit and take on some more
I have known for quite some time I have too much sitting on my shelf
but I am so afraid of missing you less than I did before
Top
T o C
#2598
7DEC23
Again I work out on weekdays and think it does me good
again I wear your wedding band and see pictures of the past
Again I feel trapped within the chance of would, could, or should
yet now I know beyond any doubt that none of it will last
Top
T o C
#2599
7DEC23 #2
Work Christmas party tomorrow nothing like the good ole days
drinks and food and shaking hands and swearshirts in a bag
No post it numbers on the wall with handing out presents craze
merry Christmas wishes and a plate full of food before the seconds drag
Another season that has driven us completely crazy
now my two weeks gone pretending I have some important things I must do
Even the painful start of my working out has grown hazy
while two weeks into my speed reading practice I am still on Cixin Liu
It just seems like one more thing that I have to do without you
no one twisted my arm but it feels like the senior driver ought to go
I suppose I should find better reasons for the things I do
but reason itself seems to be just a fairy tale that I used to know
Top
T o C
#2600
8DEC23
I love the part in the morning routine where I write a poem to you
so it has not drawn a tear in quite some time and should that not feel good
For so many years our love was the reason for all that I would do
has the time now come for the basket and the eggs to be understood
Top
T o C
#2601
9DEC23
Imagination cannot seem to surmount the walls of experience
that at least I have learned since holding your hand
And loving an angel who has departed brings with it an eerie sense
so by rationale and logic has been banned
But the sanity of such decisions within my realm is not that clear
so if moving on lacks adoration no
Letting go should not be a skillet into which my heart is put to sear
yet I must admit the distance has to grow
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T o C
#2602
9DEC23 #2
Two weeks from tomorrow is the Eve and then the day
Jenn and Josh are heading north I hope just for a bit
Planning a trip to the mall for the last of Christmas play
waiting for my Christmas cheer but I think you were it
Top
T o C
#2603
10DEC23
If I could advise the younger me it would be write a poem every day
the few that I see when pasting the "feature" poems is pathetic at its best
Then "Merry Christmas, Lover Girl" stands out louder than all the rest could say
untouchable in its purity and all the love for you that it confessed
Top
T o C
#2604
11DEC23
I thought for a fleeting and joyous moment I have avoided the mall
but I need a dress shirt for the wedding and some ideas for gifts to give
So it sounds like an alarm on Tuesday and shop until I have it all
skin of the teeth and seat of the pants and boot straps is how I choose to live
You know the holiday angst I make myself suffer each end of the year
most folk call them triggers so I meditate in hopes that no one gets shot
But you know that January twentieth is now coming very near
and no matter how much times passes my heart still misses you a whole lot
Top
T o C
#2605
12DEC23
Procrastination only allows the lack of anticipation to echo within my apathy
that sentient shadow that desperately tries to protect me from all of the positive light that I need
But I sheath my plastic sword and prepare to drive to the mall and enter the Christmas fray half-heartedly
knowing that worn and wounded I get to celebrate the holiday with your family just like I need
Top
T o C
#2606
13DEC23
Round one which was meant to be followed by "and done" was a bust
but I remember parking with you by that big pile of snow
The red truck was retired by a mistaken "too much rust"
so it is off in defeat to the mall again that I go
Shopping for grandkids who are growing so fast I do not know
and dress shirts for myself because I am growing too fast too
So grateful to remember all the love that you had to show
and for all of those years that I got to live happy with you
Top
T o C
#2607
14DEC23
The second run to the mall was much more successful than the first
I found that the big boy clothes might cost me an arm and a leg
Not sure if shopping or the mall or expectaions are the worst
I just think I lost my belief in the goose with the golden egg
It's not like I thought wonderful was something I would ever see
and I do not think you thought you were magic and casting a spell
But I know beyond a doubt you did something beautiful to me
yet I could write about it forever and not begin to tell
Top
T o C
#2608
14DEC23 #2
I survived the Christmas shopping nightmare I staged at the mall
round two I met a couple of friends and got to talk for a while
The list is dramatically shorter but I got them all
and I am pretty sure I managed to do it with a smile
Of course I am happier here where I see pictures of you
though I have implemented training that should help that inner eye
Even without visualization you help all I do
and you showed me no matter what you always get up and try
Top
T o C
#2609
15DEC23
Had a great night at The East Side Club with Bonnie and Andy
sining favortie songs that are not on The Bar's just onve list
I delivered Comfortably Numb just like it was candy
a slew of other songs you would have been grateful to have missed
Top
T o C
#2610
16DEC23
Only eight days until Brenda's house for the Eve
only five and thirty until it has been four years
Just kept falling and trying again to believe
so now I live on the dark side of hope with no tears
Top
T o C
#2611
17DEC23
Working out again after a long break and helping you leave
the elbow I injured is feeling a little better too
Not sure this poetry is in the category of grieve
but I do miss those slow Sunday mornings waiting to see you
Top
T o C
#2612
18DEC23
One week till Christmas and my throat feels like it is on fire
guess I will have plenty of time to wrap gifts in quarantine
Jenn thinks I need a doctor but I don't see it as dire
and just for a moment I am glad not to be with my Queen
Top
T o C
#2613
19DEC23
Just the lingering of a cough and some chest congestion
the water is so high from the rain it is running through the yard
So is it okay to ask a rhetorical question
is the difference so big we cannot talk or is it just barred
Top
T o C
#2614
19DEC23 #2
Going for another rotisserie and some sandwich meats
my favorite sourdough and see what else I might find
Still got the echo from that doctor keeping me from sweets
sort of feels like I am living long after I resigned
Top
T o C
#2615
20DEC23
It is time to pull out that fancy bag full of paper and tags and bows
the one that with the remodel ended up with its own closet and door
I love all that once was yours its a good thing I don't fit into your clothes
if I could just believe my life could be half as good as it was before
Top
T o C
#2616
20DEC23 #2
One month and you will have been gone for four years
put a metal roof on and finished the footings at last
So many plans I am always in arrears
trying to learn new things and I am going nowhere fast
Now Christmas Eve is only four days away
and I think I might have gotten half the presents wrapped
More scratch tickets from Mrs. Clause for the day
pretending for a few more hours that I am not trapped
Top
T o C
#2617
21DEC23
While Christmas creeps closer I remember writing to you back in June
here at the end of a cold or a flu that may have been accented by age
So it would seem that I will see your side of the divide all too soon
but today I will honor the love that you gave me with purple ink on page
Top
T o C
#2618
21DEC23 #2
Hannaford's no longer sells scratch tickets so I hit Mobil with my hundreds of bucks
it's seventy-two hours from Christmas at Brenda's and I am about to explode
Seems I do better at five A. M. sitting at the asphalt plant in a line of trucks
and maybe I will just never get used to not getting all the love that you once showed
Top
T o C
#2619
22DEC23
Stayed up till two dilly-dallying and getting all the wrapping done
and then I separated scratch tickets so now it's mid-afternoon
Guess I have failed completely if all of this is supposed to be fun
and just like my marriage to you it will all be over far too soon
Top
T o C
#2620
23DEC23
Trying so hard to dig up a little Christmas cheer
guess as far as that goes things have not changed all that much
But it was a whole lot easier when you were here
and I sure as hell miss all the magic of your touch
Top
T o C
#2621
24DEC23
Saved way too much to do for today and then I woke up late
might have to peel and slice avocados tomorrow to eat
Obviously scheduling has a lot to do with fate
and whatever you had is what it took to make me complete
Top
T o C
#2622
25DEC23
Jenn's Mom had a stroke and she is up in Bangor by her side
so glad she had Josh to drive her up and return for supplies
I feel so helpless like I learned nothing from this crazy ride
as even with your passing my beliefs fell to compromise
Top
T o C
#2623
26DEC23
So most of Christmas has been celebrated and time just pushes on
but in a hospital room up in Maine a family again begins to grieve
I sat with the father years ago while he spoke with those who had gone
and I assume that you are part of the crowd that gathers there waiting to receive
Top
T o C
#2624
27DEC23
Andy stopped by so we talked out in the rain for an hour
about how things have progressed and how then you wanted to know
How time has an appetite that continues to devour
and what time Sunday to help set up the wedding I should go
Top
T o C
#2625
28DEC23
Jenn's Mom has come to join you on the other side
and I am left here not knowing what I should say
While I am reminded of all the tears I cried
and the utter of dispair I felt on that day
Top
T o C
#2626
#2626
29DEC23
Tryijng to help Jenn through the overwhelm I have yet to escape
basically hoping I don't say too many wrong things in a row
It is pitiless the way the government puts us through red tape
as it is I should try to lead her on a road I do not know
Top
T o C
#2627
30DEC23
Ready to drive to Bangor to help Jenn move some of her Mom's things
Derek said it was very strange to see pictures of Linda Beal
Guess sometimes after the bell has tolled it is odd that it still rings
then again so much of the last four years seems like it is not real
Top
T o C
#2628
31DEC23
That little boy on his tiptoes in the bathroom mirror that did not think 2000 could come
had a lot of surprises he quickly let down along his tumultuous way
But he had no idea that you were coming when he raged against fate demanding he get some
as he knows all the gifts that you gave him are worth more than he could ever repay
Top
T o C
#2629
1JAN24
It feels as if something is changing and I am afraid of what it brings
possibly it is just notice of what has been changing along the way
The brain and the heart are acquiantances but I am not sure which one clings
though somehow at the core I am beginning to feel that I am okay
Top
T o C
#2630
2JAN24
Poetry Palace TV may actually be going on air
lawyer Bob has the public television contract and now my eye
Georgia will be my producer because residency is the fare
still don't know if I can read your verse but looks like I'm going to try
Top
T o C
#2631
3JAN24
Well the television show for Palace TV is about to be
really not sure when and if I will be able to read your poems though
The plan is to get to your volume in twenty-six and kind of see
but give the audience the website and if they want they can go
Top
T o C
#2632
4JAN24
Now I get to go crazy thinking about a television show
trying to avoid negative messages past attitudes have placed
It seems that when you were here and when you were gone you helped me to grow
that even my hopes of tomorrow's success back to you can be traced
Top
T o C
#2633
5JAN24
Gotta get the printer going this weekend for my television script
eventually I should email the show for a teleprompter read
It's neither station nor circumstance but I feel like I am ill-equipped
and in the long view I sure hope two years is long enough to stop the bleed
Top
T o C
#2634
6JAN24
Palace TV is down to the wire with my solitary Show Must Go On!
a lack of composure delayed YouTube readings and now it is going on air
Here in the middle of a game I call life yet somehow I still feel like a pawn
with a two year plan to reach this volume hoping for composure when I get there
Top
T o C
#2635
7JAN24
First big snowfall of the season and the shoveling must start
think Andy said fifty-one on Wednesday so it might not stay
All I know is that I will bundle up with you in my heart
for since two-thousand-and-one I have not found a better way
Top
T o C
#2636
8JAN24
It is the eighth of January and I have not been to the studio yet
this television show in waiting has already turned into a three year deal
Hoping for a dry-eyed read of your poetry that my tears can never forget
and maybe once I see it on TV on my phone it will finally be real
Top
T o C
#2637
8JAN24 #2
I have the Black Rose cigar t-shirt on though I have not smoked in four years
part of me truly hopes I am not delaying a reunion with you
While surely the dreaded time has come when I can think of you without tears
which has me wondering if I just might step out of this shadow of blue
Top
T o C
#2638
9JAN24
The Cadillac just cost another five hundred and something to fix
it felt good to ride where once upon a time I sat beside my Queen
Time and New England weather will combine to take it out of the mix
just as surely as the clock will put an end to this morning routine
Top
T o C
#2639
10JAN24
The plan to not read your volume till twenty-five is not going to fly
and narrative may be necessary as it moves into twenty-five
Some think it might gain a bigger audience if when I read it I cry
while I just sit here hoping having a TV show makes me feel alive
Top
T o C
#2640
11JAN24
This was the winter for having the website rebuilt
Tuesday is studio time and the show will soon air
I am left shaking the machine trying not to tilt
wishing I could find direction in your empty chair
Top
T o C
#2641
11JAN24 #2
Some hands on time with the poetry may be doing a world of good
getting closer to the verse after decades' traverse is just what I need
Once again taking a different view so it can be understood
once again finding just how many times you were inspiration's seed
Top
T o C
#2642
12JAN24
Am starting to see more "twenty-three"s on my journal pages
oddly enough I did fairly good the first week of the year
I do hope the TV show helps carry grief through its stages
although I cannot tell how much grief there is remaining here
Top
T o C
#2643
13JAN24
Editing your volume before the start of the TV show
seeing the poems from the beginning as I enter new code
Building a website is just one of the things I do not know
as you are one of my companions who helped me down the road
Top
T o C
#2644
14JAN24
Got some firm avocados sitting in a brown paper bag
got a website that is not ready for this week's TV world
I guess for the over-dramatic I am left with the flag
as my own actions made the consequences that have unfurled
But it appears this one-sided banter will be given sight
that maybe the way I have grieved your loss in universal
That surrender was always the option for there was no fight
that there was nothing but perfection in your love's dispersal
Top
T o C
#2645
15JAN24
Put your money where your mouth is may not quite fit a free show
but tomorrow I take my best actor challenge and turn on the stage lights
I think I will be able to read your verse someday but I do not know
just hope that when that day comes some of my lines remind them of true love's heights
Top
T o C
#2646
16JAN24
Starting the car and shoveling the driveway to get to the studio
trying to come up with a last minute catch phrase or two that I can use
It is kind of what I always wanted but today I don't seem to know
although even four days from four years removed you are still my daily muse
Top
T o C
#2647
17JAN24
The first four episodes went off to be edited for going on air
once again I have lept only to look back and see what should be done
While going through Diary of a Poet will highlight times you were there
eventually I will have to read verses about losing the one
Top
T o C
#2648
18JAN24
Two days before the fourth worst anniversary and I am doing well
eight episodes of Poetry Palace TV are taped and I am lost
It left me so exhausted but lawyer Bob said he could not tell
and I will believe I can read you your poetry when that line is crossed
Top
T o C
#2649
19JAN24
Woke up in the night and your ring was gone but I found it quick
part way through the morning routine noticed it was gone again
Tore the bed apart I made and was feeling a little sick
asking if I have crossed that line I was so afraid of then
Top
T o C
#2650
20JAN24
Today four years ago was the worst day I have ever seen
of course this is all personal and COVID's first case was found
But that is a national statistic so far from my Queen
and the world kept turning and I was with the survivors bound
Top
T o C
#2651
21JAN24
Lawyer Bob put the first show on the air yesterday which was nice
so now the date will also be tarnished with something that is good
Did not get to see it yet but now I have broken the ice
so I will share our journey of love the way that I think I should
Top
T o C
#2652
22JAN24
Oh if I had practiced a couple of times it may have been better done
but I am not so sure it will matter at all a few months down the line
Practice makes perfect is the illusion I need in honoring the one
maybe reading your poems to my little world is what I do to be fine
Top
T o C
#2653
23JAN24
I can still freak out whenever things take me too far off guard
it's always a matter of life or death until it is solved
My own reactions are the only reason my heart is scarred
and I miss those days when a kiss from you and it was dissolved
Top
T o C
#2654
24JAN24
Twelve episodes into Poetry Palace TV and I feel unworthy at best
yet I am about to grab four dress shirts and the only jacket that still fits and go
Is this when the decision to chase after a dream is finally put to the test
is all of this horror that I have written down really something the world wants to know
Top
T o C
#2655
25JAN24
Not sure how I ever thought I could get a year of shows before you
but from here it looks like maybe thirty-five then you are on the air
I hope my delay in moving on does not hamper what you would do
and I hope my poems show the world how nice it was to be in your care
Top
T o C
#2656
26JAN24
Far too often on this way I have lost track of the joy you brought
there was a certain awe in each day that I spent lovingly with you
I was in no way a prisoner but so happy to be caught
and with every hug and kiss and touch of hand our love was new
Top
T o C
#2657
27JAN24
It is not as if you waved a wand and all my troubles disappeared
but you took my life into your care and there was nothing left to need
Oh problems still seemed to come and go but they no longer interfered
and every adventure brought us joy as if it was guaranteed
Top
T o C
#2658
28JAN24
During the "morning" routine now at seven o'clock at night
it was a late jump on the day but the reasoning was good
Trying to live my best life this fifth year of your out of sight
but I just really need to learn to keep house the way you would
Top
T o C
#2659
29JAN24
Slowly the idea of reading your book to the world awakes
yet reading it has not been attempted since last time I cried
So it comes down to stepping forward no matter what it takes
and believing though I cannot see that you are by my side
Top
T o C
#2660
30JAN24
Got more shirts at DXL you could probably use as tents
and a minute ago I wondered if this might be goodbye
I have been texting Tanya about how this all ferments
or what might be the best ways of finding help that we could try
Top
T o C
#2661
31JAN24
I do not know if I am falling apart or coming together
while reading volume four checking seventeen and thinking about yours
This last four years has been nothing less than a space walk with no tether
being lost at sea might be over but there are only foreign shores
Top
T o C
#2662
1FEB24
Suddenly I do not like two of the volumes that I wrote
two weeks away from reading your poems on the television
Sometimes this feels like it is waterworld and you were my boat
or that I am over the falls waiting for a collision
Top
T o C
#2663
1FEB24 #2
I copied your book from my site and it was over three thousand pages
each poem has a picture of you and then there are links and many spaces
Looked at each picture several times and I have not done that in ages
not sure if I am saying goodbye or if I am covering bases
Top
T o C
#2664
2FEB24
Today I am closer still to reading your poems for the show
do hope somehow it helps someone who is stumbling along
All in all your lack of presence has really helped me to grow
like once upon a time your love and example made me strong
Top
T o C
#2665
3FEB24
Another winter drags like NASCAR towards spring
only I am on TV getting ready to read your book
With your pictures and owls I wear this ring
sort of terrified that you might be gone the next time I look
Top
T o C
#2666
4FEB24
Updates and restarts and I hope the computer is better
today is more poems to your volume and reuse pictures there
I remember some Sundays as being a whole lot wetter
but in all of time there never was a Queen who was more fair
Top
T o C
#2667
5FEB24
More computer issues that scans and updates just do not fix
does that mean I wish to attack problems that I cannot solve
You always expected that I had an endless bag of tricks
now I miss that attitude as beyond you I must evolve
Top
T o C
#2668
5FEB24 #2
Just got into September of twenty editing for the TV show
and the volume eighteen file said it had not been recovered as of yet
I copied and saved it to another file is it fixed I do not know
it is odd that copying your volume turned into something I regret
Top
T o C
#2669
5FEB24 #3
Karaoke Monday just down the road singing at The Bar
the worst DJ Ever and his wife are a whole lot of fun
Trying to move past the memory of us but not too far
even though I sadly know that you are no longer the one
Top
T o C
#2670
6FEB24
It seems as if I often wonder just how you might react
then I wonder if your calm was refusal to break the peace
Surely I could use more lessons on the magic of your tact
before I am also at the point where time retracts its lease
Top
T o C
#2671
7FEB24
It has just become clear I may start your book on Valentine's
may take manipulation but I can hang cheer on that date
So has your last breath and cupid joined to put peace in my lines
or is my marionette now the arbiter of my fate
Top
T o C
#2672
8FEB24
So next week is Valentine's and I will start reading your book
did a mock Tuesday with volume XVII and it adds up
Wonder if better luck lies with listening rather than look
and if this turns out to be more than another bitter cup
Top
T o C
#2673
9FEB24
Got more to print for the accountant for doing my taxes
and got a doctor's appointment for only two weeks away
While you slip further from me as my heart relaxes
but you could go no further than when you stopped breathing that day
Top
T o C
#2674
10FEB24
Susanna Hoffs friended me and so I sent a YouTube link
hope she has the time to look at your poems at the very least
Maybe she could find a verse or two to save it all from sink
and maybe my eager to get your poems out again is fleeced
Top
T o C
#2675
11FEB24
Almost three months into a winter not digging down under
and I am thinking of writing a Valentine's not for you
Four years past when our fairy tale was quickly torn asunder
but there is still something inside that tells me we are not through
Top
T o C
#2676
12FEB24
Off to Mass for tax return options for working in multiple states
then karaoke later and get ready to put your poems on tape
I am still quite often haunted by my strong emotions' dire straits
but you taught me that the going through is better than any escape
Top
T o C
#2677
13FEB24
I am trying not to read too much into reading your poems for TV
but it is like a major step along this way it seems I would not choose
I don't know who will listen but I am giving it to the world for free
and if it is at all a part of our fairy tale I cannot lose
Top
T o C
#2678
14FEB24
It is Wednesday Valentine's and I just got done with signing up
and today is the day I begin reading your book of verse
Is this where I finally let go of that once bitter cup
or will reading them for TV show me a much newer worse
Top
T o C
#2679
15MAY24
A dry-eyed explanation and reading was more than I could have asked
the cruises and our anniversary were quickly passed in the show
I wonder if it is done or simply by time and circumstance masked
and I guess the glory of this life is that you never really know
Top
T o C
#2680
15FEB24 #2
Maybe it is good you did not live to see tom the "swiftie"
and maybe that is not as bad as some people make it sound
There is not as much time left as I thought so being thrifty
could be my best choice as now toward my latter days I am bound
Speed reading and exercise were the non-starters as they failed
while the TV show surprised me and a dozen other folk
So the winds of time and the tides of change in the end prevailed
picking up my past of pages plowing forward in my yoke
Where sometime in October when Thomas Wolfe rolls in his grave
as some TV viewers watch a young man's fall into beyond
Maybe I will be in a Mack spending time those verses save
remembering our glory days when loving each was our bond
Top
T o C
#2681
16FEB24
Does not feel like Friday when I have not worked in eighty days
while the TV show has turned into a tribute made for you
Just two more weeks until a year of shows is part of my maze
where gardening too early and a Mack truck will pull me through
Top
T o C
#2682
17FEB24
Two weeks of making shows with poems I wrote to you will end season one
hope it finds someone who needs a little moral support to survive
So long after our marriage has ended it seems our work is not done
isn't it ironic that knowing that makes me feel so much alive
Top
T o C
#2683
18FEB24
So I have not even practiced a Swift song for a few days
that in and of itself is not very big of a surprise
All of those thousands I spent for a set-up that hardly plays
with those promises of tomorrow that all turned into lies
Now spending my time trying not to wish on fantasies new
getting ready to put your TV show poems away for spring
Trying not to waste another year on future acts' pursue
finding a perspective on the past that lets me wear your ring
Top
T o C
#2684
18FEB24 #2
Getting ready to go to Lui Lui's without you on a date
but that being said I am pretty sure you will be in my heart
At least half of me thinks it might be too early the rest thinks too late
and it may not be the end of out world but it is at least a start
Top
T o C
#2685
19FEB24
Tanya is having a pretty rough time and I don't know what to say
obviously I got through it but it is not easy to explain
So I sent her a poem from this week's update I hope that is okay
the best that can come of this is that it helps to relieve someone's pain
Top
T o C
#2686
19FEB24 #2
Still practicing that Tayler Swift song like short bus music class
while Superbrain and meditation ferment within my mind
My learning skills are damaged copper while other things are brass
and the world turns much too fast while I again get left behind
Pictures do not cancel my lack of vizualization
and I do not think I can even smell your skin any more
Life has come together into dream actualization
foresight and hindsight may be acute but now I am not sure
Top
T o C
#2687
20FEB24
Forty-nine months later the twentieth is now mention the YouTube channel day
while Tuesdays and Wednesdays are read your poems for the world to hear in the studio
As it took this long for my heart to see how far in that second you slipped away
kind of wonder if maybe this is the way it was always intended to go
Top
T o C
#2688
21FEB24
Rumors are flying that say the season will start in a couple of weeks
eight episodes of your show and at least two doctors' appointments by then
It seems I have spent enough time down here in grief's valley looking for peaks
yet wherever I go it will be because your love is where I have been
Top
T o C
#2689
22FEB24
Tuesday just might be the last reading of your book until fall
and today I begin to edit the rest of that one copy for print
Hope the world does not tire of this echo of a man who had it all
who now tries to put into words at least a tribute that might show a hint
Top
T o C
#2690
23FEB24
I did not even buy flowers for our anniversary this year
although I have yet to grab the truck and go to the grocery store
Though somehow I have entered La La Land where I cannot find a tear
and woken to another world where just maybe there is something more
Top
T o C
#2691
24FEB24
Not a flower for our anniversary but I printed the poems for season two
the show premiered on January twentieth and your volume on Valentine's day
Oh it will not air until October so reading it was the best that I could do
so that four years into this hellish eternity I am finding another way
Top
T o C
#2692
25FEB24
Shared a TED talk I saw this morning that said we never move on
makes me feel less of a deviant writing daily to you still
There are so many blessings you brought to my life that are now gone
but there are echoes of your love in me that time will never kill
Top
T o C
#2693
26FEB24
Nora McInerny has a TED talkabout moving forward with and not moving on
yeah the same exact one I wrote about yesterday but it is different here and now
The me that was madly in love with you did not change much at all just because you are gone
though I cannot move on without leaving all you were behind I must move forward somehow
Top
T o C
#2694
27FEB24
Studio time has been canceled and it might just be a wrap
the flu found its way to Art and I do not want to get sick
I know that forcing things that were not meant to be is a trap
you spent years teaching me that que sera, sera is the trick
Top
T o C
#2695
28FEB24
The last time there was a leap year the whole world had gone insane
my baby Gyrl had stopped breathing and I was totally lost
The plague sealed this haunted house and I learned emotional pain
now staggering out in the world it is time to learn the cost
Top
T o C
#2696
29FEB24
Four years one month and nine days have somehow passed without you here
doing what needs to be done for another season in the Mack
Have gotten to the no more crying that once was my worst fear
and used to the outrageous fact that I cannot have you back
Top
T o C
#2697
1MAR24
Top round roast was Instant Pot-ted yesterday and needs to be bagged
pork shoulder and beef round tip are on the list for today
I almost hear you laughing at the carnivore diet snagged
and I so love looking at us in this new lighthearted way
Top
T o C
#2698
1MAR24 #2
I cannot find a Death Certificate for the Prudential stocks
guess I must have thought that we had crossed all of those lines long ago
Am cooking roasts for lunches when I should be out feeding your phlox
still not made a habit of even half of the things I should know
Top
T o C
#2699
2MAR24
Nineteen years of wonderful that I polluted here and there
so many days I remember being in your love and care
Honeymoon pictures on the wall of the good times we did share
some days still the best I can do is just sit right here and stare
Top
T o C
#2700
3MAR24
It is the last day before the start of a brand new season
only I swept and mopped and dusted yesterday for a date
Then I turned back into old tom for hardly any reason
and found that following your example cannot come too late
Top
T o C
#2701
3MAR24 #2
Have fourteen days of lunch cheeses that are wrapped and put away
fourteen days of bags lined up of pistachios and cashews
Got a new Hannaford's shopping bag cuz last year's was afray
still the fact that you are gone to my heart is shattering news
Top
T o C
#2702
3MAR24 #3
Had no salad all winter and wonder if that may not have been good
and how much of what your doctors told you did you really listen to
Started exercising again today I guess the way a human should
is the dietary rigid now just what I was supposed to do
Top
T o C
#2703
4MAR24
My lunch is packed a new bag filled and the Mack is calling
yes life kept moving when you stopped breathing but I missed the bus
Four years later with another old lady I am falling
though this time it is with me carrying the magic of us
Top
T o C
#2704
4MAR24 #2
Trying to get back to proper timing and I was hours early
so I read the day's news and was disgusted being human again
And how are we supposed to train these loving hearts to act all burly
was I just much too busy loving you to see all these horrors then
Top
T o C
#2705
5MAR24
Part of me is glad you did not see the new crazy the world brought
a whole lot of me is glad I needed you to handle my care
Now in our echo I wonder if I can still learn what you taught
seeing the wisdom in asking what you would do if you were there
Top
T o C
#2706
5MAR24 #2
Napping on the recliner has lost a little bit of its charm
but not with these owls that you left me to decorate the house
It does appear I am moving forward without memory harm
and nothing can dull the fact that you were such an amazing spouse
Top
T o C
#2707
5MAR24 #3
Seems to be a bunch of things wrong with the trucks to start the season
mine lost lights this morning and tire tread started separating
Can't say for sure but starting in early March could be the reason
at least this year there seems to be less grief it is agitating
Top
T o C
#2708
6MAR24
I never thought I might actually fall in love again
of course it is an older woman who is a lot like you
With the string of coincidences just like us way back then
guess love just cannot die but always strives for ever more true
Top
T o C
#2709
7MAR24
Three and a half months after you passed I was gifted a book
coming up on fifteen years for Bob in a Mack helped a lot
Another view of eternity was a much needed hook
yet it was but the beginning of questioning all man's thought
Coming up on four years later I can see it was the need
you were never much concerned about the studies I pursued
For life is ready to show us the cures whenever we bleed
but only if we are ready for It will never intrude
Top
T o C
#2710
8MAR24
Emphysema is the word of the CT scan yesterday
maybe I did not have the app last time so I did not see
Of course it just came at the end of an ordinary day
and after they ran me through the machine I was then set free
I cannot help but recall those horrible days in the past
although I am not winded the way that used to make you sit
But I suppose the possible outcomes are far more than vast
like you I will try to smile when it is time to take that hit
Top
T o C
#2711
9MAR24
It does seem like I should have received something from Prudential
but I remember that mail to you goes right into the bin
Guess messages from the past are not always existential
so diving into the recycle is where I will begin
Top
T o C
#2712
10MAR24
Why do my invasive bleeding hearts not spread and is that you
got two more coming to help Alexis fundraise for her school
Got Shamrocks, Gladiolus and three different lilies too
thinking that your gardens this year might look especially cool
Top
T o C
#2713
11MAR24
We have sprung ahead ten days before the start of spring
pages and pages of crimson tape to get your stocks
Now the owl Jeanine gave me is holding your ring
the hopes of our forever are but a bag of rocks
Top
T o C
#2714
12MAR24
Wandering into week two of March four years after the end
awakening feelings that have since then been so fast asleep
Has my heart learned to carry you and also that it can mend
it is obvious that it could use a season without weep
Top
T o C
#2715
13MAR24
Still using the heat but thinking about that thirty thousand BTU Frigidaire
sure would rather that you were the one picking out the handyman I need to hire
Twelve years later by God Dam having watched it turn into the world's most lonely affair
yet somehow with work and your gardens I have finally learned to dance on that wire
Top
T o C
#2716
14MAR24
How great is it that I can remember the wonder of you
how a coffee and a kiss turned into a beautiful dream
Now your echo puts music to everything that I do
while life shows me that it is not as sad as it once did seem
Top
T o C
#2717
14MAR24 #2
Can hardly wait to plant the dahlias and lilies and flowers Alexis is selling
of course the temperatures this March are making it seem so much sooner than it is
Who knew this habit you gave me of gardening would end up being so compelling
and although I have learned a thing or two I may never reach that contemplated whiz
Top
T o C
#2718
15MAR24
I took a day off when offered as if it was a cookie and I was a kid
and I put your ring on my finger while I wonder how Georgia might be doing
I am not sure if I should be put in a rubber room or I have blown my lid
maybe the poet in me has risen from grief's grave and now needs to be wooing
Top
T o C
#2719
15MAR24 #2
Well into an extra day off that I gladly took
dishes are done and all the laundry is on it's way
It is time to go shopping and I don't want to cook
like you I want to sit at the computer and play
Top
T o C
#2720
15MAR24 #3
Doing laundry with plans to fold and put away it has taken a while
have a little shredding to do then a scheduled rotisserie hunt
If only I could get to where I could do it like you wearing a smile
I may not get past grieving your loss but I think I have taken the brunt
Top
T o C
#2721
15MAR24 #4
Am going shopping with the "points" Visa I got in the mail
seeing if I can spend exactly one hundred on the dot
I am used to you being on the other side of the veil
but over here in the dream I am missing you quite a lot
Top
T o C
#2722
16MAR24
I wonder how you got so confident because I missed the first forty-five years
and you did not waste words so I am here almost exclusively having no clue
Only it is possible now that I can look back without the hindrance of tears
seeing more than the bleary-eyed lover of the beautiful woman that was you
Top
T o C
#2723
17MAR24
Saint Patrick's Day is on Sunday and I have a round of corned beef
I remember when we met how you were in the habit of ham
How we changed each other through the years and how it all turned to grief
yet here on the other side I am so grateful for who I am
Top
T o C
#2724
18MAR24
Guess I need to precook the turnip if I want the full meal
oh that Instant Pot is awesome but its magic has its bounds
You could serve me the same thing but it was a different deal
and I have learned to celebrate these less precious sights and sounds
Top
T o C
#2725
19MAR24
Tommy is still making pita deciding when and how to move
so Easter can be the new normal still with all items served
Georgia's daughter wants to meet and I hope that she does approve
maybe for a moment or two I should follow your reserved
Top
T o C
#2726
20MAR24
Posted the monthly reminder just in case someone did not notice the show
apparently is has fallen to ashes the fire that once burned within
Maybe the way it was meant to be yet my broken heart did not want to know
some Freudian slip Mother Nature had Id use as a disguise to begin
Top
T o C
#2727
21MAR24
Going to work waiting to be offered Friday off again
still looking at pictures of you and texting Georgia as well
Feels like I have let go of you about as much as I can
and yet both of us know that in the end only time can tell
Top
T o C
#2728
21MAR24 #2
Thinking of going to BJs to get a couple more roasts
home at twelve-thirty maybe because Bob always jumps the gun
Knowing the past of this place makes me wonder how many ghosts
but when I am looking for signs you know that you are the one
Top
T o C
#2729
22MAR24
This freezing cold is kind of like a normal New England spring
one small snow storm did not show a Tea Party winter at all
Hot and humid for the summer would be a northeastern thing
here by God Dam the dahlias and lilies signify the fall
Top
T o C
#2730
23MAR24
Forgot a car was beside me at work and drove right into it
guess I am letting too much get in the way of my here and now
No one tried to make me feel bad but I sure as hell feel like shit
another self-made obstacle that I must get over somehow
Moving forward with memories of you does seem like my best choice
although it seems like an alien landscape I try to assume
And I so miss the comfort that came with the soft sound of your voice
as a big part of me waits for a world that is dead to resume
Top
T o C
#2731
24MAR24
I have had a few communication problems that I tried to handle with care
and it makes me wonder who this man is who seems to be all grown up and mature
It has to be those years with you or all those years knowing that you were always there
now it seems that I have work to do to not feel guilty for outliving my cure
Top
T o C
#2732
24MAR24 #2
Getting ready for another week with chunks of cheese and bags of nuts
peel and slice the avocados and pull out a couple slabs of roast
Folding clothes to put away because it needs be no ands ifs or buts
I guess still hoping deep inside that someday I get to see your ghost
Top
T o C
#2733
25MAR24
Counting the days till Christmas seems like it might be wearing thin
yet I have already mentioned loving your rolling your eyes
I am trying to start a new chapter where do I begin
if it does not have echoes of you is it not made of lies
Top
T o C
#2734
26MAR24
Georgia On My Mind went quietly onto the site as volume twenty-two
she stopped on the way to karaoke I showed it to her and sang a song
She knows that I journal each morning and write and post my daily poems to you
possibly the reason it is okay is that she knows that you made me strong
Top
T o C
#2735
27MAR24
Somehow Easter has snuck up on me when Christmas was yesterday
want to order some legs of lamb that I do not know how to cook
Grabbing the phone and asking Google seems to be a better way
especially because your chair is empty whenever I look
Top
T o C
#2736
28MAR24
The rain is dripping on the air conditioner but there is work nonetheless
same work that saved me in the year of the plague when you decided not to breathe
Sort of like the anchor that holds me true when all else has changed but my address
though here I sit with a million little memories that 'round my head do wreathe
Top
T o C
#2737
28MAR24 #2
Got a rain day and they called before I even went out of the door
so I can go fresh herb shopping and just maybe get those stocks traded
My heart is no longer shattered I guess now it is but a bit sore
the sorrow did not go away although it is a little faded
Top
T o C
#2738
28MAR24 #3
So I mailed off the forms to Prudential to transfer your stocks to me
that may be the last reason your estate needs an account at the bank
I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to set you free
might have had to spill it all over while there was too much in the tank
Top
T o C
#2739
29MAR24
Thought I was going to finish this journal but I stopped at three
with nine more pages and your birthday will be well into the next
The care that you took in caring for me is helping me to see
that care and self-care are simoply parts of the way that love is flexed
Top
T o C
#2740
30MAR24
The journal split down the middle but in ten days it is done
the butcher the bank and remote parking just to start the day
Then the Instant Pot the oven and the steamer just for fun
kind of funny how much I am like you when it comes to play
Top
T o C
#2741
31MAR24
How can this be Easter number five at Derek and Jeanine's
the first one was so much sweeter than any of us could know
Now most of your grandchildren are in their twenties or their teens
I hope occasionally you can visit and see them grow
Top
T o C
#2742
1APR24
What a great Easter with Derek and Jeanine and many more
Dalton is starting at Liberty with Derek as his boss
This time I was able to see all the love there from before
see much more the gifts you are still giving not so much the loss
Top
T o C
#2743
2APR24
Hindsight has shown me in often times the error of my ways
yet with you love showed me beyond doubt just how great life could be
The echo of us has been quite the guide in this living maze
it's crazy how the memory of you can now help me see
Top
T o C
#2744
3APR24
It is the Linda Beal birthday month and Dillan is turning fifteen
not sure why I am not throwing a big seventy-fifth birthday bash
My mind has thoughts my heart has feelings and I am confused in between
and part of me likes the quiet comfort of you in gardens as ash
Top
T o C
#2745
4APR24
Writing a poem to you posting another then working on Georgia's volume
not sure how it ever came to this but she knows exactly how much you meant
We sort of helped each other work our way out of the loneliness and its gloom
so I have no choice as with you but to assume that she too was heaven sent
Top
T o C
#2746
5APR24
It is a twenty-five hour week with a four day weekend
but of course I did not know for sure until one day was gone
Once again I am feeling the pains of being so soft-skinned
appartently two of my choices are neither brains nor brawn
Top
T o C
#2747
6APR24
My third day off this week with still another one yet to come
some snow in April like we used to get in the good ole days
Am not sure what dreams I want but I am glad you gave me some
and that with all your love you prepared me for this heartache's maze
Top
T o C
#2748
6APR24 #2
There are so many ways that you helped me to grow
probably more than half I found when you were gone
And there may be cures of love that one cannot know
so many ways why I think of you as my swan
Top
T o C
#2749
7APR24
Another eclipse and I thought there was one in four hundred years
a young man half listening to what adults were talking about
Apparently half of my "knowledge" was gathered in such like spheres
fortunately when it came to your love your actions left no doubt
Top
T o C
#2750
8APR24
Yours is no longer the first poem of the day
it was not even a major change at all
After The M Word with a little phone play
not as if there was writing upon the wall
This is not the first time my heart has betrayed me
the day you left it threw my beliefs away
All of that sorrow just could not dissuade me
as love like the Phoenix flew up from the fray
Top
T o C
#2751
9APR24
There was a craze to see the dark side of the moon
the simple splendor of a moment had such charm
Of course as all that happens here it went too soon
like us walking down that grand staircase arm in arm
Top
T o C
#2752
10APR24
Thoughts of your birthday echo inside as I plan to mail Dillan's card
seeing everyone happy at Derek's Easter was needed here
I am moving "forward with" as her TED talk said but it is still hard
like Nora says we can all imagine and it may just conquer fear
Top
T o C
#2753
11APR24
They say rain is coming in heavy and a day off may be seen
have not even restocked the compost for perennials and phlox
Trying to see if Ashley wants to help plant gardens for my Queen
to have Rudy's daughter helping me as the clock ticks and tocks
Top
T o C
#2754
12APR24
Sitting here with your unlit crystal and its owl holding your ring
just wrote in your goldleafed purple journal of your echo that I hear
There is a chamber in my heart where memories of us always sing
so that moving forward the love that you showed makes all new things quite dear
Top
T o C
#2755
13APR24
Another long weekend but this time without that black 'Wing and a new red one
your crystal is now the centerpiece with the ring owl and those angel coins
Had a Zoom meeting while I ate a generous slice of top round just for fun
still asking people to help me with my spiritual journey but nobody joins
Top
T o C
#2756
14APR24
I write in the journal I miss you I Love You or thank you
but is it really true or do I miss the me that you made
There are days that I could wish I did half of what you would do
and I am so grateful for the almost nineteen years we played
Top
T o C
#2757
14APR24 #2
I went to see Zaher well so I could get some curb for God Dam
then the farm in Carlisle for a few hundred pounds of compost
So slow on the garden start this year but you know how I am
and it is time for a half dozen eggs and a piece of roast
The clamatis is going so crazy I want to get more
hostas and columbines and baby's breath (?) all seem to be well
The peonies are coming in thicker than ever before
and your daffodils no longer flower the rose is hard to tell
Still back here in never never land getting closer to plant
pretending the flowers are all for you but grasping the rush
Seeing that the latter years fast wondering what they grant
so grateful my garden of memories of your love is plush
Top
T o C
#2758
15APR24
We mail the checks now and I am getting better at remembering
kind of got daily dishes down and cooking roasts in that Instant Pot
Now sort of falling back into witnessing what life is rendering
and it may not be as emotional but I miss you quite a lot
Top
T o C
#2759
15APR24 #2
Had one journal yesterday that I marked December
it is a very long weekend and you are still gone
Is that now part of why I struggle with remember
to our moments of past am continuously drawn
Top
T o C
#2760
16APR24
Got the new curb all set up along the remote garden's edge
and new soil and mulch at the base of the raspberry bushes
Had planned just to place them there but grabbed a shovel bar and sledge
it seems that the memory of your inspiration pushes
Top
T o C
#2761
16APR24 #2
Texting Tanya every day somehow seems to bring you closer
yet I know inside you are always here and so far away
But ever since you left I feel as if I am a doser
never once did I think a longer life would be my pay
Top
T o C
#2762
17APR24
Just wrote about mailing you a card in the purple journal from Jenn
so I am still crazy about you even after all of these years
I was an explosion out of control up until you were my zen
though part of me is waiting in that horrid cloud of gloom as it clears
Top
T o C
#2763
18APR24
Is it possible you were an angel sent to save myself from me
in the other journal I wrote that the miracles were obvious here
Did you only stay until your job was finished and then set yourself free
either nor you have left your echoes of love that all of us hold quite dear
Top
T o C
#2764
19APR24
I sent the house insurance check with six days before its due
maybe that should be like the rent check with two weeks and a day
I guess I never realized how much was left up to you
or considered how hard you worked so on weekends we could play
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T o C
#2765
19APR24 #2
You made the little things so worthy then a wave a brush a kiss
mowing the lawn while you knealt on your mat by the gardens to weed
It may just be those moments mundane that my heart really does miss
and maybe it is those mundane tasks that really help me proceed
Top
T o C
#2766
20APR24
The anniversary of the start of the show does not ease the strain
being surrounded by people who care makes me feel doubly blessed
Is it time or effort that has made me free of the tears and pain
it may be that coming to terms with your loss is my greatest quest
Top
T o C
#2767
20APR24 #2
Last weekend was buying and registering the "new" Goldwing
plus running for curb and compost and trying to fix the dam
I guess trying to do too much is your pull of my heartstring
and I sure do miss riding around with you in that old Ram
Top
T o C
#2768
21APR24
Finally almost at your birthday I am cleaning gardens and making soil
so I say and I need to trade the Caddy for work and maybe ride the bike
Again I am playing those full out heart games without the beware of recoil
with no "u" in my morning nor that waiting for the witching hour to strike
Top
T o C
#2769
22APR24
Your birthday approaches and still I do not know how to act
honoring you as I evolve is a confusing display
My grateful for all that you did is basically just a fact
so I try to remember your smiles turning it all to play
Top
T o C
#2770
22APR24 #2
This morning's post was about episode one playing on T. V.
it seems like another world just like the day that you went away
Here at the end of April there is none of your volume to see
I am making it longer but that is the poet's price to pay
Top
T o C
#2771
23APR24
Thank you for pulling me out of the mire I had made of things
and thank you for showing me that love could be so inspiring
Now each time I think of you I hear my gratitude as it rings
and remember how you cared for me without ever tiring
Top
T o C
#2772
23APR24 #2
I'm trying to get ready to leave the house by four A. M.
next week looks like I might get to ride your brother-in-law's bike
While I pretend that the crown jewels are not missing a gem
and that there are not moments of grief ever ready to strike
Top
T o C
#2773
23APR24 #3
I probably started with Alfred Hitchcock and that silhouette
then some man’s plan to escape premature burial that fails
Would like to remember the name or a star but I forget
though compared to this horror I've lived not a movie but pales
Top
T o C
#2774
24APR24
Work is getting crazy and we have yet to move into May
not so sure how I am going to get the gardening done
Maybe having too much on my plate is how I try to play
but in the fall when I bring dahlias in it all seems like fun
I still do not know what your magic was that made it all shine
nor have I experienced the confidence that you displayed
Though there were almost two decades when I was glad you were mine
even today when I remember your care I am dismayed
Top
T o C
#2775
24APR24 #2
So I hope that days do not matter as a once special one nears
while everything is turning green without the joy you would show
It is not as if your loss within my heart eternally sears
I am moving forward with what is left of you but it is slow
Top
T o C
#2776
25APR24
I want to celebrate your birthday but I do not know how
your last one is only a shadow in a beautiful dream
Crystal views and owls and pictures are all that I have now
and all the Queen's gardens to plant here by God Dam and the stream
Top
T o C
#2777
25APR24 #2
I am working out again but not like the rack and you across my shoulders
although I miss those days it is not as if I could I really would return
The pebbles life's tares spit up are now nothing compared to such grief's boulders
and maybe just maybe I am coming to the end of my worst crash and burn
Top
T o C
#2778
26APR24
Just another Friday after the dream got shattered and I staggered on
work is insanely busy which has carried me through the worst of the pain
It was a relief to realize I move forward with though you were gone
and I am not so sure in this crazy world that I can ever be sane
Top
T o C
#2779
26APR24 #2
Of course I am down to the wire for getting the gardens ready
and the bulbs and plants from Alexis's fundraiser should soon be in
Annuals will dwindle again as I move with my slow but steady
while I hope that this autumn will burst with dahlias again for the win
Top
T o C
#2780
27APR24
Another Saturday morning alone with your crystal before going to the Mack
it's pave a block of road in Boston and then over to Cambridge after the mill
Here stumbling around with no one to tell me it is time to pick up the slack
falling deeper into Georgia and she is well aware I am missing you still
Top
T o C
#2781
28APR24
Last weeks meager beginnings at least got the gardens started
eighty percent annuals dropped to twenty percent of less
I do believe that you tried to help with my broken hearted
although I do not believe you expected quite this success
Top
T o C
#2782
28APR24 #2
Yesterday I drove the Subaru to work and the Caddy out to dinner
today I exchanged the Caddy for the Tundra and rode the "new" 'Wing a bit
As I try to convince myself I can see Georgia and not be a sinner
now I just got in from riding Marcel's old bike to make the fleet use legit
Top
T o C
#2783
29APR24
Got a resend of a December 2020 dividend check in the mail
your Prudential stocks have been transfered to my name and the estate may now be closed
Four years three months and nine days later seems as if it is not long enough a tale
although I am fairly sure each grueling detail in your volume has been exposed
Top
T o C
#2784
30APR24
Robert has a great idea about tiny films and poetry for those who grieve
here I am in my latter years but spending lifetimes driving around in the Mack
Wouldn't it be hilarious if poems for the dead were the map to my relieve
if my story's end was TV shows to you and the dream of the poet come back
Top
T o C
#2785
1MAY24
It would be nice to hang flowers on your door and ring your bell
as it would be great to see you by a garden in the yard
I would no longer say that without you is a living hell
though possibly this missing you will forever be quite hard
Top
T o C
#2786
2MAY24
Getting up just past midnight so I can leave at four o'clock
still feels so much less than valiant the way our fairy tale went
I know it is gone but I am just seeing you were my rock
so it is time to live unwhole rather than eternal lent
Top
T o C
#2787
2MAY24 #2
Some how I rushed through the routine with just a moment to spare
now Georgia gets my first poem of the day but you can wait right
There appears to be no possibility of you not there
way down deep in my heart where there is nothing but heaven's light
Top
T o C
#2788
3MAY24
Georgia has a flu and I am over forty-seven hours into the week
all of the gardens are barely started but that can change if I work in the rain
There is a pile of dirt that is getting old on the lawn that must traverse the creek
and I am working out with the hopes of getting this all done without too much pain
Your crystal unlit glares at my insolence as I move past the times I would cry
while Jeanine's owl holds your ring and sits with the cigar tie clip Andy bought me
And I act as if there is not enough hurt in my heart to just curl up and die
but if you could look upon this dream world that is not what I would want you to see
Top
T o C
#2789
4MAY24
Not sure if routine adds to or ruins the possibility of living
although I suppose that our annual cruises could be thrown into that lot
When I look back on what we had I see a combination of our giving
and the whole of the fairy tale was quite simply of the things that that bought
Top
T o C
#2790
5MAY24
Have these grandiose plans to write many poems each day
then there is work and computer and time for my sleep
Is it that life is just supposed to get in the way
so that the horrors of grief are not something to keep
Top
T o C
#2791
5MAY24 #2
Sunday afternoon doing dishes prepping lunches and folding clothes
I updated your volume and her volume and dug more garden holes
Somehow living here alone with your memories is the life I chose
gardening and getting through another year at work are now my goals
Top
T o C
#2792
6MAY24
I love getting out the pad and kneeling to dig in your dirt
it was always yours but the ashes kind of made that more real
It could be grounding or tactile love but it relieves the hurt
and I am sure the beautiful blossoms have helped me to heal
Top
T o C
#2793
7MAY24
My birthday feels so much less special than when you were here
there is no card on the table and no small piece of cake
The fact that ours were the glory years could not be more clear
only hope that my give was always larger than my take
Top
T o C
#2794
8MAY24
Got a birthday text from Alexis and a confirmation of flowers on the way
it was Sarah out of the hole in the morning who started the wishes and well
Today will probably be the belated when it is only another day
eventually celebrations with Jenn Josh Andy and Bonnie my heart will swell
Top
T o C
#2795
8MAY24 #2
Got half of a family chicken because I wanted one that was hot
got half of a rain day but didn't get out until one
Got a cruise wall of pictures but that is almost all of you I have got
so glad when it was going that I never thought of done
Top
T o C
#2796
9MAY24
The check came in from Prudential and the estate is a wrap
they even sent a check for December of twenty-twenty
I am no longer in tears from the red tape of legal crap
maybe because in the invisible you left me plenty
Top
T o C
#2797
10MAY24
I paid for shocks on a barely used Tundra to avoid the dealership
I'm not sure you would have let me be quite as ridiculous as that
It is kind of funny how much I am willing to do for hassle to skip
and how obnoxious it is to notice your absence each time I am at bat
Top
T o C
#2798
10MAY24 #2
All the four wheelers are inspected now just the two bikes to go
registration is another story that's why I drive a Mack
If I could just find cheaper parking I'm sure the collection would grow
just playing with toys because my life is totally out of whack
Top
T o C
#2799
10MAY24 #3
Late at night on a Friday cuz ten-thirty is uber late for me
the second load of laundry is in the wash and cars are inspected
The garden scramble is for tomorrow and then it's Gorgia to see
those years I thought love was over slid right into being infected
Top
T o C
#2800
11MAY24
On the fourth load of laundry this weekend and there is much more
dress shirts and tee shirts that I let pile behind the recliner
It seems that there is no time because I am a money whore
and that there is no future for what could ever be finer
Top
T o C
#2801
12MAY24
Planting bleeding hearts from Georgia's house across the dam on Mother's Day
then off to see Jenn and Josh and to play a little bit of CATAN
Still sort of stumbling through the motions caught up in this old dismay
dreaming of walking hand in hand on the hilly streets of Old San Juan
Top
T o C
#2802
13MAY24
The concrete is poured and the curb should support ramp activities
and the toughest holes for planting are dug with too many to go
I suppose the hope for ease next year is held by proclivities
still seeking your approval as if you would really even know
Top
T o C
#2803
14MAY24
I cannot get enough sleep to keep up with the season's pace
or get all the work done so that your gardens honor you best
Again I am left to my feeble efforts and begging grace
wondering if one of your many blessings may have been zest
Top
T o C
#2804
15MAY24
The rent is due the registrations must be mailed and I am tired
work days keep getting longer and sleep gets less with much more I must do
How you managed to do all that you did was something I admired
still what I miss most was to end the day with a kiss I got from you
Top
T o C
#2805
16MAY24
Trying to live my life without you IS the hardest thing I will ever do
maybe this winter I can get back to declutter and then learn how to clean
The long hours at work make it seem like it is something just to get through
there are signs of lack of care but it is not the worst that I have ever seen
Top
T o C
#2806
17MAY24
Tanya and Ashley may be coming to help plant all of your flowers
that should help a long day of toil turn into a memory sweet
Up into the eighties next week as the cool of spring slowly sours
seems so appropriate that Rudy's wife and child make that day complete
Top
T o C
#2807
18MAY24
I have the replacement check from the dividend from December of twenty-twenty
and it may very well be the last deposit into your estate banking account
It's merely another "last time" on this posthumous road because there have been plenty
but this morning it is another heart wrenching task placed upon my way to surmount
Top
T o C
#2808
18MAY24 #2
The work bike needs a rear tire and the new 'Wing was scrapped due to rain
but more than I thought would be done before the weekend up on the lake
Georgia and I may have first bonded because of our grief and our pain
but we agree that it is you and Dan behind this chance that we take
Top
T o C
#2809
19MAY24
At Bush Hill motorcycle shop they almost inspected my bike with belts showing
a one-sided view was superceded just by looking at tire options
I hope backlash from stepping away from us is not something that is growing
wondering still if the hole can be filled with adaptations or adoptions
Top
T o C
#2810
20MAY24
It is the big week before the big weekend and the AC goes on
now it is back to the Mack Monday and go to Somerville to pave
It is dark outside as I sit with you some hours before the dawn
still wanting to write that poem of all poems but it's not nearly as grave
Top
T o C
#2811
21MAY24
I am rolling through the last week without a planted garden
wondering where I will put all the bulbs Alexis sold me
Making a mess of caring for Tom and I beg your pardon
trapped in a world that just does not seem to be as it should be
Top
T o C
#2812
22MAY24
I was going to write again last night but I just went to bed
as you know work is crazy and the gardens are screaming for seed
I guess Georgia shares my heart now with your echo and in my head
yet though the sorrow may always surround me I no longer bleed
Top
T o C
#2813
22MAY24
Thirteen minutes to leave this place on a Wednesday with no overtime
echoes of you are all I can hear as I review my neglect
It is as if we were designed to be together in our prime
as if we got lucky Babe being of the few of the select
Top
T o C
#2814
23MAY24
Not sure but my fridge may be starting to not work any more
the fridge that we used together where all your magnets were stored
They are all still there as if it could be as it was before
maybe another shrine to the places in love we explored
Top
T o C
#2815
23MAY24 #2
Called in "sick" so I can go look for a fridge I do not want
should have left already but the whole idea is just too much
Do I just pull off all the magnets and make a box of haunt
or have the things we used together simply become a crutch
Top
T o C
#2816
23MAY24 #3
Only could find a tiny fridge to replace the one that died
hoping your stove and washer and drier last until the end
Putting the chest freezer by the road is something I just tried
if i had given it away there would be more now to spend
Top
T o C
#2817
24MAY24
I skipped my workout so I could relish my anxiety at our desk
and I found a dead mouse and a "scare crow" under the fridge with the bunnies
Guess it was fitting as I continue this constant of grieving burlesque
but maybe some day I will wake up to find that we are in the funnies
Top
T o C
#2818
24MAY24 #2
Putting in a load of laundry before I do dishes and cook another roast
had to finish folding a load from Monday so I could use the basket again
I guess when I am trying too hard to hurry is when I make mistakes the most
had hoped I might have it all together by now but from here I cannot see when
I am learning how much work it is to take care of a man and thank you for that
oh it all looked so much easier way back then when it got magically done
Now with all the cooking and the chores I am at least thirty pounds away from fat
but I am just getting further away from when I was holding hands with the one
Top
T o C
#2819
25MAY24
After another evening of tomfoolery was I simply jinxed by name
but it's right back on track for the big trip to Maine to see Sonja and Mom
Was there joy in knowing there were no more or is it not quite the same
I am still here in this world but certainly following a different drum
Top
T o C
#2820
26MAY24
It was pouring at five-thirty and I think I was totally ready to quit
I failed to find help at two hundred a day so once again I am all alone
That sorry shadow that lurks within wants to tell me that it has all turned to shit
but I think maybe I have found your magic touch and at last my blackbird has flown
Top
T o C
#2821
27MAY24
The country remembers service members who gave up their life
this is landscaping and cookouts and parties up at the lake
While I choose again to write another poem to my late wife
not because I fall behind but all of what she let me take
Top
T o C
#2822
27MAY24 #2
Still have to put the sticker on the plate of Marcel's old bike
and I have not done a Sunday ride in weeks on the new 'Wing
Hope the new flowers I got from Alexis are ones you like
please let me know you are okay by hearing the angels sing
Top
T o C
#2823
27MAY24 #3
I was told Tom Brady has avocados blueberries and walnuts for breakfast too
I am so glad that you stayed until the end topping the run that he had with Gisele
And who would have wanted a Super Bowl ring if they had the chance of living with you
the love that you showed me while you were here seems to have turned into an eternal well
Top
T o C
#2824
28MAY24
Had a fun visit with Tanya yesterday when I was switching out cars
although when Georgia came to visit I thought that the gardens were lacking
Not sure why I am so focused on our kingdom when I could shoot for stars
but I do keep trying to push a bit more when I see I am slacking
Top
T o C
#2825
29MAY24
Gotta shoot a text off to Maine as Sonja turns sixty today
take the Mack to Boston without the anxious of days gone by
Living this life without you and a heart that continues to pay
so busy at planting season that I do not have time to cry
Top
T o C
#2826
30MAY24
I text with "Rudy" and Sarah and Kendall and Georgia et al
during a lazy rain day that follows Boston's nineteen hours
Life dances before me in technicolor and I hear its call
even though I know it means the fairy tale I once had sours
Top
T o C
#2827
30MAY24 #2
Tomorrow is the last day of May so the flannels and quilts had to go
the Sunday weather looks fine so I can dry them on the line as I plant
Moving forward with traditions you left behind and memories in stow
finding joy in the tedious though the possibilities once seemed scant
Top
T o C
#2828
31MAY24
In a rush because I waste my time so freely
another Friday when money comes and bills go
I hunker down against my thoughts feigning steely
and remember a beautiful love I did know
Top
T o C
#2829
1JUN24
Work today and garden tomorrow and hope that there is an end
all these crazy plans that overwhelm are certainly right on queue
As long as all the new "rules" have clauses that allow them to bend
and my heart is sighted on delivering my honor to you
Top
T o C
#2830
1JUN24 #2
Was visiting Tanya when Daniel and his girl and her grandson came in
we were on the porch and they just passed us by so I simply bid farewell
In the morning after the routine the gardening can again begin
peonies are popping and lillies broke ground and too many more to tell
Don't know why you thought I should grow flowers but it seems to have worked out good
something to do instead of killing my time and in the fall they bloom
Of course I am talking of raising dahlias like a good gardener should
then in the cold dark winter when I am missing you I wait to resume
Top
T o C
#2831
1JUN24 #3
Feels so right to have your ring on my finger
just like Saturday evenings two loads of clothes
Oh should you come in a bad dream and linger
I'd have the magic of that touch heaven knows
Top
T o C
#2832
2JUN24
Ready to get more flowers in the ground
some dahlias and Alexis's plants and more
While I am here missing you without sound
wondering what this life might have in store
Top
T o C
#2833
2JUN24 #2
Used your trimmer out in the yard today
planted the salsa garden Dalton gift
Tried to hire a crew it did not pay
so I head into summer in a drift
Top
T o C
#2834
2JUN24 #3
I cannot sleep tonight is it because I hung flannels on the line
saw the comparison between bare ground and green with you hanging clothes
It was just a moment from some other lifetime when you were once mine
when we were quiet lovers sharing the things that no one ever knows
Top
T o C
#2835
3JUN24
Too much to do in too little time and the workout died in May
work is full out without a moment to breathe just as it should
I try to remember whatever went on you found time to play
and that one little tool could be the entire reason for free
Top
T o C
#2836
4JUN24
Keeping the "fire burning" is not quite as simple as it sounds
when all of the fuel and the air were suddenly taken away
It is so hard to feel I am in the game standing out of bounds
trying all at once to remember all of the things you would say
Top
T o C
#2837
5JUN24
Could be a three day week with all of the rain coming in
and I could use a vacation as this season gets too deep
If I wanted another career just how would I begin?
by waiting like I did with you to find a place with no weep?
Top
T o C
#2838
6JUN24
One more day and off to camp maybe in the rain
can I once remember all of the things I need
Not so sure that without you I am more insane
but I'll miss that wave goodbye and silently bleed
Top
T o C
#2839
7JUN24
The habit of ritual has dampened the horrors of heart
and I have lept into a position of possible loss
I do not know of plan or fate I simply accept my part
no longer praying for salvation from carrying this cross
Top
T o C
#2840
8JUN24
Another year up on the lake away from the kingdom we made
and I am four and a half hours into my morning routine
Grateful for each memory that our fairy tale played
for the dirty of my life that loving you made clean
Top
T o C
#2841
9JUN24
It is the "late" update the site day of the year
not nearly as emotionally charged today
While inexplicably you suddenly feel near
and I will just accept that as I go my way
Top
T o C
#2842
9JUN24 #2
Back at the kingdom and not many dahlias have broken ground
a calla lily and a couple of Gladiolus too
I am not so sure when the time for more planting will be found
but these gardens are not nearly enough for honoring you
Top
T o C
#2843
10JUN24
Back to the "real" world where the love of my life is gone
and I buy black refills for my fav'rite purple pen
I have a new lover whom I can lay my heart on
and that is only because of where my heart has been
Top
T o C
#2844
11JUN24
You made a man of the troubled boy that you found
I live with your echo trying not to break rules
Sometimes as I listen I can hear your sweet sound
I see how your acts of love were your loving tools
Top
T o C
#2845
12JUN24
Have yet to water your gardens and nothing is coming up
but it rained hard on Sunday and it has not been very hot
Might go buy more dalhias just to have more flowers in my cup
and focus more on what is growing not the ones that did not
Top
T o C
#2846
13JUN24
Thought those purple bell flowers were gone but yesterday they came back
though it does not cut nearly as deep now when one of your plants dies
Learning to take the invasives across the dam for its lack
to garden as best i can and find delight in each surprise
Top
T o C
#2847
14JUN24
Announced Georgia and I on Facebook yesterday
the "world" knows that I have opened my heart again
So today I move forward with the come what may
some day we may be done but I do not know when
Top
T o C
#2848
15JUN24
Think I forgot to write a poem to you I do not know how
as days bleed into the next and the season moves slowly on
I can only get back to my program in the here and now
know the clock is ticking as some day soon I will be gone
Top
T o C
#2849
15JUN24 #2
Time to send the rent to Concord once again
time to plant you flowers as best that I can
I want to move forward but do not know when
wondering if I will be a complete man
Top
T o C
#2850
16JUN24
It's Father's Day and Jenn and Josh are bringing some pizza here
and thank you for the picnic table you left for me to use
The gardens are almost planted and the heat is gonna sear
and this crazy life I am living is because you were my muse
Top
T o C
#2851
16JUN24 #2
Trying again to get all your gardens planted
like I even have time to water them this year
When so many mercies have so far been granted
I aim steadfast at my goals and refuse to veer
Top
T o C
#2852
17JUN24
Going crazy in the gardens may not be how I honor you
but I built these gardens one by one because of love I had
Sometimes now it just becomes the too much that I have to do
then the dahlias begin to bloom and once again I am glad
Top
T o C
#2853
18JUN24
Another hot day carrying pails of water dreaming of a working well
am not so sure that dragging a hose around the kingdom would be easier
Although it is looking like I have made a life that I would not trade or sell
and with Minnie Mouse and a big white rabbit your gardens could not be cheesier
Top
T o C
#2854
19JUN24
"Thank you for wonderful!" was the journal sign off for today
while "I miss you" and "Thank you" ring true this one sure tells it all
And just like billions of other men along this rugged way
I really did not know what I had until after the fall
Top
T o C
#2855
19JUN24 #2
The tattered dish cloth on the tub that is in the empty sink
probably carries no mjore DNA but was what you used
Holds a spot within my heart no matter what my brain may think
I could work on letting it go but I so far have refused
Top
T o C
#2856
19JUN24 #3
The days just keep pounding up on my door as all time flies by
watering gardens in scorching heat wondering if you care
Guessing I got too busy or cold on life to even cry
damn is it saddening to wake each day and not find you there
Top
T o C
#2857
20JUN24
Day three of hot and humid watering of gardens has passed
the annuals seem to like it and the dahlias are popping
The overwhelming days of planting are but my love amassed
it no longer matters why I started there is no stopping
Top
T o C
#2858
21JUN24
The thunder storms watered your gardens or was that thunder you
and sending Lucky Shamrock pictures to Alexis was fun
Not sure how you still have a part in everything I do
it makes sense because being loved by you made me feel I won
Top
T o C
#2859
22JUN24
There is a tattered dish cloth on the divider between the sinks
almost makes me feel like I am living in the Great Depression
It is not as if I think throwing it away might be a jinx
but somehow it gives the echo of grief in my heart expression
Top
T o C
#2860
22JUN24 #2
Got your ring on my finger and all your gardens on my mind
cleared the crazy wild growth that grows along the edge of the pond
Here I am without a ouija board pretty much in the blind
sending texts to Georgia and love poems into the great beyond
Top
T o C
#2861
22JUN24 #3
Stopped in to see Tanya and her sons are going to live together
she still hasn't tried to sell Rudy's bike and it's the right time of year
Then after Daniel moves out it is only the little one Heather
what she is going to do when they all grow up is not very clear
Though today is date night with Georgia and we are trying something new
it is Smokey Bones down in Tyngsboro then one more 100 or two
However it seems that no matter what it is that I choose to do
there is this gift of our decades of memories that I love of you
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#2862
22JUN24 #4
Put a coffee in the microwave and remember the Caddy needs scrubbing
then check the weather to see how long it is actually supposed to rain
Out there with the coat you gave me and the hood on just a rub-a-dub dubbing
trying to pretend that living alone is not causing me to go insane
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#2863
23JUN24
Coming to the end of June with bulbs in a box in the shed
which is the reason I tried to hire a crew to help plant
so many possibilities that die unless they are fed
most of which fall into naught before the Queen's garden's supplant
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#2864
23JUN24 #2
Ramps for the dam and flowers from Georgia and bulbs to bury
dirt to move columbines to relocate and some mowing too
There is so much on this platter that it is getting scary
but there is also so much more that I would like to do
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#2865
23JUN24 #3
Lowes did not have the right ramps in stock so I ordered online
more bleeding hearts may be overkill cuz they are invasive
Gotta get the last of the dirt over God Dam for your shrine
although the heat and humidity are fairly dissuasive
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#2866
23JUN24 #4
Got the lawn mowed while I was dripping sweat
three more bleeding hearts went across the dam
Still have not got all of the bulbs in yet
either next Sunday or the Fourth grandslam
I am trying to make you proud somehow
only I don't know if you really care
I can feel the pride you had in me now
as if your echo was lingering there
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#2867
24JUN24
I want to get all the bulbs in the ground but the rabbits eat them all
the new boots Jenn got me are so rugged and they keep my feet so dry
I am on a tightrope juggling these chores and trying not to fall
trying to move along with my life but refusing to say goodbye
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#2868
24JUN24 #2
After a twelve hour day in the Mack I ride a 'Wing home
it has not felt the same since you've been gone but I really try
Saw the gift bag from Georgia and thought of unwrapping a gnome
but I just eat salad and skyr and 'kraut and watch time go by
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#2869
25JUN24
I was writing "your gardens" in the journal and it seemed like fairy tale
four years five months and four days later what else could it actually be
I HAVE to pick you up for you are my anchor and I need to set sail
written for someone else but fitting "prison cell I don't want to be free"
* Veracious Verse Excerpts #817
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#2870
26JUN24
Five months until karaoke and Poetry Palace TV are most of what I do
but today it is run too late for a workout and help Pogo Paul with a tennis court
So Nights In White Satin is banging in my head while my heat beats fast remembering you
and I have come to fully realize that almost nineteen years can be so very short
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#2871
26JUN24 #2
I don't want to water the gardens and there is a good chance of rain
but I do not want to lose flowers because the work seemed like too much
If I had gotten the well fixed last year this would be less of a pain
I miss the look of your smile the sound of your voice most of all your touch
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#2872
27JUN24
Hot days with rain coming let me relax and eat all alone
maybe I will turn on the spigot and water with your hose
While still stumbling blind in a kingdom where the Queen has flown
trying so hard to remember that each heart has its own throes
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#2873
27JUN24 #2
Another early day so I can go to bed before seven
not too much heat and it rained this morning so the gardens are good
Salad and skyr and sauerkraut in the echo of our heaven
just trying to do what I can so I can try to live like I should
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#2874
28JUN24
It seems I need a lot more repairs to the house than you did
is it just getting older without all of that love inside
Gonna hire a handyman cuz I am but that dumb kid
and I want to be ready to handle this long lonely ride
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#2875
28JUN24 #2
Not that I have COPD to the extent that it had you
but five release pushups with dumbbell pulls and squats can do me in
It could be the pause at the bottom of the squat that turns me blue
though just like any other terrible task the worst is begin
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#2876
28JUN24 #3
Thirteen minutes and one second for the workout to be done
I wonder why I am doing it and if it helps at all
Though I suppose on the best of days I consider it fun
and I do believe it lets my body forget the clock's call
Still I wonder what I should do having outlived "the one"
is there nothing I would achieve or am I but stuck in stall
With all the gardening and journals I guess I have begun
and a tome of love poems to you complete the cruise picture wall
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#2877
29JUN24
Trying not to burn the eggs on the stove as I keep it moving along
today I go shopping for an AC to replace the one that we owned
I survived the biggest loss a man could take what could possibly go wrong
and how can I ever pay back this time the universe has freely loaned
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#2878
30JUN24
It is now or never to finish planting your gardens in June
and the new metal ramps for moving that dirt are still in their box
I guess it is the accumulation of efforts that birth boon
now far past your no blossom daffodils and your dwindling Phlox
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